'Jazz Is Dead,' Says Local Man Who Clearly Thinks It's Alive And Sexy

‘Jazz is dead.’

As soon as those asinine three words left the lips of local jazz-and-trilby enthusiast, Marcus DeRamsay (22), the circle of friends around him began a series of reactions that can only be described as a firm blend of disgust, pity, and frustration.

They hid their reactions well, however. But what wasn’t hidden well was Marcus’ clear belief that jazz was alive, sexy, erotic, and fun - despite the fact he claimed it was dead. After he uttered ‘...jazz is dead,’ he paused for effect, before suggesting ‘...but I want to get inside it. I want to know it. I want to be it.’

Marcus must be a genuine necrophiliac to claim something is dead and then proclaim to his twelve key brothers (the name he has for his friends) that he ‘wants to get inside it.’

Further undercutting Marcus’ claim was the fact he had a trumpet in his hands at that very moment, and his friends had begrudgingly gathered with him at a jazz bar, ‘Jazzity Jip Jop Jazz, Wickham Terrace,’ so he could perform at a jazz open mic.

Whilst his friends love supporting Marcus, and no-one can deny he is an eminently talented trumpet player, there is a certain desire amongst key stakeholders that Marcus would just let go of the incessant claim that ‘jazz is dead,’ when it seems he’s doing everything he can to keep it alive. And sexy.

Probably more to come, if The Obiter’s jazz editor has his way.

Chris Lilley Announces Misguided New Series ‘Jamal, Private School Girl’

Controversial Australian satirist, Chris Lilley, has made headlines today upon announcing his new comedy programme based on Jamal Khashoggi, ‘Jamal, Private School Girl.’

Whilst Lilley seems buoyant about the programme’s potential, many have pointed out that not only is the premise incredibly insensitive to Khashoggi and his family, it is also a little odd to be telling a cliched private-school story through the lens of a dissident Saudi journalist.

The show will be airing at 8.30pm, Wednesdays, on the ABC, and already the ABC Facebook page has been flooded with complaints. Having said that, many of those complaints to seem to have been by Saudi bots, with comments such as ‘jAmaL was a TRAI3TOR! How dare yo7, Australian Boardcasting Corporation!’ joining the ranks of boomer comments, such as ‘Sick! Waste of taxpayer money! That Lilley bloke is a flog!’

Further stoking the flames of controversy, Lilley has announced he will be playing Khashoggi in ‘racial makeup,’ and also cross-dressing as a woman to fulfil the ‘private school girl’ role.

At this point, it truly just seems like Lilley is trying to get himself in the most trouble he can.

In response to many of the criticisms levelled, Lilley suggested ‘...just let comedy be comedy and fun be fun, y’know? Why do we have to politicize everything, it’s a joke.’ This conveniently ignores the fact the very character he’s satirizing is inherently political, but hey, we didn’t write Summer Heights High (although that article we did about Matt Damon’s ‘A Star Is Bourne’ comes bloody close in the context of intellectual genius).

Regardless, we’ll probably be watching the show when it debuts. Good luck, Chris. We truly hope you aren’t assassinated.

Left-Handed Woman Informed That Friend Knows ‘Someone Else Who’s Left-Handed!’

Wow! In news sure to shock, amaze, and excite, a local student and left-hander extraordinaire, Bethany Johnson (19), has just been informed by her friend, Marcus Easterly (20), that he knows someone else who is left-handed.

Who would have believed it? Certainly not us here at The Obiter. What are the odds of two whole left-handed people being linked by a mutual friend? Our team of actuarial science students ran through the odds, and whilst we couldn’t be bothered to unpack their findings, the numbers are something like one in a bajillion.

Crazy!

But in super news, Marcus did more than merely inform Bethany he is aware of the existence of another left-hander. In act of sheer charity and goodwill, he even offered to introduce them to each other.

‘They would have so much to talk about,’ Marcus informed us. ‘Like using left-handed scissors, generally wishing to shake hands left-handed but being struck down by the traditional right-handed handshake system… and I think they both like Rick & Morty, so that could be good for a chat.’

‘The world’s their oyster! Their left-handed oyster!’ he screamed excitedly in the face of a new member of The Obiter subcommittee, who promptly quit in disgust. Thanks Marcus, it’s not like we weren’t super excited to have Kate Miller-Heidke working with us.

Little more to come.

