Queensland Police To Investigate Whether Pol Pot Was Just A ‘Good Man Driven Too Far’

In a highly unusual move, Queensland Police have today opened a retroactive investigation into the notorious leader of the Khmer Rouge Pol Pot, to determine whether he was the murderous psychopath historians paint him as, or if he was just an honest battler who was driven too far.

‘I just think it’s incredibly important we keep an open mind,’ said Detective James Bryant at press time, ‘because we don’t want to be too quick to condemn mass executions.’

‘There’s a significant chance he was a good bloke who had too much asked of him by his citizens – it’s a hell of a lot of pressure on a man to constantly be asked for basic freedoms – it bloody makes me grumpy mate I’ll tell you that much for free!’ said the detective as he gave a protester a noogie.

‘Let he who hasn’t slaughtered countless innocents because he was upset cast the first stone.’

While many commentators condemned the detective’s remarks, Andrew Bolt quickly moved to back up the police investigation.

Licking his lips with his lizard tongue, the controversial personality implored viewers not to forget who Pol Pot was before he was driven mad by incessant nagging.

‘Reports have emerged that Mr Pot was actually in the Central Queensland Capras Squad for a few seasons back in the 1960s, so he was obviously a good, god-fearing  pedophile apologist like you or me,’ said the genuinely weird cunt.

No more to come.

Jessup Mooter Drafts Eighty-Page Submissions Detailing Plan To ‘Get A Handjob At Some Point’

Applying his keen analytical mind, sharp critical instincts, and irrepressible virgin energy, local Jessup mooter, Thomas McWilliamstone (22) has drafted a comprehensive series of submissions to, bizarrely, the International Criminal Court, outlining his detailed argument in favour of ‘me receiving a handjob at some point, thanks.’

Thomas, whilst a well-meaning fellow, has a view of sexual politics about as out-of-touch as his view of actual politics. 

Viewing ‘a handjob’ as his Medicare-For-All, he is currently feverishly drafting the sixth limb of his central argument: that there is a precedent established by the fact he’s ‘definitely kissed a girl,’ and as a consequence of that precedent, he is of the understanding that ‘a nice handjob should be right around the corner.’

Whilst Jessup coach Henry Rushdie (25) has been known to speak highly of Thomas’ various idiosyncrasies, this latest effort may be the last straw.

‘I mean, we’ve all done it,’ said Henry in a shocking revelation that we honestly weren’t really expecting. ‘We’ve all made formal submissions in favour of having sex, but the way he’s drafted it is actually pretty shaky.’

Wow. This story has grown bigger than we ever could have imagined. And after closer analysis of Thomas’ submissions, it appears his coach is correct. Whilst human rights leaders Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi probably said at a certain point in their lives that ‘physical enjoyment of life is important,’ it’s fairly irresponsible to quote them as a central piece of one’s argument in favour of receiving sexual favours.

Strange man. We’ll continue to explore this story as it rapidly develops, although we hope it really, really doesn’t. 

Plenty more to chum.

Man With No Discernible Musical Talent Optimistically Has GarageBand Installed On His Mac

‘I might need it one day, when I remix Tame’s latest single,’ said the man who earnestly struggled with ‘Ode to Joy’ on the recorder in Year 3.

Chip McCoy (19), a local Commerce/Science student whose real name is actually David Westfield, is a man completely and utterly devoid of any musical talent that could possibly be discerned, to the naked eye or otherwise. 

A childhood fan of Eminem and an adult fan of Sticky Fingers, the tides of popularity drive his musical taste, although his conviction that Dua Lipa is ‘still underrated, I reckon, lads’ is vaguely of note, if only for the fact that close analysis of his musical library means he doesn’t listen to Dua Lipa, but equally careful analysis of his saved Instagram videos indicates he stares at pictures of her far more than can be considered healthy, let alone legal.

Nevertheless, Chip, or ‘David’ to everyone who has some self-respect and doesn’t want to call a grown man Chip, is utterly, unshakably convinced that one day, he will need the popular beginner music production app, GarageBand.

‘Yeah, I don’t know, it’s like, what if one day some chords just come to me. Like I came up with my own chords, and then some lyrics happened. It would be like I’m Freddie Mercury, asking myself ‘what’s the lyric, Fred?’ Imagine that. It could happen,’ said David in a spittle-flecked rant reminiscent of the fiery tirades delivered by Rhodesian leaders of old.

