Report: ‘Here’s Trouble’ Rarely Said In Situations Where Trouble Actually Arises

A fascinating report has just been released by the Australian Institute for Verbal Analyses (AIVA), regarding the contemporary use of the phrase ‘here’s trouble,’ amongst Australian-speaking entities.

After several years of comprehensive investigation, cross-referencing data with multiple institutions across the globe, AIVA have found a damining conclusion.

‘Here’s trouble,’ is pretty much never said when there is actual trouble, or concern, or genuine fear.

Unfortunately for those who like their phrases to have direct relation to the situations in which they find themselves, ‘here’s trouble’ seems to be solely applied to situations where the stakes are almost obscenely low. For example, when a friend who drank to excess the previous night turns up unwell this next day, or when someone you knew at school bumps into you at uni and you want to feign the closeness you had some years ago.

Trouble often occurs in everyday life, even when you’re not playing the hit board game ‘Trouble.’ Whether the trouble involve Trump’s collusion with Russia, or awkward social situations, or disobeying your teacher in Year 7, trouble honestly isn’t that hard to come by.

It feels like the odds are that, at a certain point, ‘here’s trouble’ and instances of actual trouble should line up.

What are the odds?!

Pretty slow news day here at The Obiter, anyway, what’s new with you?

Breaking! Kenyan High Court Challenge To Ownership Of The Song ‘Mombasa’ From The Inception Soundtrack

Hot news today coming out of the Kenyan High Court, as Chief Justice David Maraga is set to form a ‘bench to hear’ petition regarding ownership of one of the best songs on the Inception soundtrack: track 7, entitled ‘Mombasa.’

The county and national governments of Kenya have both claimed ownership of the song, with the national government arguing there is a strong public interest in Kenya as a nation having broad ownership over the compelling Hans Zimmer track, whilst county governments are quick to point out the port of Mombasa, on which the song is based, is firmly in their jurisdiction.

The song Mombasa, whilst not employing 7000 people, is an important touchstone for those who are a fan of Christopher Nolan’s compelling blend of sci-fi action and intellectual rhapsodizing. Certainly this case will be followed with keen interest.

Explanation below, for those who aren’t well caught up with current Kenyan news.

Chief Justice David Maraga is set to form a bench to hear petition seeking to place Mombasa port under county government after High Court referred the matter to him. The case has the potential to shake up the relationship between counties and national governments over the control of key economic institutions. Should the petition succeed, the county government of Mombasa would take over management and operations of the port, which employs 7,000 people and generated Sh38 billion in revenue last year from handling goods traded between East Africa, the Great Lakes region and the rest of the world.

Comedic Genius Writes ‘Drug Money’ In Description For Bank Transfer

Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Chappelle, Mike Wazowski are all icons of comedy, but their decades of experience pale in comparison to the simple act of one local legend. Jack Bennett (21), a Commerce/Business Management student with a penchant for Coronas and stolen Netflix passwords, has rocked the comedy world to its very foundations.

What did he do, you ask? How did his razor-sharp wit, and daring style, capture the laughter and adoration of all who appreciate quality comedy? It’s simple. Almost so simple, you’ll ask how you’d never done it before.

After a friend bought him a six-pack, Jack had to transfer that friend $18. The CommBank app shone its yellow light into Jack’s eyes, and cast inspiration into his heart. When the app asked from a description of the humble money transfer, Jack’s chubby thumbs moved to the keypad, delicately typing out those fateful words.

‘Drug money.’

Zinger. By suggesting the financial transfer was in fact for illegal narcotics, and not lager beer, Jack utilised the old art of deception in aid of comedy brilliance.

Who would look at the statement, and notice drug money? The Australian Federal Police? Jack’s Mum? Whomever would gaze upon this statement would be subject to a prank known only to Jack, making him the puppetmaster of prose, the Sultan of satire, the Alpha of absurdity.

Jack is reportedly planning to take this gag on tour, sharing his insight and wisdom with crowds ranging from his friend Tom, who lives in Bulimba, and Mark, who resides in a cupboard under the stairs in Runcorn. Truly a cross-country comedy spectacular!

Reports indicate he has several new jokes prepared, including pressing ‘Enter’ on a friends laptop whilst they’re typing a message in order to make them look like a bit of an idiot, or yelling ‘put your dick away!’ in the background whilst his friends are on the phone.

Hopefully, no more to come.

Out-Of-Touch Police Officer Asks Punters If They’ve Got Any ‘MGMT or DMAs’ On Them

Oh no! A bumbling fool has mistaken the list of Class A drugs being used to train sniffer dogs and instead given them the Splendour line-up, causing fears of chaos and confusion.

Police Lieutenant Greg McMurdo displayed his glaring ignorance of both Police protocol and the youth music scene with this monumental cockup.

Reports are emerging that officers are searching for MGMT which has been imported from the USA and allegedly gives users an ‘electric feel’ and there are concerns about the harmful affects of the drug on KIDS.

DMAs is believed to have been brought to Mullumbimby from production in Sydney.

