First Year Student Suffers Heatstroke While Attempting To Use UQ Maps

In an effort to find the ever elusive (and definitely haunted) Hartley Teakle building, a local 3rd year student has begrudgingly downloaded UQ maps for the first time this morning.

But much to her dismay, the app seems to be possessed with the spirits of the building; guiding her away. 

“Where the hell is room X Æ A-Xii?,” asked Bella in an interview with the Obiter.

The Obiter cannot confirm whether this is the name of Elon Musk and Grimes’ first child, or a room located in the UQ dungeons. 

Another student has been reported to have passed out from heat exhaustion after traversing the campus using UQ maps.

Sources say a crane will need to be used to pick up the student, given he fell onto his massive backpack and can’t roll himself over.

Stay safe out there.

Ex-Partner in Your Seminar? A How-to Guide

We’ve all been there – you’ve just started listening to ‘Stick Season’ by Noah Kahan without turning into an emotional wreck when BAM, you walk into your first seminar for the semester and are greeted by the very person you swore to never see again… your ex-partner. 

How do you approach this awkward and painful scenario? Here are a few general tips and tricks to help you along the way….

1) Do not sit near them. If you sit near them, they will attempt to talk to you, and that freshly healed wound will rip right open again. Do not sit in their general proximity either, as they’ll attempt to speak just loud enough for you to hear all about their skiing holiday in Japan which you were meant to go on. 

2) When the seminar break commences, get out of that room as fast as you can. Go to the bathroom and count down the minutes. If your former partner is the same sex as you, it is recommended you lock yourself in a cubicle just to be safe. DO NOT re-enter the seminar room until the break is over. Your ex-partner will be watching the door like a hawk, waiting for an opportunity to pounce. Don’t give them the satisfaction - wait until the break is over to re-enter the room. 

3) Now we must prepare for the worst. There’s a small chance they will approach you after the seminar and introduce you to their new partner. You can avoid this by sitting next to the door and exiting as soon as the seminar leader goes to say ‘thanks for attending’.

If you get trapped near the front, this encounter could go one of two ways. The new partner will either be twice the person you were and, yep you guessed it, you’ll be crying to ‘Stick Season’ on the bus ride home; or you’ll discover your former partner settled for the first person they met on Hinge, and you’ll happily be singing ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’ by Michael Buble on the bus ride home.

UQLS Book Club Discusses ‘Shane Warne Autobiography’ To Stick To Suri Cup Theme

Sunday 3rd March sees a clash of the two biggest UQLS events on the calendar - the launch of the UQLS Book Club and the Suri Cup. 

The Obiter can reveal this has left exactly two people who fall into the category of both cricket and novel lovers, in a complete pickle. 

Thankfully, in a clever attempt to cater to this audience and stick to the theme of the Suri cup, the UQLS Book Club has just announced this week’s meeting will focus on a discussion of the ‘Shane Warne Autobiography’. 

If they have enough time, the meeting will also discuss ‘The Complete Matthew Hayden Cookbook’ and ‘Howzat: the history of cricket jargon’. One member of the Book Club event suggested the group reads Adam Gilchrist’s autobiography ‘Walking To Victory’ in an attempt inspire the book club’s athletic capabilities.

The organisers of the Suri Cup have responded to this clash by innovatively replacing ‘tea time’ to ‘reading time’, a chance for the players to have 10 minutes of ‘quiet individual reading time’ during the match. 

If the clash of these two events are successful, the UQLS is looking to organise more event ‘collaborations’. 

One idea was hosting the social touch footy grand final at the venue of the law ball in an attempt to garner a greater audience. 

There are also talks of hosting four-hour-long networking drinks at the first years camp to gently ease the first years into the legal industry. 

More to come this Sunday. 

Law Cricket Captain Athanasellis Discovered To Be Direct Descendant Of Zeus

Natural leader, good looks, and sporty? Must be his genetics.

