Wowee! Captain Underpants Just Got MeToo’d!

Big news coming today out of West LA. Beloved superhero, and principal of Jerome Horwitz Elementary School, Captain Underpants, has just been MeToo’d by two passionate investigative journalists, and in many respects, survivors - George Beard and Harold Hutchins themselves!

Beard and Hutchins are now the CEOs of the incredibly successful ‘Treehouse Comix Inc’ media corporation, but today, they returned to their elementary school to reveal the inappropriate actions of a man they trusted enormously.

Captain Underpants.

Turns out you can’t just wear nothing but underpants around children. And even more egregiously, he strips constantly. Constantly! The man could almost be called Captain Stripping, if Captain Underpants wasn’t so bloody accurate!

If he’d rocked up to school wearing underpants, perhaps the case could be made that that was genuinely his approach to uniform and clothing - but he strips! The man strips! This is clear evidence of an intent to expose youth to the naked flesh of a flabby principal/superhero.

Pretty disgusting actions, and we’re sure they will be hammered, as they rightfully should be. For any budding Captain Underpants copycats out there, we have but one message. Don’t you dare.

‘God, The Falls Lineup Is So Shit,’ Thinks Man As He Buys Falls Tickets

‘Yuck.’

‘Fucking yuck.’

Those were the first words to escape the mouth of Rob Copley (22), an Arts/Law student and self-described music aficionado, upon seeing the lineup for 2018’s Falls Festival. He said them loud enough for anyone to hear, hoping desperately someone would ask him for his nuanced, clever take on the comparative disappointment he felt with the lineup.

No-one asked.

But regardless, Rob took to the internet to vent his frustrations about the selection of musical artists. ‘I’ve seen them all before!’ he exclaimed, ignoring the fact that he has loved every act every time he has seen them prior.

‘Amy Shark - yawn!’ he suggested, ignoring the fact that ‘All Loved Up’ and ‘I Said Hi’ are not merely the incredible pop hits that this generation deserves, but are artistic works of such talent and passion that they have brought tears to the eyes of farmers suffering through drought.

However, in spite of his incessant criticism, it’s become fairly apparent that Rob is still going to attend Falls Festival. A message to his group chat, ‘sick one mark,’ started with ‘Fuck, this is shit aye,’ before finishing with ‘Can anyone get me in on the pre-sale?’

Several days later, his hands shaking with righteous anger, Rob picked up his credit card and started typing out the numbers into the payment facility to purchase Falls tickets.

His nimble, feminine fingers danced across the keyboard, glistening with the tears that fell from his eyes over the fact he’d have to spend his New Years’ Eve watching some objectively brilliant bands, masters of their craft, share their work with some random punters from Brisbane.

As he spent the hundreds of dollars, a feeling of true relief washed over him. He had just secured the best of both worlds - the moral indignation of lineup complaining, and the hedonistic joy of watching live music. Some days, it just works out for you.

And today was that day for Rob Copley.

No more to come.

Friends Of Exchange-Bound Student ‘Just Wish He’d Leave Already’ After Fifteen Goodbye Drinks

Frustrations are spilling over this week amongst the acquaintances of second year Arts/Law student Rob Murray (20), whose self-described ‘farewell tour’ continues despite the desperate pleas of its participants.

While spirits remained high for a period, the endless stream of karaoke nights and ‘quiet ones’ at various Brisbane pubs, throughout which Murray imposed an 8 schooner minimum, have taken their toll. According to Murray’s close friend Henry Cairns, the situation has reached breaking point.

“If I have to watch that guy eat yet another ‘one last parmy’ I am going to fucking lose it.”

The departing youth is set to arrive in the UK in a week, but send-offs have allegedly been raging on for almost a month. So intense is his enthusiasm, according to close friends he has offered the floor of his dorm to a number of peripheral acquaintances who were unlucky enough to trigger his seemingly pre-prepared monologue about ‘cultural immersion’. The offerees are yet to make genuine steps to take up this enticing opportunity.

