Dear God, They’re Here: The Obiter’s 5-Step Guide on Surviving High Schoolers in the Lawbry

An exploding faucet in the L2 bathroom. Exiting the automatic doors on a different calendar date than when you first walked in. The horror of encountering your opp on the stairs and pretending not to notice. It’s an understatement to say the Walter Harrison Law Library has seen its fair share of trials and tribulations, but strap yourselves in, folks— it’s about to face its greatest annual challenge yet.

Before they hit the sandy shores of Surfers Paradise, Queensland’s latest batch of jersey-wearing, ATAR-scaling seniors are set to descend upon the Lawbry in a matter of weeks. If you, too, are a) afraid, b) annoyed, or c) all of the above, never fear: the Obiter is here, and there is nothing we love more than dispensing unsolicited advice. 

In a vein similar to the incredibly effective 5-year plans of great Communist leaders, here is our 5-step guide on surviving the onslaught of high-schoolers in the Lawbry. 

1. Arrive at an ungodly hour

Have you seen the Lawbry at 7 in the morning? It’s practically a ghost town. Look to your left; an academic kicking aside a tumbleweed as they pull up to work. Look to your right; a singular, tryhard first-year grinding their 30-page Public Law readings. 

From 10 am onwards, finding a seat and staking claim to an entire table is like taking a sneaky pic of a Property Law PowerPoint in tutorials. Before that? Any of the big-money study spots near the Moot Court are still up for grabs. Don’t forget that the kids are on exam block. None of them will be awake before 9. 

2. Assert dominance

If the bus holds you up or the kids are just too eager, then you’ll need a plan to steal that study space. But given that the Obiter doesn’t condone physical violence, we’ve got some tricks for psychological warfare that’ll make them realise this school is not their friend.

Use your big legal brain to scare them into submission. So what if they’re grinding for a high ATAR? Well, guess who already needed one to get in (don’t ask about my adjustment points).

Tell them that if they haven’t done the Junior Moot yet, their legal career is over before it even started. (If it works on first-years, just imagine how impressionable the high-schoolers are.) Casually drop your largest textbook on the desk; watch them scurry away at the thud of a CLR meeting the table. These kids are more out of place than a snail in a bottle of ginger beer, and you must do whatever it takes to TC Burn the fear of God into them.

3. Get ready to do some shushing

If you don’t succeed in scaring them away, then at least try and make them play by the rules. Some say library etiquette is a dying art, but there’s no better time than externals season to bring it back in fashion.

No eating your smelly sauerkraut in the level four computer lab. If you dare take your shoes off, it’ll be more than just the Ba-Ha Men asking who let those dogs out. And for God’s sake, keep it down. 

Does it matter that no uni student follows such protocol, or that you, too, once made the fatal mistake of cracking open a can of John West during a negligence-induced menty B? Nope. As a resident victim of TC Beirne, we’d argue that it’s unconstitutional to deny you the chance to let loose now and then. These intruders, however, don’t carry the L-Card of lawbry liberty, so they can’t be given the same freedoms.

But when these rule-breaking kids don’t listen, you’ll have to progress to the next step.

4. Avoid avoid AVOID 

Avoid what, you may ask? Avoid eye contact, that awkward hello with the kid who used to be on your netball team, everything. Treat the next couple of weeks as if you’re living through A Quiet Place IRL, only that the triggers are “scaling” and whispered rumours of a vacant table on level 4. 

Our top tip is to try and find the places the high-schoolers don’t know. That weird row of desks behind the staircase on level 3. Steal a mooter’s ID card and break into the advocacy rooms. Hell, hack into the lift and go to the roof. There’s always somewhere more hidden and secret. Just don’t think about how they invariably trade seclusion for lack of comfort. And just remember: if you make yourself practically invisible, they won’t be able to find you. 

If you have tried all of the above and nothing seems to work… It’s time to activate the final protocol. 

5. Blend in

As the old saying goes, if you can’t beat them, join them. 

Dig out your crumbling senior jersey. Pull up with your emotional support water bottle, a copy of any Shakespearean play, and have the ATAR calculator locked and loaded on your laptop. 

Because maybe, just maybe, they’ll let you into the fray without overt hostility. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll get through a legal advice question despite the constant background chatter about Complex Unfamiliar questions from Methods Paper 1. 

Godspeed, fellow Lawbrians. May this externals season go easy on us all. 

Law Library Seats Found in Breach of Duty of Care, Students Allege

In a decision that has sent shockwaves through the reading room, students studying in the law library have alleged that the seating has fallen well below the standard of a reasonable chair, in flagrant breach of its basic duty of care.

"The foreseeability of harm was obvious," said second-year student and repeat sufferer Mia Backhurst, gesturing at a chair she described as "more of a torture apparatus than a place to sit." "I've basically run the Bolam test in my head. No reasonable seat manufacturer would do this to a person."

The alleged breach centres on a design so uncomfortable that several students report losing feeling in their lower body somewhere between the second and third hour of a single sitting, a phenomenon one student has taken to calling "constructive numbness."

"I was reading a case about causation and honestly I couldn't tell if the pain radiating down my leg was sciatica or just, like, vibes," said fourth-year student Tom Ashcroft. "Either way, I think I've suffered actionable damage."

Library staff have denied any wrongdoing, maintaining that the seats meet the relevant standard of care "for a chair, not a spa."

"We assessed the risk and considered it reasonable in the circumstances," said Head Librarian Deborah Finch, who was reportedly unable to make eye contact while standing near the offending furniture. "Also, have you seen our budget?"

Some students have gone further, arguing the library owed them a non-delegable duty given the "special relationship" created by mandatory attendance during exam period, and are said to be exploring remedies including specific performance, in the form of a cushion.

At time of publication, the library had not confirmed whether it intended to defend the claim, settle out of court, or simply replace the seats before Obiter finds out who upholstered them.

Judgment reserved.

You Won't Believe These 3 Events the UQ Law Revue Accurately Predicted

All aboard the Stupolar Express - it’s nearly time for the 2023 UQ Law Revue. 

If you needed more convincing to buy tickets to this year’s show (August 24th-26th, people!!), here is a list of three globally significant events that the Revue writers have accurately predicted. 

1. Three house cats would go on an 8 minute, sexually charged adventure into the outside world, ending in the untimely death of a baby koala. 

While this particular scene from the 2022 Revue was described by many as “unhinged” and “weirdly horny”, the Obiter can exclusively confirm that this happened in Taringa a few weeks ago. Spooky, huh? 

2. Izzie Horsley would go on a date with Oliver Twist at the Howard Smith Wharves. 

This one came to us from a source close to Mr Twist, who said the pair were seen last Thursday sinking Aperols and picking pockets at the famous venue. Izzie was unavailable for comment, except to say “buy tickets to the show, bitches”. 

3. Luke Allen would shit himself live on the Today Show. 

You may remember the Clem7 tunnel Revue sketch, where Luke Allen, the hapless radio operator, is struck by a case of the Bali Belly. This actually foreshadowed a real event, as during a ‘meet the intern’ segment at 9 News, Luke was interviewed by Karl Stefanovich himself. It must have been a nerve-wracking time, because it was difficult to miss the stain on the back of Luke’s chinos… 

So, if you want a peak at what the future has in store, buy tickets here for this year’s Revue: https://premier.ticketek.com.au/shows/show.aspx?sh=STUPOLAR23&fbclid=IwAR3Xb3gV6CqOcRHu9seTeb4pTdJMJkSQhtbDbknearN3My2ZIEei9XHFE-k. 

Disclaimer: The Obiter is a satirical news site. None of the above events actually occurred in real life. It would be really weird if they did.