The UN Human Rights Council has today announced they will conduct an investigation into reports that science student and self-described larrikin Henry Powell contravened the Geneva Conventions against torture.

The incident is alleged to have occurred at a Brisbane coffee shop this morning, where Powell purchased a Dirty Chai Latte on Almond Milk, an order that onlookers described as “gaudy”.

Eager to indulge, it is alleged the socially-minded student forgot he was wearing a mask, and proceeded to waterboard himself, flagrantly violating multiple international covenants. This reporter suggested the term “coffeeboarded”, but was shouted down at the press club.

Reached for comment, Mr Powell said he “just felt like a bit of an idiot I guess.”

An idiot indeed, and perhaps a war criminal to boot. UNHRC spokesperson Debora Sartre said the council is “gravely concerned” by the reports and will pursue the harshest possible remedies against Mr Powell if they are substantiated.

“If these reports are true, the UN will come down with its full might against Mr Powell” said Sartre at press time.

“He will never have seen such a strongly worded email.”

Some people still care.

No more to come.