This is not the first balls-up at the festival, with Victorian Police sending an interstate task force to Byron after believing that they had finally located the troublesome Gang of Youths that has been wreaking indescribable terror on the gentrified streets of Melbourne’s leafy inner-east.

‘Yes. We admit that we did not seek appropriate clarification as to the description of the gang as we were in the midst of jerking ourselves off at the thought of actually getting some proof that these gangs even exist,’ said Chief Commissioner Scott Green.

That’s all For Now.

Splendour Organisers Hire Jon Snow To Protect From Trespassers

With tickets to the popular festival selling out instantly and thousands of punters vowing to jump fences and other security measures in order to gain illegal access to the event, Splendour organisers have decided to try alternative deterrents.

Festival organisers and the Byron Shire Council have spent much of the past week fortifying the perimeter of the showgrounds.

In a statement made by SITG it was confirmed that they had contracted Jon Snow and the Night’s Watch to guard the wall for the duration of the three day festival. In addition, the heads of previous trespassers will be displayed on pikes erected adjacent to the roads leading to Mullumbimby.

The Obiter caught up with BAFTA Fellowship and OBE Nominee Mr Snow as he arrived at Coolangatta Airport this morning.

‘Morning Chaps, you call this winter? Blimey, wouldn’t mind a swim!’

We asked Jon whether he believed that he was prepared for the task.

‘To tell you the truth I was a bit surprised when I was briefed on the job. I’ve been a political journalist for the last four decades but I thought it’s never too late for a sea change so I’m grabbing this opportunity with both hands. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks, especially when they’re offering to pay me 1000 gold dragons, whatever they are!’

Uh oh! It appears that the Splendour organisers weren’t informed that Westeros was a figment of George RR Martin’s imagination. Upon further investigation it appears that the Night’s Watch is just a local LARP troupe, this is awkward.

Foam swords to the ready, gentlemen!

The Word ‘Splendid’ Set To Receive A Massive Boost This Weekend

Splendour In The Grass 2018. A time of music, mischief, and Amy Shark being incredibly sad about vodka sodas, or being friendzoned, or the concept of weekends. But it’s more than just a celebration of the best and worst of Australian culture.

It’s a very exciting time for the word ‘splendid.’ A word that is hardly used for most of the year, but across this precious weekend, will see itself rise through the ranks to be one of the most popular words of the month.

Its home will be the captions of those too hungover, too lazy, or too boring to think of anything actually interesting. It will live below photos of good times, bad times, and blurry photos of a band that was really popular on Tumblr in 2013, but you’re genuinely surprised they’re still playing music in 2018 (see - Vampire Weekend, The Wombats, The Jungle Giants, Ball Park Music, and much, much more).

Poor ‘splendid’ is usually used by British men in movies from the 1940s, and/or your Grandmother describing her thoughts on racially-insensitive comments by Mark Latham. An out-of-touch, rarely-used word, ‘splendid’ tends to dance through life on its lonesome, never desired, never wanted.

Until the geniuses at Splendour realise that ‘splendid’ sounds a bit like Splendour.

It will also be a lucky time for words that rhyme with ‘grass,’ as the great ticketgoers of Splendour turn their comedy flamethrower to such phrases as ‘Splendour In My Ass,’ or ‘Splendour Watching Cars, or even Cars 2 if we feel like it.’

Whilst the enormous highs of this weekend will soon turn to crushing lows for the word ‘splendid,’ we know one thing for sure.

Tell them all I said hi.

‘I Have A Vibrant Social Life,’ Claims Liar Who Pre-Purchased Mekka Wednesday Tickets

A blow has been struck to local 22-year old Kyle Harris’ claims of having a flourishing social life when it was discovered that he had pre-purchased Mekka Wednesday tickets two months in advance.

Kyle was sucked in by the flashy promotional video released by Oh Hello, which somehow paints Doomben, not even Brisbane’s premier racetrack, in the same light as Ibiza. He jumped at the opportunity, purchasing tickets in early June.

The Obiter bumped into Mr Harris as he was making his way around DFO in preparation for the event. We asked Kyle what was in the bags

‘Nah haven’t sorted bags yet, hopefully that sorts itself closer to the date.’

‘No Kyle, your shopping bags,’ we wittily retorted.

‘Oh right these? Just been into Oakley got some sweet new sunnies. Check out my suit, how do ya like the white tie?’

Through extensive research we can confirm a negative correlation between the fulfillment of one’s social life and how early one commits to Mekka Wednesday. A local spokesperson for Oh Hello, Jai Westongate-Frith, had the following to say.

‘Mate, we bloody love it. We can charge punters $150 a ticket to be crammed into a sweaty tent with other geebens, and they lap it up because we’ve convinced them it’s cool!’

Many attendees justify the exorbitant ticket prices by capitalising on their annual Instagram upload. Our analysis has indicated an increase in hashtag popularity over the years, particularly #didntseeahorse or couple shots featuring #pickedawinner.

We wish Kyle and all the other revelers the very best.

