Genuinely Defeated Man Just Accepts Merlo’s Will Get His Name Wrong

Mike Mason (19), a chirpy Business Management/Tourism student, hails from Townsville, has a broad Australian accent which many find endearing, and an equal number find frustrating and unappealing.

For the most part, neither reaction particularly fazes Mike.

But for the last six months, every single flat white, cappucino, macchiato, or short black (he’s a man of diverse tastes), has come with an ounce of dread, a shot of shame, and two sugars, thanks (for all his diverse tastes, he still has a big old sweet tooth).

Unfortunately for Mike, his broad accent often troubles the staff at coffee institution, Merlo’s (or is it Merlo? Genuinely unsure of how we should phrase it). Whether it’s written down as Mark, Mick, Mic, Merk, Snark, Shark, Flark, or even Swarley, Mike has historically had some fairly consistent struggles with accuracy when it comes to the transcription of names.

But at this point in his university career, after dozens of red faces and awkward explanations of ‘No, actually, it’s Mark - Mark, you see, Mark,’ Mark is pretty much over it. He’s going to cop it on the chin, he’s going to grin and bear it, he’s going to deal with it.

And the next time they get it wrong, instead of a hasty explanation, those downtrodden baristas will be met simply with a wave of the PayPass, an exclamation of ‘Oh, yes, I do actually have a Friends of Merlo card,’ and ultimately, everyone’s day will improve.

Because when it all comes down to it, does it really matter if they get your name right?

*This article has been brought to you by Merlo Coffee UQ - The Committee For Recognition Of The Barista’s Right To Choose (Your Name).

Doctors Pretty Pissed Off By Arrogant Apples

Taking a break on commenting on toothpaste or bowel-assisting vitamins, nine out of ten doctors have today suggested they are pretty frustrated by a growing number of apples who ‘hate doctors.’

‘In a sense, these delicious red and/or green fruits want to ‘keep us away.’ It’s a very odd rationale for fruit, for whom we have always been great supporters,’ said Dr. Stephen Groves, Vice-President of the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners.

Throughout history, doctors and apples have enjoyed a somewhat-tense relationship, although those in the medical community argue they have never intentionally tried to stay away from apples.

However, it does appear to be a pretty fucking big coincidence that, for those who enjoy an apple a day or greater, doctors seem fairly deadset on staying away.

No official statement from the apple community has been released. Nevertheless, a rogue Pink Lady, skin dripping with an air of unbridled arrogance that comes from a sexy nickname like ‘Pink Lady’ (particularly when your real name is Malus domestica).

The Pink Lady suggested ‘Doctors across Australia should be careful… they’ve always tried to stay away from us, but what might happen if we bring the fight to them? Watch yourself, is all I’m saying.’

Trouble brewing. We’ll dispatch a second reporter to investigate.

Saddened Students Mourn The Death Of A S’well With A Little Dent In It

Tragic scenes on this Monday morning mourning.

A crowd of teary onlookers have gathered around the bin on Level 2 of the Law Library (which is really level 1, like c'mon) to mourn the passing of the S'well bottle once happily owned by third-year Business/Law student, Eliza Doyle.

Things were going pretty, ah, swell, in their happy relationship, with Eliza filling her bottle with chilled goodness and the bottle in turn keeping it cool for a nearly-unbelievable 12 hours.

That is, until S'well fell from her bag as she was getting off the bus. There was a sickening ding and angels did sing and shocked cries did fling from the tongue of the young woman. She quickly realised that the fall had left a dent in the bottom making it unable to stand up properly without spilling some of its water wet wet cool goodness.

With that, there was no returning.

A quick funeral and farewell to the S'well saw it being deposited in the bin with all those annoyingly non-recycled Boost juice and Merlos cups.

"It's how he would have wanted to go," said Eliza of her anthropomorphised bottle with a bunch of fronds painted delicately on its outside.

"It's going to take a while to get over this... I might just have a few flings with some plastic Pump bottles, being with those is pretty short lived".

