‘Stop Calling Me A Sex Addict!’: Deputy President Begins Term By Threatening Journalistic Independence

‘Guys, seriously. It’s beyond a joke at this point. People from my work are seeing it, and I’m getting asked a lot of uncomfortable questions - particularly ‘What are you doing this weekend?’ I’d just really appreciate if we could cut it out on the sex addict front. Regards.’

Those words, escaping the mouth of the Deputy President-elect, represent one of the most significant challenges the UQLS will face in 2019.

In a severe threat to The Obiter’s journalistic independence, and thus the integrity and honesty of the UQLS itself, the Deputy President-elect, Mr H Bretz, has threatened to cease funding to The Obiter if articles about his alleged sex addiction continue to be posted.

The Obiter relies on the funding of the UQLS to stay afloat, and to pay its editors salaries well in excess of $740/week. Without the gracious financial bursaries provided, quality news and investigative reporting of the Law School, the University, and the country, would cease to exist as we know it.

But this act of aggression from the Deputy President puts us in a position that some would describe as untenable. Others would describe it as ‘Yeah, just stop posting made-up articles about someone’s sex addiction. It’s cooked.’

A series of phone messages from the Deputy President made his position abundantly clear (his position regarding The Obiter, not the position he traditionally adopts when consummating an evening of sex addiction).

‘It’s just a bit dog, guys, I truly am getting sick of it, and you’ve been getting fewer and fewer likes ever since you started posting them. Might be time to try another joke?’

The integrity and independence of this organisation will never cease. When they go low, we go high. When they say jump, we ask how high, and then we refuse. Our tireless reporting will not halt in informing the public of the myriad details which make up a Law Society.

We will never surrender.

Pictured: The Obiter’s investigative team hard at work.

'Huh, That's Interesting,' Says Student Learning Content For First Time In Open Book Exam

‘Ahhh, that actually makes a fair bit of sense,’ muttered Chris Tooth, a fourth-year law student as he discovered the exception to the hearsay rule in the law of evidence, halfway through his exam.

Of course, this would have been known to Chris if he’d been to a lecture since Week Four, or had opened Blackboard at all during SWOTVAC. However, despite repeatedly telling himself at the start of the semester that this one would be different and that it’s actually time to start taking this degree seriously, this semester was exactly like every other before it.

‘Let’s see if they’ve got any examples in here that are the exact same as the question…. Come on, you good thing,’ muttered Mr Tooth as he flicked through reams of paper, compiled by various classmates all more organised than him, the pages still warm after being spat from a Milton Officeworks printer a mere half an hour prior.

His eyes scanned each page, desperately hoping for a repeat of the Criminal Law B exam.

‘Haha, yeah that was a godsend, I deadest hadn’t looked at the course, took the past exam feedback in and they recycled half the questions. Needless to say, I was at church that weekend!’

This wasn’t his first rodeo - years of open book exams had prepared him for moments like this. Ice ran through his veins while fresh knowledge entered his brain. We somehow convinced the invigilators to let us interview this piece of academic filth mid-exam.

‘Trusts A… that was something special. A certain lecturer, bless him, didn’t actually change any of the tutorial questions before putting them straight into the exam. Come to think of it, they’re pretty much just giving these degrees away.’

(It is unsure whether the church to which Chris referred to was The Brightside before or after renovation).

David Warner Leaves Cricket Match After Meanie Throws A Leather Ball At His Legs

‘That’s fucked. Do you know who I am?’

In surprising scenes this weekend, disgraced Australian cricketer David Warner walked off the field of a grade cricket match he was playing, in response to an opposition bowler hurling a hard piece of ball-shaped leather straight at him.

Four overs into Randwick-Petersham’s clash with Western Suburbs, and with the left-handed Warner on 9 not out, he suddenly took issue with the fast bowler charging in and delivering the ball.

After a brief conversation with the umpire, who explained ‘...that’s literally what the game is,’ Warner angrily charged off the field.

'How dare he? Running up, just throwing a hard bit of leather at me. What a genuine bully. I don't have time for this shit,’ Warner stated.

‘I play my cricket tough, but fair. I can take the heat. But this crosses the line. What sort of sick bastard just keeps throwing things at me? Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so will this little bit of red leather. Safety first, please!’

After his teammates took some time and energy discussing with David the process of how cricket generally functions, he slowly came around to their point of view, and returned to the field to resume his innings.

Nevertheless, after the game he couldn’t help but describe himself as a ‘big man,’ for ‘copping something I [he] didn’t have to.’

Fascinating. Certainly more to come in Warner’s odd grade cricket career.

Progressive Plumber Worries His Free Pipe Giveaway Has Been Wildly Misunderstood

Jim Crook is a 41-year old Californian who has voted Democrat his entire life. Jim’s plumbing business ‘She’s Got Pipes!’ earns him a modest income to support his three children and wife, Janelle.

Jim knows that 2018 has been a hard year for the political party that he loves with all his American heart. From the Kavanaugh confirmation and stripping back of environmental regulations, Jim felt that a sense of hopelessness had taken hold of elected Democrats.

