“College Culture Is Not A Problem,” Reports Dominic From King’s

In recent weeks, Australian universities have been rocked by a number of grave allegations, reporting widespread sexual assault and hazing taking place at residential colleges. However, in the wake of these alarming revelations, we have been assured that there is “nothing to worry about here!” by 19-year-old King’s College student, Dominic Dinglesmith-Murray.

The recently-released Red Zone Report has shocked the nation, detailing distressing incidences of abuse and harassment. But when The Obiter contacted King’s, a residential college at the University of Queensland, we were confidently assured by Mr. Dinglesmith-Murray that there is absolutely no need to investigate any possible wrongdoing, and anyone who recommends such investigation “…just doesn’t really get college.”

“This all comes from complete misunderstandings of college culture. Rituals are incredibly important to us, and bring us together. They forge a real sense of community. It’s hard not to become close with your college mates when you’ve drunk beer that was trickling down their genitals!”

The product of a comfortable upbringing in leafy Ascot, Dominic reportedly “adored” his first week at college, suggesting it was “just like rugby camp!” An Old Boy of Stonewood Goat Grammar School, and self-confessed John Howard “maniac,” Dominic quickly grew passionate about college, wearing his college cap around university, and loudly proclaiming in lectures “…had the most mental night at college last night!”

As we walked away from our interview with Dominic, he continued to assure us that there was absolutely “nothing to see here” at college. “Have you heard that new Paul Kelly album, Life is Fine? Yeah, it was actually written about the present situation at King’s,” reported Dominic, enthusiastically chuckling to himself.

Hopefully, no more to come.

Local Man Wastes Entire Day Trying To Figure Out Who Followed His Spotify Playlist

22-year-old university student, and self-confessed ‘music geek,’ Aaron Gibson (Spotify username: gibboplaysbangers) has just wasted an entire day trying to track down the person who followed his Spotify playlist.

On a typical morning, Aaron would wake up, guzzle a Red Bull, and put his playlist “tunedog” on shuffle, as he got ready for a busy day of procrastination and watching ‘Sick Rap Battle Compilations’ on YouTube. But on Wednesday morning, Aaron noticed that “tunedog”, a “blend of hectic bangers and chillest beats,” had gained a follower.

Unfortunately for Aaron, Spotify presently does not permit users to easily find out who has followed their playlists; intrigued users will typically scroll through their friends’ profiles, trying to determine who is the fateful follower. Reportedly, this was Aaron’s tactic.

Hours later, after looking at many of his friends’ profiles, Aaron could see people following such playlists as “All Time Favourites,” “Summertime Swagness,” and “arvo beers.” However, none of his friends were following “tunedog.” Our sources suggest Aaron grew increasingly desperate as the day slipped away, ultimately posting in a technology forum, offering a $50 reward for someone to “hack Spotify.”

The Obiter reached Spotify for comment, and were able to obtain a quote from their CEO, Greg Spot. According to Mr. Spot, “…the panic and frustration experienced by those who are unable to figure out who followed their playlist is the best part of my job.” Sickening.

Pious Student Who Was Planning To “Only Do Handwritten Notes” Sheepishly Sneaks MacBook Into Week 2 Lecture

The Obiter can confirm anonymous reports that third-year law student, Loretta Saunders, deceptively smuggled her MacBook into this week’s Trusts A lecture.

The revelation would be far from newsworthy, if not for the fact that Ms Saunders spent a significant portion of Week 1 casting her peers as worthless pieces of shit for adapting to modern educational methods.

“This semester I’m making a change,” Ms Saunders announced to an apathetic cluster of students outside the lecture hall. “Laptops distract you; one second you’re typing, the next you’re watching The Graham Norton Show on mute. Not me!”

The student, who seems genuinely convinced that her plummeting GPA can only be due to her method of notetaking, rather than her unearned enrolment in TCB by way of the OP system, took the time to urge others to take the leap into the notebook abyss.

“For too long, students have focused on their typing and screens rather than the knowledge itself,” Ms Saunders wrote in a Facebook status. “I am proud to be bringing the tradition of A4 notebooks back to the tertiary education system, and I hope you too can join my education revolution.” The status had received 4 likes, and a ‘wow’ react that our analysts believe to be “sarcastic.”

Loretta’s sabbatical came to an end this week when she slowly slipped her MacBook out of a TYPO laptop case with little zebras on it (or some shit).

“She literally called me the ghoulish ghost of Steve Jobs for looking at the PowerPoint last week,” third-year Sarah Jobs complained. “That doesn’t even make sense. Plus, Steve was my uncle so that hurt a lot.”

