Malcolm Turnbull Assembles Deathly Hallows Just In Time To Defeat Peter Dutton

The transcript of a private call between Peter Dutton and Tony Abbott this morning has been leaked.

‘The boy has discovered our secret, Tony. It makes us vulnerable. We must deploy all our forces now to find him. And you, my friend, must stay close.’

The Obiter’s political correspondents then heard an address to parliament by Peter Dutton this morning where it was reportedly stated:

‘I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But this is a folly. Give me the Prime Minister. Do this and none shall be harmed. Give me Malcolm Turnbull, and I shall leave Corporate tax rates untouched. Give me Malcolm Turnbull, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour.’

A protective media ban was then cast over Parliament House but it is rumoured that Malcolm was seen asking if anyone has seen his cloak.

Upon defeat Peter Dutton provided this warning as he retreated to the backbench.

‘You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. Every drop of conservative blood spilled is a terrible waste. I therefore command my forces to retreat. In their absence, dispose of your cabinet with dignity.

‘Malcolm Turnbull, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your colleagues to resign for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonour. Join me on Manus Island, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last Man, Refugee and CEO who tries to conceal you from me.’

Scandal! ‘Bachelor’ Contestant Dasha Sent By Vladimir Putin To Infiltrate Australia

It appears that Vladimir Putin has grown tired of playing puppeteer to the free world and has taken on his biggest challenge yet.

In a global exclusive, The Obiter’s Moscow correspondent caught up Mr Putin deep in the Kremlin. 

‘Da, manipulating US presidency was challenge but only practice for greatest test yet’

When asked how he planned on winning the hearts and minds of the Australian populace his answer was simple.

Season 6 of ‘The Bachelor.’

But how?

‘It is simple, I send highly trained KGB agent Igor Dockmanovich, code name ‘Dasha,’ to steal love of Australian sport man.’

And the plan appears to be working, we caught Dasha scurrying around the air vents of the Bachelor mansion, and were able to interview her briefly. She made some intriguing comments about winning the affections of Nick Cummins as the first step toward genuine infiltration.

‘Like taking sugar from infant, I implant tracker while distracting with handstand.’

The plan appears to be working. While the girls sit and discuss Vanessa Sunshine’s villain status, Dasha has made quick work planting bugs in strategic locations around the mansion.

‘I am prepared to kill in order to achieve my objective.’

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, Dasha.

Free Sense Of Entitlement To Be Offered With Each UQ Law Hoodie

In fortunate news for law students at the University of Queensland, and wankers all across the land, the UQLS has announced a little bonus for anyone who elects to purchase a UQ Law Hoodie across this coming month.

No-one will be able to accuse the UQLS of being stingy stinges after it has been revealed that each UQ Law hoodie sold will come with a free sense of entitlement.

Whilst raw, unbridled arrogance and obnoxiousness will cost an extra $20, the air of entitlement will cost punters the princely sum of $0.

Students will have the option to turn down the sense of entitlement, and instead opt for a weird excess of humility to the point where it almost seems like you’re bragging again.

This strange humility will manifest in statements such as ‘I’m studying Law so I can go to the UN and make a difference in the lives of Nigerian telecommunications experts who are trapped in New Zealand, working for wool. I guess I just want to put my talents to use for someone else. It would be so selfish if I dared earn an income for myself, or admitted to myself that I probably chose Law because the money’s pretty alright.’

The free sense of entitlement policy was decided after months of deliberation by the UQLS Management Committee, and after multiple filibusters from the Assistant Under-Secretary to the VP of Sub-Executive Marketing & Communications Direction, the policy passed. It has been celebrated by students across the faculty, although many point out that they will be rich soon, so stuff being free doesn’t carry quite the same weight.

‘I mean, I’ll be earning $100k my second year out of uni, so it’s not like money will be any object,’ said Brett Thistlethwaite, a fifth-year Law student with an assured graduate position with his father’s boutique commercial litigation practice, named ‘Waugh Richardson Blewett.’