Jim wanted to help out. But how? He was but a humble plumber from San Diego. That’s when he had his idea. Democrats were busy trying to win back the House and Senate; far too busy to worry about their plumbing.

So Jim, in a show of goodwill and support, decided to mail his left-wing heroes some free pipe. This way, if any plumbing issues arose throughout the course of the mid-terms campaign, they wouldn’t need to waste time calling the plumber when they could be out canvassing and talking to voters.

Jim walked down to his local post office, smiling ear to ear.

“Wow,” Jim thought. “It feels so good to make a difference in my own little way.”

Jim started to send the pipe to all his idols: the Clintons, President Obama, Joe Biden, George Soros, Eric Holder, Maxine Waters. He even threw one in for Robert De Niro, because he just loved his performance in Dirty Grandpa.

Jim posted the envelopes and strolled home, a pep in his step.

However, the next day he checked the news.

Oh no! It looked like Jim’s gesture had been grossly misinterpreted by the mainstream media as a series of assassination attempts.

“No!” Jim screamed at his New York Times subscription. “It was just for plumbing! It was just for the pipes!!!!!! The pipes, I say, the pipes!!”

Jim is furious about the ingratitude displayed by his heroes. His Party asks constantly for campaign donations, yet when a loyal supporter like Jim followed through and gifted party figures samples of his finest steel pipe, he was promptly labelled a domestic terrorist. Talk about ungrateful!

Jim now intends to vote Republican down the ballot and for President Trump in 2020.

Broken Times: People Are Horrified Over Pipe Bombs, But When I Got a 5 On My Admin Mid-Sem, No-One Cared

The world is in shock today after several targets of far-right ire, including Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, George Soros, and Joe Biden, were sent pipe-bombs that failed to detonate.

Yep, everyone seems pretty upset. Bit hypocritical, don’t you think, that everyone is up in arms over these attempted assassinations, yet a few days ago when I revealed to the world that I got a 5 in my Admin mid-sem no one batted a fucking eyelid.

Is this really what the world has come to?

I understand that in these times of news overflow we cannot be expected to afford a detailed analysis to every event. Yet the media’s focus on the shocking actions of unknown domestic political terrorists in the US is one of the most potent examples of misguided sensationalist journalism that the world has ever been made to endure.

Yes, Barack Obama worked hard for 8 years as President. But I worked hard for 8 hours on my Admin take-home about merits or something. Are we seriously at a stage where the world can shed a tear for career public servants yet when a struggling student taking Admin in 5th year because he hadn’t got round to it yet is cruelly punished for not going to lectures or tutes, we simply turn our backs and walk away?

I have thick skin. But today, I am ashamed of our discourse. Also pretty ashamed of ‘dis course, being Admin. I deserved at least a low 6!

More to come.

'Jazz Is Dead,' Says Local Man Who Clearly Thinks It's Alive And Sexy

‘Jazz is dead.’

As soon as those asinine three words left the lips of local jazz-and-trilby enthusiast, Marcus DeRamsay (22), the circle of friends around him began a series of reactions that can only be described as a firm blend of disgust, pity, and frustration.

They hid their reactions well, however. But what wasn’t hidden well was Marcus’ clear belief that jazz was alive, sexy, erotic, and fun - despite the fact he claimed it was dead. After he uttered ‘...jazz is dead,’ he paused for effect, before suggesting ‘...but I want to get inside it. I want to know it. I want to be it.’

Marcus must be a genuine necrophiliac to claim something is dead and then proclaim to his twelve key brothers (the name he has for his friends) that he ‘wants to get inside it.’

Further undercutting Marcus’ claim was the fact he had a trumpet in his hands at that very moment, and his friends had begrudgingly gathered with him at a jazz bar, ‘Jazzity Jip Jop Jazz, Wickham Terrace,’ so he could perform at a jazz open mic.

Whilst his friends love supporting Marcus, and no-one can deny he is an eminently talented trumpet player, there is a certain desire amongst key stakeholders that Marcus would just let go of the incessant claim that ‘jazz is dead,’ when it seems he’s doing everything he can to keep it alive. And sexy.

Probably more to come, if The Obiter’s jazz editor has his way.

Chris Lilley Announces Misguided New Series ‘Jamal, Private School Girl’

Controversial Australian satirist, Chris Lilley, has made headlines today upon announcing his new comedy programme based on Jamal Khashoggi, ‘Jamal, Private School Girl.’

Whilst Lilley seems buoyant about the programme’s potential, many have pointed out that not only is the premise incredibly insensitive to Khashoggi and his family, it is also a little odd to be telling a cliched private-school story through the lens of a dissident Saudi journalist.

The show will be airing at 8.30pm, Wednesdays, on the ABC, and already the ABC Facebook page has been flooded with complaints. Having said that, many of those complaints to seem to have been by Saudi bots, with comments such as ‘jAmaL was a TRAI3TOR! How dare yo7, Australian Boardcasting Corporation!’ joining the ranks of boomer comments, such as ‘Sick! Waste of taxpayer money! That Lilley bloke is a flog!’