Revealed! Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban Was Filmed In Front Of A Live, Bored, Studio Audience

An incredible effort by The Obiter’s investigative team has revealed a secret which will shock Hollywood to its very core. A secret which promises to upend the delicate ecosystem of Harry Potter films.

Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban was actually filmed in front of a live studio audience. The reason no-one ever noticed? The audience was dead silent for the whole film, as it turns out they were just really, really bored by the film.

There’s so much to unpack here that we scarcely know where to begin. For one, The Prisoner of Azkaban is arguably one of the best Harry Potter films, blending darker elements and comedic relief with ease, introducing key characters, all of which was deftly,masterfully captured by Alfonso Cuaron behind the camera.

But none of this was good enough for a studio audience that neither laughed, nor cried, nor gave any reaction whatsoever.

Generally, studio audiences are encouraged to laugh, or react in any way, by production assistants. They seemingly went completely missing for all of the 184-day shoot.

When Hermione punched Draco right in the kisser? Crickets. The sound of silence. Guess they would’ve preferred seeing Shurldon pull a Bazango on The Big Bang Theory.

When Dumbledore informed the gang that a time turner would be able to rectify the difficult situation they found themselves in? No reaction whatsoever. They somehow managed to find the most difficult to impress people in the UK, put them in one room, and then subsequently fail to impress them.

The experiment didn’t last particularly long, as the studio audience was abandoned for the next film, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

No more to come.

‘What Did I Do Wrong?’ Lord Drake Devastated About 2-Week Delay In Carrier Pigeon Messages

Tragic scenes today, as Lord Drake of Toronto remains in an extremely saddened mood about a two-week delay in carrier pigeon messages from a fair maiden he is endeavouring to woo.

Previously, the pigeons were flying thick and fast, as Lord Drake (also known as Drizzy, Drake of Aubrey, or the Degrassi Baron) commenced a whirlwind courtship with a young lady from the neighbouring kingdom of Los Angeles. The Obiter understands Drake had grown to expect at least one carrier pigeon message every three days, if not more.

But then, the pigeons stopped coming. And with each passing day from the most recent reply, the heart of our noble Lord grows more pained with anguish.

His wails from the highest towers have been ringing all around the kingdom, and he has been writing a strange rhythmic poetry regarding his confusion about the maiden’s lack of replies.

“Our love was like a burning flame,
This fair maiden, I daren’t speak her name,
I only loved my bed, my kingdom, and her,
I am a Lord, she makes me feel like a Sir,
But these lack of replies make my soul grow weary,
This parchment is getting stained, why am I so teary.”

— Lord Drake, 2018, from the highest keep.

The above lyrics have been nigh-inescapable for anyone within range of Lord Drake’s ramblings, which if you have Spotify or Apple Music, includes you.

Let us hope, for our sake, he can reach some stability in relationships, and we shall be spared from future gripes.

Qantas Dreamliner High-Fives A Cloud As It Soars Into Majestic Voyage of Sky Sex

Oh yeah. That’s right. Lean back. Relax. You about to read about the Qantas Dreeeeamlineeeeer. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The arrival of the Qantas Dreamliner has creamed the short shorts of the aviation world.

She’s sleek. She’s bold. She’s got two fuck off engines and long, slender wings. She’s a Dreamliner and she knows what she wants and she wants it now.

She wants to fly.

Girl, you know you’re soaring when that Dreamliner licks the runway. Oh yeah you taxi down that tarmac, grinding to the take off.

Dreamliner stops in her tracks, almost daring you to buy her a drink. She winks at the control tower. It’s her turn. It’s always her turn.

Qantas Dreamliner breathes in. Qantas Dreamliner breathes out. And then she takes it off.

Oooooooh yeeaaaaaahhhh faster, faster, faster OH YES! Liftoff.

Qantas Dreamliner seduces her way into the blue balls sky, sultry and sexy as she nibbles on the thinning atmosphere.

You don’t get flying like this with a Boeing. You ain’t ever had a journey like this before.

A cloud wakes up and sees her coming. A playful high-five and cheeky spank for the Dreamliner as she goes higher, riding and riding the wind, back and forth, back and forth.

The majestic, sensual and ever so deep journey into the sexy sky continues. The inflight movie is Ant-Man and The Wasp. The meal is Jatz. This is it. Now you know - you’re fucking the sky.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Go Dreamliner go! Go Qantas! This is the spirit of Australia! Red kangaroo! Alan Joyce ! Alaaaaaannnnn Joooooyce I’d take a creampie on my face to vote yes for you too! YESSSSSSSS DREAMLINER!!!!

The seatbelt sign just got off.

You roll over in your economy seat, hair ruffled. You light a cigarette. You’re told by a flight attendant that you’re not allowed to do that. You bum your cigarette. You a pay a sizeable fine. It’s all pillow talk.

Arrivals. You could say that again.

Thank you, Dreamliner. Thank you for the ride of a lifetime.

Until next weekend, Dreamliner. Dream on.