‘But it’s so exciting that I won’t have to splurge on an air of condescension and entitlement this year. More money to spend on *not* cocaine!’

Dean Peter Parkinson’s misguided attempt to offer rosary beads with every hoodie was met with derision. He retreated to his Tiny House outside the Art Gallery to continue plotting ways to introduce God and Law for the first time ever.

Dean Parkinson To Ensure ZipTaps In Law Library Dispense Holy Water

As part of a package of Christian reforms brought to the TC Beirne School of Law, new Dean Patrick Parkinson has elected to replace the ‘hot water’ function of ZipTaps with ‘Holy Water,’ hoping the move will encourage heathen Law students to repent.

‘Hot water is the Devil’s work,’ said a spokesperson for the Law school, remarking that ‘Satan often works in mysterious ways. ZipTaps is one of them. But ZipTaps can be reclaimed for the side of the Lord.’

The move is hardly unique, as it follows a directive Pope John Paul II wrote on his deathbed, his papal signature glistening on a piece of parchment that reads ‘Put Holy Water in their S’wells. Save their souls. Ave Maria.’

Whilst the decision has proved controversial in some quarters, most students are fairly comfortable with the rapid Catholicization of the Law Library. ‘God, I need all the help I can get in Contracts B!’ said one first-year student, whilst another said ‘Satan must be weaving his magic in Principles Of Public Law - I don’t understand some elements of the course and it’s definitely not my fault!’

These students have thus welcomed a holier presence in their S’well and/or (inferior) Oasis water bottles.

The mysterious papal figure of Parkinson has been seen wandering the corridors of the Law school, muttering ‘Amo hoc ipsum lex sit amet,’ which is believed to be Latin.

Fascinating scenes! Probably more to come!

Academy Awards Introduce A ‘Most Woke Moment’ Oscar For 2019

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences caused a little bit of a stir with its announcement of a new category for the 2019 Academy Awards, and the controversy is showing no signs of dissipating.

The Oscar for Outstanding Achievement In Popular Film was arguably created to address criticisms that the Academy was growing out of touch, focusing on slow-paced, thoughtful films involving elderly white people doing slow-paced, thoughtful things.

But today, they have elected to hit back even harder on those criticisms. Much like the bus in Keanu Reeves’ masterpiece Speed, this runaway bus of the Oscars becoming politically aware is showing no signs of halting, with the Academy announcing a new category.

‘Most Woke Moment In A Motion Picture.’

A fascinating loophole in the rules for the award has been noted, with the phrasing of the guidelines technically suggesting the motion picture itself doesn’t have to be new, but rather, the woke moment itself must be new. Subsequently, a number of old Hollywood directors have expressed their intention to retrospectively insert woke moments into their old films, hoping to get their hands around the inaugural ‘#WokeOscar.’

Mel Gibson, now a famed anti-Semite and generally insane person, has announced plans to reshoot 1995 winner Braveheart wherein Scottish warrior William Wallace delivers a compelling speech on the importance of unity in the wake of Brexit, whilst decapitating an English soldier.

Similarly, Billy Zane’s villainous character in Titanic will now be given a scene toward the end, wherein he voluntarily flings himself into the water upon realising he is a hateful misogynist. And in very recent news, James Cameron has suggested he will remove the scene where the blue aliens in Avatar bond with their animals in the same way they have sex - not because it would be woke, but because he finally realised that was just an odd fucking element of the movie.

Critics have remarked that the new award is a fairly tokenistic way to encourage more motion pictures to have diverse roles and feature diverse stories, and are reportedly fearful the move will simply encourage cishet white male directors to shoehorn in an inspiring minority.

In response, we’d like to announce the creation of “The Obiter Films,” our new production company, who will be debuting our first film, ‘Women Are The Cat’s Pyajamas, Minorities Are The Bees Knees,’ at Cannes next year.

Early Bird Got The Worm, Still Pretty Tired Though, Would Love A Coffee

Some fascinating news coming out of the bird community today! It has long been accepted that bird have quite a bit of variety in their waking hours, with some birds committed to rising early, whilst others are a touch lazy, and find themselves missing valuable nutrition as a consequence of their late rise.

