Explosive Documents Reveal Hole in Pentagon Wall After Literally Exploding

ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA

Government officials were sent into a frenzy this morning after a set of particularly incendiary documents exploded spontaneously in a Pentagon filing cabinet.

Four government employees were injured in the accident, with two taken to hospital after sustaining moderate to severe paper cuts.

Sources in D.C. believe the powerful documents concerned Rudy Giuliani’s alleged trafficking of delicious Cuban ham for his personal consumption, in contravention of the Cuban trade embargo. While the Pentagon has dealt with similarly white-hot documents, officials say the explosion was unexpected.

“Generally, it is unusual for paper to explode without warning” claimed Secretary of Defense Mark Esper at press time.

“However, the California Earthquake Authority reported that the Earth was literally shaken by the controversy of the Panama Papers scandal, so this sort of incident isn’t completely without precedent.”

“Also, a giant portal to hell opened up out of the ground when the 2016 Paramatta Eels salary cap books were exposed.”

Doctors on the scene told The Obiter that while the employees involved are expected to make a full recovery, the wall will never be the same.

Vale.

First Year Uni Students From the Same Primary School Begin Game of “Let’s Pretend We Don’t Recognise Each Other”

Let me walk you through Michael Blates’ (17) first day of uni.

After giving three accidental lap dances while bouncing around like a pinball at the back of the UQ 412 bus, before pitifully failing to block a mature-age student from cutting into the main runway of the bus upon their arrival at Chancellor’s Place, Michael jumped onto the luscious pavement of the University of Queensland ready to hit the next chapter of his goobery life.

He first class of the day was an ECON1010 tutorial where, foreshadowing the events at lunch time, Michael had the boldness and conviction to learn the first name and degree of each of the four other great characters at his table. He’ll be sure to remember that for next week.

He then moved on to an ACCT1101 lecture, where the course co-ordinator, reminiscent of one of his mum’s book club friends that gives him a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek at every encounter, opened proceedings by appealing to the sensibilities of the modern youth with a cat me-me that her aunt had sent to her on the whatsapp. She then proceeded to fumble her way through operating the projector while repeating the reassuring line of “hmmmm it was working this morning”, and spent the next 25 minutes detailing the email addresses and office locations of all 18 tutors.

But by far the most goobery event of the day was where he caught the eyes of Sarah Lime (17), and with even more courage then he’d demonstrated that morning, completely ignored her existence. Good for you Michael. Enjoy pretending to enjoy Birdees you nerd.

Best of luck to the other competitors in the You-Know-That-I-Know-That-You-And-I-Both-Know-Who-You-And-I-Are game today, this week and for the rest of your lives.

Tyson Fury Wins World Title Of ‘Great Names For A Gay Porn Star’ Over Deontay Wilder & Lance Hardwood

Exciting news for passionate fans of competitive sport on Sunday, as British export Tyson Fury has won a resounding victory over Alabama’s Deontay Wilder in the World Championships of ‘Terrific Names For A Gay Porn Star.’

Whilst many viewers of the ceremony were surprised to learn that both Fury and Wilder were actually boxers, few were surprised that their names were comfortably in the top five, with the finalist’s category being rounded out by classic gay porn names such as Lance Hardwood, Johnny Rapid, and Rocco Steele.

However, Fury was able to overcome ‘stiff’ competition (good one!) to walk away triumphant, which in conjunction with his boxing victory or something, should make for a great weekend. 

It is worth noting that Fury won the title via split decision, with judges torn between Fury himself and young up-and-comer, Kurt Lockwood, before a ‘technical knockout’ handed Fury the victory. A ‘technical knockout’ in the ‘Fantastic Gay Porn Names’ awards is where the audience unanimously votes one name the best, and hence, his likeable appeal and all-round good bloke charisma ensured that Fury had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand.

And that was that. He walked away with an Oscar.

Hosted in, bizarrely, Darwin, the ‘Terrific Names For A Gay Porn Star’ award is one of the most hotly-contested trophies in the pornographic industry, as receiving an ‘Oscar’ is an indicator of professional recognition of success at all levels.

