Rescued Thai Boys Relieved They Made The Most Of Cave's $10 Cover Charge

“We really got our money’s worth!”

The world watched in awe as 12 boys and their coach were rescued from a flooded Thai cave yesterday. The boys were incredibly relieved that, after 18 days, they had really got one up over the cave management who had smugly charged them $10 entry.

“I thought it was free before 11,” one of the rescued boys told The Obiter.

The team were forced to scramble for loose change upon entering the cave, with many offering to buy their peers a drink of cave water inside if they could shout the cover charge.

“We’re going to stay for fucking ages,” one boy said. “We’re going to make that money back.”

Upon being rescued, the boys refused to admit that their gambit had gotten out of hand. “We made a statement today about the way cover charges hurt local cave businesses,” a particularly outspoken member of the group told the world’s waiting media organisations.

“With Oh Hello closing down, and this cave being pretty unlikely to attract many patrons for the next little while, it’s easy to see why nightlife and monsoon region cave diving are such tough industries to go into.”

No more to come.

Breaking! Elon Musk Offers To Use His Mini-Submarine To Rescue Refugees In Nauru

As the world is gripped by the suspenseful cave rescue of 12 Thai boys and their soccer coach, rescue chief Narongsak Osatanakorn has diplomatically declined Elon Musk’s attempts to help the mission.

According to Musk’s recent tweets, the tech entrepreneur and magnate has seemingly designed a submarine craft in the last three days “...made of rocket parts and named Wild Boar, after the kiids’ soccer team,” which he has left by the cave entrance “...in case it may be useful in the future. Thailand is so beautiful.”

The Thai rescue chief has responded and dismissed Musk’s offer by saying that “...although his technology is good and sophisticated it’s not practical for this mission. Also, is he still with Grimes? What’s the deal with that?”

In the preceding days, Elon Musk has reportedly been spotted outside the cave system sitting inside his submarine pod, blasting rocket launchers at Thai Navy Seals and offering to sell media representatives “electric powered oxygen tanks” from under his heavy trench coat.

Responding to claims that he is a ‘weird Tony Stark crossed with Mark Zuckerberg,’ Musk simply chortled with glee and scampered away to his laboratory to build a digital cave which will rescue the boys from the actual cave. Somehow.

The Obiter can exclusively report that since the Thai rescue chief tweeted his firm response, Musk has been spotted climbing into his electric hovercraft and scanning the Pacific region for more helpless children in dire need of rescue to capture the hearts and minds of the global public.

Musk has since hovered back to Thailand, propelling himself into the air on his ejector seat and exclaiming: “HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING IN NAURU?!

“It’s like what almost happened in Johnny English when Pascal Sauvage attempted to turn England into a giant commercial prison, but in Nauru – it seems he has succeeded! We need to bring down this evil overlord Pascal Sauvage and justice to the detainees on Nauru!... Nauru is so beautiful.”

Musk’s inane rants seem to have struck a chord with some on social media, but the mainstream media seems to have let him be.

We questioned Musk on where he planned on settling the refugees currently being processed on Nauru after he rescues them, since they presumably will not be allowed on shore in Australia, he responded, “I will take them to my Space Station via my Great Glass Elevator”.

Musk then boarded his mini-sub, Wild Boar, and disappeared into the ocean.

Where did he go?

Pictured: a leaked image of Musk's 'Wild Boar' submarine, being piloted by top operatives, or 'toperatives.'

Donald Trump Announces The Entirety of UQPS 3.0 As Supreme Court Nominee

US President Donald Trump, in an unprecedented move, has nominated pretty much every member of the Facebook group UQ Politics Society 3.0 to fill the Supreme Court vacancy.

The retirement of Justice Anthony Kennedy sparked a ferocious lobbying effort by Washington’s legal establishment to influence the President’s choice of replacement.

However, President Trump surprised his advisors and the world by opting against the tradition of nominating a single person to fill the seat and instead entrusting the laws of the nation to the better part of the 761 members of UQPS 3.0.

“Many were saying I should just nominate a federal appeals court judge,’ President Trump said in his announcement speech. “However, I was scrolling the feed and some of the polls these kids are posting in that group are just fucked. These are true conservatives.’

Many commentators have noted that the proliferation of incels within the nominated group ensures that the aggregate age is a comfortable 22, meaning the court would lean conservative until the Facebook society either dies, retires or meets a girl.

The curators of the United States’ highest court have already expressed alarm at the logistical implications of the nomination. ‘We only have one vacant seat,’ Bailiff Jim told The Obiter. “When you rule out Drew and his mates, that’s about 750ish little shits we’ve got to squeeze into one seat. It’ll be tight.’