But this morning, a very early bird got the worm. Unfortunately, ‘Caw,’ as he is known to his friends, is still pretty tired, and would love a coffee if you’ve got one.

If you don’t have a coffee, a Red Bull or a V would do, but a coffee really would be ideal, if that’s alright.

Whilst eating a worm is a good achievement in the morning, and probably validates Caw’s decision to wake up as early as he did, it doesn’t take away from the bleariness and laziness that typifies the rest of Caw’s day after he woke up early.

There’s also a sense of emptiness for the rest of your day, when you begin by getting the worm. Whilst it’s certainly easier to get the worm early, it becomes less of a challenge, and the accomplishment of the hunt is partly lost.

Some make the argument that if Caw gets the worm early, he can fill his day with other productive activities. But for someone who largely lives for the moment he can eat the worm, there are some concerns that Caw will be cast adrift if he continues to get up early.

Intriguing things coming out of the bird community. Probably no more to come, this is one of the dumbest ideas we’ve ever done.

Pervy Guy Thinks He’s 'A Bit Of A Character', Is Actually Just A Perv

Dom Perryson (20), an Arts/Law student at UQ, majoring in ‘Good Times’ (his words, not ours) is a quirky, fun guy who loves a cheeky joke and a squeeze. Sometimes he crosses the line. But his defence? He thinks of himself as, and will tell anyone who listens, a ‘bit of a character.’

Coming a long way since his days as a gawky middle school debater at his Brisbane private school, Dom got a boost of confidence in Year 12 when a girl at Mock UN added him on Facebook, and then when his new Maths C tutor Sarah laughed kindly at his jokes.

Since then he’s been unstoppable.

Determined to take his new-found sexual swagger to the bright lights of the university stage, Dom has set about on his quest to become a Big Man On Campus Who Picks Up with great success.

Or so he’d have you believe.

When other students were asked their feelings on Dom, they ranged from ambivalence at best, to disgust at worst.

“He’s really weird. He thinks he’s this big quirky character, but honestly, he’s just a bit of a creep. I mean, he followed me around for all of first semester and now keeps writing poorly-coded messages to me on UQ Love Letters.”

This female student has had to have her identity protected. “Once, I went to Prohibition on Ladies Night for the free drinks, and he was just there by himself at a booth! Not waiting for anyone or meeting up, literally just there being an actual pervert.”

“Yeah, and he reckons it’s fine because he’s a zany personality- last week in the Valley he literally threw a kebab at me because I didn’t want to go home with him, and then Channel 10 signed him on for Pilot Week.”

In an interview, Dom admitted that “I know I can be a bit weird sometimes— I mean, I’m a bit of a nerd maybe, and some girls have said they feel uncomfortable— but I’m such a character, none them ever mind!”

When asked if they minded, every girl responded with a resounding “Yes.”

Please Dom, no more to come.

Environmental Activists Urge Tutors To Stop Using Ice Breakers

Political science tutorials around the university have been subject to fierce opposition from environmental groups attempting to stop tutors from using ice breakers as activities. Greens groups have set up blockades around the campus, citing the rising sea levels caused by the early semester tutorial activities.

As fourth-year Law/Science student Bianca Jenkins explains:

‘Greenhouse emissions are at the point where even metaphorical ice is being affected. These tutors are risking the lives of coast dwelling communities.’

It’s not all doom and gloom, many students welcome the change and are enjoying the small luxury of being able to remain completely silent in tutorials without fear of persecution.

Students are enjoying unprecedented comfort in tutorials, able to remain completely disengaged without a care in the world.

Unfortunately, this change has come at a cost, with ecological damage being caused at a rate that has Al Gore saying ‘I told you so.’

The Obiter caught up with affected Micronesian teenage Adai Baccam, whose tiny island nation was subsumed by rising sea levels.

