Mate in Edinburgh on six-month exchange marks themself as ‘safe’ from TC Alfred on FB

Posting between pints at the local pub, Jamie Jeans felt proud that she had the insight to let her community know she is, in fact, sheltered from the tragic effects of the tropical cyclone occurring in a completely different hemisphere. 

‘Some people might not be aware I’m overseas. This way, there’s absolutely no ambiguity’, she explained to her new friends from abroad. 

‘Give me a fucking break, it’s so insensitive’, a source close to the ex-pat told the Obiter. ‘I haven’t had phone battery for 48 hours. I finally open Facebook and it’s the first thing I see. Tone deaf bitch’. 

‘I actually haven’t spoken to her since she left, she’s not answering my calls’, remarked mother Jean Jeans. ‘In a way it’s been positive, at least we know she’s alive’.

In an exclusive interview with Ms Jeans, The Obiter asked her what message she had for her homeland of South East Queensland in these trying times. ‘I love a sunburnt country. A land of sweeping plains, Of ragged mountain ranges, Of droughts and flooding rains.’ 

The Obiter then asked Ms Jeans whether she had any of her own words she wished to share that weren’t those of the late Australian poet, Dorothea Mackellar. 

She said that ultimately, she had some pretty intense FOMO, but emphasised that ‘every dark cyclonic cloud has a silver lining’. ‘I mean, I’m here drinking Guinness, pashing hot Scotsman and living my best life. I have to, out of solidarity for my friends and family back home’. 

Give us a fucking break.

BREAKING UPDATE: Cyclone Alfred actually IS Local Woman's Ex

ALL BARK AND NO BITE: After an all too familiar weeklong episode of performance anxiety, Cyclone Alfred has up and ghosted us after getting us only ever so slightly wet.

***

 All of Brisbane has been left woefully unimpressed after Cyclone Alfred failed to climax last night, having now been demoted to a measly ‘tropical low’ by the bureau of Meteorology.

 Like many a Brisbane ex-situationship, Alfred has been spotted on the beach at the Sunshine Coast, ghosting all of us after last night’s poor performance.

CEO and Director of Meteorology Andrew Johnson has stated that after “edging us all week,” Alfred supposedly came overnight, and yet this morning is absent from Brisbane. Residents are reportedly frustrated by Mr Johnson, asking why he put us on with Alfred, when any other tropical storm would have likely had a better performance, and potentially even a second date. Skeptics have claimed that Mr Johnson was doing a favour for Alfred, who seemingly gets no play.

 To add to the frustration of many, Alfred has somehow not only managed to cancel International Womens Day for all of Brisbane, while still being notably absent on the day of the event.

 While still causing relatively severe damage to Queensland coast, it seems as though what we were promised in DMs was seemingly all talk.

What’s new?

Cyclone Alfred kinda reminds Local Woman of her Ex

But there’s one key difference: Cyclone Alfred will actually come. 

As South-East Queensland comes to terms with Cyclone Alfred being set to thundercunt Brisbane, Lily (22) has suffered her own additional damage from the cyclone; the reminder of her ex, Alfred (23). The bright and sunny start to the week referenced the initial hope and optimism from Lily that her new relationship with Alfred would be . The harsh reality of the relationship was just like how the weather in Brisbane would turn towards at the end of the week; dark, stormy, and moody.

“This cyclone won’t be the most destructive thing called Alfred” chuckled Lily as the cyclone drew nearer.  The gale-force winds and rainfall could not compare to the emotional damage she endured as she discovered her ex cheating on her with Samantha. The loud winds and rains echoed Alfred’s loud begging to Lily that this ‘wasn’t what it seemed,’ almost as if they were teasing her of that fateful day. And the darkened and colourless sky reflected the complete lack of flavour and charisma between Lily and Alfred. It reminded her that the relationship would have never worked out, and that it was time to move on. Cyclone Alfred would wreak havoc for many people, but for Lily, it finally provided closure.

The Obiter is hopeful that Cyclone Alfred won’t be anywhere near as horrific as Lily’s Alfred.

