God Confirms Shithouse QLD Origin Performance Punishment For Senator James McGrath’s Existence

Struck down thirty-eight points to six on a windswept, rainy pitch in Perth, Queenslanders could probably be forgiven for finding themselves wondering whether the Mighty Maroons’ uncharacteristically shithouse performance against New South Wales last night was somehow an act of divine punishment.

Following an in-depth investigation by the team at The Obiter, we can sadly confirm that there is more to these initial suspicions than one would expect. 

A spokesperson for God, the Archangel Gabriel, confirmed to us this morning that The Lord, Creator Of All Things and Ruler Of The Universe, struck down the state’s beloved rugby league team in Perth last night with a case of the absolute shits following Queensland’s repeated failure to heed His dire warnings to turn away from sin lest they incur His divine wrath. 

The Archangel Gabriel cited God’s fury at the Queensland State Government’s approval of the Adani coal mine project as one factor behind his decision to smite the state, although he’s famously ambivalent about the chirpy little annoying black-throated finch, but confirmed to us that Queensland LNP Senator James McGrath’s continued unholy existence played an even larger part in God’s thinking. 

‘Honestly, Our Heavenly Father is fucking pissed that the people of Queensland seemingly listen to that vapid, stupid prick,’ confessed Gabriel.

‘I mean, just look at the little dopey little runt, he looks like a smurf, he’s not exactly in shape, is he?’ asked the Archangel Gabriel rhetorically. 

Later, he was able to confirm to us that the Lord God YHWH trembled with the rage of ten trillion fiery suns every single time the conservative senator, famous for his support for privatizing the ABC in order to stick it to ‘latte lefties,’ took a breath. 

At press time, God’s booming, thundering voice rang out through the state of Queensland, warning that for every continued second Senator James McGrath spent existing he would smite not just the Maroons, but the entire state. 

Warning of plagues and pestilence, he threatened to go throughout the state, killing the firstborn son of every household.

‘There will be loud wailing throughout Queensland—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again.’ We can only assume he’s referring to the Great Wailings of Caxton St should we lose the decider in Sydney.

More to come.

'I'm Going Dry July,' Says Post-Global Warming Planet Earth

‘Yeah, to be honest I’m just over the whole drinking scene, and having any sort of moisture or water capable of sustaining life,’ confessed Planet Earth over a couple of beers last weekend.

‘This might be my last weekend with you boys,’ suggested the large planet, who had clearly been hit pretty hard by the previous weekend, with the Adani coal mine being approved, and Tyson’s 21st being a fucking rager.

Dry July is a popular month for alcoholics, health freaks, the nerds, and anyone who wishes to challenge themselves, but this year, it’s expanding beyond just cutting back on your consumption of Furphys. This year, a planet is getting involved!

While friends of Planet Earth says the full-throated commitment to Dry July has been a long time coming, as the damage done over countless years has been almost too much to bear, this is a quiet pocket of contrarian mates who reckon Earth is ‘being a fucking pussy,’ and ‘is completely fine.’

Despite Earth regularly complaining to its mates that it is rapidly losing the ability to support intelligent life, and is literally burning, these comments fall on the deaf ears of blokes who reckon Izzy Folau has been the victim of the most brutal abuse of human rights since that funny bloke talking about a succulent Chinese meal was taken from a restaurant.

Haha, classic one, fellas.

Whilst the month-long Dry July experience has proved rewarding to some, Earth fully expects to keep the commitment to keeping it ‘dry’ unless there are some serious changes in the behaviour of those around him.

For those looking for a loophole, note the premise of Dry July doesn’t actually exclude the consumption of Canadian Club & ‘Dry,’ with it literally being in the name of the popular pre-mixed drink. The more you know, we guess.

No more to come.

'They Won Because They Wanted It More,' Says Player Forgetting They Also Scored More Points

In the wake of Queensland’s devastating loss to the Blues in Origin II, some serious questions are going to be asked about why a Maroons team with such promise and potential were so comfortably beaten 38-6, on a rain-soaked night in Perth.

But complicated explanations regarding team personnel, skills, execution, and ability to adapt to conditions have been swept away by five-eighth Cameron Munster’s simple explanation of ‘they wanted it more.’