In spite of the serious amount of storage space GarageBand takes up on his 2011 MacBook Air, he is immovable in this opinion, believing that his ticket out of a dull consultancy gig at KPMG, and his ticket into the cocaine-fuelled, sexually-harassing life of a rockstar, is the fated application made by Apple which he is finding so difficult to delete.

Funnily enough, if all he wanted was cocaine-fuelled sexual harassment, he could do a heck of a lot worse than a consultancy gig at KMPG.

The Obiter will keep an eye on this young man and the rapidly developing story around him, but for now, for all of those who harbour musical aspirations, remember this: if a bunch of dudes from Sydney who dress like shit and steal musical influences can headline Splendour, so can you.

And the fact that in the above sentence we could be talking about any one of Sticky Fingers, DMA’s, Hockey Dad, Ocean Alley, or any one of the other Triple J darlings who will be forgotten in four years, and you would have no idea which specific one we meant, is profoundly entertaining.

Je suis GarageBand. No more to slum.

The Case for Eugenics: This Man Just Tagged His Mate in a Domino’s Meme

The human capacity for depravity was once again on full display this morning after Business student and Sticky Fingers fan Alex Powell tagged unsuspecting friends in a shit pandering corporate meme. In what has become a national crisis, the comment has spurred efforts to prevent mouthbreathers such as Powell from procreating.

The incident is said to have occurred in the comments section of a Domino’s Australia post captioned “@J is the CEO of garlic bread”, to which Powell responded “@Jamie Wong haha you love your garlic bread mate haha”. Ugh.

Sources close to the Dylan Frost apologist say that unfortunately, tags like this have become par for the course. Ryan Purtill (22) says he had to completely cut Powell out of his life after being tagged in a Baskin-Robbins post captioned “like if you stan cookie dough”.

“Yeah that guy shouldn’t be allowed to breed” said Purtill, who has joined a chorus of powerful voices calling for drastic government interference.

Eugenics has generally found little favour in the past, perhaps due to its inherent inhumanity or something. However, public opinion has swayed dramatically in recent years in response to the significant increase in success of woke and/or savage corporate  marketing.

Surfing this wave of public support, the Federal Government today proposed a bill mandating the sterilisation of any person who likes, shares, or otherwise interacts with any attempt at viral marketing. The ‘Dumb Cunt Corporate Shills Gotta Go Bill’ received bipartisan support in the House of Representatives this morning, as Labor and the LNP issued a joint statement condemning the “unquestionable gimpitude” of people who engage in such practices. The Bill received only a single ‘Nay’ vote, from newly minted Greens leader Adam Bandt, who argued the proposed legislation “didn’t go far enough.”

The bill is expected to pass swiftly in the Senate tomorrow.

Let us pray it does.

No more to come.

‘Great Soccer Score!’ Comments Overweight Former 11E’s Rugby Player Watching AFLW

Meet Will Browner (20), current third-year student retaking first-year courses, future advocate of a pyramid marketing scheme, and one of those guys who reckons it’s an act of powerful resistance to PC culture to call his younger sister ‘retarded.’

The other day Will, or Willy, as his actually surprisingly lovely mother calls him, a former prop for the 11E Green’s, and sports analyst that would put Ricky Pointing to shame, left a witty, original comment on a Facebook post about the AFLW, describing one of the affairs as having a ‘great soccer score.’ 

Without doubt, Will, as one of those tall, lazy behemoths, whose greatest talent is sinking a beer at The Vic in under 12 seconds, has the credentials to make said comment. 

After all, he even once played a trial game in Year 8 for the C’s after Papa W put in a good word over the Gmail.

Will’s comment, which since yesterday has collected a hearty thumbs up from ‘Barry Cahill’ and ‘Steve Wellman,’ was also whole-heartedly endorsed by his mate Ben, who’s been working full-time at Maccas after deciding POLS1201 wasn’t for him. Ben followed suit by describing the landmark competition in women’s sport as ‘embarrassing.’ 

Speaking of embarrassment, Ben frequents Birdees.

Although brilliantly worded by Will, his reference to ‘soccer’ is somewhat surprising given that he decided that this was a ‘pussies’ game at the tender age of eight. Perhaps we underestimated Will. Perhaps he’s grown up even quicker than we think.

No more to come on this tragic chap.

Local Man Watches In Disbelief As Chips Are Devoured By Girlfriend Who Was ‘Not That Hungry’ 5 Minutes Ago

After spending a record-breaking forty-five minutes perusing the menu, one local Newmarket woman decides that the most delicious meal will be the one for which she does not have to pay a cent.