Matt Damon Piggybacks Off Success Of Musical Blockbuster With ‘A Star Is Bourne’

Matt Damon has made a play for box office success by releasing another sequel to the Jason Bourne franchise. However, his attempt to modernise the spy saga has raised some eyebrows in Hollywood.

‘A Star Is Bourne’ tells the story of disgruntled agent Jason Bourne giving up his rogue exploits in favour of a music career.

Releasing hits such as ‘Bourne to be Bold’ and ‘I Love Cows’, the character becomes an instant country music sensation.

Critics have slammed the film, labelling it ‘a patently obvious attempt to steal attention away from Bradley Cooper’s directorial debut, ‘A Star Is Born.’’

‘The scene in which Bourne uses his gun to shoot a jukebox which then proceeds to play his hit single ‘Ain’t No Ultimatum For The Dirt’ is genuinely laughable,’ Empire wrote in their one-star review of the film.

The Guardian was even more scathing. ‘It’s hard to pick the worst moment of this trashy cash grab: is it when Bourne gets embroiled in a high-octane bull chase through the streets of Arizona that stretches 45 minutes or is it the major subplot wherein Bourne cannot decide what brand of spurs to purchase.

‘We are not exaggerating when we say that a good third of the film is dedicated to the spur shopping. It’s a disgrace.’

A Star Is Bourne is showing now in all good bookstores.

‘Aw Man, No Fair! You Get To Kill Journalists You Don’t Like?’ Says Trump To Mohammad Bin Salman

Poor Donald J. Trump. The President has had a tough few weeks, with controversy surrounding Kavanaugh’s nomination, and midterm election battles ensuring he hasn’t been able to sleep easy at night (although it may be the forty Diet Cokes coursing through his tired veins).

But things aren’t about to get any easier. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman has just informed Donald that he was partly responsible for the death of dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi. Far from harming relations between the two countries, it seems Trump’s biggest reaction to the news has been jealousy.

‘Aw man, no fair! I want to kill so many journalists. It’d be so fun. Just a bit of killing, bit of good times.’

‘Honestly, pretty fucked that you get to do it, and I don’t. Doesn’t seem very fair, Mr Salmon,’ said the 45th and current President of the free world.

Presumably Mr Trump is comparing the US and Saudi Arabia’s differing opinions on the freedom of journalists. At least in principle, the US believes journalists should be free to criticize public figures, with ruthless integrity central to their job. Saudi Arabia reportedly believes in the freedom of journalists to be murdered whenever it is so desired by criticized public figures. So in a sense, it’s a little more of a negative freedom/right, like the implied right to freedom of political communication.

Unfortunately, Trump is feeling like a real dingus that the Saudi leader gets all this cool shit, and he doesn’t. Apparently, Trump said to a key aide ‘...he even gets to wear that kick-ass tea towel on his head! Yeet!’

Truly, always a fascinating time to be part of The Obiter’s White House reporting team.

Online News Outlets To Begin Physically ‘Slamming’ People

At the 14th Annual Online News Association Conference, held in Hobart this week, the editors of Australia’s online news sites unanimously voted to begin physically slamming people they don’t agree with.

News websites regularly ‘slam’ people, organisations, or concepts that don’t align with polite society’s, or their organisation’s, point of view.  The most common targets of ‘slamming’ are US President Donald Trump, Karl Stefanovic, mid-level rugby league players, single mothers and schoolchildren.

Waleed Aly is widely regarded as the best at ‘slamming’ things which offend him.

In the struggle for ratings Australia’s news websites have decided to step this up again and physically slam detractors.

The body slam is a wrestling throw in which the opponent's body is lifted and brought down hard to the ground. The move has its origins in Taekwondo but was popularised by John Cena in the early 2000s.

The Obiter attended the conference and caught up with BuzzFeed Editor-In-Chief Paul Le Squire-Jones.

‘It’s a tough world out there mate,’ Mr Le Squire-Jones remarked as he rolled a perfect Champion Ruby.

‘I’ve got a newsroom full of idiots who really should have gone into commercial real estate and a readership coming down harder than Benny Cousins on a Monday. We slam people in print a fair bit in print and it always gets clicks, so this just seemed like a natural progression.’

‘With all this Opera House stuff we’re going to try and body slam Gladys Berejiklian when she gets out of the shower tomorrow. The pictures will be in the Friday paper.’

Bob Irwin Wonders What That Tongue Do, Girl

Bluetongue lizards are technically skinks. Bob Irwin has a kink for skink.