Stock Up on Diet Coke and Charge Your Vibrators! Gen Z Sharehouses Are Preparing for The Worst

With uni classes now cancelled for the week, 20-year-old share house dwellers are making use of their extra time to hunt and gather the absolute essentials in preparation for Cyclone Alfred.

 Emily [20] was spotted scaling the drinks aisle at Coles for the last remaining 4-pack of sugar-free Redbull, putting skills from her weekly rock-climbing classes to good use.

 Emily claimed she was “providing for her family” as her girlfriend has moved in with her for the week. Apparently, the thought of being trapped at home with her parents was “almost as unbearable as Adrien Brody’s Oscars speech”.

 Her girlfriend was reported close-by in the dairy section, ransacking the Meredith Dairy goat’s cheese, despite earning minimum wage.

 “If I’m going to fucking die in a cyclone I deserve to go out with the thing I love the most!” She was not referring to her girlfriend, Emily.

 Back at the Queenslander, Emily’s roommate, whose name is coincidentally also Emily, has begun to hoard the portable chargers, gearing up for a black out. “I need my phone charged for the new episode of ‘White Lotus’!” Emily is most worried that she’ll have to actually have to make conversation her roommate if they get flooded in.

 Her empty kitchen cupboards and lack of toilet paper also seem to be of no bother to her, compared to the stress that she’s running low on her Olaplex No. 4 shampoo. “Usually, a bottle would last me a month, but since moving in with Emily, they only last three weeks!” Emily suspects foul play. We suspect greasy hair.

 Tensions are mounting. Shelves are empty. Cyclones are brewing. Stay tuned for more!

‘Maybe Life is Worth Living Again!’, thinks Woman after First Sip of Iced Caramel Latte on Oat

“I probably don’t need to see my psychologist anymore.”

After paying $11.75 for a medium iced caramel latte on oat milk, Sue Flay (24), suddenly felt a new zest for life after consuming her “treat for the week.”

Overwhelmed with her demanding 9-5 job, meeting last week’s rent and the overall uncertainty of our global political climate, Flay’s worries have seemingly vanished after taking a single sip of her iced beverage.

This comes after a particularly hard week for Flay, whose Euro summer dreams were shattered after taking a peek at her HECS debt of $39,496. The drink, however, has somehow deluded her into thinking she can afford spending $6000 for a trip to Italy.

“This latte has really reignited something in me,” says Flay after tossing her (supposedly) biodegradable plastic cup in the recycling bin. “I actually think life is really beautiful!”

When asked about the exorbitant price of her latte, Flay simply brushed it off.

“You just have to look at it in a girl maths lens. It’s basically an investment in my productivity and happiness.”

This appears to contradict the scientific evidence which shows that caffeine – a stimulant like the drug methamphetamine – can lead to increased levels of anxiety, nervousness and sleeplessness.

For now, though, Flay seems to revel in her newfound optimism.

Hourlong Conversation with Trump and Vance has Zelensky Yearning for the Frontlines

‘Thank God Elon wasn’t there – there’s only so many dodgy billionaire ****heads I can deal with at once’, Zelensky allegedly muttered.

 You would think that dealing with an invasion by Vladimir Putin: a part-time defenestration enthusiast and full-time power-crazed despot would be the worst experience of Volodymyr Zelensky’s life. Since taking office in 2019, he has been dealing with Russia’s imperialist expansion, which came to a head during a full-scale invasion in 2021. As much as his people have suffered at the hands of the Russian army, Zelensky has hit a new low: spending time with Donald Trump and J.D. Vance. Together.

 The lead-up hasn’t been pleasant – Trump has spent the past 3 years telling everyone about how close he is with Putin (after all: it takes one to know one!). Since assuming office, Trump has told a blatant and repugnant lie about the start of the conflict (and doubled-down by voting against a resolution recognising Russia started the conflict) and has now been trying to steal Ukraine’s natural resources (imperialist habits die hard, don’t they) as part of a peace deal. Wouldn’t it be better to just be turned into the ‘Riviera of Eastern Europe’ or some other batshit crazy Trump idea?