Bizarrely, the above record she broke was set by Cathy Freeman, which we have no further information about, but is definitely interesting. 

Despite devouring an entire pork belly banh mi after work from Banh Mi Now on Adelaide Street (ask for Lynette), Kayla Martin (25) has found herself hungry for the chips she ‘didn’t want at all,’ after witnessing a sweaty, spotty, criminally-underpaid Grill’d employee tenderly place them in front of her completely oblivious boyfriend.

Thankfully, due to the ancient legal doctrine of ‘Mi Casa, Su Casa’, and ‘Come On, Sweetheart,’ Kayla’s starvation will not endure as she claims her genuine human right to any and all forms of tuberous vegetables that her boyfriend may purchase, whether using the app, or in-person.

It’s not long until Josh Hartley (24) is watching on in frustration and disbelief as the last minuscule pieces of battered potato are hoovered up by Kayla, with the aggression and focus she normally reserves for criticising the production design of Harry Potter And The Cursed Child: Part Two.

‘It was two for one, for fuck’s sake. If only she said something,’ laments Josh, to no-one in particular, given Kayla is the only one who talks to him these days after he went way too hard on promoting cryptocurrency among his mates.

Unfortunately for Josh, this is not the first, nor will it be the last, time he is stupid enough to think that he can get away with eating all the fries by himself.

All is fair in love and war. No more to Krum.

Drew Pavlou Discovers UQ Senate Actually Just Really Dry And Boring Corporate Board

As he pored over the hundreds of pages of densely-typed notes all UQ Senators are expected to read in preparation for doing their actual job, UQ Senator Drew Pavlou came to the surprising realization that the Senate is actually not a platform for fun, attention-seeking, Animal House style antics but instead just a really dry and boring corporate board devoted to the discussion of financial minutiae, dominated by boring old people uncomfortably reminiscent of his stern, distant and disapproving father. 

Quickly coming to an awareness of just how much incredibly tiresome, anonymous, time consuming and soul-crushing work he had just voluntarily signed up for, Drew was quoted at press time expressing regret that his irrational quest to spite Peter Høj had got to the point where he now had to assume significant legally sensitive responsibilities as is expected of virtually all corporate board work. 

Prompted by these newfound revelations to engage in self-reflection for seemingly the first time in his entire life, Drew noted that he now recognized that it had possibly been a mistake to have inadvertently set off an international diplomatic incident based on strongly held feelings about StalkerSpace memes about Tiananmen Square denialism, and to consequently have allowed the aftermath of this one protest to spiral so far out of control due to his literally non-existent impulse control that he was now partly responsible for administering a two-billion dollar budget at a Top 50 global university.

As Chancellor Peter Varghese sent him yet another strongly worded email explaining why he could not use the word ‘cunt’ at meetings, Drew noted that being a UQ Senator was not at all like Schoolies - it featured no beer, drugs, chaotic loose fun, or hot unprotected (though consensual) sex with sexy girls. 

In fact, it was really the absolute opposite of any of this. 

At press time, Drew also noted that the UQ Senate election win, while fun, had not filled the gaping hole he felt inside, nor fixed his gnawing insecurity and lack of self worth.

More to come.

Eighteen-Year-Old Second-Year Now Convinced He’s A Fully Mature Adult

For many students, the second year of university can come with its unique set of challenges and opportunities, except for college kids who just do the exact same thing as last year except they’re now permitted to brutally haze the first-years, instead of being the victims of such hazing.

But for some students, second-year is an indicator of something far more than the fact they managed to get through two semesters. It means ‘you’ve made it, bud. You’re a superstar now.’

And for local BAFE student Robbie Spurmann (19), it’s an opportunity to rediscover the brief taste of power most Churchie students experience as some sort of vague House/Spirit/’I Love The First XV’/Straddie Pre-Schoolies Captain in Year 12.

‘Yeah, I’m two semesters deep, and at this point I pretty much run the place,’ said the young man, his words spoken almost entirely out of the side of his mouth.

‘Once you’ve sunk enough jugs at the Reddo, and given enough chicks a tongue-lashing at the RE, you’re pretty much an expert,’ he muttered, conveniently ignoring the fact he’d been using his older brother’s fake ID to get into Ivory Tusk (why the fuck is it called that now, by the way). That was at least until two months ago, wherein his ‘Lad’s 18th’ was marked by nineteen separate incidents of vomiting after two ‘double rumbos, haha’ and nineteen separate incidents of blokes being absolutely tragic, which coincidentally, were the same incidents.