ABC's War on Waste: Return Of The Jedi is available now on iView.

Turnbull Texts Steve Smith: ‘Want To Grab A Beer?’

‘Hey mate, what’re you up to tonight?’ deposed Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has asked former Australian Test Cricket captain Steve Smith in a text sent this afternoon.

‘Not a whole lot mate,’ Smith answered in a concerningly quick reply. ‘Was just going to go down to the nets for a bit but could probably give it a miss. You doing much?’

The leaked conversation paints a picture of two men who, frankly, don’t have a whole lot going on in the next few days.

‘Have you seen Black Panther yet?’ Turnbull queried in a follow up message to the disgraced cricketer, this time on Messenger.

‘Nah but I think it’s out of cinemas now dude.’

‘Ah srs? Smh.’

‘I think we could still catch Ant-Man and The Wasp?’

‘Nah let’s just watch something at home. I’ve actually never seen the Bourne movies.’

‘Oh really? They’re really good.’

‘Yeah I heard. Watch those?’

‘Yeah there’s three of them so probs will be too late to watch all of them.’

‘Do you have work tomorrow?’

‘Oh lol no. Let’s watch them all.’

BEL Faculty Smugly Reminds Peter Dutton About The Risks Of A Re-Mark

Backbench federal politician, and genuinely the shittest fucking bloke, Peter Dutton today learned the harsh risks of applying to the BEL Faculty for a remark after his decision resulted in losing his bid for Prime Minister.

‘I reckon I risk it and back the re-mark,’ Dutton reportedly told his close friends and allies on Wednesday afternoon.

Mr Dutton has told the media that he was fully aware of the risks but really did think he’d get bumped up to the top job on this re-mark.

‘I went up a few votes but still couldn’t scrape into the next bracket,’ Dutton whinged.

At press time, Dutton was checking the Census date to see if he could drop out of Parliament without financial penalty.

More to come.

‘Why Do We Keep Backstabbing Those In Charge?’ Asks Nation Settled By Captain Cook

The Australian people today find themselves grappling with the fact that the country’s federal politicians have again put their jobs and ambition before the good of the country.

The ensuing spectacle has led many Australians to ask themselves an uncomfortable question: how can Australia, a nation founded by way of blatant theft of land from the Indigenous population, be so privy to backstabbing the people in charge?

“It’s just not in our character to take a position from someone who rightfully holds it,” said Damien McGinty, whose distant relative assisted Captain Cook carry out the genocide of the Aboriginal tribes who had nurtured the Australian soil for thousands of years.

The leadership shuffle has confounded Australians across the right end of the political spectrum. “Taking something that doesn’t belong to us is not who we are,” said a white guy we interviewed.

The identity crisis and soul searching of the Australian population will not be easily resolved.

“I reckon someone should do a National Apology to say sorry for the amount of time I wasted refreshing ABC News today,” said a different white guy we interviewed. “It’s unethical.”

At press time, a movie deal was being developed to tell the story of this treacherous time in our nation’s history, entitled ‘Backbencher-Proof Fence.’

Prime Minister Roster Sticky-Taped To Parliament Break Room Fridge

After a hard day of standing outside parliament, The Obiter's political correspondent was snooping around looking for a snack when she made an astonishing discovery. In an attempt to provide some stability to government the Governor General Peter Cosgrove has made a nice little roster and taped it to the fridge.

‘They’ve all proved that they can’t play nicely and learn to share so I had to step in.’

It appears that the top job will be rotated around the parliament in weekly stints.

‘While I was at it I also added a few other jobs that could do with a bit of action around here. Tony’s on dishes this week, I’ve had it up to here with his onion peels around the sink.’

Bill Shorten could be seen peering into the break room asking if it was his go soon.

‘Uhhhh yea sure Bill, why don’t you go play with the other kids… Hey Peter! I’ve warned you already, let Anish into the playground or Scott gets to be PM for a second week in a row instead of you.’

