‘Why Do We Keep Backstabbing Those In Charge?’ Asks Nation Settled By Captain Cook

The Australian people today find themselves grappling with the fact that the country’s federal politicians have again put their jobs and ambition before the good of the country.

The ensuing spectacle has led many Australians to ask themselves an uncomfortable question: how can Australia, a nation founded by way of blatant theft of land from the Indigenous population, be so privy to backstabbing the people in charge?

“It’s just not in our character to take a position from someone who rightfully holds it,” said Damien McGinty, whose distant relative assisted Captain Cook carry out the genocide of the Aboriginal tribes who had nurtured the Australian soil for thousands of years.

The leadership shuffle has confounded Australians across the right end of the political spectrum. “Taking something that doesn’t belong to us is not who we are,” said a white guy we interviewed.

The identity crisis and soul searching of the Australian population will not be easily resolved.

“I reckon someone should do a National Apology to say sorry for the amount of time I wasted refreshing ABC News today,” said a different white guy we interviewed. “It’s unethical.”

At press time, a movie deal was being developed to tell the story of this treacherous time in our nation’s history, entitled ‘Backbencher-Proof Fence.’

Prime Minister Roster Sticky-Taped To Parliament Break Room Fridge

After a hard day of standing outside parliament, The Obiter's political correspondent was snooping around looking for a snack when she made an astonishing discovery. In an attempt to provide some stability to government the Governor General Peter Cosgrove has made a nice little roster and taped it to the fridge.

‘They’ve all proved that they can’t play nicely and learn to share so I had to step in.’

It appears that the top job will be rotated around the parliament in weekly stints.

‘While I was at it I also added a few other jobs that could do with a bit of action around here. Tony’s on dishes this week, I’ve had it up to here with his onion peels around the sink.’

Bill Shorten could be seen peering into the break room asking if it was his go soon.

‘Uhhhh yea sure Bill, why don’t you go play with the other kids… Hey Peter! I’ve warned you already, let Anish into the playground or Scott gets to be PM for a second week in a row instead of you.’

It’s pure chaos down here in Canberra.

‘Yes Matthias you can go pee pee... Fuck me when they said that politics was full of petty immaturity, I didn’t think I'd actually have to treat them like children.’

Dutton Warns He Must Be Made PM Before African Gangs In Ozone Boats Pillage Parliament

“We are running out of time, god darn it,” Queensland conservative Peter Dutton was heard screaming as he sprinted through the halls of Parliament House this afternoon.

Dutton, a contender to become Australia’s seventh Prime Minister in 11 years, has warned his colleagues that a “dark and terrible” plague shall descend upon Canberra if he is not awarded the confidence of his party by sundown.

“I have it on good authority that several fleets of Ozone boats, carrying nothing less than swarms of naughty African gangs, are headed for the capital,” Dutton told the press in a media address earlier today.

“I believe I am the only man who can ward off the carnage and tomfoolery that will no doubt arise if these left-leaning werewolves are to reach the Parliament.”

No major news sources have managed to validate Mr Dutton’s claims. The current Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull dismissed the chatter as “unfounded.”

“What even is an Ozone boat?” Turnbull reportedly asked his remaining allies.  

“And what does Dutton mean when he says these gangs are like plebiscites with legs?”

Despite doubt, Mr Dutton’s warnings have caused furore within the epicentre of federal politics. At press time, citizens of Canberra were seen fleeing their homes, clutching boxes packed with their belongings as they scrambled to leave the city before the “Village People of Somalian death” reached their doorsteps.

Mr Dutton was last seen wearing a plate of armour whilst hanging from the pole atop Parliament.

“These are not the good South African farmers,” he bellowed across the land. “These are the Labor-voting, wage-rising, tax-raising, gun-toting, spear-throwing, bloodsucking goblin folk that I warned of for many moons!”

More to come.

Betoota Advocate Writers Honestly Shitting Themselves With Joy

With the endless political drama unfurling in Canberra, fresh twists unveiling themselves every minute, it’s important to remember the people for whom this is a glorious day: the writers and content creators of satirical publications across Australia, and in particular, the Betoota Advocate.

‘We’re so relieved we don’t have to run another article that says ‘Local Man Is Hungover Again’ or some shit,’ said staff writer Greg Betoota.

‘We can finally sink our teeth into our true bread and butter: highlighting the sheer idiocy and foolishness of our politicians.’

It would not be incorrect to describe today as the best day ever in the life of The Betoota Advocate.

Indeed, some have expressed fears that the typing of their fingers will literally not be able to keep up with the whirring speed of the political satire coming out of their minds, with headlines such as ‘Report: Polliticccians Fckjn Suk Aye’ to be expected over the coming hours.

