First-Year Law Student Has Facebook Account Suspended After Tagging Literally Everyone In Law Memes

A first-year studier of law, in the Tee Cee Bees Knees School of Law School of Legal Education, was startled one fine Tuesday morning to see a notification come from Mark Zuckerberg himself.

Susan Fitzgibbons (19) was informed by Mr. Zuckerberg that her Facebook account was to be suspended after Facebook’s complex and well-documented algorithms informed Mr Zucc that Susan was a bot designed only to advertise products by tagging people on her friend list.

The algorithms believed she was an insidious “tagbot,” which popularizes certain posts, images, or memes, by incessantly tagging their friends.

The previous evening, Susan was happily scrolling through her feed. Suddenly, she uttered “Hello, hello, hello,” having stumbled across one of the greatest memes, one of the greatest pieces of comedy, ever created. It was a hilarious reference to Donoghue v Stevension (that snail case!) on a picture - she described it later as a ‘zinger of a law meme.’ The alleged meme was alleged to be depicting a person sitting at a bar saying, “I’ll have a snail with that ginger beer, my fellow… neighbour!”

After literally shitting herself with laughter, and after cleaning it up, Susan commented “lol” followed by tagging every single one of her 1750 ‘friends’ on Facebook in the same comment.

“I was like, I know that case! And they do as well! Therefore I’m hilarious, it’s hilarious, and HOLY FUCK I got FIFTEEN LIKES. Shows that knowledge is humour, or something like that!” she replied, when not even questioned, like she just actually tagged The Obiter in another comment. Who does that?

Reports confirm Susan will have her account suspended for 24 hours and her social status revoked for 24 years.

But hey, worth it for a snail in a bottle! [1]

[1] Donoghue v Stevenson [1932] UKHL 100, 125 per Obiter J.

Stand-Up Comedian Mike Wazowski Debuts New Show At The Melbourne International Comedy Festival

Move over Tom Ballard, there’s a new funnyman in town.

The critics are raving, and the tickets are selling fast, after local stand-up Mike Wazowski performed a brilliant set for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival - from inside the bedroom of a young African-American boy!

In a show titled ‘We’ll Get More Power From Laughter Than Screams,’ the green, single-eyed comedian brought his sharp brand of comedy to topics as diverse as early education, and sports. Wazowski wasn’t afraid to criticize his own figure for a laugh - one of the highlights of the night was his suggestion that he was ‘...always the fastest person playing dodgeball. Of course, I was the ball!’

Revisiting the early years of his life, Wazowski revealed he was in kindergarten for three years. In the hands of a lesser comedian, this may be a sad revelation, but Wazowski spun it to have the whole room on their feet. Turning to physical comedy, the audience were stunned but delighted when he swallowed the microphone whole. It was truly a show that seized comedy by the scruff of the neck, and simply refused to let go!

The brilliant set has led to claims he is the ‘next Seinfeld,’ but ‘funnier and greener.’ Interest from Channel Ten and the ABC has some pundits claiming the next big thing on television will be a Mike Wazowski talk show. We can only dream!

In a brief chat with Wazowski, he revealed he used to work in another career, but '...got sick of making kids scream - I'd rather make them laugh.' When we pressed further about this incredibly creepy comment, he refused to answer. Regardless - funny guy!

‘Mike might be a one-eyed greenie, but he’s a hell of a lot better than Richard Di Natale!’ said one excited fan, who will come back tomorrow to hear Wazowski’s next set, ‘Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me.’

Exciting times for comedy fans!

Public Holiday-Loving, Labour Movement-Hating Young Libs Extremely Torn

In one of the most difficult days on the calendar for Young Liberals, the Labour Day public holiday brings about one of the great dilemmas: how can one despise the labour movement, yet enjoy the day off?

Historically, the Young Liberal movement has been strongly opposed to unions and the labour movement, describing them as ‘cancerous,’ ‘literally Hitler,’ and ‘worse than government intervention into the free market.’

