Harrowing scenes are unfolding on the Great Court, with reports emerging indicating first-year Jacinda Watson (18) has been rendered unconscious after a rabid student politician has literally, brutally, violently forced a political flyer down her throat. Paramedics are on the scene, treating the tragic victim, while police are still combing the grounds for the man responsible.
According to onlookers, Jacinda was making her way from the law library to Pizza Caffe for a spot of lunch at approximately 12:30pm when she began passing the bright shirts. Three members from rival factions approached her from all sides with fliers outstretched, each chanting their own parties’ mantras. Ms Watson attempted to run but the men gave chase, like a pack of animals.
‘It was pretty cooked, they were all shouting like ‘Take a flier! Please! I beg of you!’’ said one eyewitness.
‘One of them was even crying, and another was muttering ‘What have I become?’ under his coffee breath as he was running.’
Police are desperate for more information about the suspect.
‘So far we we’re told that the perpetrator was an early 20’s male, of average height, with an average rig, wearing a bright shirt, boat shoes and club master sunglasses,’ said Detective Senior Constable Under-Sergeant Lieutenant Brigadier Watson (his rank is Detective Senior Constable Under-Sergeant, it’s just a happy accident that his full name is Lieutenant Brigadier Watson).
‘At this rate we’ll be arresting everyone. Good. They all deserve a taser in the gonads,’ suggested the disturbingly violent law enforcement officer.
A statement issued by University officials reads ‘We have been informed that Ms Watson was dressed as though she hadn’t already voted and remind all students to remain safe during these risky times.’
Just when you thought Peter Hoj twerking to ‘Gangnam Style’ at an alumni function was as out of touch as they could get!
Get well soon Jacinda!