Online News Outlets To Begin Physically ‘Slamming’ People

At the 14th Annual Online News Association Conference, held in Hobart this week, the editors of Australia’s online news sites unanimously voted to begin physically slamming people they don’t agree with.

News websites regularly ‘slam’ people, organisations, or concepts that don’t align with polite society’s, or their organisation’s, point of view.  The most common targets of ‘slamming’ are US President Donald Trump, Karl Stefanovic, mid-level rugby league players, single mothers and schoolchildren.

Waleed Aly is widely regarded as the best at ‘slamming’ things which offend him.

In the struggle for ratings Australia’s news websites have decided to step this up again and physically slam detractors.

The body slam is a wrestling throw in which the opponent's body is lifted and brought down hard to the ground. The move has its origins in Taekwondo but was popularised by John Cena in the early 2000s.

The Obiter attended the conference and caught up with BuzzFeed Editor-In-Chief Paul Le Squire-Jones.

‘It’s a tough world out there mate,’ Mr Le Squire-Jones remarked as he rolled a perfect Champion Ruby.

‘I’ve got a newsroom full of idiots who really should have gone into commercial real estate and a readership coming down harder than Benny Cousins on a Monday. We slam people in print a fair bit in print and it always gets clicks, so this just seemed like a natural progression.’

‘With all this Opera House stuff we’re going to try and body slam Gladys Berejiklian when she gets out of the shower tomorrow. The pictures will be in the Friday paper.’

Bob Irwin Wonders What That Tongue Do, Girl

Bluetongue lizards are technically skinks. Bob Irwin has a kink for skink.

Did Kochie really die for this?

Pauline Hanson Proposes ‘R U OK To Be White?’ Day

Amateur politician and professional shit-stirrer, Senator Pauline Hanson, has today dipped her toes in the water of mental health, with a Senate proposal for the creation of an ‘R U OK To Be White?’ Day.

After her motion to denounce ‘anti-white racism,’ was defeated on the floor of the Senate, despite the best efforts of Matthias Corman’s genuine incompetence, Hanson has realised she perhaps need to be a little more subtle. Hence, ‘R U OK To Be White?’ Day.

The day will be held on the second Thursday of every November, and encourages Australians to turn to their fellow whites and ask if it is okay to be white. That should be a pretty easy task for The Obiter’s overwhelmingly vanilla editorial team, and if we’re being honest, most of Australia.

Hanson reportedly believes the new initiative will be a major step forward for mental health amongst young Australians. ‘Many are depressed because they don’t know it’s okay to be white,’ she stated.

‘The oppressiveness of greater career opportunities, avoiding regular discrimination, and living a pretty fortunate life hounds white people at every turn. As I always say, the pain of not having enough pain is still pain.’

When we asked if she truly ‘always’ says that, she seemed angry for a moment, and then calmed.

‘I can see you’re tense,’ she whispered to me. ‘I have but one question for you, Caucasian brother.’

‘R U OK To Be White?’

Yes, Pauline. Anti-white racism is about as realistic as Australia lasting 180 overs on a turning track in Abu Dhabi against a Pakistani attack that is as balanced as it is dangerous.

Scott Morrison Boldly Claims Catholic Primary Schools 'Actually Have The Power To Fire LGBT Prime Ministers'

In a somewhat surprising speech to the AAP this morning, Scott Morrison has suggested that religious schools, specifically Catholic primary schools, have powers greater than merely the ability to hire and fire teachers on the basis of sexual orientation.

‘Nah, the report says it’s legal. Under God’s law. The true law,’ said the Prime Minister, revealing his fundamental misunderstanding of the relationship between Commonwealth legislation and an omnipotent being of divinity.

Apparently, in the eyes of ScoMo, Catholic primary schools can fire anyone they choose if they dislike their sexual orientation - including the Prime Minister.

‘Yep, their powers are actually profoundly unrelated to the school itself. As a spiritual entity, religious schools have broad oversight over every single job in the land - including the most important one. Mine!’ said Morrison at the press conference.

‘Some might say it’s discriminatory to fire people on the basis of their sexual orientation. In response, I quote a Biblical passage: let he who is without sin fire the first Gay. A classic passage, everyone! Am I right?’