Did Kochie really die for this?

Pauline Hanson Proposes ‘R U OK To Be White?’ Day

Amateur politician and professional shit-stirrer, Senator Pauline Hanson, has today dipped her toes in the water of mental health, with a Senate proposal for the creation of an ‘R U OK To Be White?’ Day.

After her motion to denounce ‘anti-white racism,’ was defeated on the floor of the Senate, despite the best efforts of Matthias Corman’s genuine incompetence, Hanson has realised she perhaps need to be a little more subtle. Hence, ‘R U OK To Be White?’ Day.

The day will be held on the second Thursday of every November, and encourages Australians to turn to their fellow whites and ask if it is okay to be white. That should be a pretty easy task for The Obiter’s overwhelmingly vanilla editorial team, and if we’re being honest, most of Australia.

Hanson reportedly believes the new initiative will be a major step forward for mental health amongst young Australians. ‘Many are depressed because they don’t know it’s okay to be white,’ she stated.

‘The oppressiveness of greater career opportunities, avoiding regular discrimination, and living a pretty fortunate life hounds white people at every turn. As I always say, the pain of not having enough pain is still pain.’

When we asked if she truly ‘always’ says that, she seemed angry for a moment, and then calmed.

‘I can see you’re tense,’ she whispered to me. ‘I have but one question for you, Caucasian brother.’

‘R U OK To Be White?’

Yes, Pauline. Anti-white racism is about as realistic as Australia lasting 180 overs on a turning track in Abu Dhabi against a Pakistani attack that is as balanced as it is dangerous.

Scott Morrison Boldly Claims Catholic Primary Schools 'Actually Have The Power To Fire LGBT Prime Ministers'

In a somewhat surprising speech to the AAP this morning, Scott Morrison has suggested that religious schools, specifically Catholic primary schools, have powers greater than merely the ability to hire and fire teachers on the basis of sexual orientation.

‘Nah, the report says it’s legal. Under God’s law. The true law,’ said the Prime Minister, revealing his fundamental misunderstanding of the relationship between Commonwealth legislation and an omnipotent being of divinity.

Apparently, in the eyes of ScoMo, Catholic primary schools can fire anyone they choose if they dislike their sexual orientation - including the Prime Minister.

‘Yep, their powers are actually profoundly unrelated to the school itself. As a spiritual entity, religious schools have broad oversight over every single job in the land - including the most important one. Mine!’ said Morrison at the press conference.

‘Some might say it’s discriminatory to fire people on the basis of their sexual orientation. In response, I quote a Biblical passage: let he who is without sin fire the first Gay. A classic passage, everyone! Am I right?’

The slightly unhinged conference then took a turn for the truly bizarre, as Morrison continued to spew prejudicial vitriol whilst ‘I Don’t Know How To Love Him’ from Jesus Christ Superstar played over the loudspeakers, before John Farnham walked out to sing the song live.

We’re sure stranger things have happened recently. I watched Stranger Things Season 2 last night, and that was absolutely jam-packed with stranger things! But this one was pretty strange.

Probably more to come.

‘A Pocket Square Will Make Or Break My Night,’ Thinks Local Wanker

With the UQLS Law Dinner fast approaching, fifth-year student Marcus Johnson (22) is excited to enjoy a night of drinks, dancing, and taking advantage of a rare opportunity to wear black tie.

But for Marcus, the dress code is more than an opportunity for him to shine. It will lay the foundations for the element of his outfit that he is confident will knock people’s socks off (the socks, of course, being tastefully colorful). For Marcus has an ace up his sleeve.

Marcus has a pocket square. And by God, he is well and truly convinced a pocket square is the key line between looking his best, and being an ugly cretin.

‘GQ told me to do it,’ he said, when no-one asked.

‘I’m going to look so fucking dapper,’ he whispered to himself in the mirror when he thought no-one else was watching.

‘A black jacket without a pocket square? You’re fucking kidding yourself, you gutless coward,’ he muttered to a friend who unfortunately confessed he would simply be wearing a black tuxedo without a pocket square.

It doesn’t matter to Marcus that his suit is from Tarocash, hasn’t been dry-cleaned in two years, and has more beer stains than Brett Kavanaugh’s wank sock - if he wears a pocket square, he knows he will be the toast of the dinner.

Best of luck, Marcus. We have some doubts.