Meanwhile, at The Obiter, we haven’t come up with any overly fresh takes about the crisis itself, so it looks like we’re resigned to fresh takes on the fresh takes. Criticism of The Guardian’s coverage, anyone?

Malcolm Turnbull Announces $120M Vote On Something Everyone Has Already Decided

Seemingly unsatisfied by his expensive and ridiculous plebiscite on same-sex marriage, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (who is still Prime Minister at the time of writing this article but God we could be proven wrong very quickly) has announced another $120million vote on something everyone already knows the answer to: the viability of his leadership.

It appears Malcolm has a staggering hard-on for logistically-confusing, over-the-top votes on issues that are pretty clear already.

Much in the same way most of Australia could have guessed same-sex marriage would enjoy majority support, the bulk of the country is pretty on top of the fact Malcolm will not be able to command the confidence of his own party, or Parliament, and will subsequently lose his position.

However, brave Malcolm refuses to be deterred. Reportedly, he thought the plebiscite was ‘a bit too convenient, if we’re being honest,’ and wants to encourage LNP party room members to vote on his leadership by using the whistle Katniss does in The Hunger Games at exactly 11.30pm if they wish for his leadership continue.

Somehow, that will cost the nation hundreds of millions.

What the fuck, Canberra?

Malcolm Turnbull Assembles Deathly Hallows Just In Time To Defeat Peter Dutton

The transcript of a private call between Peter Dutton and Tony Abbott this morning has been leaked.

‘The boy has discovered our secret, Tony. It makes us vulnerable. We must deploy all our forces now to find him. And you, my friend, must stay close.’

The Obiter’s political correspondents then heard an address to parliament by Peter Dutton this morning where it was reportedly stated:

‘I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But this is a folly. Give me the Prime Minister. Do this and none shall be harmed. Give me Malcolm Turnbull, and I shall leave Corporate tax rates untouched. Give me Malcolm Turnbull, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour.’

A protective media ban was then cast over Parliament House but it is rumoured that Malcolm was seen asking if anyone has seen his cloak.

Upon defeat Peter Dutton provided this warning as he retreated to the backbench.

‘You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. Every drop of conservative blood spilled is a terrible waste. I therefore command my forces to retreat. In their absence, dispose of your cabinet with dignity.

‘Malcolm Turnbull, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your colleagues to resign for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonour. Join me on Manus Island, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last Man, Refugee and CEO who tries to conceal you from me.’

Scandal! ‘Bachelor’ Contestant Dasha Sent By Vladimir Putin To Infiltrate Australia

It appears that Vladimir Putin has grown tired of playing puppeteer to the free world and has taken on his biggest challenge yet.

In a global exclusive, The Obiter’s Moscow correspondent caught up Mr Putin deep in the Kremlin. 

‘Da, manipulating US presidency was challenge but only practice for greatest test yet’

When asked how he planned on winning the hearts and minds of the Australian populace his answer was simple.

Season 6 of ‘The Bachelor.’

But how?

‘It is simple, I send highly trained KGB agent Igor Dockmanovich, code name ‘Dasha,’ to steal love of Australian sport man.’

And the plan appears to be working, we caught Dasha scurrying around the air vents of the Bachelor mansion, and were able to interview her briefly. She made some intriguing comments about winning the affections of Nick Cummins as the first step toward genuine infiltration.

‘Like taking sugar from infant, I implant tracker while distracting with handstand.’

The plan appears to be working. While the girls sit and discuss Vanessa Sunshine’s villain status, Dasha has made quick work planting bugs in strategic locations around the mansion.

‘I am prepared to kill in order to achieve my objective.’

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, Dasha.

Free Sense Of Entitlement To Be Offered With Each UQ Law Hoodie

In fortunate news for law students at the University of Queensland, and wankers all across the land, the UQLS has announced a little bonus for anyone who elects to purchase a UQ Law Hoodie across this coming month.

No-one will be able to accuse the UQLS of being stingy stinges after it has been revealed that each UQ Law hoodie sold will come with a free sense of entitlement.

Whilst raw, unbridled arrogance and obnoxiousness will cost an extra $20, the air of entitlement will cost punters the princely sum of $0.

Students will have the option to turn down the sense of entitlement, and instead opt for a weird excess of humility to the point where it almost seems like you’re bragging again.

This strange humility will manifest in statements such as ‘I’m studying Law so I can go to the UN and make a difference in the lives of Nigerian telecommunications experts who are trapped in New Zealand, working for wool. I guess I just want to put my talents to use for someone else. It would be so selfish if I dared earn an income for myself, or admitted to myself that I probably chose Law because the money’s pretty alright.’