The slightly unhinged conference then took a turn for the truly bizarre, as Morrison continued to spew prejudicial vitriol whilst ‘I Don’t Know How To Love Him’ from Jesus Christ Superstar played over the loudspeakers, before John Farnham walked out to sing the song live.

We’re sure stranger things have happened recently. I watched Stranger Things Season 2 last night, and that was absolutely jam-packed with stranger things! But this one was pretty strange.

Probably more to come.

‘A Pocket Square Will Make Or Break My Night,’ Thinks Local Wanker

With the UQLS Law Dinner fast approaching, fifth-year student Marcus Johnson (22) is excited to enjoy a night of drinks, dancing, and taking advantage of a rare opportunity to wear black tie.

But for Marcus, the dress code is more than an opportunity for him to shine. It will lay the foundations for the element of his outfit that he is confident will knock people’s socks off (the socks, of course, being tastefully colorful). For Marcus has an ace up his sleeve.

Marcus has a pocket square. And by God, he is well and truly convinced a pocket square is the key line between looking his best, and being an ugly cretin.

‘GQ told me to do it,’ he said, when no-one asked.

‘I’m going to look so fucking dapper,’ he whispered to himself in the mirror when he thought no-one else was watching.

‘A black jacket without a pocket square? You’re fucking kidding yourself, you gutless coward,’ he muttered to a friend who unfortunately confessed he would simply be wearing a black tuxedo without a pocket square.

It doesn’t matter to Marcus that his suit is from Tarocash, hasn’t been dry-cleaned in two years, and has more beer stains than Brett Kavanaugh’s wank sock - if he wears a pocket square, he knows he will be the toast of the dinner.

Best of luck, Marcus. We have some doubts.

I Successfully Doubled My Net Worth By Voting In The UQU Elections & You Can Too!

Fuck the Barefoot Investor, I’ve just increased my wealth twofold after receiving the $5 voucher after donkey voting in the elections. Like many of you I woke up Sunday morning with a headache, a questionable bruise and $2.41 in my Youth Saver account. While some will see a problem, the successful will see an opportunity

Financial advisors aka ‘The Fun Police’ may describe my ‘habit’ of spending every last drop of my youth allowance on food and alcohol as reckless or irresponsible but I’m here to tell that they are plain wrong.

Let’s take a look.

Adjusted returns of funds indexed against the ASX over the past decade have given per annum returns of 5.7%. That’s great and all but I’m here to tell you how to generate a whopping 207% return in a day.

Simply purchase a 3-zone off peak student TransLink ticket for $2.41 and head to the UQ Lakes Bus Stop. From here make your way up past the Red Room to the Holt Room where you can vote (Authors Note: Some advisors advocate travelling to Chancellors Place however this increases the distance travelled through pesky student politicians).

If you are accosted about voting, simply smile and say ‘I’ve already voted’ (sneaky sneaky).

Wait for the sweet, sweet ‘Next please!’ from the voting clerk who looks very ready to end it all and there you have it, you’ve invested your pitiful $2.41 and generated a big strong fiver.*

Now, go forth into the world knowing that your financial future is on the up… As long as Mum is still good to pick you up.

*Not redeemable for cash and valid only at participating UQU outlets.

Student Politician Desperately Vying For Attention He Never Received As A Child

It’s that time of the year, the sun is shining, mid-semester exams are done, and hordes of prospective student politicians have descended on campus.

That’s right, if you want a burrito you’re going to have to fight your way past a gaggle of pasty virgins awkwardly trying to catch your attention like it’s the outdoor section of Ric’s Bar.

Our in-house demographers didn’t have a mid-semester break, they were hard at work determining answers to pressing issues. Such as: What deep-seated psychological trauma causes potentially likeable students into StuPol hacks?

Childhood neglect.

The research suggests that a lack of hugs and kisses as a child will causes entrenched insecurity in turn causing students to go to increasingly worrying lengths for validation. Even so far as to sell their souls and bodies to quasi political parties they hadn’t heard before this year. We caught up with Joseph Schneebly (27), a part time arts student, hoping to retain his position as Assistant Executive Vice President of Campus Culture, for his thoughts on the study.  

‘Vote 1 Schneebly,’ he bleated

‘It’s a good theory, except Dad FaceTimed at least once a week when I was little. I’m actually doing this to kickstart my political career, I want preselection in my home seat of Cooper before I’m 30.’