‘I am extremely glad that the destruction of my community could provide some relief from awkwardness for a small group of privileged students. University was never meant to take people out of their comfort zones, my sacrifice is but a small price to pay. Luckily Australia’s incredibly generous attitude towards refugees has allowed me to begin a new life.’

Adai is enrolled to begin Engineering (Mining) at the beginning of 2019.

Woman Who Answers All Tutorial Questions Awarded Victoria Cross

Australia's highest military honour, the Victoria Cross, has today been awarded to third year laws/arts student Jacinta Harrison (20). 

A ceremony held in the Great Court aimed to, and this is a direct quote:

‘Give recognition to persons who in the presence of the enemy, perform acts of the most conspicuous gallantry, or daring or pre-eminent acts of valour or self-sacrifice or display extreme devotion to duty.’

The award was given to celebrate Jacinta’s incredible selflessness and bravery on Tuesday. At approximately 0900 Hours in the West Wing of the Forgan Smith Building a small group of third years was cut off during routine attendance of a LAWS3114 tutorial. It is believed that the squadron was ambushed by a hostile tutor who advanced on their position, firing questions from the optional readings.

According to eyewitness Billy McMahon (also 20), ‘the group set up a defensive position of blank stares and random typing in order to divert the onslaught, but the situation was dire.’

‘Their position was seconds away from being overrun when Jacinta put up her hand showing utter disregard for her own safety.’

The gaze of the tutor, which was at this point pinning down the group turned menacingly on Jacinta, now completely exposed from cover, who was prepared with an insightfully nuanced answer which completely disarmed the tutor, removing the threat.

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull described Jacinta’s conduct in the deafening silence of the tutorial ‘inspirational.’

Jacinta is the fifth recipient of the Victoria Cross for Australia since its creation in 1991.

Good Job Jacinta! And as they say in the halls of government, ‘Mark, could you grab me a Pasito?’

‘I Am Hannah Gadsby,’ Thinks Bloke Who Once Laughed At His Girlfriend’s Joke

Nanette? More like Manette.

The comedy world has been turned upside down today after Trent Burkwood (23) chuckled at a wisecrack made by his girlfriend of 18 months, Jess Woods (21).

Woods, upon receiving a coffee at the couple’s favourite café, looked at the top of the cup to see the spelling of her relatively straightforward name had been utterly butchered by Tasmyn, the barista who would have admittedly limited experience spelling normal names.

“Didn’t realise I’d changed my name to Jeck,” Ms Woods slyly whispered to her boyfriend. Witnesses at the scene even reported a smirk.

Mr Buckwood, upon hearing the line, reportedly made the spontaneous sounds and movements of the face and body that are the instinctive expressions of lively amusement and sometimes also of derision.

The laugh seemed inconsequential at first. However, it was not until minutes later that Trent Buckwood realised he had personally solved the gender crisis that has plagued comedy for years.

His conclusion was as obvious as it was momentous: “I am but Hannah Gadsby.”

Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix special Nanette has been praised for its no-holds-barred dissection of the sexism and misogyny within comedy. However, Buckwood took no pleasure it contacting Ms Gadbsy’s agency to inform the stand-up that it was in fact he, Trent Buckwood of Mt Gravatt, who had irreversibly shifted the momentum of women’s progress within the comic sphere.

“Yeah listen, I had a giggle and I reckon that pretty much solved it,” Buckwood expressed in his voicemail. “I am indeed Gadsby, initial H. I have cracked the code that has befuddled comic minds for menerations: woman are funny… thought you ought to know.”

Buckwood says that he intends to embark on a nationwide speaking tour, conducting seminars with young women to explain to them that they can be funny. “What women need to understand,” Buckwood began as his hand gestures kicked into gear, “is that chicks just need to have a go. My misso made that coffee gag and it was fucking funny.”

“If youse just try to be funny heaps more than I reckon there will be more funny women, yeah?”

Hannah Gadsby did not respond to our request for an interview. The real Hannah Gadsby, however, did, as made evident by the subject of the article above.