Collusion - Everyone’s Doing It!

‘Guys, if we all do it, we can’t get in trouble. They can’t punish a group of people!’ insisted 3rd-year student Craig, after suspiciously completing an online mid-semester quiz in 5 minutes of the allotted hour.

For Mr. Craig Tree (21), the alleged academic colluder, subtly cheating in small ways are just one of his many larrikinistic ways, learnt from his time at an elite Brisbane boarding school. He parks in the St. Lucia parking area for more than two hours, he uses the Merlo water glasses to score the 50c KeepCup discount - and more.

Despite the aforementioned acts of rebellion, Craig firmly believes nothing compares to the mid-semester thrill of collusion. As Craig shared with us, ‘...guys. You HAVE to collude.’

Apparently, nothing beats the feeling, the raw thrill, of being surrounded by your colleagues eagerly cheering you on in hushed voices as you attempt to complete a squiz, copying their answers, whilst simultaneously placing obscure multi bets on Far North Queensland dog races.

What’s more, in an unprecedented revelation, Mr. Tree has found a loophole in assessment rules which the TCB School of Law is completely unaware of.

According to Craig, this loophole is ‘... If everybody does it, then no-one can get caught. It’s in the University Constitution or something, you can’t fail a whole cohort for collusion.’

When The Obiter tried to reach Craig for further comment, he said he was busy, and had to run to an interview at a top-tier Brisbane law firm. We can’t confirm the position he is interviewing for, but we suspect it was a position created to shore up his family’s wealth and legacy - but the interview was ‘by no means secured through family connections.’

5 New DMA’S Songs That Still Aren’t As Good As Their ‘Believe’ Cover

Australian alternative artists DMA’S have released their second For Now. The track list is packed full of immersive indie tunes, none of which hold a damn candle to their 2016 cover of Cher’s pop hit ‘Believe.’

The Obiter takes a look at 5 tracks from the new offering, all of which are good without getting anywhere close to their amazing Like A Version.

1. For Now

The title track, this soothing lament of youth sets the tone for what’s to come. Not unlike how the bands’ cover of ‘Believe’ set the tone for what was to come - me listening to it on repeat for 2 weeks! It’s so good!

2. Dawning

This track showcases the band’s talent with guitar that builds. Just like in their cover of ‘Believe’ where they built a reputation for being my favourite guests on Like A Version. Who would’ve thought a pop song could so smoothly transition into an indie smash? I played it at my 21st three times! And everyone sung along! What a night. What a song.

3. In The Air

This is great example of a staple DMA’S track: well written, thoughtful, and not quite as good as ‘Believe’.

4. Do I Need You Know?

This track title poses a question, the answer being “what was that sorry? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my favourite song that I’m blasting. What is it? Oh it’s just the most heavenly fucking melody to ever emanate from Triple J’s goddamn airwaves. It’s like Ben and Liam had a sound baby, and that baby got kidnapped by Tom Tilley’s opinions and then that baby, upon being returned to Ben and Liam under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), released a vinyl EP - this is the closing track.”

5. Some other song that you’ll get 45 seconds into before you cheeky fingers, almost through muscle memory, crawl across your screen to play the ‘Believe’ cover just one more time.

This song was actually really good. Those 45 seconds were so promising, but just not as sure of a bet as the Cher tribute that rocks my eardrums on the daily.

Wow, DMA’S fans have lots to choose from with this latest offering! But also, no choice at all.

“Can You Proofread My Footnotes?” Asks Law Student Who Just Told You She Hasn’t Even Looked At The Assignment

In an exclusive interview, The Obiter sat down with that loud girl from the Law Library who, just seconds ago, said she hasn’t even had a chance to look at the 20% assignment due in one week.

THE OBITER: Loud girl from the Law Library who, just seconds ago, said she hasn’t even had a chance to look at the 20% assignment due in one week, thank you for speaking with us.

THAT LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No problem! I probably shouldn’t chat for too long.

