UQ Law Nerd Loving This Feeling Of Being Invited To Events

The UQLS election period has delivered a world-first for absolute fucking law dork Eamon McDickgoob (we’ve written like 10 articles over 2 days guys, maybe just let this one slide yeah? Thanking you).

As candidates for all manner of Management Committee positions completely molest the notifications tab with invites to their Facebook events, many students expressed outrage at the spam.

Not Eamon McDickityDickgub.

Eamon, being the unadulterated fuckburger of a bloke that he is, does not ever receive invitations to Facebook events. If he were to be invited to a party or pre-drinks, he’d just drink pineapple juice and dribble on his stupid brown shorts. Seriously guys, if you’re not laughing you’re not working hard enough to conjure up the image of the gimpiest dickvein in your cohort absolutely slurping up pineapple juice, no alcohol just the juice, and inhaling it with such ferocity that he is going full Poseidon on his dumb dick and stupid fucking pants. I am actually enraged just thinking about him holy fuck.

So what was this about? Oh yeah, he’s invited to Facebook events this week because people are campaigning for the AGM so he is having the feeling of what it’s like to actually have friends. Got it? Good.

There you go. We only wrote this one to space out the Omar articles because we have sooooo many of them. More to comar.

Sean Tran Pledges to Expand Notepool, Even If It Takes Violent Force

UQLS Presidential nominee Sean Tran has today presented one of his first campaign pledges, promising to expand the services and quality of Notepool, even if he has to commit murder to do so.

While Tran did not explicitly state an intention to use violent force, the substance of his speech and his established reputation as a Bjelke-Peterson-esque curb-stomping megalomaniac show a man who is not afraid to get dirty politically.

Tran, who allegedly asks to be called Sean X behind closed doors, read the following in a prepared statement:

“I pledge to increase younger students’ awareness of Notepool and make it a more comprehensive study tool – and I will bring this vision into existence by any means necessary” (emphasis added).

The announcement follows leaks from within the Tran camp of plans to fast track the introduction of a heavily armed UQLS militia to consolidate his grip on the Walter Harrison Law Library. The militia’s purpose was recorded in the minutes of a September meeting as “to oppose, with force, the enemies of diversity, wellbeing and socials, in any form in which they come.”

(Law) Society truly is fucked.

More to come.

'Bet No One Even Organised A Breakfast For Them,' Sighs Martin Doyle Reading News Of Slaughter Of Kurdish Fighters

Presidential Candidate Martin Doyle, who served as the Vice-President of Diversity & Wellbeing this year, has been praised for establishing the UQLS’s first Reconciliation Breakfast. 

However, campaign aides are growing concerned that Mr Doyle’s great work in raising law school awareness of Indigenous issues has somewhat skewed his grasp on what made the event groundbreaking. 

‘I think Martin genuinely believes the Reconciliation event only worked because it was a breakfast,’ one aide revealed to The Obiter. 

‘I suggested we do a lunch for further awareness and he called me an idiot and said a lunch will never work. It must be breakfast.’ 

According to campaign insiders, Mr Doyle intends to use his presidential powers to host a breakfast for any issue he thinks needs addressing. 

‘He’s already budgeted for an Equal Pay Breakfast, a Drought Breakfast, a Breakfast disavowing the Dr Doolittle remake (serving ‘it was good the first time’ crepes), and a hummus breakfast, which we have no further info on and can only assume he just like hummus.’

‘It’s too much.’

Mr Doyle has even become deenergised on the campaign trail just looking at causes around the globe where he feels he could’ve made a difference if he only had the time to throw together a 6:45am booking at a venue close to the city with danishes and pulp-free orange juice. 

‘I bet no one organised a breakfast for them,’ Martin sighed, as he tossed down his morning paper in disgust after reading about the attacks on Kurdish fighters in Syria by an advancing Turkey. 

‘All it would’ve taken was a chipolata. Is that too much to ask?’

Whilst senior political advisers have suggested that all the yummy hash browns in the world wouldn’t have solved the Troubles in Northern Ireland, nor would they have had much impact in the Rwandan genocide, it seems this bright young candidate is destined to disagree.

And will that destiny carry him to the top job? Time will tell.

In an ironic twist, many of the Kurdish fighters reportedly feeling a little peckish before their untimely death. How rough.

More to come.

‘More Words, You Fools!’ Furious Sean Tran Screams At Staffers Writing His Next Facebook Post

UQLS Presidential Candidate Sean Tran has reportedly exploded at his post-writing staff this afternoon.  

Aides, who wished to remain anonymous for fears of internal punishment, revealed to The Obiter that Mr Tran’s outburst came after staffers returned a draft for his next post in the Facebook event.

