I Successfully Doubled My Net Worth By Voting In The UQU Elections & You Can Too!

Fuck the Barefoot Investor, I’ve just increased my wealth twofold after receiving the $5 voucher after donkey voting in the elections. Like many of you I woke up Sunday morning with a headache, a questionable bruise and $2.41 in my Youth Saver account. While some will see a problem, the successful will see an opportunity

Financial advisors aka ‘The Fun Police’ may describe my ‘habit’ of spending every last drop of my youth allowance on food and alcohol as reckless or irresponsible but I’m here to tell that they are plain wrong.

Let’s take a look.

Adjusted returns of funds indexed against the ASX over the past decade have given per annum returns of 5.7%. That’s great and all but I’m here to tell you how to generate a whopping 207% return in a day.

Simply purchase a 3-zone off peak student TransLink ticket for $2.41 and head to the UQ Lakes Bus Stop. From here make your way up past the Red Room to the Holt Room where you can vote (Authors Note: Some advisors advocate travelling to Chancellors Place however this increases the distance travelled through pesky student politicians).

If you are accosted about voting, simply smile and say ‘I’ve already voted’ (sneaky sneaky).

Wait for the sweet, sweet ‘Next please!’ from the voting clerk who looks very ready to end it all and there you have it, you’ve invested your pitiful $2.41 and generated a big strong fiver.*

Now, go forth into the world knowing that your financial future is on the up… As long as Mum is still good to pick you up.

*Not redeemable for cash and valid only at participating UQU outlets.

Student Politician Desperately Vying For Attention He Never Received As A Child

It’s that time of the year, the sun is shining, mid-semester exams are done, and hordes of prospective student politicians have descended on campus.

That’s right, if you want a burrito you’re going to have to fight your way past a gaggle of pasty virgins awkwardly trying to catch your attention like it’s the outdoor section of Ric’s Bar.

Our in-house demographers didn’t have a mid-semester break, they were hard at work determining answers to pressing issues. Such as: What deep-seated psychological trauma causes potentially likeable students into StuPol hacks?

Childhood neglect.

The research suggests that a lack of hugs and kisses as a child will causes entrenched insecurity in turn causing students to go to increasingly worrying lengths for validation. Even so far as to sell their souls and bodies to quasi political parties they hadn’t heard before this year. We caught up with Joseph Schneebly (27), a part time arts student, hoping to retain his position as Assistant Executive Vice President of Campus Culture, for his thoughts on the study.  

‘Vote 1 Schneebly,’ he bleated

‘It’s a good theory, except Dad FaceTimed at least once a week when I was little. I’m actually doing this to kickstart my political career, I want preselection in my home seat of Cooper before I’m 30.’

And if that doesn’t work out?

‘I’ll probably work for Dad’s vague import/export company… if her ever responds to my texts.’

Good luck Joseph, get a Hanaichi on campus and you’ve got my vote.

NSW Parliament Compromises On Opera House Advertising With Legislation To Put Opera Singers In Every Pokies Room

In response to community uproar over its decision to allow the advertisement of gambling products on the side of the Sydney Opera House, the NSW Parliament has announced it will also introduce a bill to put an opera singer into every pokies room in the state.

Spokesperson Andrew Shill noted the new policy came after someone in the government finally got around to reading last years Australian Gambling Statistics Report.

“In light of some fairly compelling numbers which show Australians actually have a hell of a gambling problem, we’ve decided that instead of saying ‘no’ to Alan Jones, we’ll just try to offset the effects of a massive marketing boost for a life-destroying habit by making the most popular gambling venues damn near unbearable to be in.”

If passed, the legislation would require an opera singer to be performing at any venue containing pokies machines for as long as a gambling commercial plays out on the side of Australia's most iconic architectural landmark.

The policy has received a mixed reception from the community.

“If the NSW arts community has to put up with Alan’s crap in our favourite venues it’s only fair that we get to annoy the shit out of his listeners in theirs," said participating opera singer Valentia Falstretto.

"It's also the most work I've ever had in my entire career.”

Others were not as pleased, with one avid pokies player calling the proposed scheme, “farkin’ bullshit, aye.”

At the time of writing, it appears the legislation will apply to every venue in the state not in the registered exclusion zone, which for totally innocent reasons just happens to include the exact lot boundaries of the Star Casino.

Vengeful Nick Cummins Glad Australia Now Knows How Shit It Is Not To Be Picked

The nation is reeling today after The Bachelor, and former Wallaby Nick Cummins, last night failed to choose either finalist as winner of Channel 10’s dating series.

While viewers were outraged, The Honey Badger revealed to The Obiter in an exclusive interview that the decision was premeditated as a means of showing Australia how much it sucks not to be picked for something you really want.

‘It was all part of a rinky dink plan to show this big brown land on the down south sitter of the globey globe what it’s like to be left alone like a hitchhiker with a prawn roll in the sun.’