It’s pure chaos down here in Canberra.

‘Yes Matthias you can go pee pee... Fuck me when they said that politics was full of petty immaturity, I didn’t think I'd actually have to treat them like children.’

Dutton Warns He Must Be Made PM Before African Gangs In Ozone Boats Pillage Parliament

“We are running out of time, god darn it,” Queensland conservative Peter Dutton was heard screaming as he sprinted through the halls of Parliament House this afternoon.

Dutton, a contender to become Australia’s seventh Prime Minister in 11 years, has warned his colleagues that a “dark and terrible” plague shall descend upon Canberra if he is not awarded the confidence of his party by sundown.

“I have it on good authority that several fleets of Ozone boats, carrying nothing less than swarms of naughty African gangs, are headed for the capital,” Dutton told the press in a media address earlier today.

“I believe I am the only man who can ward off the carnage and tomfoolery that will no doubt arise if these left-leaning werewolves are to reach the Parliament.”

No major news sources have managed to validate Mr Dutton’s claims. The current Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull dismissed the chatter as “unfounded.”

“What even is an Ozone boat?” Turnbull reportedly asked his remaining allies.  

“And what does Dutton mean when he says these gangs are like plebiscites with legs?”

Despite doubt, Mr Dutton’s warnings have caused furore within the epicentre of federal politics. At press time, citizens of Canberra were seen fleeing their homes, clutching boxes packed with their belongings as they scrambled to leave the city before the “Village People of Somalian death” reached their doorsteps.

Mr Dutton was last seen wearing a plate of armour whilst hanging from the pole atop Parliament.

“These are not the good South African farmers,” he bellowed across the land. “These are the Labor-voting, wage-rising, tax-raising, gun-toting, spear-throwing, bloodsucking goblin folk that I warned of for many moons!”

More to come.

Betoota Advocate Writers Honestly Shitting Themselves With Joy

With the endless political drama unfurling in Canberra, fresh twists unveiling themselves every minute, it’s important to remember the people for whom this is a glorious day: the writers and content creators of satirical publications across Australia, and in particular, the Betoota Advocate.

‘We’re so relieved we don’t have to run another article that says ‘Local Man Is Hungover Again’ or some shit,’ said staff writer Greg Betoota.

‘We can finally sink our teeth into our true bread and butter: highlighting the sheer idiocy and foolishness of our politicians.’

It would not be incorrect to describe today as the best day ever in the life of The Betoota Advocate.

Indeed, some have expressed fears that the typing of their fingers will literally not be able to keep up with the whirring speed of the political satire coming out of their minds, with headlines such as ‘Report: Polliticccians Fckjn Suk Aye’ to be expected over the coming hours.

Meanwhile, at The Obiter, we haven’t come up with any overly fresh takes about the crisis itself, so it looks like we’re resigned to fresh takes on the fresh takes. Criticism of The Guardian’s coverage, anyone?

Malcolm Turnbull Announces $120M Vote On Something Everyone Has Already Decided

Seemingly unsatisfied by his expensive and ridiculous plebiscite on same-sex marriage, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (who is still Prime Minister at the time of writing this article but God we could be proven wrong very quickly) has announced another $120million vote on something everyone already knows the answer to: the viability of his leadership.

It appears Malcolm has a staggering hard-on for logistically-confusing, over-the-top votes on issues that are pretty clear already.

Much in the same way most of Australia could have guessed same-sex marriage would enjoy majority support, the bulk of the country is pretty on top of the fact Malcolm will not be able to command the confidence of his own party, or Parliament, and will subsequently lose his position.

However, brave Malcolm refuses to be deterred. Reportedly, he thought the plebiscite was ‘a bit too convenient, if we’re being honest,’ and wants to encourage LNP party room members to vote on his leadership by using the whistle Katniss does in The Hunger Games at exactly 11.30pm if they wish for his leadership continue.

Somehow, that will cost the nation hundreds of millions.

What the fuck, Canberra?