 Against this backdrop, Zelensky had to endure the indignity of shaking hands with America’s favourite rapist, and his potbellied, weird beard sidekick (because, as Australians have seen with Dutton, the only thing worse than Trump is a loser who desperately wants to be like him). He was then subject to a barrage of verbal and personal attacks about such important matters as outfit choice and who ‘holds the cards’ from the most unlikeable double-team since Goebbels and Eichman.

 There was one silver lining: he didn’t have to speak to Elon. ‘he’d probably tell me I needed to fire all my soldiers or some shit’, said Zelensky. ‘I know I don’t have a lot to be thankful for right now, but I am so incredibly grateful that I only have to deal with Trump and Putin’ – anyone else would be way too much.

The Obiter hopes Zelensky is feeling alright. We can’t think of anything worse than being lectured about American imperialism by two glorified, big-toe-looking gruncles. Hopefully no more to come.

Hyrox: What to do when you are mediocre at a lot of different things

With the spelling almost as confusing as the exercises.

In what can only be described as Gen-Z’s answer to a Triathlon, Hyrox has now provided young people with more than three sports to be average at. 

Particularly being a sport not too dissimilar to a doom-scroll, there’s no surprise that doing multiple repetitive things, for multiple seconds, and until a point of existential pain, seems to be a popular idea with the kids!

 What is Hyrox? 

 The Obiter’s research team can confirm the origin of Hyrox is unknown, however last weekend was the first time everyone bloody heard about it. 

 We understand Hyrox is likely a by-product of a quarter-life-crisis, and possibly serves as another excuse beyond run-club for blokes to take off their shirts and meet like-minded corporate drones. 

 How can I compete? 

 The Obiter understands Hyrox to be some sort of cult. Therefore to compete in Hyrox requires the following: 

a.              an oath to isolate yourself from your family and friends; 

b.              a human sacrifice; and 

c.              your first born child. 

What do I do to complete a Hyrox competition ?

To complete a Hyrox competition, and subsequently receive eternally validation, you must undertake the following activities: 

a.              post a minimum of three instagram stories; 

b.              wear lululemon activewear; 

c.              post a mirror selfie with you in your lululemon activewear holding an iced matcha; and 

d.              live in West-end. 

What benefits do I get from doing Hyrox?

 After you have completed Hyrox, in addition to tricking your friends that you are athletic, you will get the following benefits: 

a.              the chance to jump in a hypothermic ice-bath simulating the Titanic waters for 10 minutes after you compete; 

b.              an urge to register for the ‘Bridge to Brisbane’; 

c.              a new personality; and

d.              other health benefits including being really good at jumping on a box and doing animal crawls. 

​​“I'll lock in this semester,” says student for 7th consecutive semester

Fourth year student, Elliott Trumpet is confident the all-time academic comeback is happening.

For as long as anyone can remember, Elliott’s uni marks have looked like the MCU post-Endgame: mediocre and dull. His sky-high top-of-the-class marks in primary school with his mastery of colouring-in skills, the alphabet and the 8 times table being all but a distant memory now. Only a husk of this academic potential remained. Until now.

“This is it!” Elliot triumphantly declared. “This is the semester the academic comeback is finally happening!” His consistent 4s and 5s, with the occasional 2s and 3s, will be transformed into 6s and 7s. His stunning transformation and change in attitude can already be seen by his attendance at the first lecture, when lectures (and often tutorials) were an event Elliot rarely attended (he hardly even watched them online online). If this didn’t confirm Elliot’s intention to ‘lock in’ this semester his participation in tutorial the next day certainly did. It was like Elliot was a whole different person.

When confronted by the fact he had declared he’ll ’lock in’ for 6 semesters previously, and had failed to lock in each time, Elliot simply stated that this time will be different. “I’m for real this time, I can feel it.” There would be no more missing lectures and tutorials, no more refusing to read the weekly readings, no more doing the assignment in one night, no more skimming through notes the day of the exam being the only revision he did the whole semester. This time, he was serious.