Upon realising that the post clocked in at a measly 3200 words, Mr Tran picked up the staffer’s laptop and hurled it into the wall of his headquarters.

‘He went full Social Network,’ one witness confirmed.

‘What the FUCK am I supposed to do with this?’ Mr Tran bellowed in the young aide’s face.

‘Is this the trivia question for a fucking Fantail? It needs to be at least… three times longer than this!’

‘And where are the fucking emojis?!?! Dot points are for Martin!!’

According to those present, the presidential candidate berated the staff for the better part of 45 minutes before sitting down to smash out eight more posts himself.

‘This Tales of the Beedle and the Bard bullshit has got to go,’ Tran spat while typing furiously. ‘This is Harry Potter 5 bro. Long and boring. If you want to write comics go work for Omar,’

More to come.

Martin Doyle Pledges To Champion Nineteen-Pillar Evolution Commitment Built On Foundation Of Mega-Advocacy

UQLS Presidential candidate Martin Doyle has delivered a policy proposal that has left law students wanting more. Namely, more of an explanation.

‘As President,’ Doyle announced on the Forgan Smith stairs to passers-by and an ibis, ‘I will commit to you today to deliver and foster a commitment to the championing of a commitment to install and deliver a nineteen-pillar evolution commitment that I commit will be built and based on a solid foundation of mega-advocacy.’

 ‘That is my commitment to you.’

 The announcement comes as the three-way race for UQLS President tightens ahead of Wednesday’s AGM. Regardless, Mr Doyle says he has not been panicked by the pressure of the campaign.

‘I believe I am the candidate with clear, straightforward, concise, specific, precise, unblemished, succinct, pithy, digestible, not-beat-around-the-bushy policies that can take this society forward, ahead and into tomorrow and the future.’

Each of Mr Doyle’s nineteen commitment-advocacy-evolution pillars is said to contain a further breakdown into forty-one sub-pillars, each with a tangential mini-branch to further explain the function of the overall evolutionary framework.  

At press time, the Doyle Campaign were preparing announce a further policy to endorse scrapping word limits on assignments.

 More to come.

‘Wait Who The Fuck Do I Vote For,’ Says White Man In UQLS Election

Bradley Smythe is currently in a state of paralysing indecision as he stares deeply into the list of UQLS presidential candidates.

‘Surely there’s another one one here somewhere, maybe it’s in invisible ink’ muttered Brad as he reached for his blue light.

A lot of white men are currently scratching their head in the Walter Harrison as they answer the eternal question - Which vote will make me look the most woke?

‘Obama made it easy, he was running against a crusty old white man’ complained Cooper Walsh-Tuttle. The Mallesons paralegal was uniquely stressed looking at the options, muttering to himself, ‘there’s not even a white woman here who I can easily identify with.’

‘Oh that’s right, they installed a massive glass ceiling when they did the refurb,’ he remembered.

The three male candidates do not offer any further clarification on who this man should vote for in order to avoid cancellation. ‘All three of these men are diverse… but who’s, like, the most diverse? Like, the least white? I’m fucking struggling here.’

At the end of the day, by voting for one candidate you’re tearing down two others. You know what that makes you mate? A racist.

Plenty more campaign news to come.

‘My Spotify Playlist Has Nineteen Followers,’ Says Local Woman Convinced She’s An Influencer

It’s not every day you see someone realise their dreams. And for aspiring influencer and Tourism Management student Sara Walker (24), today was the day a dream was realised.

‘I mean, music is my passion, so it’s hardly surprising, but wow. What a rush. Nineteen whole followers!’ yelled the Brisbane local to no-one in particular. You see, Sara was busy celebrating her recent realisation that her Spotify playlist, ‘~T U N E S~,’ currently has nineteen followers.

What are the odds?!

For the mildly popular Sara, she’d always dreamed of cracking 300+ likes on Instagram, or having a very successful comment on a Pedestrian.tv, but the lofty heights of a couple of followers on a Spotify playlist had always seemed out of reach.

Yet the carefully curated selection of 119 songs, dominated by modern artists such as Chance The Rapper, The Lumineers, Mac DeMarco, but with enough vintage flavour provided by Australian Crawl and Queen, is set to catapult this gutsy young woman into international superstardom.

Sara began to urgently call every one of her close friends, sharing the thrilling news that nineteen individual people had taken it upon themselves, with no apparent blackmail, to care about what she listened to.

‘Kristie!? Kristie, are you there?!’ bellowed Sara into her iPhone 6S, ready to inform her best friend Kristie Simpson (25) that she can pack up your bags, because she’s famous enough to move to Milan. Or something.

