World Cup Final France’s Biggest Match Since THAT Final In ‘The Pink Panther’

Sunday will see France face off against Croatia in the 21st FIFA World Cup Final in what will be their biggest game since their infamous 2006 match against China, as immortalized in the classic film ‘The Pink Panther’.

For Croatia, it will be the first world cup final for the small Baltic nation.

But France will be playing for something much greater: to avenge the death of their former manager, Yves Gluant.  

Gluant was tragically stabbed in the neck with a Chinese poisoned dart and collapsed dead after the emphatic overtime win against China. The culprit, Yuri, ‘the trainer who trains’, is thankfully now behind bars, but the French remain on high alert.

When asked by The Obiter what Sunday’s game will mean to the French, star striker Kylian Mbappe responded ‘...There isn’t a day that goes by without me thinking about Gluant’s death. I haven’t played darts in years for fear that they might have Chinese poison on them.’

‘Inspector Jacques Clouseau is literally my Dad,’ added Antoine Griezmann.

Security at the stadium has been beefed up for the final, but sources close to the team have indicated to The Obiter that the French will play with neck cones on (you know, like the ones dogs wear sometimes?), as an added safety precaution.

The Obiter’s funding request to travel to the final in Moscow has unfortunately been denied by the UQLS.

The bastards.

Demographers Confirm That, Yep, You Are The Only Person In Brisbane This Holidays

The results are in, folks. And you’re not gonna like it!

The Obiter’s in-house team of demographers are many things: sexy, intellectual, racist. But the yummy little social scientists are one thing above all else: correct.

Between ripping bongs and hitting the water slides, the bad ass demographers who camp out in The Obiter mailroom have finally completed their study of population shifts in the greater Brisbane area 2018-18.

The results confirmed what many demographic academics and analysts have been hypothesising for weeks: you are indeed the only person left in Brisbane these uni holidays.

Yikes!

This study is very long and has lots of diagrams (yawn!) but The Obiter skimmed the shit out it and can confirm that the study involved a thorough unpacking of several demographic databases, such as Instagram and Snappychat.

“If you’ve been wondering why every time you walked down Eagle Street Pier you felt like a disgraced outlaw returning to a The shantytown he once called home, it’s because you genuinely are sauntering through an abandoned city,” lead demographer and drinker of beers Arty Banginswaite wrote in the report’s abstract.

“You’re the only person in this city you fucking loser.”

In some ways this is a good thing. When no one in the group chat responded to your message of ‘incredible 2 tonight?’ it wasn’t because they hate your ass. It’s because they’re living it up in the European sun while you play the Will Smith role in your very own homage to ‘I Am Legend.’

This study should put your mind at ease. Go rob GOMA or piss off the deck at Jade Buddha - there’s no one to stop you.

Demographers are poon lords.

Yiew!

Offering Something Useless For A Group Assignment Now Called ‘Elon Musk-ing’

The Official Society of Naming Things (OSNT) has made a shock announcement to the world today, just seconds after England lost to Croatia in the semi-final (not relevant to this article, but we find it funny).

From here on out, contributing something ‘pretty fucking useless’ to a university group assignment will be known formally as ‘Elon Musk-ing,’ or alternatively, ‘pulling an Elon.’

After Elon Musk spent an enormous amount of time, effort, and capital bringing a tiny submarine to the Thai cave wherein a number of boys were trapped - only for the submarine to be promptly rejected - the OSNT began to consider whether the event was worthy of the creation of a new phrase.

Much like the guy who spends three hours working on two rubbish PowerPoint slides, only to see them fail to make the final presentation, Musk hastily put together the mini-submarine in a somewhat controversial attempt to rescue the trapped boys.

The submarine, rejected by the Thai crew, is in many respects, the submarine of hope, put forth by a useless group member, and sent packing to the waters of rejection.

Ultimately, Musk’s dignity will remain intact, but it remains to be seen whether useless group assignment members will ever be recognised with the genuine dignity they deserve.

It’s not easy to be a failure.

‘hey mum, i won’t be home tonight xx,’ Football Texts At 5.30AM

The concerns of English parents over the state of English football have just grown rapidly with a humble text.

At approximately 5.33am this morning, a drunken football texted his parents, stating ‘hey mum, i won’t be home tonight xx.’ No indication whatsoever was given as to when football will be home, or whether football will ever be home again.

Last time football came home after a night out, it was 1966.

Football’s worried Mum had been up all night stressing over whether football would come home, even wearing a shirt with football’s name on it into the wee hours of morning - an admittedly strange strategy to encourage someone to come home.

Sources close to football suggest it might have spent the night partying with his Croatians and French friends, and very likely went home with one of them.