And if that doesn’t work out?

‘I’ll probably work for Dad’s vague import/export company… if her ever responds to my texts.’

Good luck Joseph, get a Hanaichi on campus and you’ve got my vote.

NSW Parliament Compromises On Opera House Advertising With Legislation To Put Opera Singers In Every Pokies Room

In response to community uproar over its decision to allow the advertisement of gambling products on the side of the Sydney Opera House, the NSW Parliament has announced it will also introduce a bill to put an opera singer into every pokies room in the state.

Spokesperson Andrew Shill noted the new policy came after someone in the government finally got around to reading last years Australian Gambling Statistics Report.

“In light of some fairly compelling numbers which show Australians actually have a hell of a gambling problem, we’ve decided that instead of saying ‘no’ to Alan Jones, we’ll just try to offset the effects of a massive marketing boost for a life-destroying habit by making the most popular gambling venues damn near unbearable to be in.”

If passed, the legislation would require an opera singer to be performing at any venue containing pokies machines for as long as a gambling commercial plays out on the side of Australia's most iconic architectural landmark.

The policy has received a mixed reception from the community.

“If the NSW arts community has to put up with Alan’s crap in our favourite venues it’s only fair that we get to annoy the shit out of his listeners in theirs," said participating opera singer Valentia Falstretto.

"It's also the most work I've ever had in my entire career.”

Others were not as pleased, with one avid pokies player calling the proposed scheme, “farkin’ bullshit, aye.”

At the time of writing, it appears the legislation will apply to every venue in the state not in the registered exclusion zone, which for totally innocent reasons just happens to include the exact lot boundaries of the Star Casino.

Vengeful Nick Cummins Glad Australia Now Knows How Shit It Is Not To Be Picked

The nation is reeling today after The Bachelor, and former Wallaby Nick Cummins, last night failed to choose either finalist as winner of Channel 10’s dating series.

While viewers were outraged, The Honey Badger revealed to The Obiter in an exclusive interview that the decision was premeditated as a means of showing Australia how much it sucks not to be picked for something you really want.

‘It was all part of a rinky dink plan to show this big brown land on the down south sitter of the globey globe what it’s like to be left alone like a hitchhiker with a prawn roll in the sun.’

Throughout his professional rugby career, Cummins was periodically dropped from the Wallabies side in favour of stronger players. The selection process had such profound psychological effects on the Badger that he developed a very long-term and arguably illogical solution to show Australia that it is truly tough to not be selected for something on national television.

Much like Cummins was often passed over for stronger, faster wingers who focused moreso on ball skills than coming up with hyper-Australian phrases to sell a personal brand, Brittany Hockley and Sophie Tieman were last night passed over in favour of… nothing? They simply acted as pawns in Cummins’ sort of weird, long revenge that wreaked havoc on twenty-six women who had nothing to do with his poor ball handling under pressure.

‘Sophie and Brit weren’t the real loose lipped losers last night,’ Cummins explained.

‘Michael Cheika was.’

More to come.

‘Nah, Happy Just To Eat The Food I Brought From Home,’ Says Liar

A bold-faced liar, a Judas in corporate casual, has today suggested he is ‘more than happy’ to simply eat the food he brought from home for lunch.

As if, tiger. Cold pasta with small flecks of pesto, and an optimistic, wilted piece of broccoli is no substitute for a juicy burger, a roast beef roll, or even a freshly tossed salad. The only tossed salad here is Brett Toohey (22), a paralegal at Robertson, Hewitt & Sons, & Their Sons’ Friends.

When Brett packed his lunch this morning, he did so with a smug grin, confident in the knowledge that he was saving a dollar or two, and keeping his figure slim and trim in the process. Deep down, he knew his lunch was an abject failure of culinary competence, but he elected to hide it from his friends.

‘You sure that’s all you’re going to eat today? There’s some cheap ramen at the Margaret Avenue Markets,’ said one of his buddies from the office, Karen Wells (24).

‘Nah, Karen. Whilst I do appreciate your concern, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that I am pretty stoked I’ve brought my own lunch today. Feel free to spend the money - I’d rather have the dough sitting in my bank account than in my stomach.’

Skipping away with his meal, with eight beautiful dollars saved, Brett found it within himself to afford a smile.

‘Yeet,’ he whispered to himself.

What a man.