That’s it. That’s the only possible reason the NSW Blues could’ve won last night. They wanted it more. Looking at the scoreboard, it’s abundantly clear they wanted it over six times more. For those seeking to understand how a team with a star-studded lineup of Ponga, Munster, and Tim Glasby could lose so handily, all they need to do is look at who ‘wanted it.’

However, a controversial alternative explanation has begun to rock the rugby league community, with some figures claiming the Blues won because they scored more points.

Sorry, what?

These coastal elites are reportedly making the claim that NSW were able to beat Queensland because they placed the ball over the tryline more than Queensland did, scoring four points for each time they successfully did so, and further, they kicked the ball between the posts more often, scoring two points each time that occurred.

This flies in the face of our accepted logic and wisdom, which suggests games are decided by a simple matter of ‘want.’

There will be some serious soul searching in the rugby league community this week, as many seek to grapple with the idea that a team can lose a game purely by virtue of scoring less points than the opposition, rather than simply by wanting it that little bit less.

Some true loony conspiracy theorists have even suggested that concrete metrics like missed tackles and play-the-balls in the opposition 20 are to blame, rather than the far more relevant intangibles like ‘courage’ and ‘desire.’

Let’s eradicate this snooty intellectual influence on the game before it’s too late, and the nerds decide they can play the game.

No more to come.

Civil Procedure Exam Just Another Two Hours To Plan Europe Itinerary

Rule 5 of the UCPR? More like, shot 5 at the Eu-CP-Bar! (That's a bar in Barcelona)

Exam block is nearing a close, coming towards us like the bloated remains of a whale washing up on popular beaches, only to be pushed back out to sea to return next semester, stinking of rot and feasted upon by sharks and people who still seem to live in the Bio Sciences Library over the holidays.

As we wave goodbye to the whale we herald the arrival of July and you know what that means - the mass exodus of Brisbane population aged between 18 - 25 to the sun-lit fields of Europe! Yaaas, spleen!

One hurdle remains (or remained, depending on when you read this): that old nasty LAWS5215 Civil Procedure exam, sitting happily on 8am on the last Friday. Ewwww.

But you know what this bloody exam really is? Aside from something about applications, case management, UCPR, commencement (I'm just reading off the table of contents of a friend's notes) - its another two hours to plan your awesome Europe trip! We know you've booked your flight for straight after the exam like some cool cool kid, so better get planning!

Question 1 - Was this document under legal professional privilege? More like, at what point in my five week adventure will I get professional massage in the heated steamy saunas of Finland under the experienced hands of Hans Korhonen?

Question 2 - In what court should these proceedings start? More like, in what tennis court should I be watching the tennis? Is there tennis in Europe? Another thing to plan out!

Question 3 - List the various principles for amending pleadings laid out in AON v ANU. More like, go to Europe. Yas, R v De Silva.

Europe is going to be amazing, and with two hours plus 10 minutes reading time, you'll have the whole trip ready to go before you can say, 'I really should have printed out the whole UCPR.’

Final Legal Prof Exam Focuses On Identifying When Your Coke Dealer Is Ripping You Off

It can often be frustrating for students when material on the final exam bears little resemblance to material presented in the lectures.

But at 8am this morning, when bleary-eyed Law students wandered into the exam room, only to see four separately-packaged grams of cocaine with different prices labelled on each bag, it became rapidly apparent this exam was going to be a true introduction to the legal profession.

The Week 6 topic of duties of confidentiality was pretty clearly canvassed in this final exam, with a piece of paper on each desk that read ‘don’t fucking snitch.’ Similarly, the duties of billing ethically were at the heart of the problem question, which asked each student to ‘identify if your coke dealer is ripping you off.’

The Obiter was able to gain an exclusive interview with one of the men responsible for assigning this powerful ode to high-flying legal professionals with a penchant for a bit of snuff.

'We thought it was a pretty comprehensive introduction to ethics and the legal profession, if we're being honest,' said a tutor who will remain nameless, but if we were going to nickname him, we would call him 'Joaquin Phoenix's The Coker.'