THE OBITER: Why’s that?

THAT LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: I just have to get started on that assignment due next week.

THE OBITER: Oh, the 20% one. Yeah should be fine.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Are you serious? When I first read it I was like “oh yeah this seems pretty straightforward.” But I’ve had a look into it and done some reading and I think there’s a lot more to it.

THE OBITER: Oh right. I mean it’s only 20% so shouldn’t be an issue.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Yeah but I’m fucked.

THE OBITER: You sound like you’ve had a look at it…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No, I’m seriously fucked.

THE OBITER: Yeah, I feel like you say this every time we have an…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No, like this time I am actually fucked. It took me like 2 and a half hours to get through a lecture the other day.

THE OBITER: I wouldn’t worry about…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Yeah I’m really worried about it. I need to get 10.5/20 to have any chance at getting a 6 for the subject.

THE OBITER: Mate you’re laughing.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: No seriously it’s fucked. I emailed the course coordinator a few times to try get some clarity about the criteria sheet, which is just a fucking mess, but she hasn’t responded and it’s been like 45 minutes.

THE OBITER: Hey maybe keep it down I think the people at the next table are getting a bit annoyed.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Can you proofread my footnotes?

THE OBITER: I thought you hadn’t looked at it?

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Oh, I haven’t I just wanted to get the footnotes done so that I can spend next week getting it under the word count.

THE OBITER: So you’ve written it?

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: Oh no I just like jotted out some basic ideas. I showed it to my partner at Malleys and she said it’s close to done, but close obviously means there’s a bit more to do on it and I’ve got a few readings to do between now and next week. And I’m also working a half day next Wednesday so that’s going to take a whole 4 hours out so I am just thinking of dropping out and copping the financial penalty. Like, it’s just not worth it, if this is the subject that brings the GPA under 6.5 I’d just regret not dropping it.

THE OBITER: I really…

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: I’m fucked.

THE OBITER: Yeah you said that.

LOUD GIRL FROM THE LAW LIBRARY WHO, JUST SECONDS AGO, SAID SHE HASN’T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE 20% ASSIGNMENT DUE IN ONE WEEK: I just wish I’d done an easy degree. Like med or the defence force…

THE OBITER: Shut the fuck up. Like genuinely shut up. You have the crusiest fucking life, you work like one day a month, your GPA is higher than the number of books George RR Martin has finished, you are fucking fine! So shut up for one second. Yeah, so shut your fucking stupid mouths. Chatting bare fucking shit. Shut the fuck up, shut your fucking mouth. Oi rudeboy, shut up. One time yeah, chatting bare fucking shit. Shut up, man. Pussy, what?

That loud girl from the Law Library who, just seconds ago, said she hasn’t even had a chance to look at the 20% assignment due in one week resigns. ‘That’s How You Know You Messed Up’ by Nico & Vinz plays.

The Obiter dabs.

“They Know My Name At Merlo’s Now!” Thinks Second-Year Student Convinced He’s ‘Made It’

Started from the bottom, now we’re here.

That thought ran through the mind of second-year Commerce/Law student, Mark Wilson (20), as he ordered his cappucino at Merlo’s, and heard the barista utter those fateful, powerful words.

‘It’s Mark, right?’

With that simple recognition of his name, that simple recollection of a simple proper noun, that barista had made Mark’s day. Mark was now convinced that he had ‘made it.’ Rushing over to his friends, Mark couldn’t wait to share with them the good news. ‘They knew my name!! You see this coffee here - it was made by people who knew my name!’ The mild ambivalence of Mark’s friends did nothing to dull his runaway excitement.

‘They must serve, like, hundreds of thousands of customers per day. And they remembered me - me! Little Marky Wilson! Guys, I don’t mean to jinx it, but seriously. I think I’ve made it.’