Intriguingly enough, the award is named the ‘Oscar,’ after its original winner, 1942’s Oscar Dicks. Whilst gay porn names, and in fact, all porn names, have come quite a distance since 1942, the ceremony always takes some time to acknowledge past victors, and few have been more influential since the ‘Thunderschlong from Oklahoma,’ Oscar Dicks.

More to come on this brilliant subculture.

Queensland Police To Investigate Whether Pol Pot Was Just A ‘Good Man Driven Too Far’

In a highly unusual move, Queensland Police have today opened a retroactive investigation into the notorious leader of the Khmer Rouge Pol Pot, to determine whether he was the murderous psychopath historians paint him as, or if he was just an honest battler who was driven too far.

‘I just think it’s incredibly important we keep an open mind,’ said Detective James Bryant at press time, ‘because we don’t want to be too quick to condemn mass executions.’

‘There’s a significant chance he was a good bloke who had too much asked of him by his citizens – it’s a hell of a lot of pressure on a man to constantly be asked for basic freedoms – it bloody makes me grumpy mate I’ll tell you that much for free!’ said the detective as he gave a protester a noogie.

‘Let he who hasn’t slaughtered countless innocents because he was upset cast the first stone.’

While many commentators condemned the detective’s remarks, Andrew Bolt quickly moved to back up the police investigation.

Licking his lips with his lizard tongue, the controversial personality implored viewers not to forget who Pol Pot was before he was driven mad by incessant nagging.

‘Reports have emerged that Mr Pot was actually in the Central Queensland Capras Squad for a few seasons back in the 1960s, so he was obviously a good, god-fearing  pedophile apologist like you or me,’ said the genuinely weird cunt.

No more to come.

Jessup Mooter Drafts Eighty-Page Submissions Detailing Plan To ‘Get A Handjob At Some Point’

Applying his keen analytical mind, sharp critical instincts, and irrepressible virgin energy, local Jessup mooter, Thomas McWilliamstone (22) has drafted a comprehensive series of submissions to, bizarrely, the International Criminal Court, outlining his detailed argument in favour of ‘me receiving a handjob at some point, thanks.’

Thomas, whilst a well-meaning fellow, has a view of sexual politics about as out-of-touch as his view of actual politics. 

Viewing ‘a handjob’ as his Medicare-For-All, he is currently feverishly drafting the sixth limb of his central argument: that there is a precedent established by the fact he’s ‘definitely kissed a girl,’ and as a consequence of that precedent, he is of the understanding that ‘a nice handjob should be right around the corner.’

Whilst Jessup coach Henry Rushdie (25) has been known to speak highly of Thomas’ various idiosyncrasies, this latest effort may be the last straw.

‘I mean, we’ve all done it,’ said Henry in a shocking revelation that we honestly weren’t really expecting. ‘We’ve all made formal submissions in favour of having sex, but the way he’s drafted it is actually pretty shaky.’

Wow. This story has grown bigger than we ever could have imagined. And after closer analysis of Thomas’ submissions, it appears his coach is correct. Whilst human rights leaders Nelson Mandela and Mahatma Gandhi probably said at a certain point in their lives that ‘physical enjoyment of life is important,’ it’s fairly irresponsible to quote them as a central piece of one’s argument in favour of receiving sexual favours.

Strange man. We’ll continue to explore this story as it rapidly develops, although we hope it really, really doesn’t. 

Plenty more to chum.

Man With No Discernible Musical Talent Optimistically Has GarageBand Installed On His Mac

‘I might need it one day, when I remix Tame’s latest single,’ said the man who earnestly struggled with ‘Ode to Joy’ on the recorder in Year 3.

Chip McCoy (19), a local Commerce/Science student whose real name is actually David Westfield, is a man completely and utterly devoid of any musical talent that could possibly be discerned, to the naked eye or otherwise. 

A childhood fan of Eminem and an adult fan of Sticky Fingers, the tides of popularity drive his musical taste, although his conviction that Dua Lipa is ‘still underrated, I reckon, lads’ is vaguely of note, if only for the fact that close analysis of his musical library means he doesn’t listen to Dua Lipa, but equally careful analysis of his saved Instagram videos indicates he stares at pictures of her far more than can be considered healthy, let alone legal.