At press time, liberals were formulating an awareness campaign to highlight the risks of confirming UQPS 3.0 to the court. ‘This nominee will overturn landmark decisions, such as whether Jordan Peterson is any good and if genocide can be funny,’ read an early email to the liberal activist group Everything Is Mean.

President Trump has signalled he will meet with his nominee at the Red Room to discuss confirmation strategies.

At press time, no one had shown up.

Drats! Football’s Coming Home And We Still Haven’t Washed Up The Dishes We Promised We Would

The clock is ticking. Time is running out. Football is coming home, and we still haven’t cleaned up the house!

When football left this morning, we promised we’d clean up the house, unpack the dishwasher, and put away any dishes we used throughout the day.

We’ve had so much fun today, playing Wii Tennis, eating homemade curly fries, and drinking copious amounts of red cordial that it looks like it’s completely slipped our minds - football will be coming home in a very short amount of time!

Once football gets through Croatia and France, it’ll be walking right through the front door, and we’ll be copping a hiding. Last time football came home and we hadn’t done the washing up, we were much younger, and we were yelled at. We don’t want that to happen again!

Hopefully, football hasn’t had a bad day at the office. But still, we have some time to clean up.

Note: At The Obiter, we don’t know very much about soccer. This is our attempt, based on the fact everyone’s been saying the phrase ‘Football’s coming home!’ a heck of a lot. Best wishes to us.

11AM Stomach Rumbles Clear Evidence Clerk Has Never Worked Full-Time Before

For Sarah Westley, her Winter clerkship at prestigious Brisbane firm, Golden Snitch Fleeehills, has been a time of learning, and a first step toward obtaining a graduate position. However, the deafening rumbles of her stomach at 11.15am also reveal another important element of her time at the firm.

This is the first time Sarah has ever worked full-time.

Unfortunately, in a professional environment, it is difficult to be ‘...constantly eating almonds, goghurts, and Pepsi Max,’ Sarah told The Obiter.

Her usually dietary patterns, established at a time wherein working two days a week as a discovery paralegal was a ‘hefty commitment,’ for her, have been completely upset by her clerkship.

In a confessional, raw, and revealing interview, Sarah suggested it was ‘pretty cooked that the lawyers don’t eat more. My stomach was going off like a bull in a china shop a few hours before lunch, and it was the only one!’

‘I’m not quite sure corporate culture is for me. If I can’t have leftover spring rolls and room-temperature lemonade at 10.30am…’ she trailed off, the rest of her words drowned out by her stomach.

That’s our fault for recording the interview at 10.20am, and not even having the common courtesy to offer Sarah a party pie and/or a few Barbecue shapes.

The prospect of a glittering career in commercial litigation certainly lightens Sarah’s hunger pangs, but with science yet to invent mufflers for hungry stomachs, the 11am challenge will remain a constant in her life as a clerk.

‘Can’t wait to go back to two days a week at uni, having a full curry at 9am after the first lecture of the day….’ she remarked.

‘Glory days.’

‘Working At A Firm Is Nothing Like Suits,’ Announces Smug Clerk Who Still Thinks Hospitals Are Like Grey’s Anatomy

Thomas Harrington-Lewis (22), a Winter clerk at Brighton & Hewitt Shallesons, one of Eagle St’s premier firms, has today announced that, in his learned opinion, ‘...working at a firm is absolutely nothing like Suits, that show was so unrealistic.’

This is despite the fact he is genuinely convinced Grey’s Anatomy was a perfect representation of hospitals, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine is an accurate, if humorous, take on police culture in New York.

Two weeks in winter vacation clerkships, it seems Brisbane’s bright young clerks are beginning to get a little chirpy. The first-week nerves have been replaced with second-week confidence, and this has been reflected in Thomas’ bold claim.

‘To be honest, Suits was just bullshit through and through,’ he informed us, conveniently ignoring that, much like a good 50% of current law students, he chose to study law because he ‘wanted to be Harvey Specter… man, he’s cool.’

‘Working in an actual firm, particularly one as prestigious as Brighton & Hewit Shallesons, really highlights how the writers of Suits dumbed down the complex and rigorous work of commercial lawyers. I’m working harder than Mike Ross, and I’m just a clerk!’

Thomas’ newfound elitism over television programmes like Suits has unfortunately not extended to a broader realisation that TV is fictional. When we picked his brains over other workplace shows, he refused to believe they were anything short of documentary-like accuracy.

‘Mate, Grey’s Anatomy is a masterpiece. My friend’s mum is a GP, and she watches it, so… you really shouldn’t have any doubts.’

‘And don’t even get me started on how Orange Is The New Black is a hauntingly accurate depiction of women’s prisons.’

