The nation is reeling today after The Bachelor, and former Wallaby Nick Cummins, last night failed to choose either finalist as winner of Channel 10’s dating series.
While viewers were outraged, The Honey Badger revealed to The Obiter in an exclusive interview that the decision was premeditated as a means of showing Australia how much it sucks not to be picked for something you really want.
‘It was all part of a rinky dink plan to show this big brown land on the down south sitter of the globey globe what it’s like to be left alone like a hitchhiker with a prawn roll in the sun.’
Throughout his professional rugby career, Cummins was periodically dropped from the Wallabies side in favour of stronger players. The selection process had such profound psychological effects on the Badger that he developed a very long-term and arguably illogical solution to show Australia that it is truly tough to not be selected for something on national television.
Much like Cummins was often passed over for stronger, faster wingers who focused moreso on ball skills than coming up with hyper-Australian phrases to sell a personal brand, Brittany Hockley and Sophie Tieman were last night passed over in favour of… nothing? They simply acted as pawns in Cummins’ sort of weird, long revenge that wreaked havoc on twenty-six women who had nothing to do with his poor ball handling under pressure.
‘Sophie and Brit weren’t the real loose lipped losers last night,’ Cummins explained.
‘Michael Cheika was.’
More to come.