‘Get A Load Of This Crazy Chick!’ Says Girl Uploading Insta Story Of Mum Singing Along To ‘ABBA’

A local mother has been outed as an ‘absolutely crazy chick’ on Mother’s Day today, as her daughter’s Instagram story has become rapidly populated with video of her doing all sorts of ‘insane antics,’ like enjoying a glass of wine, lip-syncing to a song from her youth, or God forbid, dancing to a song from her youth while enjoying a glass of wine.

What an absolutely bonkers character!

Karen Green (49), a hard-working, fun-loving mother of three, is by all accounts, a fairly normal working professional with a penchant for Tempranillo and ABBA’s Greatest Hits. Like most women her age, she enjoys conversation with her friends and quality time with her family - and her dog, Buster!

But this normal woman has been revealed to be a different creature entirely today, on Mother’s Day, of all days. Much like Clark Kent was revealed to be Superman in seemingly literally every Superman movie made, Karen’s alter-ego of ‘Crazy Cool Chick Mum’ has been unceremoniously put on display this morning, in a series of Instagram stories which show the heightened depravity and debauchery in which this mother engages.

Sarah Green, Karen’s 22-year-old daughter who calls her Mum her ‘best friend,’ took the opportunity afforded by Mother’s Day celebrations to show the world just how fucking batshit her Mum can be.

The footage is breathtaking. In a clip dated 23 May 2018, the viewer can clearly see Karen, with a glass of champagne in hand, loudly talking to one of her friends before singing along to a lyric from Cyndi Lauper’s classic ‘Time After Time.’ 

And the Bacchanalian excess doesn’t stop there.

In another video, the ‘absolutely batshit crazy’ mother is revealed to be having a G&T at 1pm after running a half-marathon. As this deranged individual sits there in her activewear, cradling the alcohol as if it was her own child, her daughter is there to chronicle the whole escapade. And one can clearly hear the dialogue, spoken at 1.48pm, in which Karen asks if ‘anyone wants another?’

It is horrifying to see these images. No child should be exposed to such zany antics.

Or maybe as a society we should just agree to love our mothers, instead of posting fourteen Instagram stories about them which simply serve to highlight how incredibly, beautifully normal they are.

Your Mum isn’t crazy because she loves a couple of drinks, and loves to dance to the songs of her youth. That’s what makes her human, you fucking lunatic.

No more to come.

Guy With 5.8 GPA Describes It As ‘Bradmanesque’

A local student has today shocked his close friends and colleague, by unveiling his GPA he describes as ‘Bradmanesque.’ Typically, the ‘Bradmanesque’ moniker refers to a number that is shockingly good, and far above and beyond the average of any rival or competitor.

However, for Chris McGee (22), he seems to have missed this point entirely, forgetting that his 5.8 GPA, whilst pretty good and a testament to his hard work, is not quite on par with Donald Bradman averaging 99.94 in Test cricket, when the nearest rival is averaging 60-odd.

‘Yeah, to be honest, I thought he meant it was going to be like 6.9 or something, like the sex number,’ stated Donald Price, a close friend of Chris’ and a man who was firmly ready to believe in his friend’s freakish success before the actual number was revealed.

Metaphorically raising the bat, the issue of Chris’ GPA arose this morning in a daily Zoom call with his close buddies, a group chat with a Hamilton-inspired name. As he tuned into ‘The Zoom Where It Happens,’ the fellas were calmly discussing whether the university would alter their marking scheme in response to the pandemic. Without batting an eyelid, Chris simply informed the patrons of the Zoom call that it ‘wouldn’t be a problem for him,’ because he is ‘literally the Don of BAFE.’

Wiping spilt Mountain Dew off his BAFE hoodie, Chris was greeted with some fairly blank reactions from his friends.

‘It’s Bradmanesque,’ he insisted, to stunned silence.

‘Fuck you guys, anyway!’ he screamed, before stumbling out to the kitchen to make himself a ‘rise and grind’ breakfast, consisting of one egg white, one black coffee, a cigarette, a handjob, and a whole bottle of Hollandaise sauce.

As he cracked open his laptop and logged onto BlackBoard, in much the same way that Bradman used to stride to the crease at the SCG, Chris prepared to ‘get into the zone’ required to achieve a high 5 or a low 6.