‘Lawyers are often asked to deal with conflicting loyalties and duties, and we thought that was effectively represented through having students faced with conflicting price values and attempting to dutifully determine whether they were being ripped off.’

This deranged final examination is still arguably better than what is in store for Property A tomorrow, where students will reportedly be asked to visit a house in a lower socioeconomic area, and forcibly evict a tenant while screaming ‘Indefeasibility of title!’ in the face of their tear-stricken victim.

Truly disturbing stuff. Can’t wait for a beer at the Red Room afterwards, though.

More to come.

‘This Is Not What I Had In Mind For Pride Month,’ Says Man Being Devoured By Pride Of Lions

Woohoo! You know what month it is. It’s Pride Month, and that means celebrating sexual diversity in all its various, beautiful forms, and celebrating the people who have made a difference to the rights and freedoms of LGBTQIA+ worldwide. And somehow, Pride Month is also about Taylor Swift co-opting a movement to sell records, and corporations coming very late to the party of ‘human beings should be treated like human beings.’

But Pride Month can mean very different things, to very different people. And that’s okay! But for Alex, a young man currently being devoured by a pride of shockingly hungry lions, Pride Month may not be the happiest moment of his life.

Ouch! That’s gotta hurt. Lions have teeth, and claws, and the will to tear him apart limb from limb and feast on his delicate spleen!

At press time, Alex was screaming as the pride mauled him alive and ate his innards while he was still conscious of everything happening to him and able to feel the extraordinary pain of being ripped apart. Still nothing compared to the pain of his friends watching on, but still pretty horrible.

Alex was not available for questions, but we at The Obiter imagine he would have said something along the lines of ‘AGGGGGGGHHHHH! THE PAIN! This is not what I had in mind for pride month at all!’

God, we hope he is put out of his misery soon!

No more to come.

‘It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint,’ Says Student Who Still Hasn’t Watched A Lecture

‘It’s all about pacing yourself,’ said self-proclaimed academic guru and proud holder of a 5.1 GPA, Tom Roberts (21). ‘You can’t burn out too early, doing too many readings and notes and all that wack shit,’ he muttered, watching his ninth straight episode of The Chernobyl Diaries (the spinoff sitcom).

‘It’s a marathon, not a sprint.’

Tom has had a comparatively mild run of two exams across two weeks this exam block, but he still insists on telling anyone and everyone who is unfortunate enough to fall within earshot that it’s all about studying ‘smart,’ not hard.

But sources close to Mr Roberts have revealed the truly dire nature of his academic position.

With the Property Law A exam coming up this Friday, Tom’s failure to watch a single lecture or read a single case is likely to bite him in the phat ass, not least of all when he tries to spell ‘indefeasible.’

‘He’s genuinely pretty fucked for it,’ reported Tom’s tutorial acquaintance and sometimes friend, Aneka Petrou (20). Discussing the time she heard Tom gloating about not having even cracked the spine on the textbook, she revealed he ‘doesn’t have a clue what a textbook is,’ (a possibly unreasonable call, but who are we to judge).

Even if we took Tom at his word, the fact this is a marathon still means some running should be done. Although, for everyone’s sake, we hope it’s not one of those funny marathons where someone who has trained for four straight months just deadset shits themselves with 2 kilometres to go and can’t run anymore.

So funny.

Tom’s seminar leader (or what the wizened fourth-years would describe as ‘tutor’) claims that Tom’s complete lack of engagement in the class is likely to cause him ‘severe pain when he reads the six-page problem question.’ But then again, academics are massive nerds, and they read for the fun of it, so what would they know?

Only time would tell, and if time could talk, it would probably say things like ‘Hey, I’m Time - can I buy you a Belgian pale ale?’

Truly fascinating scenes here. More to come.

Scientists Confirm That Aliens Built The Food Pyramids

An independent study conducted by scientists at Infowars has today revealed the shocking truth of the construction of the first food pyramids. According to the lead researcher Lachlan James, the report presents ‘overwhelming evidence’ that the dietary structure was assembled by aliens.

While the pyramids have long been thought to have been built by hundreds of thousands of slave dieticians, the new research suggests that extraterrestrials built the structures out of a sick Martian desire to see some fuckin’ hot slim human bodies mmhmm.