As his friends started discussing other topics, Mark’s imagination ran wild. He wondered if he should start getting people to call him BMOC - short for ‘Big Man On Campus.’ Thinking that might be a little too obvious, he settled for an attempted nickname of ‘Big Mark.’ After all, he was a pretty big deal now - the folk at Merlo’s knew who he was, and they don’t dish that out to just anyone.

But Mark’s dreams were about to come crashing down around his ears. As he gazed upon his coffee cup, supposedly a symbol of triumph, he realised one devastating thing.

They had spelt his name ‘Marc.’

‘Fucking bullshit,’ he muttered, his friends no longer listening to him at all. ‘They’ll pay for this… oh, they’ll ALL pay.’

Intriguing. We’ll follow this story as it continues to develop.

Shocking! Scott Morrison Left The Budget On The School Bus And Now Has 20 Minutes To Hand It In

Drats!

In distressing scenes from Canberra, little Scotty Morrison of Class 3G (aka ‘the House of Representatives’) has left his 2018 Federal Budget on the school bus - and now only has twenty minutes to hand it in, or he’ll get a demerit!

When Scott woke up today, he was excited, with a big, wide grin on his face. Today was the day he would unveil what he’s been working so very hard on - his budget. He’d spent the last few nights dreaming of fiscal responsibility, tax cuts, and infrastructure spending.

Even after three cups of warm milk, he couldn’t get to bed till 11pm last night!

After eating his toast and orange juice, Lil’ ScoMo grabbed his backpack, and stuffed the budget inside, giggling as he did so. Today was going to be a great day! The sun was shining, the budget was done, and Mr. Turnbull was going to call him ‘champ’ in front of the whole class.

But in his excitement today, bounding off the Canberra Parliament bus shouting ‘jobs and growth!’ poor Scott has found himself in a pickle. He left all the budget on the bus!

Scott tried very, very hard to remember the budget, but there were so many big numbers and talking points. He can’t possibly remember it in time - he has to find it!

In 20 minutes, Scotty is due to give a big, big speech on the Budget. But will he make it in time? And will his acid reflux from the orange juice play up? Find out in one hour on The Obiter.

First-Year Law Student Has Facebook Account Suspended After Tagging Literally Everyone In Law Memes

A first-year studier of law, in the Tee Cee Bees Knees School of Law School of Legal Education, was startled one fine Tuesday morning to see a notification come from Mark Zuckerberg himself.

Susan Fitzgibbons (19) was informed by Mr. Zuckerberg that her Facebook account was to be suspended after Facebook’s complex and well-documented algorithms informed Mr Zucc that Susan was a bot designed only to advertise products by tagging people on her friend list.

The algorithms believed she was an insidious “tagbot,” which popularizes certain posts, images, or memes, by incessantly tagging their friends.

The previous evening, Susan was happily scrolling through her feed. Suddenly, she uttered “Hello, hello, hello,” having stumbled across one of the greatest memes, one of the greatest pieces of comedy, ever created. It was a hilarious reference to Donoghue v Stevension (that snail case!) on a picture - she described it later as a ‘zinger of a law meme.’ The alleged meme was alleged to be depicting a person sitting at a bar saying, “I’ll have a snail with that ginger beer, my fellow… neighbour!”

After literally shitting herself with laughter, and after cleaning it up, Susan commented “lol” followed by tagging every single one of her 1750 ‘friends’ on Facebook in the same comment.

“I was like, I know that case! And they do as well! Therefore I’m hilarious, it’s hilarious, and HOLY FUCK I got FIFTEEN LIKES. Shows that knowledge is humour, or something like that!” she replied, when not even questioned, like she just actually tagged The Obiter in another comment. Who does that?

Reports confirm Susan will have her account suspended for 24 hours and her social status revoked for 24 years.

But hey, worth it for a snail in a bottle! [1]

[1] Donoghue v Stevenson [1932] UKHL 100, 125 per Obiter J.