Following a shock DNA test, Dan Athanasellis, Law Cricket Captain 2024, has been discovered to be a direct descendant of Zeus "The Olympian" Athanasellis, famed captain of the Spartan Olympic team at the 260BC Olympics (not to be confused with Zeus, the Olympian God). 

Indeed, as the first son of a first son, stretching back to Zeus himself, is it any wonder that Athanasellis is at home facing down his foe, bat in hand? Known to reduce fastbowlers to tears with his electric bat, Athanasellis seems the perfect fit for the captaincy. 

Due to his hatred of the Lawbry and attending class in general, tracking the man down for an interview proved challenging. However, the Obiter was finally able to locate Athanasellis at Souvlaki Hut Nundah, near his local cricket nets.

"OPA!" 

A plate flew past your correspondents head.

"You get sunburnt on the way in? Finally leave the Lawbry?" He joked, his bronze skin reflecting the fluorescent glow of the ceiling lights. 

Inquiring about what drove him to both Law and Cricket, the Obiter received a stunning reply.

"Yeah they actually sort of go together. So on a family holiday back to the mother country, we went to this place called Delphi, yeah? And there was this chick that lived there ages ago that told the future and stuff, and I swear to God I heard this spooky voice tell me: 'you are going to captain Law in the Suri Ratnapala Cup'." 

Intrigued, your correspondent pressed for more.

"Yeah, well it turns out Dad was just taking the piss, but the dream has stuck with me since. And the Ancestry reveal was pretty cool, I feel it’s sorta in my blood to compete at this elite level of Cricket."

"Anyway, grab a Lamb Yiros and a bottle of ouzo, let’s have a yarn."

Greatness to come.

Spectator Rocks Up To Suri Cup In A Suit Keen On Getting A Chambers Job

“It’s really another networking event isn’t it? Need to make the most of the law school opportunities!” 

Heads have turned as an ambitious second-year-student has braved the 35 degree heat and worn his Sunday best to the annual professionals v students cricket match. 

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about the sport and showing no interest in learning, this LinkedIn warrior has confirmed he is instead interested in landing a new law job. 

“Got to seize every opportunity to stand out in the competitive job market bro,” said the law student who currently works for himself tutoring two students a week. 

 The optimistic second year was seen lingering around the professional’s bench, handing out his CV and cover letter to the barristers. 

“I thought he was giving out score cards or some shit, and then he asked who my favourite High Court judge was” said one KC. 

“I’m more impressed by that Angus White guy, the bloke is batting like Matty Hayden,” said another barrister when asked about whether he’d hire the tuxedoed networking beast. 

At the end of the match, the law student was seen running on the pitch to shake the hands of every barrister

“I’m just trying to keep it professional”

Although the student hasn’t received a job offer yet, he has told the Obiter the professionals did show signs of interest, as they kept asking ‘how’s that’ when he spoke to them. 

There is currently no developments on his chambers job.

Swiftie Applies For Extension On Seminar Exercise Claiming Family Commitments

A Swiftie that ‘controversially’ attended three of Taylor Swift’s Sydney shows, applied for an extension on her property law seminar exercise due on Wednesday. 

In her application she said that she could not complete her seminar exercise on time due to family commitments—Taylor is mother. 

She plans to go to her GP to get a doctor’s certificate for mental health reasons. She also claims to be suffering from post-Taylor-depression. 

The Swiftie is hoping that her application is approved because she does not want to start the semester off on a bad foot. Nevertheless, it probably will be denied, causing her post-Taylor-depression to spiral even further. 

Rumours have it even Taylor Swift herself applied for an extension on her new album release using the excuse she was performing all year, although she too was denied. 

This gives little hope to our resident Swiftie, who is now considering dropping out of law and becoming a full-time groupie. 

How To Get Through An Awkward Seminar Ice Breaker

It’s that time of the year again and The Obiter has compiled a list of tips to help you get through the semester’s ice breakers and avoid an absolute titanic of a time.