There was scope for football to come home after half-an-hour into the evening, but as soon as it really got stuck in with those dastardly Croatian buddies, it seemed there would be no chance for football to make it home.

The Obiter is proud to bring you cutting edge and clever sports journalism, such as above. We swear we know stuff about football.

If I See One More Photo of Dubrovnik Old Town On Instagram, I Will Genuinely Shit Myself

I’m not kidding.

The whole thing started out innocuously enough. A girl that I vaguely knew in Grade 11 posted a pleasant panorama of the seaside vista, accompanied by the only slightly annoying caption of, “DubrovTICK”.

But things weren’t quite right in my gut - and I don’t mean that metaphorically.

Maybe I haven’t been drinking enough water. Maybe I was wrong about the virtues of kombucha. Maybe I shouldn’t have been living exclusively off dried apricots and coffee for the past couple of weeks. There’s no real way to know if or how I could have prevented the destiny that awaits me.

All I know is my fate is this: If I see one more image of the medieval architecture, the breathtakingly blue ocean or the luscious surrounding forest of Dubrovnik, I will legitimately shit myself in stunning fashion.

There’s no explaining it, but that’s just the way it is. When the guy from my first year English elective posts a quaint little shot on the shores of the Adriatic Sea, I clench.

When Jimmy no-name from LAWS2700, whose only discernible personality trait is ‘drugs’, gets around the former maritime trade hub, I sweat profusely.

When my girlfriend who hasn’t texted me in two weeks posts a bikini pic with some guy she met at a hostel I enter a state of panic and put every fibre of my being into keeping those glutes locked tight.

I have reached a state of catharsis. I pray for the sweet release of the photo that will set off the Hiroshima of shits. I know what awaits me.

I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

Hopefully Contiki change their route next year so my gut can return to a state of relative normalcy.

Rescued Thai Boys Relieved They Made The Most Of Cave's $10 Cover Charge

“We really got our money’s worth!”

The world watched in awe as 12 boys and their coach were rescued from a flooded Thai cave yesterday. The boys were incredibly relieved that, after 18 days, they had really got one up over the cave management who had smugly charged them $10 entry.

“I thought it was free before 11,” one of the rescued boys told The Obiter.

The team were forced to scramble for loose change upon entering the cave, with many offering to buy their peers a drink of cave water inside if they could shout the cover charge.

“We’re going to stay for fucking ages,” one boy said. “We’re going to make that money back.”

Upon being rescued, the boys refused to admit that their gambit had gotten out of hand. “We made a statement today about the way cover charges hurt local cave businesses,” a particularly outspoken member of the group told the world’s waiting media organisations.

“With Oh Hello closing down, and this cave being pretty unlikely to attract many patrons for the next little while, it’s easy to see why nightlife and monsoon region cave diving are such tough industries to go into.”

No more to come.

Breaking! Elon Musk Offers To Use His Mini-Submarine To Rescue Refugees In Nauru

As the world is gripped by the suspenseful cave rescue of 12 Thai boys and their soccer coach, rescue chief Narongsak Osatanakorn has diplomatically declined Elon Musk’s attempts to help the mission.

According to Musk’s recent tweets, the tech entrepreneur and magnate has seemingly designed a submarine craft in the last three days “...made of rocket parts and named Wild Boar, after the kiids’ soccer team,” which he has left by the cave entrance “...in case it may be useful in the future. Thailand is so beautiful.”

The Thai rescue chief has responded and dismissed Musk’s offer by saying that “...although his technology is good and sophisticated it’s not practical for this mission. Also, is he still with Grimes? What’s the deal with that?”

In the preceding days, Elon Musk has reportedly been spotted outside the cave system sitting inside his submarine pod, blasting rocket launchers at Thai Navy Seals and offering to sell media representatives “electric powered oxygen tanks” from under his heavy trench coat.

Responding to claims that he is a ‘weird Tony Stark crossed with Mark Zuckerberg,’ Musk simply chortled with glee and scampered away to his laboratory to build a digital cave which will rescue the boys from the actual cave. Somehow.

The Obiter can exclusively report that since the Thai rescue chief tweeted his firm response, Musk has been spotted climbing into his electric hovercraft and scanning the Pacific region for more helpless children in dire need of rescue to capture the hearts and minds of the global public.

Musk has since hovered back to Thailand, propelling himself into the air on his ejector seat and exclaiming: “HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING IN NAURU?!

“It’s like what almost happened in Johnny English when Pascal Sauvage attempted to turn England into a giant commercial prison, but in Nauru – it seems he has succeeded! We need to bring down this evil overlord Pascal Sauvage and justice to the detainees on Nauru!... Nauru is so beautiful.”

Musk’s inane rants seem to have struck a chord with some on social media, but the mainstream media seems to have let him be.