Questioned on the scientific method leading to the discovery, James explained that his team decided to shine a black light upon the monument in an effort to examine the structural integrity of sometimes foods. However, the blacklight revealed something much more significant: a message written in invisible ink reading ‘Hey, Aliens here. We did this.’

Carbon dating showed this message to be written circa 1974, which is exactly the period that the food pyramid is generally regarded to have been built.

In the wake of the discovery, declassified documents from the American Dietary Association (ADA) have revealed an institutional coverup of the true origins, as would-be whistleblowers were silenced by way of force and law enforcement were paid off to turn a blind eye.

Once again, our government has failed us.

More to come.

Chronic Back Pain: Were You Carrying The Team, Or Trying To Suck Your Own Dick?

We’ve all suffered from chronic back pain at one point in our lives. The soreness in the spine, the stiffness in the mornings, and the constant sense that you’re only ever one Nurofen away from a complete breakdown.

But what most people struggle to understand is that there are only two things which can cause chronic back pain - carrying the team, or trying to suck your own dick.

They both place slightly different stresses on the spine, as we learnt in consultation with our local physio, a man who has a slightly inflated sense of his own importance (to paraphrase a former Prime Minister, ‘no-one ever survived a heart attack because they had their quads massaged’).

‘Well, carrying the weight of the team upon your shoulders places a unique downward pressure on your upper vertebrae, leading to chronic pain and also a great sense of pride, knowing you’ve carried the team when you had to,’ said Dr Brian Grant AO (The Obiter’s physio).

‘Whereas you curve your spine and put a unique stress on it trying to suck your own dick.’

Dr Grant recommended against the controversial rib-removal procedure for those trying to perform fellatio on themselves, but what does he know - he hasn’t heard of my brother’s friend’s cousin who swears he did it, 100%.

There is certainly an interesting gendered aspect to this discovery, as cisgendered women are unable to fall victim to the second cause of chronic back pain - leading to the implication that all back pain suffered by women is as a consequence of their ability to carry the team.

Which is, admittedly, not all that surprising. Plibersek’s been carrying the ALP for years. The Veronicas have been carrying Australia’s contribution to gay anthems. Angela Merkel’s been carrying a gentle balance of nationalism and commitment to multiculturalism.

But for all of us frickin’ fellas who have stretched-out spines from trying to pleasure our phalluses (or phalli?), know that hope isn’t around the corner, and professional help should be sought.

But not from Dr Grant, he says he ‘doesn’t do that any more.’

No more to come, in any way shape or form.

U2 Inconveniently Debuts New Album In Your Living Room

In a move reminiscent of their shock arrival in our iTunes libraries in 2014, Irish rock superstars U2 have debuted their latest album, ‘The Hands That Built A Republic Of Saints,’ also known as ‘Zooperstar,’ in your living room at your house in Taringa.

That’s right, Australia! Armed with the expansive guitar sounds of The Edge, the rhythmic foundations of Larry Mullen Jr on drums, the driving melodies of Adam Clayton on the bass, and the plaintive wail of Bono’s lyrics, U2 have wandered into your living room while you were trying to watch Tom Gleeson be a sanctimonious prick on Hard Chat, and just sort of started playing.

It was weird when they unplugged Mum’s Thermomix to plug in their amps, and even weirder when Bono began the new album with a Prayer For Peace Among Thermomix Owners Worldwide.

Perhaps he’d pre-empted Mum getting angry and trying to sackwhack Adam Clayton, failing only because of the power of his basslines in an updated version of ‘Where The Streets Have No Name,’ about a world where everyone is vegan, called ‘Where The Meats Have No Fame.’

But the weirdest part of the evening was when Bono asked for peace and silence during the album’s closer (as if you were going to be talking over the rock icon), before turning off every light in the house to ‘set the mood’ for ‘My Mother’s Hands (Sudanese Blessings).’

The album is currently difficult to review, as critics weren’t at your house to hear it. But with U2 promising to visit every house in Brisbane’s outer suburbs to play the new album, you can be damn sure Gladys from Coorparoo is going to have a flaming hot take.

No more to come on this idea which would have made so much more sense to post in 2014.