Splendour In The Grass organisers have today announced that their ostensibly ‘much-anticipated mystery Australian band’ is mediocre Triple J rotation act Ocean Alley, surprising absolutely nobody, except for one man. The most easily shocked man in the country.

Fourth-year Arts/Commerce student, and local career idiot, Damien Bolton (21).

Sources say the Macklemore fan was ‘absolutely levelled’ by the revelation, and was said to be ‘keen to see the Ocean Alley boys rip it up! Yew!’ He also couldn’t wait to ‘chuck some shakas in the air’ during the set by American renaissance man, Childish Gambino.

The Ocean Alley surprise was a welcome one for Bolton, who was left absolutely gutted by the Federal election just a few days ago.

‘I just can’t believe rural Queenslanders would betray the nation like that,’ said a visibly shaken Bolton in an exclusive interview with The Obiter on Saturday night.

‘Why would a bunch of happy clappers in mining country vote for a conservative Christian who brought coal into parliament? Why are they like this?!’ he moaned, but not in a hot way.

While the Labor loss left Bolton devastated, the absolute shock of Ocean Alley’s Splendour appearance has him looking forward to the future.

‘I mean that’s life isn’t it? Just twists and turns all the way, hey? Haha. What’s next? David Bowie dying? Bill Cosby a rapist? Haha. Nah no way cobber, comedians can’t be rapists.’

Way more to come.