However, the movement has also historically loved a public holiday, typically using them as an opportunity to catch up on a ‘couple of durries and brewskis, hey boys!’ (paraphrased). Therefore, Labour Day is an extremely tough day for these Aussie battlers.

The Obiter spoke with UQ Young Liberal Treasurer, Matt du Klerk (25), who upon hearing us mention unions, vomited a little bit. After he got past this, he described his internal paradox as ‘...a real struggle. A struggle we have to face once every year - this day is so tough on us, but you don’t hear Pedestrian.tv writing about our pain!’

As a South African-born Protestant, du Klerk is certainly strong in his views, and rarely keeps them to himself - but when we asked him whether he was more passionate about loving a beer on a public holiday, or hating unions, he became as silent as the night, with only a rapid twitch in his left eye any indication that he was still functioning.

Another Young Liberal member, who chose to remain anonymous, argues that the public holiday was a clever ploy by unions to ‘...force we proud conservatives into this difficult position. How could they do this to us? How dare they? What did we ever do to them? Why would they thrust this sickening paradox on our shoulders?’

As the rest of politically ambivalent Australia just relaxes and enjoys this fine day off, spare a thought for those who hate unions, but have to enjoy the fruits of their labour. Haha - Labour!

God, we’re good.

UQ Students Jealous Of QUT Students For First Time As Scandal Plays Out In Their Stalkerspace

In a world first, students from The University of Queensland have expressed feelings of jealousy towards students studying at the Queensland University of Technology.

The envy of the usually elitist UQ students was ignited by a mildly spicy scandal that played out in QUT Stalkerspace 2.0. Wow, they have a Stalkerspace. That’s cute.

The saga involved a post by a girl about an apartment at Newmarket. And she wanted someone to housesit for her but she wanted them to pay her $100. To housesit for 10 days. And there was a cat to feed too or something? The gist seemed to be that it was nuts that she wanted someone to pay to housesit. I think. We sort of just skimmed it.

The QUT students commented on the bizarre post before the girl published a follow up post whereby she called the entirety of the Facebook group c***s. And then she left the group and everyone just went nuts.

The plethora of memes posted in QUT Stalkerspace since the incident have been very funny. I mean, they would be funny if I got it but again I am only going off a few comments and things that I read, I don’t really dive into QUT stories all that much.

The Obiter reached out to the 2017 Valedictorian of QUT Law for a comment on the matter. “It was very exciting,” she said. “I haven’t been this excited since I learned that I got a single figure OP!”

UQ students have become defensive about the loss of their accustomed snobbery. “I don’t care,” UQ student Walter Finch McHarrison III told The Obiter. “I mean, the Lion King “what the light touches” meme about the Newmarket apartment was funny I guess, but again I really don’t know what happened.”

The UQ Union is expected to release a statement in the following days to address the jealousy of its members in an attempt to avoid mass exodus of student to QUT.

The real world is, again, keeping it very real.

9 Best Spots In The City To Visit After Your Court Date

Whether you’re a white-collar criminal in the Supreme Court, contesting a public urination fine in the Magistrates Court, or facing a little murder charge, you deserve to eat and drink in style, whether or not you’re convicted. So with a budget of only $500, The Obiter trekked to the City to find out the best spots to visit, before or after your court date (organised by your crime).

1. Drug trafficking.

What’s more addictive than a delicious choc-coated frozen strawberry from the Noosa Chocolate Factory? You ruined the lives of thousands by bringing ice into rural Queensland, but today, you’ll be ruining your wallet with the delicious sweets put out by these local legends.

2. Incest.

G’day, pervert! If it’s a family-owned business you’re after, look no further than the Pigeonwood cafe, a gorgeous little place tucked in an alleyway. Chow down on the smashed avocado as you nervously wait for the jury verdict!

3. Insider trading.

White-collar criminals deserve the best of the best whilst they screw over the working class, and you’re no different. With its recent refurbishment, The Transcontinental Hotel is absolutely perfect for you. And if you’re looking to rub shoulders with the working-class punters funding your fraudulent insurance schemes, look no further than the Public Service Club on Tank St.