Stand-Up Comedian Mike Wazowski Debuts New Show At The Melbourne International Comedy Festival

Move over Tom Ballard, there’s a new funnyman in town.

The critics are raving, and the tickets are selling fast, after local stand-up Mike Wazowski performed a brilliant set for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival - from inside the bedroom of a young African-American boy!

In a show titled ‘We’ll Get More Power From Laughter Than Screams,’ the green, single-eyed comedian brought his sharp brand of comedy to topics as diverse as early education, and sports. Wazowski wasn’t afraid to criticize his own figure for a laugh - one of the highlights of the night was his suggestion that he was ‘...always the fastest person playing dodgeball. Of course, I was the ball!’

Revisiting the early years of his life, Wazowski revealed he was in kindergarten for three years. In the hands of a lesser comedian, this may be a sad revelation, but Wazowski spun it to have the whole room on their feet. Turning to physical comedy, the audience were stunned but delighted when he swallowed the microphone whole. It was truly a show that seized comedy by the scruff of the neck, and simply refused to let go!

The brilliant set has led to claims he is the ‘next Seinfeld,’ but ‘funnier and greener.’ Interest from Channel Ten and the ABC has some pundits claiming the next big thing on television will be a Mike Wazowski talk show. We can only dream!

In a brief chat with Wazowski, he revealed he used to work in another career, but '...got sick of making kids scream - I'd rather make them laugh.' When we pressed further about this incredibly creepy comment, he refused to answer. Regardless - funny guy!

‘Mike might be a one-eyed greenie, but he’s a hell of a lot better than Richard Di Natale!’ said one excited fan, who will come back tomorrow to hear Wazowski’s next set, ‘Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me.’

Exciting times for comedy fans!

Public Holiday-Loving, Labour Movement-Hating Young Libs Extremely Torn

In one of the most difficult days on the calendar for Young Liberals, the Labour Day public holiday brings about one of the great dilemmas: how can one despise the labour movement, yet enjoy the day off?

Historically, the Young Liberal movement has been strongly opposed to unions and the labour movement, describing them as ‘cancerous,’ ‘literally Hitler,’ and ‘worse than government intervention into the free market.’

However, the movement has also historically loved a public holiday, typically using them as an opportunity to catch up on a ‘couple of durries and brewskis, hey boys!’ (paraphrased). Therefore, Labour Day is an extremely tough day for these Aussie battlers.

The Obiter spoke with UQ Young Liberal Treasurer, Matt du Klerk (25), who upon hearing us mention unions, vomited a little bit. After he got past this, he described his internal paradox as ‘...a real struggle. A struggle we have to face once every year - this day is so tough on us, but you don’t hear Pedestrian.tv writing about our pain!’

As a South African-born Protestant, du Klerk is certainly strong in his views, and rarely keeps them to himself - but when we asked him whether he was more passionate about loving a beer on a public holiday, or hating unions, he became as silent as the night, with only a rapid twitch in his left eye any indication that he was still functioning.

Another Young Liberal member, who chose to remain anonymous, argues that the public holiday was a clever ploy by unions to ‘...force we proud conservatives into this difficult position. How could they do this to us? How dare they? What did we ever do to them? Why would they thrust this sickening paradox on our shoulders?’

As the rest of politically ambivalent Australia just relaxes and enjoys this fine day off, spare a thought for those who hate unions, but have to enjoy the fruits of their labour. Haha - Labour!

God, we’re good.

UQ Students Jealous Of QUT Students For First Time As Scandal Plays Out In Their Stalkerspace

In a world first, students from The University of Queensland have expressed feelings of jealousy towards students studying at the Queensland University of Technology.

The envy of the usually elitist UQ students was ignited by a mildly spicy scandal that played out in QUT Stalkerspace 2.0. Wow, they have a Stalkerspace. That’s cute.

The saga involved a post by a girl about an apartment at Newmarket. And she wanted someone to housesit for her but she wanted them to pay her $100. To housesit for 10 days. And there was a cat to feed too or something? The gist seemed to be that it was nuts that she wanted someone to pay to housesit. I think. We sort of just skimmed it.