‘Hey, yep Sara, what’s going on? I’m just at work,’ responded the beleaguered Kristie, whose own Spotify account is one she still shares with her parents, hence the excessive amount of Johnny Cash and John Denver recommendations.

‘Nineteen followers, motherfucker! I’m cunting famous,’ Sara calmly stated, with her use of profanity only necessary cause the author of this article got bored and this made him chuckle a bit.

At print time, Sara is still informing a number of her friends about her newfound fame and fortune, and promising it won’t go to her head. We’re not too worried.

No more to chum.

‘Classic Rock Aficionado’ Revealed To Be Bloke That Just Likes A Bit Of ‘Khe Sanh’

A self-professed ‘classic rock aficionado’ has been embarrassingly outed as a man who, whilst never having heard of Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, or ‘Dire Straights,’ as he spells it, is definitely a bloke who gets around a bit of ‘Khe Sanh’ after a couple of Great Northerns.

Ejembi Eko (22), a Commerce/Law fifth-year and Bumble addict, likes to talk up his classic rock credentials as much as he discusses that one time Quade Cooper told him ‘chicks dig boat shoes.’ 

But after a pretty shocking performance at his mate Bryce’s pres, that involved Jimmy Barnes literally walking up to him and slapping him hard on the ass whilst Ejembi did not recognise him, it’s begun to dawn on a few of Ejembi’s mates that the self-professed ‘music guy’ of the group really shouldn’t be professing that, in any way, shape or form.

The rumours of Ejembi being a music guy started after a number of weekends where he showed a rare sixth sense in predicting exactly when a second-rate RSL covers band would turn to the tried, tested, delicious sound of Cold Chisel’s ‘Khe Sanh.’ 

And there’s certainly an argument that a blind eye was turned to Ejembi’s complete ignorance of any other Cold Chisel song, such as the poignant ‘Flame Trees,’ or the bass-heavy ‘Come On Eileen,’ but regardless, once a reputation grows, it is hard to tear down.

Yet the Iron Curtain that has been fostered around this young man is beginning to slip, as the Berlin Wall of ‘give Ejembi the UE Boom, he’s got all the best playlists’ is knocked down by harsh realisations.

To put it bluntly, this bloke is pretty fucking basic. Time for a Tooheys New and a mild disrespect toward female authority figures, tiger.

No more to come on this brilliant, subtle piece of satire that both entertains and informs.

Nazis Sick And Tired Of Being Compared To Student Politicians

Enough is enough. 

That is according to the remaining members of the Nazi Party, who are, frankly, ‘sick and tired of being compared to student politicians.’

In recent days, after student politicians engaged in a level of scheming and plotting that definitely indicates they have massive penises, the Nazi Party have had to come and say the line has been crossed. 

Numerous posts have compared the views and actions of many student politicians as akin to the Nazis. This, the Nazis say, is completely unwarranted.

‘We understand that some people have genuine grievances with our party,’ said Hansel Egort, current Officer for Camp Culture with the Nazis. 

‘But you completely undermine any credible arguments when you make hysterical and outlandish comparisons between the Nazis and student politicians.’

‘Grow up.’

Many Nazis have pointed to their past actions to prove that they have never done anything close to the atrocities committed by the deranged virgins to whom they’ve been tied. 

‘I couldn’t name a single Nazi who would run and cry to the German Returning Officer when they didn’t get their way,’ Hans revealed. 

Nazis have taken to social media to try and reiterate that, while they’ve done some shit stuff, they definitely wouldn’t run around a university acting like a bunch of fucking losers just to advance their own prospects of advancement in the open plan setting of a dilapidated electoral office in the outer suburbs of Brisbane. 

‘The Nazis were better than that.’ 

More to come.

Study Reveals Metal Straws Much Harder For Turtles To Digest Than Plastic Ones

Suck on that Greta Thunberg.

Environmental activists everywhere have been taken by surprise to learn that their beloved metal straws are actually one of the most damaging things for turtles to chow down on, second only Coles re-usable shopping bags. The CSIRO report concluded that despite their aesthetic appeal, these little metal weapons do an even better job at getting stuck up turtle’s nostrils than straws of the plastic variety.

The report also advised that they’re pretty fucking pointless anyway considering that you could just drink fluids with your mouth…or with your shoe if you’re that guy.

Local loggerhead sea turtle, Lachlan, spoke with the Obiter today upon finding himself washed up on Nudgee Beach.

“I am just grateful that the scientific community have finally woken up to our plight. At least plastic straws tasted good. Metal straws just taste like Mint Patties.”

Turtles everywhere have rioting en masse at this deliberate attempt by the loony left to kill off what little is left of their species.

More to come.