‘Let’s do this,’ he muttered, a trickle of saliva rolling down the side of his mouth and into his computer keyboard, electrifying the contents of his MacBook Air and promptly killing him.

No more to come.

Andy Serkis to Star in Live Action Adaptation of Clifford the Big Red Dog

Warner Brothers studios today announced that their upcoming adaptation of Clifford the Big Red Dog will star Andy Serkis and be directed by Christopher Nolan.

While cast and crew remain tight-lipped about the script, Nolan says the story will capture the “sheer terror” of a towering crimson canine bearing down on packs of children. Nolan also said the film will explore the non-linear nature of time.

In a teaser for fans, Serkis posted a short video of himself rehearsing the role to his Instagram. The video, which sees Serkis trudging on all fours, crushing a Lego model of New York City beneath his “paws” and growling menacingly, has been liked over 128 million times.

Warner Bros’ announcement comes after a lengthy bidding war with Marvel studios, who sought to include the loveable mutt in Avengers: Infinity War. While the exact figure is not known, the price of the film rights was rumoured to be in the region of $90 million.

A small price to pay for the cinema dynamo that is Clifford.

Viral Challenge: 10 Albums That Didn’t Influence Us At All

1. Dirty Dancing (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)

Really enjoyed the movie but never particularly listened to the soundtrack. Couple of hits on there, we’re sure, but it’s difficult to see how it remotely influenced our taste in music, or life, in any way.

2. To Pimp A Butterfly

A controversial one here. King Kunta was good but have never listened to it otherwise. Just not a fan of rap, it’s a bit too uncultured. ‘I went to the shop/I shop ‘till I drop/Buying fruit and veg/For my mate Greg.’ Yeah, good lyrics, King Kenny, try again.

3. My mate’s debut EP

Yeah, whilst I told him it was good and he deserved a round of applause for the effort in recording it, this had absolutely zero bearing on my life. Like, the songs are fine, but I’ve never been a natural fan of lo-fi bedroom indie pop, and the fact a guy I went to school with is making it doesn’t change my mind. Zero impact on my life whatsoever.

4. The Fabulous Johnny Cash

Never listened to it, hard to see how it affected my life.

5. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Thought this was going to be The Wizard Of Oz soundtrack, but somehow, it wasn’t at all. I don’t know who let their candle in the wind, but that’s a pretty surefire way of it being snuffed out. Try again. Couldn’t have had less impact on my life.

6. Some experimental spoken-word album

This came to me in a dream and I hated it. Couldn’t even remember the name of it.

7. Flower Boy

I thought this was going to be a sensitive, raw look at Toowoomba’s flower festival, and a raw examination of life in rural Queensland. Alas, it was more rap. ‘Tyler the Creator.’ Stupid name. There’s only one Creator. The Lord.

8. Unknown Pleasures

It’s not that Joy Division are bad per se, I’ve just never heard a song that isn’t Love Will Tear Us Apart. And that’s not even on this album. No impact whatsoever.

9. Salad Days

My ex-girlfriend told me this will ‘change your life.’ The only thing it changed was my opinion of her. Mediocre lo-fi trash. This Canadian buys one tremolo pedal and a Stratocaster and reckons he’s the next Leonard Cohen or some shit. Complete lack of impact.

10. The Ultimate Dinner Party Album

Mum had this in her CD collection growing up, but I always thought it sucked. Never listened to it either. Physically impossible for this collection of tunes to have an influence or impact on my life.

‘I Care About Privacy!’ Says Man Posting On Phone That Already Listens To His Every Word

‘I’m a self-identified privacy crusader,’ said an insufferably dull man to his friends this morning, repeating a phrase heard across Australia as the government rolls out its COVIDSafe app. Whilst the application has raised legitimate concerns about balancing the need to protect privacy with the overwhelming desire of the country to beat the COVID-19 pandemic, many Australians have utilised it to virtue-signal their own opposition to ‘anyone having’ their data.

This is despite the fact the technology they use every day already knows literally everything about them.

Tech giants Google, Facebook, and Apple, have built an entire industry about being aware of what their users talk about, what their users search, eat, do, and say, all under the umbrella of ‘being useful apps.’