Whilst Robbie’s peers raise their eyebrows at his bizarrely unearned confidence, it has earned the ire of an even more strange set of students: third-years. The odd seniority felt by those who are objectively twenty is a social phenomena few study, but as phrases like ‘Look, it’s my third year, I know what I’m doing’ begin to be thrown around campus, it is worth taking a long, hard, sweaty look at these key issues.

Good luck to the boys in the Firsts this year though, hope you get up against Nudgee.

No more to slum.

Local Man With No Defining Personality Traits Buys Film Camera

A local nuffie who has, up until this point, been defined solely by his ‘polite and friendly nature’ has decided to step up his game. Whilst most of his life has been dominated by being a ‘fringe guy,’ never really in the group chat but somehow still showing up for Friday drinks without fail, today is the dawn of new beginnings.

Following the purchase of an inexplicably overpriced $24.95 disposable camera from K-Mart, Cameron McLaughlin (22) is a re-invented man. 

Goodbye, ‘forgettable but nice guy that you’re introduced to at a 21st but immediately forget.’ Hello, ‘weird guy insisting he take a photo of me on his film camera, and making really certain I know he has a film camera.’ 

Somewhat similar to the purchase of a red convertible in your mid-forties, or Viagra medication in your-mid-sixties, the introduction of any film paraphernalia to one’s life instantly adds an aura of ‘cool,’ in the same way that cigarettes added a sexy aura in the 1950s, and being not riddled with the plague added a charismatic aura in the 1300s.

In order to capture the essence of his typical night out to Howard Smith Wharves, McLaughlin has been shoving his film camera in the face of any intoxicated stranger he can find. 

‘It’s really fucking weird that the guy in the Patagonia shirt over there keeps taking photos of us Juuling,’ reports one of McLaughlin’s most recent muses, the kind-hearted Nursing student Sarah McLennan (23).

‘Just came here for a quite night with my friends and old mate over here is acting like he’s just discovered Tame Impala, Stranger Things, rolled-up jeans, and the bare surface of acting indie. He’s a fucking freak.’

Reportedly, McLaughlin could not hear the sound of this vocal criticism over the metallic clank of the camera shutter on the analogue purchase. In his final comment to The Obiter, he declared ‘It goes really well with my record player and sneaker collection.

More to come.

Ex-Churchie First-Year Ironing The Ralph & Polishing The Birks In Preparation For O-Week

James Robertson, or ‘Chundo,’ as he’s now known to his mates after a particularly vicious bout of Great Northern-influenced gastrointestinal disease at Schoolies, is a grown-up now. Ironing his own collection of navy Ralph Lauren T-shirts, the 2019 Churchie Old Boy is ready to tackle O-Week, Market Day, and all the challenges and opportunities university has to offer Queensland’s brightest. 

Yet, some doubts have arisen over whether insular private schools provide the best training ground for early university experiences. When asked if he was excited for O-Week, and the clubs and societies present at Market Day, James (‘Chundo’) gave the desperately incisive response of ‘Haha, O-Week. Sounds like what I give my girlfriend.’

After our pained silence, he followed up on the original comment.

‘An orgasm every week.’

As our reporters gathered their thoughts, James whipped out the leather polish, but broke with the traditional private-school trend of polishing your fourth pair of RM Williams boots, and instead, starting adding a polished sheen to his Birkenstock sandals.

‘Rolled-up jeans, Birks, a Ralph T-shirt, and a cap of some American sports team I’ve never heard of, but will pretend to support regardless. I’m ready for Market Day!’ declared the dermatologist’s son.

What is he most excited for at Market Day? Following the purchase of FMAA and UQLNC memberships, the local first year cannot wait to have an 11am beer in the Reddo with all his cool new mates in the Beer and Rum Society. 

He also considered buying an L-Card but decided against it, citing the all pink marketing as being ‘a bit gay aha.’ In many ways, who can blame him?

As this absolute legend of a societal failure prepares to grace the St Lucia campus with his presence, and wear his BAFE hoodie until it’s practically falling off his shoulders onto the floors of PwC where he will inevitably receive a cushy consultancy gig, and oversee the yoke of capitalism crushing anyone or anything with dreams or creativity, there’s one thing we should all remember.

Iron Jack is a shithouse beer and it’s absurd the Red Room sells it.

No more to come.