When reached for comment, Murray was quick to preach the virtues of a self-reliant and culturally explorative lifestyle, and quite frankly, this publication agrees with him.

We wish him the best of luck doing pills in Leeds.

Au Pairs Politely Decline Creepy Bald Man’s Invitation To ‘Stay A Bit Longer’

Frantic scenes at the Brisbane International airport as Italian resident Michela Marchisto was attempting to board her flight home. Peter Dutton was seen scrambling through security yelling ‘don’t go, you can stay if you want!’. Ms Marchisto was seen nervously smiling over her shoulder before continuing on with an increased sense of urgency.

Just as we had feared, Peter Dutton is that bloke at Cloudland who buys you a drink and then follows you around all night.

You always seem to want what you can’t have for example, illegal immigrants to permanent residency or bald old men to charming young au pairs. So it comes as a surprise to no one that Mr Dutton has used his position to avoid deporting European au pairs multiple times.

The Obiter caught up with a good friend Georgia (24) who has just come back from a stint au pairing in Switzerland to explain.

‘Yea the trip was fun thanks! The family I was staying with were sooooooo rich, like insane and they took me with them on holidays and stuff.  Yea if I did it again I’d want to meet the family first though, the kids were fine, they loved me. It was just the Dad who was really weird, he would always walk around shirtless and would make some really crude comments.’

We see. Any defining characteristics?

‘Yea he was bald!’

Just as we feared. The Obiter reached out to Mr Dutton who didn’t look too busy.

‘It would have been a bit rough to see these young, fertile females deported to their own country! They haven’t done anything wrong and they’re white.’

‘Where’s A Rom-Com About Crazy Rich White People?’ Asks Someone Who Has Never Seen ‘Love, Actually,’ ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ ‘Notting Hill,’ ‘Valentine’s Day,’ ‘27 Dresses,’ Or Literally Any Movie

Get over yourself, you goose.

Go watch Love Actually.

Genuinely Defeated Man Just Accepts Merlo’s Will Get His Name Wrong

Mike Mason (19), a chirpy Business Management/Tourism student, hails from Townsville, has a broad Australian accent which many find endearing, and an equal number find frustrating and unappealing.

For the most part, neither reaction particularly fazes Mike.

But for the last six months, every single flat white, cappucino, macchiato, or short black (he’s a man of diverse tastes), has come with an ounce of dread, a shot of shame, and two sugars, thanks (for all his diverse tastes, he still has a big old sweet tooth).

Unfortunately for Mike, his broad accent often troubles the staff at coffee institution, Merlo’s (or is it Merlo? Genuinely unsure of how we should phrase it). Whether it’s written down as Mark, Mick, Mic, Merk, Snark, Shark, Flark, or even Swarley, Mike has historically had some fairly consistent struggles with accuracy when it comes to the transcription of names.

But at this point in his university career, after dozens of red faces and awkward explanations of ‘No, actually, it’s Mark - Mark, you see, Mark,’ Mark is pretty much over it. He’s going to cop it on the chin, he’s going to grin and bear it, he’s going to deal with it.

And the next time they get it wrong, instead of a hasty explanation, those downtrodden baristas will be met simply with a wave of the PayPass, an exclamation of ‘Oh, yes, I do actually have a Friends of Merlo card,’ and ultimately, everyone’s day will improve.

Because when it all comes down to it, does it really matter if they get your name right?

*This article has been brought to you by Merlo Coffee UQ - The Committee For Recognition Of The Barista’s Right To Choose (Your Name).

Doctors Pretty Pissed Off By Arrogant Apples

Taking a break on commenting on toothpaste or bowel-assisting vitamins, nine out of ten doctors have today suggested they are pretty frustrated by a growing number of apples who ‘hate doctors.’

‘In a sense, these delicious red and/or green fruits want to ‘keep us away.’ It’s a very odd rationale for fruit, for whom we have always been great supporters,’ said Dr. Stephen Groves, Vice-President of the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners.

