18-Hour Long UQ Red Heavies Gay Chem Sex Orgy Invalidated By Use Of ‘No Homo’

Reports trickled in Monday morning that the UQ Red Heavies boys were completely straight, with their sexuality remaining unchallenged, after their intense, eighteen-hour long chem sex orgy was invalidated by the collective use of the phrase ‘no homo.’

‘Not that there is anything wrong with being gay,’ stressed several of the boys, moments after screaming ‘no homo!’ at the peak of their erotic climax.

All UQ Red Heavies boys involved in the exhausting, drug-fueled sex session that ended with all twenty five squad members orgasming in unison made it abundantly clear that they had no problems with gay people, and indeed, ‘had gay friends.’

Openside flanker, and experienced orgy participant, Rowan Euens-Sheppard confirmed this for us, in an exclusive comment.

‘I have nothing against gay people at all. But I am completely straight and predominantly attracted to adult women with large breasts that indicate fertility. My participation in an epic, amphetamine-fueled orgy with the boys doesn’t change the fact that I am attracted to hot girls with big, fat asses, not men.’

It is great to see that the boys in the UQ Red Heavies are so comfortable in their sexuality. Their sweaty, oily, tight bodies may have contorted in erotic ecstasy with one another, but their use of the phrase ‘no homo’ comfortably resolves any question marks they may have personally had regarding their sexuality.

If they had not affirmed their straightness immediately following exploding in unison on one another’s chests, it would have been homosexual. But these boys thought about hot girls the entire time which is not something gay men would do, is it?

Some gay men men arguably might have enjoyed the intense, draining orgy - but all the boys involved didn’t enjoy it because they are straight. And they aren’t threatened by homosexuality, it’s just that they are not attracted to men.

UQ Law Dean Patrick Parkinson was not available for comment, but we trust that he would have congratulated the boys on resisting Satan’s homosexual agenda through their devilishly clever deployment of ‘no homo.’

With the rugby season on the horizon, we suspect there will be some more to come! And with five new orgy participants next week, we know for a fact there will be more to cum.

‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ Stuns Rafael Nadal In Shock First-Round Australian Open Victory

Hot off the tails of its recent win at the Golden Globes, Freddie Mercury biopic ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ has stunned tennis commentators and film critics alike with a classy, gritty victory over second-seed, Rafael Nadal, in the first round of the Australian Open.

When the cinematic tale of British rock icons Queen, and their iconic singer Freddie Mercury, first graced screens across the world, fans were raving about its performances, engaging narrative, and a parade of Queen’s classic hits.

But now, as ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ marches into the second round, having defeated Nadal 6-4, 3-6, 7-5 (7-3), 6-2, fans are raving about its powerful forehand, booming second serve, and ability to deftly balance entertainment and real human emotion.

Down a break in the third set, looking at 2-4 after the sixth game, commentators began to doubt whether a flashy first-set performance could be sustained by the blockbuster deep into the match.

Indeed, after initially appearing unsettled playing against a literal movie, Nadal had found some composure, stringing together some truly vintage Rafa shots.

Yet, digging deep, and perhaps summoning the memories of being an outright underdog at the Golden Globes, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ fought back, breaking the Spaniard and holding serve until a tiebreak at 6-5, won with class and composure by the brilliant biopic some have criticised for glossing over Mercury’s sexuality.

In the second round, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ will face Australian Matthew Ebden, but with one eye on ‘A Star Is Born’ lurking in the fourth.

With bated breath, there’s every chance ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ could be taking on ‘If Beale St Could Talk’ in the final, with both participants drawn on opposite sides of the draw. However, a tough semi-final against Federer would loom should ‘That Movie About Queen That Your Parents Loved’ make it that far.

Plenty more incoming.

Whoops! Dorky Dad Texts Family Group Chat Asking ‘Who Fucking Tonight?’

What a blunder! A local dorky dad, in an awkward little moment, has just sent the family group chat a text which reads ‘So… who fucking tonight?’

Dad! That’s so frickin’ embarrassing, seriously!

Craig Bronson (51) is your classic dorky dad. At his 50th, he sung ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads,’ with his brother on acoustic guitar, and had the audacity to follow that up with a verse of Daryl Braithwaite’s ‘The Horses.’

Craig is so dorky, he used to stand at the school gates and yell ‘I love you!’ to his two loving, but embarrassed, children, Kristy and Mark. Dorky Craig even stood on the sidelines during his son’s cricket matches, yelling out dorky comments like ‘Move your feet to the pitch of the ball!’ and ‘Don’t worry if you get out, there’s still meatloaf for dinner, kiddo!’