The QUT students commented on the bizarre post before the girl published a follow up post whereby she called the entirety of the Facebook group c***s. And then she left the group and everyone just went nuts.

The plethora of memes posted in QUT Stalkerspace since the incident have been very funny. I mean, they would be funny if I got it but again I am only going off a few comments and things that I read, I don’t really dive into QUT stories all that much.

The Obiter reached out to the 2017 Valedictorian of QUT Law for a comment on the matter. “It was very exciting,” she said. “I haven’t been this excited since I learned that I got a single figure OP!”

UQ students have become defensive about the loss of their accustomed snobbery. “I don’t care,” UQ student Walter Finch McHarrison III told The Obiter. “I mean, the Lion King “what the light touches” meme about the Newmarket apartment was funny I guess, but again I really don’t know what happened.”

The UQ Union is expected to release a statement in the following days to address the jealousy of its members in an attempt to avoid mass exodus of student to QUT.

The real world is, again, keeping it very real.

9 Best Spots In The City To Visit After Your Court Date

Whether you’re a white-collar criminal in the Supreme Court, contesting a public urination fine in the Magistrates Court, or facing a little murder charge, you deserve to eat and drink in style, whether or not you’re convicted. So with a budget of only $500, The Obiter trekked to the City to find out the best spots to visit, before or after your court date (organised by your crime).

1. Drug trafficking.

What’s more addictive than a delicious choc-coated frozen strawberry from the Noosa Chocolate Factory? You ruined the lives of thousands by bringing ice into rural Queensland, but today, you’ll be ruining your wallet with the delicious sweets put out by these local legends.

2. Incest.

G’day, pervert! If it’s a family-owned business you’re after, look no further than the Pigeonwood cafe, a gorgeous little place tucked in an alleyway. Chow down on the smashed avocado as you nervously wait for the jury verdict!

3. Insider trading.

White-collar criminals deserve the best of the best whilst they screw over the working class, and you’re no different. With its recent refurbishment, The Transcontinental Hotel is absolutely perfect for you. And if you’re looking to rub shoulders with the working-class punters funding your fraudulent insurance schemes, look no further than the Public Service Club on Tank St.

4. Stealing.

Whilst you mull over your ability to thieve property and possessions from people, chow down on a bagel from Bagel Boys, which due to its bargain basement L Card deal, will be another theft on your record - because the prices are an absolute steal!

5. Murder

If it’s murder you’ve committed, then it’s murder you might be after, so we recommend making a trip up the road to The Caxton on a State of Origin night, dressed head-to-toe in NSW merchandise. A murderer like you should be able to handle yourself… unless you’re chicken?

6. Arson

You might have burned the house down with gasoline and matches, but at Music City Karaoke on Adelaide St, you can burn the house down with your beautiful vocal chords. Whether you’re on a lunch break from your trial, or celebrating your freedom, their glorious range of Korean-styled karaoke hits will keep you well-entertained!

7. Nuisance

Just a few streets away from the Courts is Hungry Jack’s on Queen St. Mall, perfect for those who have been charged with nuisance. Not only is the place itself a nuisance, the footpaths spilling with Year 10 prepubescent boys, and young men who are never not in a tracksuit, is absolutely perfect for nuisances such as yourself.

8. Drunken and disorderly conduct

No night of drunken misbehaviour is better finished than with KFC, so why not pay tribute to your intoxicated mistakes and make a trip to the Roma St Transit Centre KFC, where you can join queues of sad-looking chaps in hoodies for whom the $5 Hot ‘n’ Spicy Lunch deal is the highlight of their day. Unbeatable!

9. Vehicular manslaughter

Only one place for you to visit, big fella - prison! How could you have done what you did? She was only 16 years old. Hopefully, you can reflect on your crimes, and return a better person.