4. Stealing.

Whilst you mull over your ability to thieve property and possessions from people, chow down on a bagel from Bagel Boys, which due to its bargain basement L Card deal, will be another theft on your record - because the prices are an absolute steal!

5. Murder

If it’s murder you’ve committed, then it’s murder you might be after, so we recommend making a trip up the road to The Caxton on a State of Origin night, dressed head-to-toe in NSW merchandise. A murderer like you should be able to handle yourself… unless you’re chicken?

6. Arson

You might have burned the house down with gasoline and matches, but at Music City Karaoke on Adelaide St, you can burn the house down with your beautiful vocal chords. Whether you’re on a lunch break from your trial, or celebrating your freedom, their glorious range of Korean-styled karaoke hits will keep you well-entertained!

7. Nuisance

Just a few streets away from the Courts is Hungry Jack’s on Queen St. Mall, perfect for those who have been charged with nuisance. Not only is the place itself a nuisance, the footpaths spilling with Year 10 prepubescent boys, and young men who are never not in a tracksuit, is absolutely perfect for nuisances such as yourself.

8. Drunken and disorderly conduct

No night of drunken misbehaviour is better finished than with KFC, so why not pay tribute to your intoxicated mistakes and make a trip to the Roma St Transit Centre KFC, where you can join queues of sad-looking chaps in hoodies for whom the $5 Hot ‘n’ Spicy Lunch deal is the highlight of their day. Unbeatable!

9. Vehicular manslaughter

Only one place for you to visit, big fella - prison! How could you have done what you did? She was only 16 years old. Hopefully, you can reflect on your crimes, and return a better person.

TransLink Now Demands A Pound Of Flesh & Your Student Card To Prove Your Eligibility For Concession Fares

In a controversial move, Queensland public transport service provider TransLink has now demanded that students provide them with a ‘pound of flesh’ in order to prove they are eligible to receive reduced concession fares.

For many students, receiving concession fares from TransLink became more difficult when TransLink did away with the ‘Concession’ Go Card, instead requiring students to purchase an Adult card, and provide documentation proving they are a student.

However, a spokesperson for TransLink suggested this system was ‘far too easy on students.’ In a speech given to the Queensland Parliament on this change, he suggested ‘many were able to trick the system. All it took to prove you were a student was a current student ID card - that’s absolute crap! Anyone can get one of those!’

Thus, in response, TransLink have undertaken the bold ‘pound of flesh’ test, already used by Centrelink to drug-test welfare recipients. Titled ‘Operation Fleshy Flesh,’ students will be required to manually slice off a pound of their flesh, seal it in an Esky, and deliver to TransLink headquarters in Caboolture. There, a crack team of scientists will analyse the flesh to determine whether the owner of the flesh is a genuine student, or simply an adult pathetic enough to attempt to receive concession fares.

The scientists look for a few key indicators of student flesh; high levels of stress, alcohol consumption, and saying ‘Ugh, I’m so screwed this semester!’ are widely considered to be strongly persuasive of studenthood. On the other hand, if the flesh is particularly healthy, eats a balanced diet, or shows evidence of exercise, it will typically be rejected as adult flesh.

Student advocacy groups have spoken out, calling the system ‘objectively fucking ridiculous’ - with one exception. The brave young souls at the UQ Liberal National Club have called it ‘an important move… taxpayers have suffered far too long under the crushing burden of paying for concession fraudsters, and this is what we need to shake up the system.’

The controversy continues as reports reveal if students carve off more than a pound of flesh, they will be required to pay excess charges to TransLink.

Distressing.

Clever Left-Wing Comedy Writer Sharpens His Pencil As Cardinal Pell Is Back In The News

As the headline broke that disgraced Cardinal George Pell would stand trial for historical sexual offence charges, smartass comedy writers across Australia have leapt for joy, sharpening their pencils in preparation for incisive monologues.