Malcolm Turnbull Tells Students To "Stop Studying Law, I Need This Clerkship"

Nervous fifth-year student and Prime Minister of the Commonwealth of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull, has sensationally claimed that ‘too many students are studying law,’ making it harder for him to secure a clerkship in a competitive field. In an exclusive interview with The Obiter, the PM revealed he actively discouraged students from choosing to study law at university, unless a legal career was their dream.

When asked why, Mr. Turnbull muttered ‘applications due in a month… too many bloody people going for it… it shouldn’t be this [expletive deleted] hard for the Prime Minister to get a gig with a Big Six…!” Further questioning revealed Malcolm had barely written a cover letter, and he had set six iPhone reminders in the last four days, instructing him to “get cracking!”

During our interview, Mr. Turnbull was kind enough to offer further advice, suggesting law students should only submit clerkship applications if they ‘really really really really want it,’ and that there are ‘heaps of really good avenues towards legal careers that don’t involve clerkships.’ When asked if students should consider careers in academia, Malcolm began to nod furiously, exclaiming “yes, yes, yes” as spit flew from his lips.

Tawny Frogmouth In Law Library Here To Deliver Howler, Says Minister of Magic

The Minister of Magic, Professor Fiona Rohde, has calmed law students’ fears, suggesting the tawny frogmouth spotted on Level 4 of the Walter Harrison Law Library is ‘simply here to deliver a howler.’

Law students entering the library on Tuesday morning were shocked to see a tawny frogmouth owl resting near study desks, looking anxiously around the room. Many students wondered whether the owl was lost, or whether RSPCA needed to be called. Thankfully, the owl was simply waiting to deliver a ‘howler’ to Ryan Catterwell, who has recently faced disciplinary proceedings (reason unknown). Whilst it has been years since exam results were delivered by owls, they are still regularly used to deliver more aggressive messages to students or staff, in the form of ‘howlers.’

The Centre for the Protection of Magical Creatures have issued a memo to law students across Australia, suggesting that it is best not to interrupt owls as they are working. “The ability of owls to perform their jobs is integral to the success of a law school,” says the memo.

Let’s hope that, in future, students will not become distracted by a humble bird simply trying to do its job.

Shania Twain Has Lunch With Nelson Mandela’s Ghost, Remains Unimpressed

Pop icon Shania Twain, has caused shockwaves by meeting with the ghost of Nelson Mandela for lunch – and remaining deeply unimpressed. In her 1997 hit single, ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much,’ Shania remained unimpressed by a string of boyfriends, who either owned cars, were rocket scientists, or were literally Brad Pitt. Clearly, she had extremely high standards, with one ex-boyfriend saying ‘…I am literally a rocket scientist responsible for sending men to the moon. And I wasn’t good enough!’ However, it was believed Shania simply had high standards, and required men to be truly exceptional to ‘impress’ her.

This week, she dined with the ghost of human rights icon, Nelson Mandela. They had met to discuss Shania’s claim that she was the ‘Nelson Mandela’ of country-influenced pop music, and many were shocked that Mandela had somehow risen from the dead. But when questioned after the lunch at Hog’s Breath Café, Shania simply shrugged and said the reanimated corpse of one of the most influential figures of modern mankind ‘…don’t impress me much.’

‘After all, he’s a corpse. He can’t keep me warm in the middle of the night.’

Difficult to argue with that logic.

Lame Virgin Malcolm Turnbull Bans Sex.

Prime Minister of Australia and absolute nerd, Malcolm Turnbull, has sent shockwaves through Australia with his 'sex ban.' Despite publicly claiming the 'sex ban' isn't actually a ban on sex for every Australian, it has been reported that Malcolm's hidden agenda is to ensure all sex is discontinued in Australia. Leaked cabinet files indicate Malcolm suggesting '...if I can't have it, no-one can have it!'

When The Obiter interviewed Malcolm, asking whether he knows just how cool sex is, he responded with the dubious claim 'I've had plenty of the sex. It's awesome. I just think it should be banned.' This is the sort of response only a lame, loser virgin would give.

Similarly, on Q&A this week, a brave audience member quietly asked '...lame loser virgin says what?' By responding with 'what,' Malcolm has confirmed to Australia that he is, in fact, a lame loser virgin. Of course he'd ban sex. By 11pm on that particular Monday evening, the Twitter hashtag "#MalcomIsABigOldNerd" was climbing to the top of the trending pages, indicating enormous public awareness.

An anonymous spokesperson from the ALP has suggested that, in order to strengthen electoral support, Bill Shorten will position himself as "Mr. Sex" in upcoming election campaigns, with potential slogans including "Shorten In Shorts - Sounds Sexy," and "Of Course He's A Ten, It's In His Last Name!"