Throughout his professional rugby career, Cummins was periodically dropped from the Wallabies side in favour of stronger players. The selection process had such profound psychological effects on the Badger that he developed a very long-term and arguably illogical solution to show Australia that it is truly tough to not be selected for something on national television.

Much like Cummins was often passed over for stronger, faster wingers who focused moreso on ball skills than coming up with hyper-Australian phrases to sell a personal brand, Brittany Hockley and Sophie Tieman were last night passed over in favour of… nothing? They simply acted as pawns in Cummins’ sort of weird, long revenge that wreaked havoc on twenty-six women who had nothing to do with his poor ball handling under pressure.

‘Sophie and Brit weren’t the real loose lipped losers last night,’ Cummins explained.

‘Michael Cheika was.’

More to come.

‘Nah, Happy Just To Eat The Food I Brought From Home,’ Says Liar

A bold-faced liar, a Judas in corporate casual, has today suggested he is ‘more than happy’ to simply eat the food he brought from home for lunch.

As if, tiger. Cold pasta with small flecks of pesto, and an optimistic, wilted piece of broccoli is no substitute for a juicy burger, a roast beef roll, or even a freshly tossed salad. The only tossed salad here is Brett Toohey (22), a paralegal at Robertson, Hewitt & Sons, & Their Sons’ Friends.

When Brett packed his lunch this morning, he did so with a smug grin, confident in the knowledge that he was saving a dollar or two, and keeping his figure slim and trim in the process. Deep down, he knew his lunch was an abject failure of culinary competence, but he elected to hide it from his friends.

‘You sure that’s all you’re going to eat today? There’s some cheap ramen at the Margaret Avenue Markets,’ said one of his buddies from the office, Karen Wells (24).

‘Nah, Karen. Whilst I do appreciate your concern, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that I am pretty stoked I’ve brought my own lunch today. Feel free to spend the money - I’d rather have the dough sitting in my bank account than in my stomach.’

Skipping away with his meal, with eight beautiful dollars saved, Brett found it within himself to afford a smile.

‘Yeet,’ he whispered to himself.

What a man.

Ambulance Called To The Great Court After Flyer Literally Shoved Down Student’s Throat

Harrowing scenes are unfolding on the Great Court, with reports emerging indicating first-year Jacinda Watson (18) has been rendered unconscious after a rabid student politician has literally, brutally, violently forced a political flyer down her throat. Paramedics are on the scene, treating the tragic victim, while police are still combing the grounds for the man responsible.

According to onlookers, Jacinda was making her way from the law library to Pizza Caffe for a spot of lunch at approximately 12:30pm when she began passing the bright shirts. Three members from rival factions approached her from all sides with fliers outstretched, each chanting their own parties’ mantras. Ms Watson attempted to run but the men gave chase, like a pack of animals.

‘It was pretty cooked, they were all shouting like ‘Take a flier! Please! I beg of you!’’ said one eyewitness.

‘One of them was even crying, and another was muttering ‘What have I become?’ under his coffee breath as he was running.’

Police are desperate for more information about the suspect.

‘So far we we’re told that the perpetrator was an early 20’s male, of average height, with an average rig, wearing a bright shirt, boat shoes and club master sunglasses,’ said Detective Senior Constable Under-Sergeant Lieutenant Brigadier Watson (his rank is Detective Senior Constable Under-Sergeant, it’s just a happy accident that his full name is Lieutenant Brigadier Watson).

‘At this rate we’ll be arresting everyone. Good. They all deserve a taser in the gonads,’ suggested the disturbingly violent law enforcement officer.

A statement issued by University officials reads ‘We have been informed that Ms Watson was dressed as though she hadn’t already voted and remind all students to remain safe during these risky times.’

Just when you thought Peter Hoj twerking to ‘Gangnam Style’ at an alumni function was as out of touch as they could get!

Get well soon Jacinda!

‘What Drought?’ Says Local Fish

Australian farmers have been ravaged by drought throughout 2018. The devastating refusal of the sky to piss has led to unimaginable hardship for the agricultural sector.

One demographic of the Australian populace, however, has not been feeling the effects of the drought: fish.

‘Mate I fucking swear to God if I hear one more coward bitching about the drought I’m going to lose my shit,’ a fish told The Obiter in an exclusive swim-down interview.

‘All these people on Facebook and ABC’s The Drum being all like “there’s no water, there’s no water!” I’m like, mate don’t know about you, but I’m surrounded by the shit.’

The fish we spoke to was adamant that the drought is left-wing conspiracy developed to advance the Safe Schools agenda. When pressed on this, the fish was genuinely unable to offer any evidence to back up this pretty massive claim. ‘Open your fucking eyes,’ the fish spat as he meekly slapped his wet little tail against our arm. ‘The left, mate, they just go on about droughts and water to distract you from all the abortion.’

As the interview went on, it became alarmingly clear to The Obiter that we had somehow managed to track down the ocean’s most alt-right fish. If anything, this was a testament to the importance of careful background checks of your sources in journalism.