The free sense of entitlement policy was decided after months of deliberation by the UQLS Management Committee, and after multiple filibusters from the Assistant Under-Secretary to the VP of Sub-Executive Marketing & Communications Direction, the policy passed. It has been celebrated by students across the faculty, although many point out that they will be rich soon, so stuff being free doesn’t carry quite the same weight.

‘I mean, I’ll be earning $100k my second year out of uni, so it’s not like money will be any object,’ said Brett Thistlethwaite, a fifth-year Law student with an assured graduate position with his father’s boutique commercial litigation practice, named ‘Waugh Richardson Blewett.’

‘But it’s so exciting that I won’t have to splurge on an air of condescension and entitlement this year. More money to spend on *not* cocaine!’

Dean Peter Parkinson’s misguided attempt to offer rosary beads with every hoodie was met with derision. He retreated to his Tiny House outside the Art Gallery to continue plotting ways to introduce God and Law for the first time ever.

Dean Parkinson To Ensure ZipTaps In Law Library Dispense Holy Water

As part of a package of Christian reforms brought to the TC Beirne School of Law, new Dean Patrick Parkinson has elected to replace the ‘hot water’ function of ZipTaps with ‘Holy Water,’ hoping the move will encourage heathen Law students to repent.

‘Hot water is the Devil’s work,’ said a spokesperson for the Law school, remarking that ‘Satan often works in mysterious ways. ZipTaps is one of them. But ZipTaps can be reclaimed for the side of the Lord.’

The move is hardly unique, as it follows a directive Pope John Paul II wrote on his deathbed, his papal signature glistening on a piece of parchment that reads ‘Put Holy Water in their S’wells. Save their souls. Ave Maria.’

Whilst the decision has proved controversial in some quarters, most students are fairly comfortable with the rapid Catholicization of the Law Library. ‘God, I need all the help I can get in Contracts B!’ said one first-year student, whilst another said ‘Satan must be weaving his magic in Principles Of Public Law - I don’t understand some elements of the course and it’s definitely not my fault!’

These students have thus welcomed a holier presence in their S’well and/or (inferior) Oasis water bottles.

The mysterious papal figure of Parkinson has been seen wandering the corridors of the Law school, muttering ‘Amo hoc ipsum lex sit amet,’ which is believed to be Latin.

Fascinating scenes! Probably more to come!

Academy Awards Introduce A ‘Most Woke Moment’ Oscar For 2019

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences caused a little bit of a stir with its announcement of a new category for the 2019 Academy Awards, and the controversy is showing no signs of dissipating.

The Oscar for Outstanding Achievement In Popular Film was arguably created to address criticisms that the Academy was growing out of touch, focusing on slow-paced, thoughtful films involving elderly white people doing slow-paced, thoughtful things.

But today, they have elected to hit back even harder on those criticisms. Much like the bus in Keanu Reeves’ masterpiece Speed, this runaway bus of the Oscars becoming politically aware is showing no signs of halting, with the Academy announcing a new category.

‘Most Woke Moment In A Motion Picture.’

A fascinating loophole in the rules for the award has been noted, with the phrasing of the guidelines technically suggesting the motion picture itself doesn’t have to be new, but rather, the woke moment itself must be new. Subsequently, a number of old Hollywood directors have expressed their intention to retrospectively insert woke moments into their old films, hoping to get their hands around the inaugural ‘#WokeOscar.’

Mel Gibson, now a famed anti-Semite and generally insane person, has announced plans to reshoot 1995 winner Braveheart wherein Scottish warrior William Wallace delivers a compelling speech on the importance of unity in the wake of Brexit, whilst decapitating an English soldier.

Similarly, Billy Zane’s villainous character in Titanic will now be given a scene toward the end, wherein he voluntarily flings himself into the water upon realising he is a hateful misogynist. And in very recent news, James Cameron has suggested he will remove the scene where the blue aliens in Avatar bond with their animals in the same way they have sex - not because it would be woke, but because he finally realised that was just an odd fucking element of the movie.

Critics have remarked that the new award is a fairly tokenistic way to encourage more motion pictures to have diverse roles and feature diverse stories, and are reportedly fearful the move will simply encourage cishet white male directors to shoehorn in an inspiring minority.

In response, we’d like to announce the creation of “The Obiter Films,” our new production company, who will be debuting our first film, ‘Women Are The Cat’s Pyajamas, Minorities Are The Bees Knees,’ at Cannes next year.