Reports indicate the offices of Tom Ballard’s Tonightly were full of whoops, excitable yelling, and cries of “Here we go boys!” as Victorian magistrate Belinda Wallington has ruled there is enough evidence for the possibility of Pell’s conviction. One 27-year old, inner-city progressive writer, comedian, and podcast host, Mark Angusvale, declared today as a ‘true victory for all clever comedians in Melbourne and Sydney… and also, you know, the victims of Pell’s crimes.’

‘To be honest, when the news broke, I peed a little. I started sharpening my pencils - I would’ve started sharpening my wit, but it’s already as sharp as can be!’ Angus continued on, despite our attempts to desperately leave the interview.

‘Whenever I see someone bleeding, my first instinct is ask if they’ve been cut by my sharp wit! Never fails - it’s a killer! Ha ha,’ he grinned in a smug, well-dressed way.

When Pell was previously in the news, countless comics had an absolute field day, leading to today’s excitement for those young ones who missed out last time. As excited as Mark and his brethren are, it has been a tricky day for them trying to figure out what their hot take should be. A cartoon of Pell and Dennis Ferguson, asking “Spot the difference?” has been rejected as “not witty enough,” whilst a sketch where Cardinal Pell shares a lasagne with the Devil has been rejected as “insufficiently savage.”

Looking for inspiration, Mark turned to his shrine of Tim Minchin, Wil Anderson, and Geoffrey Rush, praying for inspiration from Australian icons of humour and intellectualism. Conveniently ignoring that Rush has faced sexual harassment allegations, Mark begged these three men to strike him down with the joke that would blow the socks off Australia.

He found it. On tomorrow’s episode of Mark’s podcast, Mark My Words (AKA ‘Girt by Sea, Hurt by Me’), he will begin by boldly proclaiming ‘I had coffee yesterday with George Pell, and Joseph Stalin. One was a despicable monster, bringing pain and anguish to the lives of millions, causing grief and suffering wherever he went… and the other was a socialist icon!’

All reports seem to indicate Mark’s five listeners, fellow workers at the ABC and/or Junkee and/or Pedestrian.tv and/or definitely not Triple M, will be absolutely thrilled at the wordplay.

Hopefully, no more to come.

High Court Looking To Employ The World's Most “Reasonable Man”

After countless decades of attempting to ascertain what a ‘reasonable man’ might do, the High Court has proudly said ‘fuck it,’ and are now attempting to find the most reasonable, normal man in Australia.

A common theme throughout many legal questions is an objective assessment of what a reasonable man may do in various scenarios. Would a reasonable man act this way? Would a reasonable man consider this contract to be binding? And up until now, the suffering judiciary have been forced to use their own minds to determine the thoughts of a reasonable man.

This approach has received much criticism, as many argue that judges are often not at all reasonable, and can be out of touch with the approach of the reasonable, common folk. And thus, the search begins.

Chief Justice Kiefel AC spoke exclusively with The Obiter regarding their search criteria. “Have you ever enjoyed a Corona with lime, and said ‘this is the life’? Do you feel a particular thrill, and urge to dance, whenever you hear Despacito? Are you willing to get into a genuinely violent argument over a sports team? You might be who we are looking for.”

Applicants will be forced to undergo a reasonability test, ensuring they are just about the most vanilla, generic, reasonable person that can be found. One key element of the test is placing the candidate in a social situation, and ensuring they can blend into the conversation, without being particularly interesting or memorable. Another indicator of reasonableness is their willingness to lend you money; if they lend you $5 with no complaint, that is reasonable. But if it’s $20? Put ‘em away, moneybags - unreasonable.

The Court has stressed they are not just looking for men, despite what hundreds of years of male judges have written. “In this day and age, it has come to our attention that hundreds, if not thousands, of women are reasonable,” suggested Justice Keane AC. “So if you find yourself enjoying Lorde and vodka lime sodas, do apply! Ha ha….”

In the midst of ordering a medium flat white thanks mate yeah one sugar, The Obiter realised that we may be eligible to be the reasonable person. But seeing as we are a website, we could also be struggling.