With two weeks left to run in his clerkship, let’s hope Thomas will eventually come to understand that scripted television shows are fictional, and shouldn’t govern the decisions he make.

Fuck, Harvey Specter is cool though.

10 Things Deaf People Are Sick Of Hearing

We've gone to the effort of assembling below a comprehensive list of things deaf people are sick of hearing.

Bazinga.

Opinion: Elastigirl Creates Unrealistic Body Expectations For Women

After a 12-year wait, the world is currently going crazy for Incredibles 2. The superhero sequel has been praised for its placements of Mrs Incredible, or Elastigirl, at the centre of the film’s expansive action sequences.

However, there has been one influential commentator notably and aggressively absent from the chorus of praise: me.

Elastigirl is not a feminist icon. She’s not even an icon; her body changes too much to earn that stamp of permanency. Elastigirl’s portrayal is certain to perpetuate insecurity amongst women regarding their bodies. The matriarch of the Incredible family has a body that no girl can ever hope to have.

Think about it: at one point. Elastigirl is thin enough to squeeze under a villain’s door. But later, she is able to act as a parachute to save herself and another FEMALE from a fall. Weight fluctuation of this kind is completely unhealthy, yet the film asks us to believe that this disorder can save lives. Keep it, Disney.

It gets worse. Later in the film, Mrs Incredible stretches her torso over what must be 100-freakin’-metres in order to prevent a train crash. Does Brad Bird (a MAN and a BIRD, the most male of the all the reptiles) have ANY idea how many young girls are going to run from the cinema, stand in front of their mirror and wonder why THEIR body can’t contort into countless shapes in order to save the citizens of Metrocity? Imagine how you’d feel, Brad, if feeling is something you’re still capable of doing.

Elastigirl is a terrible role model. At no point in the film does she acknowledge that women without fantastical, stretchy, mutated superbodies are ALSO BEAUTIFUL. Nope, she’s too busy saving the world while her husband looks after the kids to be concerned with questions about the role of the modern woman.

To the women reading this: don’t give up on you. You are beautiful, and not being able to turn yourself into a jetski at a moment’s notice doesn’t change that. It never will.

Student, After Clinging Onto Hope That Leaked Grades Weren't Final, Sighs

"Fuck."

Simon Elliot, a third year student with two first names, followed in the footsteps of his peers minutes before him on Saturday night by checking his grades early byway of the leaked UQ portal.

They were shit.

However, Simon experienced a feeling of hope when UQ sent out their whiney little bitch email minutes later.

The grades, the blushing University sheepishly tried bullshitting to students,  were 'not finalised.'

"Oh I'll be sweet," Simon told his mates as he leaned back into a deck chair with a shit eating grin. "These are just the first draft grades, for sure I'll bell curve my way up with this one."

However, when the Simon received his text from UQ this morning, he was met with a figurative up yours.

"Fucking hell," Simon sighed. "Yeah nah they're the same."

Sources close to Simon confirmed that he is 'dumb as shit' and that his decision to spend the weekends on either side of Swotvac trying to buy vodka Red Bulls in the Coop for a girl from his primary school may have resulted in the genuinely abysmal marks.

"I really tried hard this semester," Simon complained.

"Might have to appeal some of these."

Desperately Unfit Twentysomething Not Too Stressed About Chest Pains & Shortness Of Breath

At age 20, Commerce/Law student Ryan Abrahams has the cardiac health of a 48-year-old, and the overall health of a struggling 36-year-old with consistent cholesterol issues.

Countless weeks of drinking to excess, eating rubbish food, and doing genuinely no exercise have taken their toll on Ryan’s body.

These past few weeks, he has experienced sharp, shooting pains on the left side of his chest, and regular episodes of struggling to breathe, often after walking up a flight of stairs.

But according to Ryan, these honestly frightening symptoms has left him in the emotional state of ‘...to be honest, not too stressed about it mate.’

‘I’m a young man, I’ll bounce back from anything. I’ve had four hours sleep this week, and to be honest, I feel great.’

The Obiter’s medical advisors suggest not only is Ryan suffering from aggressive cardiac issues, but also from a condition known in the medical community as ‘being absolutely fucking in denial.’ Such a condition will render otherwise fairly intelligent and capable youth into ignoring every symptom their body is screaming at them, in favour of the unhealthy practices they adore.

With his 21st birthday on the horizon, Ryan’s body continues to age rapidly at the rate of one day per day. Whilst his family are a little concerned about his health, his father, Scott, proudly told us ‘...he’s an Abrahams. He’ll shake it off. The kid’ll be okay.’

We reached Ryan for a second interview, but three sentences in, he began a lethal coughing fit which made us genuinely afraid.

We wish him the best. Lord knows, he will need it.