And for the majority of blissfully unaware Australians, they have been content for that to simply tick away in the background. But Dave Gruhsole (26) is different. He cares. He cares about privacy. And when we put the question to him, he showed just how much he cares.

‘Oh, Google having my data? I don’t really care to be honest,’ said Dave in a stunning admission that we never expected him to be so upfront about.

Whilst tweeting his rage at the Prime Minister, Dave looked up briefly to continually engage in the interview, conducted in his leafy Queenslander with about seven different smart appliances.

Apparently unfazed that multinational tech companies can literally record his face every time he opens his fridge, Dave has taken a proud, principled stand against the COVIDSafe app.

‘Not in a million years would I trust the government,’ he reckons, having less faith in elected representatives than he does in scheming multinational corporations driven solely by profit.

And when asked whether he would sacrifice some of his legitimate concerns in return to ending the suffering of the pandemic, he simply scoffed, and replied ‘...doesn’t effect me mate. I finally have the time to write my novel!’

Our interview team left before he could describe the novel, but from the snippets our recording equipment caught, it appears it will be the fictional memoirs of a 26-year-old man named Dave who inexplicably has sex with Kim Cattrall after meeting her in Coober Pedy in the middle of a dust storm.

To be honest, we’re definitely going to read it.

No more to come, in any way shape or form.

‘We’re Just Like the ANZACs!’ Says Bloke Going Through About As Much Hardship as Ellen

As we commemorate the greatest sacrifice and heroism in our nation’s history on ANZAC Day tomorrow, let us not forget David Brooks’ (21) great courage as he prepares to stay at home and wank at least seven times.

‘I sort of get what they went through now,’ he thought to himself, licking off Dorito flavouring from his fingers while flailing over the couch.

The ANZACs may have fought with unparalleled courage, but David had to go outside to buy a bottle of milk from Coles last week.

The ANZACs may have fought to protect our freedom, but David heart reacted the UQU’s post in StalkerSpace about ProctorU.

The ANZACss may have fought with undaunted perseverance and selflessness, but David only went up to the Sunny Coast for like a couple of hours this year.

The ANZACss may have paid the ultimate sacrifice, but David hasn’t been able to go to The Regatta for a month.

‘This is literally like WW3 for me,’ he concluded. Yeah not quite, mate.

No more to come.

COVID-19 Vaccine Announced: Rugby Fucking League’s Coming Back, Baby

The cure for these dark times has been successfully sourced, and it’s been lurking under our noses this entire time. COVID-19 has been a notoriously difficult virus to develop a vaccine for, not least because of the social and cultural malaise which has inevitably accompanied the arrival of the physical symptoms of the virus.

But fear no more, Australia. The cure was inside us all along. It wasn’t some boffins in a lab, testing microbial infections on anti-controlled pathogens, or whatever is those lab-coat nerds do literally all day long without even texting girls.

The cure for COVID-19?

Well, it’s arriving on 28 May.

And it’s physical, it’s aggressive, and it’s got a hell of a lot of Jason Taumalolo.

Rugby league is coming back. Rugby fucking league is coming back, baby.

Excited? So are we. We’ve been literally bouncing off the walls ever since the news was announced. And for all the naysayers who called the NRL ‘literally deranged’ for just deciding to plow ahead with announcing a date for the return of the premier footballing competition in this country, they’ll be eating their words with a side of humble pie, washed down with a long tall drink of Mitchell Moses’ sweat.

All our favourite characters are coming back - a sweaty Phil Gould looking horrified at the state of the modern game whilst doing absolutely nothing to fix it, local bartenders worried about how their glasses are going to be used in post-match celebrations, and of course, everyone’s favourite feature of a new NRL season: concussions!

Whilst isolation and the threat of a global pandemic made real is horrifying, we can all soon take solace in the brilliance of a Patrick Carrigan charge through the middle third, or the lightning footwork of a Jared Warea-Hargreaves. And there’s never been a better time to become criminally obsessed with ‘the footy,’ as there is quite literally nothing else to do!

While Rugby Australia shits the bed because a bunch of private-school Old Boys wrote a letter to the Principal that made the school captain resign, the NRL is happy to ramble on, shedding the weight of bald nerds like Todd Greenberg in favour of cool legends like Peter V’Landys.