Here’s what we recommend:

1. Avoid week one classes 

2. Avoid week two classes 

3. Don’t rock up until week six just to be safe 

4. Don’t rock up to classes at all to be extra safe 

If you’ve failed to follow the above and are stuck in a ‘tell us a fun fact about yourself’ ice breaker: 

1. Definitely say what high school you went to (particularly if you went to an elite private school and you’re itching to tell someone)

2. Saying you do rock climbing is not a fun fact 

3. Don’t say you have six toes (even if you do) 

4. Don’t say you have a third nipple (even if you do)

If you’ve found yourself in a ‘introduce the person sitting next to you’ ice breaker: 

1. Don’t forget their name 

2. Don’t forget what they’re studying (hard to screw up)

3. If you do forget their name or/and what they are studying, best not attend class for the rest of semester 

And don’t forget, if you make a fool of yourself there’s always another degree you can do!

Good luck, break some ice. 

Champion High-School Debater A Lot Less Keen On Mooting Now He Knows It Actually Involves Preparation

A former Senior A debater, who picked law solely because it allowed him to keep arguing, has expressed dismay at hearing that mooting requires reading cases and writing arguments out beforehand and not just winging it in court.

“Usually the fact that I could name a single female politician gave me enough of an edge in credibility to demolish the GPS competition,” explained the recent Grammar graduate, statistically called either Alex, James or Tom. 

 “But apparently if I rock up and try to Point of Information my way to victory I get immediately disqualified for not presenting submissions,” he said. 

This student's struggle is not a unique one. In recent years scores of QDU trophy-winners have failed to successfully transition to the big leagues, leading onlookers to worry that maybe high-school debating is just a bit silly.

Will mooting finally start to credit manner as much as matter and method?

Would the average reasonable person believe my argument even if I just made a case up? 

Does the non-transferability of its skills into the real world finally prove that debating IS a sport?

More to come.

Sixth Year Law Student Honestly Starting to Feel a bit Embarrassed About Still Being Here

Reports have been received that sixth year Arts/Law student Jemima Parkinson is beginning to feel a bit awkward about still being enrolled in university at the age of 25. 

“It’s all a bit embarrassing, isn’t it?” Jemima discussed with friends this week. 

“Honestly, I’m at the age where I need to start having regular cervical screening tests. Not buying obscure textbooks off randoms and logging into mysinet.” 

“I literally get the biggest ick for myself when I see the Blackboard and UQ Nav apps on my phone,” Jemima said. 

To compound the humiliation, Jemima has learnt that she has an outstanding first year History capstone to complete before she can graduate. “Good god, they’re going to think I’m a mature-age student,” Jemima said, as if this was a fate worse than death.

Sources close to Jemima have told the Obiter that she is refusing to submit her timetable preferences in my.uq, out of sheer humiliation at having to do so for the eleventh time in six years. 

“What’s the use anyway?” Jemima reportedly sighed, “it’s not like I’ll be attending.” 

Unfortunately, there is more to come.

New ‘Slowed & Reverb’ Lecture Speed Causes Rift Amongst UQ Nightcore Enthusiasts

The new speed option aims to stop the sudden surge of hyperpop lecture inspired soundcloud remixes and encourage engagement.

The university’s pilot program comes as the 2x lecture speed epidemic has been a recurring concern for both students and lecturers. 

Some people like Law/Arts student Caroline Smith - who definitely chose her degree for her mathematical capabilities - defend the 2x speed option saying, "It’s basic maths, you’re cutting the time in half”

However, the super speed option has led to more major consequences, namely the sudden surge of hyperpop artists.

"They keep making shitty soundcloud mixes of my lectures," complains a disgruntled source who remains anonymous to protect his end-of-semester student feedback, which he is confident will actually be filled out this time.

But tensions are rising, "Now they're making crazy tiktok edits of my lectures". 

Since the new speed introduction, 'pro-Nightcore' petitions seem to be circulating on campus, and a great divide now plagues UQ - mostly between the gaming society and everyone else.

UQ says they are currently in the process of making a ‘warm & dulcet tone’ speed option to help conquer any further Nightcore lecture remixes.