Although her government narrowly survived a no-confidence motion today, British Prime Minister Theresa May faces no less treacherous a path towards Brexit.
However, under pressure from both sides of political aisle, Ms May has announced that she will return to Brussels to seek a bold new deal.
‘We did not want to resort to this, but as Prime Minister I have decided to seek a no givebacks deal with the EU,’ Ms May announced at Downing Street this morning.
‘That means no givebacks, no trades, no swapsies.’
The Prime Minister’s office issued a further statement that explained the existing law surrounding a no givebacks deal.
‘A no-givebacks deal involves an arrangement whereby, upon delivering the deal to the EU, Prime Minister May will loudly yell ‘no givebacks!’ At this time, the EU will be unable to reject or alter the deal in any way.’
No givebacks deals have a long history in international relations, having first been developed after WWI, in which The Treaty of Versailles became the first ever no givebacks deal, indirectly leading to WWII.
Soon after the Prime Minister’s statement, pro-Brexit demonstrators appeared outside Parliament brandishing admittedly timely banners reading NO GIVEBACKS. NO TRADES. NO SWAPSIES. The Obiter understands that each NO was in a red font.
Legal advice obtained by the European Council have found the only way to negate May’s tactic is for another head of state to declare ‘no givebacks!’ simultaneously, and then yelling ‘Jinx!’
Upon her arrival in Brussels, Ms May is also expected to declare ‘POISON’ as a precautionary measure in order to avoid another country stepping into her place and crafting a deal.
The Obiter understands that the deal will involve free movement of goods across the Irish border without EU regulation, the ability of the UK to determine its own trade laws, and that the country who brings the ball to lunch gets to start in ace.
At press time, Ms May was believed to have “lost the game.” Sidenote: we just lost the game.
Certainly some more to come.