Throughout history, doctors and apples have enjoyed a somewhat-tense relationship, although those in the medical community argue they have never intentionally tried to stay away from apples.

However, it does appear to be a pretty fucking big coincidence that, for those who enjoy an apple a day or greater, doctors seem fairly deadset on staying away.

No official statement from the apple community has been released. Nevertheless, a rogue Pink Lady, skin dripping with an air of unbridled arrogance that comes from a sexy nickname like ‘Pink Lady’ (particularly when your real name is Malus domestica).

The Pink Lady suggested ‘Doctors across Australia should be careful… they’ve always tried to stay away from us, but what might happen if we bring the fight to them? Watch yourself, is all I’m saying.’

Trouble brewing. We’ll dispatch a second reporter to investigate.

Saddened Students Mourn The Death Of A S’well With A Little Dent In It

Tragic scenes on this Monday morning mourning.

A crowd of teary onlookers have gathered around the bin on Level 2 of the Law Library (which is really level 1, like c'mon) to mourn the passing of the S'well bottle once happily owned by third-year Business/Law student, Eliza Doyle.

Things were going pretty, ah, swell, in their happy relationship, with Eliza filling her bottle with chilled goodness and the bottle in turn keeping it cool for a nearly-unbelievable 12 hours.

That is, until S'well fell from her bag as she was getting off the bus. There was a sickening ding and angels did sing and shocked cries did fling from the tongue of the young woman. She quickly realised that the fall had left a dent in the bottom making it unable to stand up properly without spilling some of its water wet wet cool goodness.

With that, there was no returning.

A quick funeral and farewell to the S'well saw it being deposited in the bin with all those annoyingly non-recycled Boost juice and Merlos cups.

"It's how he would have wanted to go," said Eliza of her anthropomorphised bottle with a bunch of fronds painted delicately on its outside.

"It's going to take a while to get over this... I might just have a few flings with some plastic Pump bottles, being with those is pretty short lived".

ABC's War on Waste: Return Of The Jedi is available now on iView.

Turnbull Texts Steve Smith: ‘Want To Grab A Beer?’

‘Hey mate, what’re you up to tonight?’ deposed Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has asked former Australian Test Cricket captain Steve Smith in a text sent this afternoon.

‘Not a whole lot mate,’ Smith answered in a concerningly quick reply. ‘Was just going to go down to the nets for a bit but could probably give it a miss. You doing much?’

The leaked conversation paints a picture of two men who, frankly, don’t have a whole lot going on in the next few days.

‘Have you seen Black Panther yet?’ Turnbull queried in a follow up message to the disgraced cricketer, this time on Messenger.

‘Nah but I think it’s out of cinemas now dude.’

‘Ah srs? Smh.’

‘I think we could still catch Ant-Man and The Wasp?’

‘Nah let’s just watch something at home. I’ve actually never seen the Bourne movies.’

‘Oh really? They’re really good.’

‘Yeah I heard. Watch those?’

‘Yeah there’s three of them so probs will be too late to watch all of them.’

‘Do you have work tomorrow?’

‘Oh lol no. Let’s watch them all.’

BEL Faculty Smugly Reminds Peter Dutton About The Risks Of A Re-Mark

Backbench federal politician, and genuinely the shittest fucking bloke, Peter Dutton today learned the harsh risks of applying to the BEL Faculty for a remark after his decision resulted in losing his bid for Prime Minister.

‘I reckon I risk it and back the re-mark,’ Dutton reportedly told his close friends and allies on Wednesday afternoon.

Mr Dutton has told the media that he was fully aware of the risks but really did think he’d get bumped up to the top job on this re-mark.

‘I went up a few votes but still couldn’t scrape into the next bracket,’ Dutton whinged.

At press time, Dutton was checking the Census date to see if he could drop out of Parliament without financial penalty.

More to come.