Nevertheless, Chip, or ‘David’ to everyone who has some self-respect and doesn’t want to call a grown man Chip, is utterly, unshakably convinced that one day, he will need the popular beginner music production app, GarageBand.

‘Yeah, I don’t know, it’s like, what if one day some chords just come to me. Like I came up with my own chords, and then some lyrics happened. It would be like I’m Freddie Mercury, asking myself ‘what’s the lyric, Fred?’ Imagine that. It could happen,’ said David in a spittle-flecked rant reminiscent of the fiery tirades delivered by Rhodesian leaders of old.

In spite of the serious amount of storage space GarageBand takes up on his 2011 MacBook Air, he is immovable in this opinion, believing that his ticket out of a dull consultancy gig at KPMG, and his ticket into the cocaine-fuelled, sexually-harassing life of a rockstar, is the fated application made by Apple which he is finding so difficult to delete.

Funnily enough, if all he wanted was cocaine-fuelled sexual harassment, he could do a heck of a lot worse than a consultancy gig at KMPG.

The Obiter will keep an eye on this young man and the rapidly developing story around him, but for now, for all of those who harbour musical aspirations, remember this: if a bunch of dudes from Sydney who dress like shit and steal musical influences can headline Splendour, so can you.

And the fact that in the above sentence we could be talking about any one of Sticky Fingers, DMA’s, Hockey Dad, Ocean Alley, or any one of the other Triple J darlings who will be forgotten in four years, and you would have no idea which specific one we meant, is profoundly entertaining.

Je suis GarageBand. No more to slum.

The Case for Eugenics: This Man Just Tagged His Mate in a Domino’s Meme

The human capacity for depravity was once again on full display this morning after Business student and Sticky Fingers fan Alex Powell tagged unsuspecting friends in a shit pandering corporate meme. In what has become a national crisis, the comment has spurred efforts to prevent mouthbreathers such as Powell from procreating.

The incident is said to have occurred in the comments section of a Domino’s Australia post captioned “@J is the CEO of garlic bread”, to which Powell responded “@Jamie Wong haha you love your garlic bread mate haha”. Ugh.

Sources close to the Dylan Frost apologist say that unfortunately, tags like this have become par for the course. Ryan Purtill (22) says he had to completely cut Powell out of his life after being tagged in a Baskin-Robbins post captioned “like if you stan cookie dough”.

“Yeah that guy shouldn’t be allowed to breed” said Purtill, who has joined a chorus of powerful voices calling for drastic government interference.

Eugenics has generally found little favour in the past, perhaps due to its inherent inhumanity or something. However, public opinion has swayed dramatically in recent years in response to the significant increase in success of woke and/or savage corporate  marketing.

Surfing this wave of public support, the Federal Government today proposed a bill mandating the sterilisation of any person who likes, shares, or otherwise interacts with any attempt at viral marketing. The ‘Dumb Cunt Corporate Shills Gotta Go Bill’ received bipartisan support in the House of Representatives this morning, as Labor and the LNP issued a joint statement condemning the “unquestionable gimpitude” of people who engage in such practices. The Bill received only a single ‘Nay’ vote, from newly minted Greens leader Adam Bandt, who argued the proposed legislation “didn’t go far enough.”

The bill is expected to pass swiftly in the Senate tomorrow.

Let us pray it does.

No more to come.

‘Great Soccer Score!’ Comments Overweight Former 11E’s Rugby Player Watching AFLW

Meet Will Browner (20), current third-year student retaking first-year courses, future advocate of a pyramid marketing scheme, and one of those guys who reckons it’s an act of powerful resistance to PC culture to call his younger sister ‘retarded.’

The other day Will, or Willy, as his actually surprisingly lovely mother calls him, a former prop for the 11E Green’s, and sports analyst that would put Ricky Pointing to shame, left a witty, original comment on a Facebook post about the AFLW, describing one of the affairs as having a ‘great soccer score.’ 

Without doubt, Will, as one of those tall, lazy behemoths, whose greatest talent is sinking a beer at The Vic in under 12 seconds, has the credentials to make said comment. 

After all, he even once played a trial game in Year 8 for the C’s after Papa W put in a good word over the Gmail.