We questioned Musk on where he planned on settling the refugees currently being processed on Nauru after he rescues them, since they presumably will not be allowed on shore in Australia, he responded, “I will take them to my Space Station via my Great Glass Elevator”.

Musk then boarded his mini-sub, Wild Boar, and disappeared into the ocean.

Where did he go?

Pictured: a leaked image of Musk's 'Wild Boar' submarine, being piloted by top operatives, or 'toperatives.'

Donald Trump Announces The Entirety of UQPS 3.0 As Supreme Court Nominee

US President Donald Trump, in an unprecedented move, has nominated pretty much every member of the Facebook group UQ Politics Society 3.0 to fill the Supreme Court vacancy.

The retirement of Justice Anthony Kennedy sparked a ferocious lobbying effort by Washington’s legal establishment to influence the President’s choice of replacement.

However, President Trump surprised his advisors and the world by opting against the tradition of nominating a single person to fill the seat and instead entrusting the laws of the nation to the better part of the 761 members of UQPS 3.0.

“Many were saying I should just nominate a federal appeals court judge,’ President Trump said in his announcement speech. “However, I was scrolling the feed and some of the polls these kids are posting in that group are just fucked. These are true conservatives.’

Many commentators have noted that the proliferation of incels within the nominated group ensures that the aggregate age is a comfortable 22, meaning the court would lean conservative until the Facebook society either dies, retires or meets a girl.

The curators of the United States’ highest court have already expressed alarm at the logistical implications of the nomination. ‘We only have one vacant seat,’ Bailiff Jim told The Obiter. “When you rule out Drew and his mates, that’s about 750ish little shits we’ve got to squeeze into one seat. It’ll be tight.’

At press time, liberals were formulating an awareness campaign to highlight the risks of confirming UQPS 3.0 to the court. ‘This nominee will overturn landmark decisions, such as whether Jordan Peterson is any good and if genocide can be funny,’ read an early email to the liberal activist group Everything Is Mean.

President Trump has signalled he will meet with his nominee at the Red Room to discuss confirmation strategies.

At press time, no one had shown up.

Drats! Football’s Coming Home And We Still Haven’t Washed Up The Dishes We Promised We Would

The clock is ticking. Time is running out. Football is coming home, and we still haven’t cleaned up the house!

When football left this morning, we promised we’d clean up the house, unpack the dishwasher, and put away any dishes we used throughout the day.

We’ve had so much fun today, playing Wii Tennis, eating homemade curly fries, and drinking copious amounts of red cordial that it looks like it’s completely slipped our minds - football will be coming home in a very short amount of time!

Once football gets through Croatia and France, it’ll be walking right through the front door, and we’ll be copping a hiding. Last time football came home and we hadn’t done the washing up, we were much younger, and we were yelled at. We don’t want that to happen again!

Hopefully, football hasn’t had a bad day at the office. But still, we have some time to clean up.

Note: At The Obiter, we don’t know very much about soccer. This is our attempt, based on the fact everyone’s been saying the phrase ‘Football’s coming home!’ a heck of a lot. Best wishes to us.

11AM Stomach Rumbles Clear Evidence Clerk Has Never Worked Full-Time Before

For Sarah Westley, her Winter clerkship at prestigious Brisbane firm, Golden Snitch Fleeehills, has been a time of learning, and a first step toward obtaining a graduate position. However, the deafening rumbles of her stomach at 11.15am also reveal another important element of her time at the firm.

This is the first time Sarah has ever worked full-time.

Unfortunately, in a professional environment, it is difficult to be ‘...constantly eating almonds, goghurts, and Pepsi Max,’ Sarah told The Obiter.

Her usually dietary patterns, established at a time wherein working two days a week as a discovery paralegal was a ‘hefty commitment,’ for her, have been completely upset by her clerkship.

In a confessional, raw, and revealing interview, Sarah suggested it was ‘pretty cooked that the lawyers don’t eat more. My stomach was going off like a bull in a china shop a few hours before lunch, and it was the only one!’

‘I’m not quite sure corporate culture is for me. If I can’t have leftover spring rolls and room-temperature lemonade at 10.30am…’ she trailed off, the rest of her words drowned out by her stomach.

That’s our fault for recording the interview at 10.20am, and not even having the common courtesy to offer Sarah a party pie and/or a few Barbecue shapes.

The prospect of a glittering career in commercial litigation certainly lightens Sarah’s hunger pangs, but with science yet to invent mufflers for hungry stomachs, the 11am challenge will remain a constant in her life as a clerk.

‘Can’t wait to go back to two days a week at uni, having a full curry at 9am after the first lecture of the day….’ she remarked.

‘Glory days.’