UPDATE: Three weeks in, Elliot has returned to his usual habits of not buying the textbook, dropping his fourth subject and deleting the Duo app.

Disgraced Prime-Time Radio Presenter Announces “I’m Starting a Podcast”

Days after his swift termination from REDACTED radio station, Farty Smearsilver announces a career shift into podcasting, in a move literally everyone saw coming.

Presenter Farty Smearsilver was axed from his prime-time radio slot on Wednesday, after a completely unprovoked misogynistic tirade aimed at Australia’s beloved women’s football team sparked nationwide outrage and demands for his immediate dismissal. 

After a brief stint in the hospital (believed to have been treating self-inflicted puncture wounds to his genitals), Smearsilver announced a career shift so unsurprising it might well be lifted directly from the ‘Disgraced Public Figure’s Guide to Clinging to an Ounce of Relevancy’: he’s starting his own podcast. 

Smearsilver announced his new podcast “The Farty Smearsilver Show: The Podcast”, a title cleverly aimed at the intelligence level of people who would voluntarily subject themselves to an hour of his stream-of-consciousness musings thrice weekly. As the newest addition to the ‘Shit Bloke Turned Man With A Podcast™ Club’, he joins the likes of Joe Rogan, the Paul brothers, and those indistinguishable moustached and mullet-ed Aussie podcasting duos; men who believe possession of an armchair and a free-standing mic entitles the world to their unsolicited opinions. 

“I think this new format will be perfect for me” remarked Farty. “It’s just like radio except I can say whatever I want with absolutely no repercussions. Plus, there’s no woke DEI intern getting on my case when I accidentally use the occasional swear word or racial slur. Genuinely I can say whatever I want now, look! ****! ******* ****! Mother****ing **** ****!” 

In an effort to drum up publicity for his new show, Smearsilver has teased the topic for his inaugural episode: “Why the exclusion of transgender women is essential to protect the integrity of women’s sport.”

Professor who managed a PhD in Legal Theory still confused by they/them pronouns

The Obiter has determined that the learning guide would be 100 pages shorter if only he realised he could just use ‘they’ instead of ‘he or she’.

Although they/them has been used as singular pronouns since before the letter J entered the English language, Prof. ustin ackson, whose urisprudence research focuses on analysing the udgments of High Court usitces, still doesn’t understand them.

The Oxford Dictionary first records the use of they/them pronouns as a grammatically correct gender-neutral single person pronoun in 1375. This predates the use of the letter J in the English alphabet, which only started being used in the 1500s. 

Despite this long history of they/them pronouns to refer to a single person, Prof. ustin ackson seems to have missed the memo and still thinks they can only refer to a group. Somehow Prof. ackson managed to get a PhD in urisprudence and legal theory despite not understanding the fundamentals of the English language. 

‘It doesn’t make sense,’ claims Prof. ackson. ‘I have this student in my seminar who insists on using they/them pronouns but it just sounds like everyone is talking about a group of people.’ 

‘Honestly, how can these TikTok generation students be expected to do well in an academically demanding discipline filled with complex ideas like urisprudence, ustice, urors, ury tampering, urisdiction, oint petitions and udicial reform, if they insist on focusing on silly made-up ideas like inclusivity, empathy and giving others the bare minimum respect’. 

This morning Prof. ackson was reportedly spotted at Merlo to get his daily caffeine fix. He was waiting with a colleague for the arrival of the colleague’s friend so the three of them could sit around discussing how annoying it is to keep up with fancy new trends and linguistic changes that only happened 650 years ago. 

Not knowing the gender of his colleague’s friend, Prof. ackson asked ‘when do you think they’ll get here?’ – referring, unbelievably, to a single person and not a group. Despite asking his students to draw connections between and synthesise information from across multiple sources to understand how the same theory can be applied in different contexts, Prof. ackson failed to do so himself. 

The Obiter hopes Prof. ackson will receive the tutoring he so clearly needs.