All it would have taken was one Google search to reveal that this particular fish was the admin of a Nazi-fish sympathising Facebook page called ‘Adolf Fin: Our Revolution!’

The fish is a shit bloke. There’s still a drought. The fish just lives in a bubble where the harms of the drought don’t affect him. His water tanks are full but those of the farmers are not. Please donate.

Do not give in to the fascist urgings of this mean, mean fish. He’s a shit fish. He’s a bad fish.

Yeah alright think we’re done on this one. Have a great Thursday.

‘God, Hate Being Approached By StuPol Gimps!’ Says Acquaintance As He Approaches You In A Gimpish Way

‘I don’t want to talk to you, mate.’ The thought ran through the head of Bartholomew O’Leary (20), a Commerce/Law student, as a really gooby acquaintance, Mark Steffervescence (19), approached him with a massive dorky grin spread across his face.

As Mark opened his mouth, Bart’s skin bristled with rage, as he knew something weird would come out. Mark’s incessant attempts to begin conversations with Bart often fell painfully flat, as his atrocious conversational skills and bizarre body odour continue to count against him.

But today, Mark felt he was onto a winner with a conversation topic which has dominated the campus for a grand total of two days. Student politics. Student activism. Call it what you will, it has gripped headlines, StalkerSpace, and casual conversation with acquaintances for at least 48 hours. As Facebook feeds become engorged with the efforts of Focus, Momentum, and Revive (not a real party, but God, it sounds like it could be one), so too does casual conversation become engorged with references to how annoying StuPol is.

However, what is often forgotten in these zany days, is that conversation about how annoying StuPol is is often as annoying as StuPol itself.

Still with us after that abject fucking trainwreck of a sentence? Good. Let’s return to Mark’s dorky little opening attempt to chat with loose acquaintance, Bartholomew.

‘God, I just hate being approached by those StuPol gimps! Am I right?’ said Mark. A flash of genuine anger went across Bart’s face, as he wondered whether to tell Mark that he was just as gimpy as the gimps he accused of being gimpy.

But he let it slide. He suffered three more minutes of conversation with Mark, before moving on. Because at the end of the day, in this election called life, it’s not the popular vote people remember. It’s the electoral college.

Tell that to Peter Hoj.

UQ Replaces Schonell With Sick Fucking Waterslide, Awesome Call Legends

Whilst UQ may have thought they could simply knock down the iconic Schonell Theatre and replace it with whatever they wanted, the power and passion of activism over the recent weeks has seriously highlighted the error of their ways.

An outpouring of responses from students and public figures has highlighted a major flaw in UQ’s redevelopment: people care about the Schonell, and you can’t strip it from the student body without a serious plan for a genuine replacement.

But as Vice-Chancellor Peter Hoj announced today (we couldn’t find a way to do the fucked-up ‘O’ in the middle of his name, apologies), they’ve done better than a mere replacement. They’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty here. They’re going to replace the Schonell Theatre with a sick fucking waterslide. We can’t say it enough: seriously awesome call here, legends. We can’t wait to slip and slide our way down it.

The proposed waterslide will be approximately eleven stories tall, and involve at least twelve twists and turns on its way down. With the appointment of five lifeguards to monitor this dope slide, UQ again plays a wonderfully central role in creating jobs for its students.

We can’t way to see BlackBoard replaced with boardshorts, and tutes replaced with water-slide-tutes. As much as student theater is important, the most crucial thing for a sandstone university is to have a cool, cool waterslide at its heart.

Nice job, Hoj. Did you know your last name spelt backwards is Joh?

Just kidding, legend. Slide away.

Calendar Sales Skyrocket Amongst Opportunistic Rapists

Finally, the calendar industry has conquered the most competitive market of all. In a field dominated by Ralph Lauren and expensive criminal lawyers, the humble calendar has finally found its niche among an extremely desirable group (from a marketing perspective): opportunistic, privileged young rapists.

These young men have spent many years searching for surefire ways to plead their innocence if ever forced to confront their crimes (which, let’s face it, they’re unlikely to ever have to). And now, with the Brett Kavanaugh method, also known as the Kavanaugh Gambit, the Bretty Scheme, or the ‘Beach Week’ defence, young criminals know exactly how they can cover up their crimes.

It’s foolproof! All it takes is not writing ‘commit horrific, misogynistic acts of sexual violence’ in their calendar, and they’ll be able to get off scot-free.

We hit the streets to have the finger on the pulse of perpetrators of sexual assault. As easy as this calendar system is, however, some of them have raised concerns.

‘I really do like to schedule whenever I take advantage of intoxicated women,’ stated Robert Huntington-Smythe (22), a Law student and opportunistic sexual predator.

‘Whilst I see the benefits of lying in a calendar, you also risk losing the organisational prowess that is so widely-respected in the sexual predator community.’

There you have it! The calendar system has been thrown into some doubt, much like Kavanaugh’s confirmation itself.

Who would have thought?