Further stoking the flames of controversy, Lilley has announced he will be playing Khashoggi in ‘racial makeup,’ and also cross-dressing as a woman to fulfil the ‘private school girl’ role.

At this point, it truly just seems like Lilley is trying to get himself in the most trouble he can.

In response to many of the criticisms levelled, Lilley suggested ‘...just let comedy be comedy and fun be fun, y’know? Why do we have to politicize everything, it’s a joke.’ This conveniently ignores the fact the very character he’s satirizing is inherently political, but hey, we didn’t write Summer Heights High (although that article we did about Matt Damon’s ‘A Star Is Bourne’ comes bloody close in the context of intellectual genius).

Regardless, we’ll probably be watching the show when it debuts. Good luck, Chris. We truly hope you aren’t assassinated.

Left-Handed Woman Informed That Friend Knows ‘Someone Else Who’s Left-Handed!’

Wow! In news sure to shock, amaze, and excite, a local student and left-hander extraordinaire, Bethany Johnson (19), has just been informed by her friend, Marcus Easterly (20), that he knows someone else who is left-handed.

Who would have believed it? Certainly not us here at The Obiter. What are the odds of two whole left-handed people being linked by a mutual friend? Our team of actuarial science students ran through the odds, and whilst we couldn’t be bothered to unpack their findings, the numbers are something like one in a bajillion.

Crazy!

But in super news, Marcus did more than merely inform Bethany he is aware of the existence of another left-hander. In act of sheer charity and goodwill, he even offered to introduce them to each other.

‘They would have so much to talk about,’ Marcus informed us. ‘Like using left-handed scissors, generally wishing to shake hands left-handed but being struck down by the traditional right-handed handshake system… and I think they both like Rick & Morty, so that could be good for a chat.’

‘The world’s their oyster! Their left-handed oyster!’ he screamed excitedly in the face of a new member of The Obiter subcommittee, who promptly quit in disgust. Thanks Marcus, it’s not like we weren’t super excited to have Kate Miller-Heidke working with us.

Little more to come.

Matt Damon Piggybacks Off Success Of Musical Blockbuster With ‘A Star Is Bourne’

Matt Damon has made a play for box office success by releasing another sequel to the Jason Bourne franchise. However, his attempt to modernise the spy saga has raised some eyebrows in Hollywood.

‘A Star Is Bourne’ tells the story of disgruntled agent Jason Bourne giving up his rogue exploits in favour of a music career.

Releasing hits such as ‘Bourne to be Bold’ and ‘I Love Cows’, the character becomes an instant country music sensation.

Critics have slammed the film, labelling it ‘a patently obvious attempt to steal attention away from Bradley Cooper’s directorial debut, ‘A Star Is Born.’’

‘The scene in which Bourne uses his gun to shoot a jukebox which then proceeds to play his hit single ‘Ain’t No Ultimatum For The Dirt’ is genuinely laughable,’ Empire wrote in their one-star review of the film.

The Guardian was even more scathing. ‘It’s hard to pick the worst moment of this trashy cash grab: is it when Bourne gets embroiled in a high-octane bull chase through the streets of Arizona that stretches 45 minutes or is it the major subplot wherein Bourne cannot decide what brand of spurs to purchase.

‘We are not exaggerating when we say that a good third of the film is dedicated to the spur shopping. It’s a disgrace.’

A Star Is Bourne is showing now in all good bookstores.

‘Aw Man, No Fair! You Get To Kill Journalists You Don’t Like?’ Says Trump To Mohammad Bin Salman

Poor Donald J. Trump. The President has had a tough few weeks, with controversy surrounding Kavanaugh’s nomination, and midterm election battles ensuring he hasn’t been able to sleep easy at night (although it may be the forty Diet Cokes coursing through his tired veins).

But things aren’t about to get any easier. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman has just informed Donald that he was partly responsible for the death of dissident journalist, Jamal Khashoggi. Far from harming relations between the two countries, it seems Trump’s biggest reaction to the news has been jealousy.

‘Aw man, no fair! I want to kill so many journalists. It’d be so fun. Just a bit of killing, bit of good times.’

‘Honestly, pretty fucked that you get to do it, and I don’t. Doesn’t seem very fair, Mr Salmon,’ said the 45th and current President of the free world.

Presumably Mr Trump is comparing the US and Saudi Arabia’s differing opinions on the freedom of journalists. At least in principle, the US believes journalists should be free to criticize public figures, with ruthless integrity central to their job. Saudi Arabia reportedly believes in the freedom of journalists to be murdered whenever it is so desired by criticized public figures. So in a sense, it’s a little more of a negative freedom/right, like the implied right to freedom of political communication.

Unfortunately, Trump is feeling like a real dingus that the Saudi leader gets all this cool shit, and he doesn’t. Apparently, Trump said to a key aide ‘...he even gets to wear that kick-ass tea towel on his head! Yeet!’

Truly, always a fascinating time to be part of The Obiter’s White House reporting team.