But dorkiness has been taken to a new level with this silly little blunder. Um, Craig, ever heard of a facepalm? Might want to try one right about now!

‘Didn’t realise it wasn’t ‘kosher’ to ask who’s fucking tonight anymore,’ said Craig, sheepishly.

‘When did my kids suddenly decide they were too old for Dad to ask them if they were fucking tonight? I sure as shit still text my Dad every time I’m about to let my wife sex me up. And yeah - he sends me a winky emoji back!’

‘And yeah, sometimes he asks for pictures. But that’s classic Dad and child stuff! Anyway, I know my kids are embarrassed about the text. But the question still stands - who’s fucking tonight?’

As Craig continued to ask us if we were fucking tonight, we slowly left the interview (the answer also being an obvious no - we’re an online satirical magazine, we don’t have functioning genitals).

Redfaced Kristy and Mark couldn’t be reached for comment, but we reckon it might be scrambled eggs in the Bronson household tomorrow morning, made from the egg on Craig’s face!

What a goose! Who’s fucking tonight, Craig? You’re fucking up your chances of a normal text to the family group chat. Dads, am I right?

More to cum.

Hip New West End Cafe Turns Out To Be Confused Italian Grandmother’s Kitchen

In a disappointing turn of events, a groovy new cafe which opened in Brisbane’s West End last week has been revealed as the kitchen of a confused, generous Italian grandmother.

Valentina Alfonsi (71) has lived in West End since arriving on Australia’s shores at the tender age of 11. Like many European immigrants to Brisbane, she infused her own culture and heritage with that of Australia’s, making dishes for her extended family which deftly blend fresh, local ingredients, and traditional Italian methods.

However, those dishes have recently proved an enormous hit with West End’s yuppy, hipster crowd, who have found themselves on Sunday mornings sitting in Alfonsi’s kitchen, enjoying her hospitality.

Steven Davies (23), an Architecture student and owner of mildly famous left-wing Twitter account ‘Sorry For Flexing On Peter Dutton,’ wandered into Alfonsi’s kitchen one day, and noting the decor and the dishes bubbling away on the stove, assumed it was a niche new breakfast hotspot.

After immediately texting his breakfast group chat, ‘thank u, next (breakfast place pls),’ he took a seat in Alfonsi’s dining room, and waited for the menu that never came.

Instead, the befuddled Alfonsi assumed Steven must’ve been one of her grandson’s friends, and whipped him up a feast fit for a king. When seven friends rocked up, Alfonsi kept cooking. And cooking. And cooking.

For the last three months.

We spoke with Steven about how he could make such a genuinely absurd mistake.

‘I don’t know, I just saw the eclectic mix of steel water cups, stovetop coffee, and a quirky, yet homely interior, and I just assumed it was a great place for an hungover yet hip breakfast.’

‘Which wasn’t technically wrong. Nonna Alfonsi makes a mean smashed avo on foccacia with cracked black pepper and garlic-roasted tomatoes.’

Seemingly unfazed by the lack of physical payment options, customers of the affectionately-named ‘Brown Door Cafe,’ as they have started to call it, have all assumed the payment method is planting a tree in Alfonsi’s front-yard.

‘Yeah, it’s pretty common for these breakfast collective places to forgo physical payment and promote the planting of trees in local hotspots,’ said Steven’s friend and one-time lover, Sara Groff (22), referring to a practice we’re pretty fucking certain doesn’t exist.

Hopefully no more to come for the beleaguered Nonna Alfonsi. Although, we’re actually getting a bit peckish, I wonder if she’s on UberEats?

I’ll ask.

‘Hitler Used Taxpayer Money To Attend Nazi Rallies!’ Claims Defensive Fraser Anning

After confirming that he used taxpayer funds in order to attend a neo-Nazi rally in Melbourne, Queensland senator Fraser Anning has launched a defence which can only be described as bizarre, claiming that ‘Adolf Hitler used oodles of taxpayer money to attend Nazi rallies, and no-one batted an eyelid.’

‘In fact, not only did he attend these rallies, he often organised them - which must’ve cost even more taxpayer money!’

The senator, who has been exiled from both Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party and the Katter Australia Party for being an inappropriate fit with their ideologies (as neither party is overly keen on Nazis), took advantage of the generous travel entitlements afford to parliamentarians to catch a flight to St Kilda beach to be a part of the right-wing rally.