We are so excited, that our families are growing concerned.

So much more to come.

Report: April Going By Alarmingly Quickly

After a March that seemed to drag out for decades, the wizards who decide our perception of space and time have slung us an absolute curveball this month, by ensuring that April has moved by faster than a Brett Lee sandshoe crusher.

‘It’s the fucking 22nd already?’ muttered literally everyone this morning, checking the present date on their calendar of choice, whether that be on their laptop, phone, or an ironic ‘The Big Bang Theory’ day-at-a-time calendar, which is sure to get all their mates laughing with reckless abandon.

Theories have abounded as to this month’s relative pace, from the ‘there’s no such thing as a month going quicker’ from your boring accountant mate, to ‘Mercury is in transmissive retrograde,’ or something.

But at the heart of this issue is a simple truth.

We’re adjusting.

We’re growing stronger, faster, fitter, and better at adjusting to life without the footy. But we won’t have to wait for much longer, because the NRL is back on May 28.

And we can barely begin to imagine just how good it’s going to feel to have the boys back on the box.

No more to come.

‘Thank Fuck For ProctorU,’ Sighs UQ Union

‘Everyone was giving heat for us not representing the interests of a student facing expulsion,’ sighed the Deputy Vice-Presidential spokesman. ‘But what a relief we got 2000 signatures on some boring petition about privacy.’

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Reports indicate that audible sighs and moans of relief could be heard from the UQ Union office last week, as they realised they could distract everyone from their cowardice regarding Drew with a spirited, half-baked petition on these ‘student privacy’ shenanigans.

‘Honestly, UQ have done us of one of the all-time greatest solids in committing to this ProctorU shit,’ stated the Deputy Vice-Presidential spokesman, a graduate of King’s College and a ‘legend at sinking bulk piss in the Red Room,’ according to his deranged LinkedIn profile.

‘We were starting to worry we may actually have to say something of substance with respect to a student being expelled for exercising his free speech, but no dramas. Some random petition about privacy should be all the advocacy we need for the year!’ he clarified.

The UQ Union have today remained strong in their steadfast commitment to the second limb of their stated goals, ‘not representing students and being fucking useless.’

Whilst the half-assed campaign to prevent ProctorU probing student’s privacy may have failed, the weak statements of criticism have been a resounding victory for those most concerned with the Union’s core mission: not representing students in actual issues that matter.

Like expulsion!

As the Union throws up their hands four days after they began advocacy against ProctorU’s invasive approach to examinations, claiming they ‘tried literally everything,’ it’s clear that these representatives are actually succeeding in representing the majority of students. As the vast majority of UQ students are simply too jaded or cynical to care about anything, an elected body of student representatives that are either too lazy or too bitter to comment on the one UQ issue making international news in literal decades actually makes perfect sense.

‘Oh, I can’t comment on the Pavlou matter,’ stated the Deputy Vice-Presidential President For Campus Culture And Eating The Lake Water, whilst also cracking open Facebook and liking every single anti-Drew article.

‘It would be rude of me to make any comment whatsoever on his cult of personality,’ he finished, smugly chuckling to himself at his incredibly deceptive choice of words.

What an intellectual powerhouse!

More to come.

UQ Union Finally Kicked Into Gear by Sexy Satire Writers

Australia’s largest “student union” has today shown signs of life for the first time in months, after being lightly prodded by a group of uncomfortably sexy satire writers.

The hacks awoke from their slumber to oppose UQ’s mandate for students to install spyware on their personal computers under the pretence of invigilation.

The union, which was “deeply disturbed” by the policy, leapt to issue a statement of condemnation and opposition, just a day after refusing to comment on a celebrity student being controversially expelled. Because unions are unable to discuss or represent their constituents in disciplinary matters, of course. Unions are for making pancakes. Makes perfect sense mate.

The move comes as somewhat of an about-face for the union, which up to this point has effectively been run like the HR department of the university itself.

The only explanation for the union’s sudden shift to adversarial, student-focused governance? The sly but undeniably sensual guile of this writer has made the UQU dripping wet for student representation.

No need to be embarrassed UQU, I have this effect on a lot of people.

And the response from this lothario? Good job! More of this please!

May my voracious sexuality be a beacon of light to you all in this uncertain time.

No more to come.