A bold-faced liar, a Judas in corporate casual, has today suggested he is ‘more than happy’ to simply eat the food he brought from home for lunch.

As if, tiger. Cold pasta with small flecks of pesto, and an optimistic, wilted piece of broccoli is no substitute for a juicy burger, a roast beef roll, or even a freshly tossed salad. The only tossed salad here is Brett Toohey (22), a paralegal at Robertson, Hewitt & Sons, & Their Sons’ Friends.

When Brett packed his lunch this morning, he did so with a smug grin, confident in the knowledge that he was saving a dollar or two, and keeping his figure slim and trim in the process. Deep down, he knew his lunch was an abject failure of culinary competence, but he elected to hide it from his friends.

‘You sure that’s all you’re going to eat today? There’s some cheap ramen at the Margaret Avenue Markets,’ said one of his buddies from the office, Karen Wells (24).

‘Nah, Karen. Whilst I do appreciate your concern, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that I am pretty stoked I’ve brought my own lunch today. Feel free to spend the money - I’d rather have the dough sitting in my bank account than in my stomach.’

Skipping away with his meal, with eight beautiful dollars saved, Brett found it within himself to afford a smile.

‘Yeet,’ he whispered to himself.

What a man.