After facing substantial public criticism earlier in the year for his use of the phrase ‘the final solution’ in literally his first speech to Parliament (start with a bang, hey F-Dog), Anning refrained from any Hitler comparisons.

But the accusation of misusing taxpayer funds seems to have struck him harder than the accusation that he supports neo-Nazi views, hence leading to the imaginatively-named ‘Hitler’ defence.

In an exclusive with The Obiter, Anning revealed this was part of a carefully-constructed master plan to get the mass media off his back.

‘See, all they care about is the taxpayer money. And if I can prove other notable public figures used taxpayer money to attend neo-Nazi events, then I can’t imagine anyone will take issue.’

What a gun. Proud day to be a Queenslander.’

Local Woman Cites Shitty Ex-Relationship As ‘Unpaid Internship’ To Beef Up Resume

Times are tough. Fourth-year Business Management/Communication student Lucy Lee has found herself a semester away from graduation without a single internship for her resume. The sparse document is littered with references to summer jobs at sandwich shops, and ‘Tutoring for five years,’ but unfortunately, no internships for her to rely on.

How will she prove to hungry businesses that she has what it takes to serve in her role as a Business Management/Communication specialist?

Luckily for Lucy, one year ago, she was involved in an 18-month relationship with a young man (although many prefer the term ‘fuckboy’ for this particular gentleman) whose conduct bordered on deranged, and often made Lucy’s life a living hell.

However, the dreadful relationship undoubtedly taught Lucy time management, organizational competence, interpersonal conflict management, and how to suffer in silence, all for free. In short, a perfect unpaid internship!

HR professionals have often described spending your early 20s dating a shithead as ‘gaining experience in an adverse environment,’ and ‘learning on the go.’

And certainly teamwork was crucial, as Lucy not only had to deal with her lazy, manipulative ex, but his mother, who believed her son could do no wrong, and Lucy was ‘ungrateful for his love’ every single time she breathed a word of criticism. In many respects, the firms Lucy is applying for are the ‘Mumma’s Boys’ of the PR world, so this unpaid relationship internship is looking more suitable by the minute.

Warming up her fingers for a three-minute session of editing her resume, Lucy could feel the inspiration flowing.

Her resume thus read:

    2016        Tutoring

    2017        Relationship with objective dingus (unpaid internship)

    2018        Community service with Orange Sky Laundry

Her LinkedIn profile is being updated as we speak.

More to come in Lucy’s thrilling saga.

Wounded Cricket Fan Pins All Hopes On Nick Kyrgios

The Australian Open is set to commence on Monday, so expect Rod Laver Arena to be humming with the highs and lows of triumph and defeat, and the groans and grunts of professional tennis players competing to determine who can deliver the most off-putting ‘NYEGHHHHUHHH!’ after a pretty pedestrian forehand.

But for Rob McKinnon (20), an injured, despondent fan of the Australian cricket team, the Australian Open means so much more than two weeks of Grand Slam action. It’s the site of his last great hope.

World No. 35, and Australian bad boy, Nick Kyrgios.

As Tim Paine’s men lost 2-1 to India, and as the tears began to stream down McKinnon’s face, his mind began immediately searching for the next source of sporting inspiration.

For countless summers, he’s been able to rely on the cricket team crushing a revolving door of high-class opposition including New Zealand (2-0), Pakistan (3-0), and a spirited West Indies outfit (2-0). So it hasn’t really mattered that a revolving door of promising young Australian tennis players have been crushed by international superstars.

Until now.

‘I think it’s Nick’s year, if we’re being honest,’ said a shattered Rob in an exclusive interview (admittedly, it’s not as if anyone else was lining up to interview him, but still, we’ll live).

‘Cricket? Don’t care, mate. If a booming Kyrgios serve doesn’t make you excited for summer, I don’t know what will. Except for maybe a beer or three! Ha ha ha.’

Rob continued to chuckle as those chuckles slowly turned to choked sobs, and then back to chuckles. Best of luck to Kyrgios, but by God would it be good to have Steve Smith back.

Returning Office Worker Shocked To Discover No-One Cares About Falls

For Catherine Inglis-Howell (23), the three nights and four days she spent at Falls Festival, Byron Bay, were nothing short of transcendent.

Ending 2018 and beginning 2019 with a mecca of music and munted 27-year-old bodybuilders in muscle tees provided Catherine with boundless enjoyment, and what felt like great, timeless stories of debauchery.