Will’s comment, which since yesterday has collected a hearty thumbs up from ‘Barry Cahill’ and ‘Steve Wellman,’ was also whole-heartedly endorsed by his mate Ben, who’s been working full-time at Maccas after deciding POLS1201 wasn’t for him. Ben followed suit by describing the landmark competition in women’s sport as ‘embarrassing.’ 

Speaking of embarrassment, Ben frequents Birdees.

Although brilliantly worded by Will, his reference to ‘soccer’ is somewhat surprising given that he decided that this was a ‘pussies’ game at the tender age of eight. Perhaps we underestimated Will. Perhaps he’s grown up even quicker than we think.

No more to come on this tragic chap.

Local Man Watches In Disbelief As Chips Are Devoured By Girlfriend Who Was ‘Not That Hungry’ 5 Minutes Ago

After spending a record-breaking forty-five minutes perusing the menu, one local Newmarket woman decides that the most delicious meal will be the one for which she does not have to pay a cent.

Bizarrely, the above record she broke was set by Cathy Freeman, which we have no further information about, but is definitely interesting. 

Despite devouring an entire pork belly banh mi after work from Banh Mi Now on Adelaide Street (ask for Lynette), Kayla Martin (25) has found herself hungry for the chips she ‘didn’t want at all,’ after witnessing a sweaty, spotty, criminally-underpaid Grill’d employee tenderly place them in front of her completely oblivious boyfriend.

Thankfully, due to the ancient legal doctrine of ‘Mi Casa, Su Casa’, and ‘Come On, Sweetheart,’ Kayla’s starvation will not endure as she claims her genuine human right to any and all forms of tuberous vegetables that her boyfriend may purchase, whether using the app, or in-person.

It’s not long until Josh Hartley (24) is watching on in frustration and disbelief as the last minuscule pieces of battered potato are hoovered up by Kayla, with the aggression and focus she normally reserves for criticising the production design of Harry Potter And The Cursed Child: Part Two.

‘It was two for one, for fuck’s sake. If only she said something,’ laments Josh, to no-one in particular, given Kayla is the only one who talks to him these days after he went way too hard on promoting cryptocurrency among his mates.

Unfortunately for Josh, this is not the first, nor will it be the last, time he is stupid enough to think that he can get away with eating all the fries by himself.

All is fair in love and war. No more to Krum.

Drew Pavlou Discovers UQ Senate Actually Just Really Dry And Boring Corporate Board

As he pored over the hundreds of pages of densely-typed notes all UQ Senators are expected to read in preparation for doing their actual job, UQ Senator Drew Pavlou came to the surprising realization that the Senate is actually not a platform for fun, attention-seeking, Animal House style antics but instead just a really dry and boring corporate board devoted to the discussion of financial minutiae, dominated by boring old people uncomfortably reminiscent of his stern, distant and disapproving father. 

Quickly coming to an awareness of just how much incredibly tiresome, anonymous, time consuming and soul-crushing work he had just voluntarily signed up for, Drew was quoted at press time expressing regret that his irrational quest to spite Peter Høj had got to the point where he now had to assume significant legally sensitive responsibilities as is expected of virtually all corporate board work. 

Prompted by these newfound revelations to engage in self-reflection for seemingly the first time in his entire life, Drew noted that he now recognized that it had possibly been a mistake to have inadvertently set off an international diplomatic incident based on strongly held feelings about StalkerSpace memes about Tiananmen Square denialism, and to consequently have allowed the aftermath of this one protest to spiral so far out of control due to his literally non-existent impulse control that he was now partly responsible for administering a two-billion dollar budget at a Top 50 global university.

As Chancellor Peter Varghese sent him yet another strongly worded email explaining why he could not use the word ‘cunt’ at meetings, Drew noted that being a UQ Senator was not at all like Schoolies - it featured no beer, drugs, chaotic loose fun, or hot unprotected (though consensual) sex with sexy girls. 

In fact, it was really the absolute opposite of any of this. 

At press time, Drew also noted that the UQ Senate election win, while fun, had not filled the gaping hole he felt inside, nor fixed his gnawing insecurity and lack of self worth.

More to come.