If you know anyone so reasonable that they could fill the statutory office of The Right Honourable Reasonable AO, do call the High Court on 3231 4598.

Triple J Enthusiasts Extremely Divided Over Kanye & Trump

In the wake of the revelation of Kanye West’s support for US President and man that definitely doesn’t listen to that much Kanye West, Donald J. Trump, indie music fans and Triple J enthusiasts all across Australia have been “bloody torn aye.”

Broadly, there is little crossover between those who describe Kanye as “a genuine visionary” and “my spirit animal” and those who describe Donald Trump as “a genuine visionary” and “my spirit animal.” But the two men have chosen to cross over, leaving many, such as 22-year old electronic music producer/gym receptionist Siobhan Wellesley, extremely confused over what to think.

“Yeezy is honestly such a visionary, and one of the few true artists of our generation,” said Siobhan, “...but Trump is so disgusting! Like, Make America Great Again? More like, Make America Racist and Bad Again!”

Siobhan’s incisive comments reflect the views of many in her peer circle. Her main group chat, affectionately titled ‘Tash Sultana Bran yewwwww,’ has this week featured such messages as ‘Holy dick, can I ever listen to Gold Digger the same way?’ and ‘Yeezy said George Bush doesn’t care about black people…. and what, Trump does? Hold up, I gotta tweet that, that’s incredibly insightful from me just then.’

Group chat member, and Siobhan’s on-and-off boyfriend and musical collaborator, Michael Feldman, has torn his hair out about the conflict, screeching at a high-pitched tone for the last several hours. Once we were able to calm him down, and as he rolled a cigarette (even though rollies are literally the same price as packaged cigarettes, you’re just doing it to look cool, Michael), he revealed ‘....guys, I literally grew up on a diet of Kanye West. I fell in love to Runaway, I had my heart broken to Black Skinhead, and I lost my virginity to Father Stretch My Hands.’

‘That last one’s a bit weird, isn’t it?’ we asked.

After one long drag, Michael looked us in the eye. ‘And isn’t Kanye a bit weird?’ He then scampered away.

Reports suggest fans of John Denver, John Cougar Mellencamp, John Paul Young, and most other John’s, are not particularly torn over Kanye’s support for President Trump, as they already either support Mr. Trump, or have genuinely no clue who Kanye West is.

Australians Solemnly Rise Before Dawn To Commemorate Those Avengers Lost In The Infinity War

Across the nation, Australians have risen in the dark of night to commemorate a war that has captured the attention of the world.

The sun was deep in rest as swarms of people left the comfort of their beds to line up for tickets to The Avengers: Infinity War.

“It is early,” Derek Smeeton said as he stood outside Southbank Cineplex, dressed in the traditional uniform of a Thor: Ragnarok hoodie. “But we have to honour those brave Avengers and the war they fought.”

Regiments of fanboys have left Reddit for the first time this year in order to march through the city streets, the night breeze blowing in their neck fluff. The 6th Battalion of the Royal Geabon Regiment was saluted by the goths outside the city Hungry Jacks as they marched stoically on, inexplicably leaving a trail of actual slime in their wake.

The sacrifice of The Avengers has been attentively studied by war buffs of all generations. 

“Iron Man has put himself in danger throughout multiple battles,” military historian John McWarHistorian told The Obiter. “Black Widow shattered the glass ceiling for women in the military. And I can’t even begin to describe the heroic deeds of Hulk.”

“Why not?” asked The Obiter’s journalism intern Priyanka. “Like, we got you in for an interview John, the least you could do is begin to describe the heroic deeds of Hulk.”

John walked out of our office at this point, telling Priyanka that she will never appreciate what The Avengers have done for the world.

This day is not without controversy. Commentators argue that the day has been hijacked by many as an excuse to drink Rainbow Smashes to excess and exert bigotry veiled as patriotism towards characters from the DC Universe.

Regardless of your stance, the sight of Australians lining up for hours on end to remember the Infinity War is an inspirational event.

Patrons are asked to book their respects online as many services have already sold out.