But unfortunately, returning to her day job in accounting today, she has rapidly learnt that the downtrodden accountants she calls colleagues have marginally less interest in seeing DMA’s play their 2014 hit ‘Delete’ than once expected.

Particularly for those who have been working since the 2nd, hearing a bright young twenty-something unpack their thrilling, sunny experience, is nothing short of agony. Whilst the bitterness was palpable, Catherine certainly didn’t help herself.

‘No, but seriously. Catfish And The Bottlemen were incredible. Like, seriously, almost spiritual. No, of course I haven’t checked my emails yet, I’m starting each day by sipping on my flat white and reflecting on whether Anderson Paak is brilliant, or incredible.’

‘Who am I kidding - he’s both!’

Settling back into the world of spreadsheets and 3pm coffees being the highlight of the day, Catherine has found herself humming a bizarre mashup of ‘Lay Down’ by maestro Touch Sensitive, and Vance Joy’s ‘Lay It On Me,’ in a fresh little invention she calls ‘Lay It On Me Down,’ as opposed to the far more obvious ‘Lay It Down On Me.’

As the frequency of the Falls stories decrease, the admirable commitment in perfecting a ‘January 2019’ playlist dominated by the songs heard across that weekend increases.

Play on, and play hard, Catherine. We need hope now more than ever.

Man Complaining About ‘Brisbane’s Steamy Weather’ Seemingly Forgetting He’s Currently Engaged In A Full-Blown Orgy

A local man posting a Facebook tirade against Brisbane’s ‘steamy, humid weather’ has clearly forgotten that his sweaty, nude body is presently engaged in a pretty intense orgy in a rather small bedroom.

Aaron Parsons (37), a Masters student in Erotic Architecture (we also doubt this is a real Masters, but he swore it was genuine), took to Facebook this morning, with the external temperature in the CBD reaching thirty degrees celsius, to air his grievances about the ‘steamy, moist, sticky conditions.’

His seventeen Facebook friends remained largely silent in response, with the vast majority of them already participating in the orgy, and hence not overly interested in Facebook weatherposting. His Aunt replied, however, commenting that Aaron was ‘telling it like it is.’

Laying the blame for his present ‘steamy’ conditions at the feet of Brisbane’s weather is bizarre at best, given that engaging in complex eroticism with other consenting adults is a fairly sweaty activity at the best of times.

Aaron’s slippery, sweaty body might make him uncomfortable, but if we’re being honest, he shouldn’t really be surprised. Orgies in Budapest during winter are often equally steamy, indicating the issue with his present weather conditions is probably more to do with his physical activities than Brisbane.

At the end of the day, don’t blame this beautiful city which has given you so much, Aaron. Be above that.

Hopefully, no more to come.

Local Student Realising He Truly Fucked Up By Not Listening To 'Teacher’s Pet'

“Yeah I’ve fucked this.”

Local UQ student Aaron Galls is a podcast fanatic.

“I haven’t listened to a song in months!” Galls smugly told The Obiter. “I even use Overcast! Blue apron, am I freaking right? Haha. You know what I’m talking about.”

However, despite his passion for pods, Galls has been known to adopt a snobbish dismissiveness when it comes to Australian podcasts.

“Yeah it’s cute that Australians make them,” Goss explained. “And I like the occasional Hamish & Andy as much as the next podball,” (this being an extremely shit collective noun Galls coined in his podcast group chat, ‘The Pod, The Whole Pod, And Nothing But The Pod’).

“But for me, it’s got to be a bit more of an intellectual offering. Pod Save America, No Such Thing As A Fish, Serial. You know, serious journalism?”

So when the Australian true crime series The Teacher’s Pet dropped, Galls was quick to pass over it.

“Aussie true crime? Yeah, try again, Underbelly radio. Lel. Nailed ‘em”

Even as the podcast topped US charts and sparked a global phenomenon, Galls held his ground. “I just cannot imagine how it would be good.”

But after today’s news that Chris Dawson, the subject of the series, has been arrested for murder, Galls has shown his first signs of doubt.

“Fuck, maybe I’ve missed out on something big here.”

Galls spent Wednesday attempting to convince his group chat that he had in fact listened.

“Nah, come on Podballs, you know me! Of course I listened! It’s so gritty and stuff.”

At press time, Galls was frantically listening to the series on double speed while drinking a Red Bull.