Kings’ College today announced a new chapter in their proud (yep) history. From 2020, the iconic UQ institution will be accepting female residents for the first time.
The announcement has been met with widespread praise from current Kings students.
‘Absolutely stoked,’ said second-year Trav McAllister when The Obiter asked how he felt about the news. ‘Now I won’t even have to leave Kings to drink exorbitant amounts of piss and force myself on girls. It’s like UberEats!’
The change will mean female students will finally be able to fulfil their childhood dreams of living in an environment that for years has been widely regarded as a breeding ground for misogynistic and entitled male behaviour.
You’re welcome, ladies!
Members of the Kings board have dismissed any concerns about the safety of female residents.
‘Harassment and mistreatment of women is a problem that solely exists in the realm of pub crawls and uni balls,’ said a board member who wished to remain anonymous because of all the reasons.
‘No woman has ever faced these issues in their place of residence. No dramas.’
The Royal Exchange Hotel have already started adjusting their revenue expectations for 2020 and beyond in anticipation of the inevitable dive in attendees. In a statement, the venue said, ‘I mean, why would you bother?’
The reactions of female-only colleges on campus have been described as that of a person watching a horror film where the protagonist is about to walk into a clearly dangerous situation – ‘Don’t go in there!?!?’
At press time, the college was considering rebranding as Kings of Queens College.