‘More Words, You Fools!’ Furious Sean Tran Screams At Staffers Writing His Next Facebook Post

UQLS Presidential Candidate Sean Tran has reportedly exploded at his post-writing staff this afternoon.  

Aides, who wished to remain anonymous for fears of internal punishment, revealed to The Obiter that Mr Tran’s outburst came after staffers returned a draft for his next post in the Facebook event.

Upon realising that the post clocked in at a measly 3200 words, Mr Tran picked up the staffer’s laptop and hurled it into the wall of his headquarters.

‘He went full Social Network,’ one witness confirmed.

‘What the FUCK am I supposed to do with this?’ Mr Tran bellowed in the young aide’s face.

‘Is this the trivia question for a fucking Fantail? It needs to be at least… three times longer than this!’

‘And where are the fucking emojis?!?! Dot points are for Martin!!’

According to those present, the presidential candidate berated the staff for the better part of 45 minutes before sitting down to smash out eight more posts himself.

‘This Tales of the Beedle and the Bard bullshit has got to go,’ Tran spat while typing furiously. ‘This is Harry Potter 5 bro. Long and boring. If you want to write comics go work for Omar,’

More to come.

Martin Doyle Pledges To Champion Nineteen-Pillar Evolution Commitment Built On Foundation Of Mega-Advocacy

UQLS Presidential candidate Martin Doyle has delivered a policy proposal that has left law students wanting more. Namely, more of an explanation.

‘As President,’ Doyle announced on the Forgan Smith stairs to passers-by and an ibis, ‘I will commit to you today to deliver and foster a commitment to the championing of a commitment to install and deliver a nineteen-pillar evolution commitment that I commit will be built and based on a solid foundation of mega-advocacy.’

 ‘That is my commitment to you.’

 The announcement comes as the three-way race for UQLS President tightens ahead of Wednesday’s AGM. Regardless, Mr Doyle says he has not been panicked by the pressure of the campaign.

‘I believe I am the candidate with clear, straightforward, concise, specific, precise, unblemished, succinct, pithy, digestible, not-beat-around-the-bushy policies that can take this society forward, ahead and into tomorrow and the future.’

Each of Mr Doyle’s nineteen commitment-advocacy-evolution pillars is said to contain a further breakdown into forty-one sub-pillars, each with a tangential mini-branch to further explain the function of the overall evolutionary framework.  

At press time, the Doyle Campaign were preparing announce a further policy to endorse scrapping word limits on assignments.

 More to come.

‘Wait Who The Fuck Do I Vote For,’ Says White Man In UQLS Election

Bradley Smythe is currently in a state of paralysing indecision as he stares deeply into the list of UQLS presidential candidates.

‘Surely there’s another one one here somewhere, maybe it’s in invisible ink’ muttered Brad as he reached for his blue light.

A lot of white men are currently scratching their head in the Walter Harrison as they answer the eternal question - Which vote will make me look the most woke?

‘Obama made it easy, he was running against a crusty old white man’ complained Cooper Walsh-Tuttle. The Mallesons paralegal was uniquely stressed looking at the options, muttering to himself, ‘there’s not even a white woman here who I can easily identify with.’

‘Oh that’s right, they installed a massive glass ceiling when they did the refurb,’ he remembered.

The three male candidates do not offer any further clarification on who this man should vote for in order to avoid cancellation. ‘All three of these men are diverse… but who’s, like, the most diverse? Like, the least white? I’m fucking struggling here.’

At the end of the day, by voting for one candidate you’re tearing down two others. You know what that makes you mate? A racist.

Plenty more campaign news to come.

‘My Spotify Playlist Has Nineteen Followers,’ Says Local Woman Convinced She’s An Influencer

It’s not every day you see someone realise their dreams. And for aspiring influencer and Tourism Management student Sara Walker (24), today was the day a dream was realised.

‘I mean, music is my passion, so it’s hardly surprising, but wow. What a rush. Nineteen whole followers!’ yelled the Brisbane local to no-one in particular. You see, Sara was busy celebrating her recent realisation that her Spotify playlist, ‘~T U N E S~,’ currently has nineteen followers.

What are the odds?!

For the mildly popular Sara, she’d always dreamed of cracking 300+ likes on Instagram, or having a very successful comment on a Pedestrian.tv, but the lofty heights of a couple of followers on a Spotify playlist had always seemed out of reach.

Yet the carefully curated selection of 119 songs, dominated by modern artists such as Chance The Rapper, The Lumineers, Mac DeMarco, but with enough vintage flavour provided by Australian Crawl and Queen, is set to catapult this gutsy young woman into international superstardom.

Sara began to urgently call every one of her close friends, sharing the thrilling news that nineteen individual people had taken it upon themselves, with no apparent blackmail, to care about what she listened to.

‘Kristie!? Kristie, are you there?!’ bellowed Sara into her iPhone 6S, ready to inform her best friend Kristie Simpson (25) that she can pack up your bags, because she’s famous enough to move to Milan. Or something.

‘Hey, yep Sara, what’s going on? I’m just at work,’ responded the beleaguered Kristie, whose own Spotify account is one she still shares with her parents, hence the excessive amount of Johnny Cash and John Denver recommendations.

‘Nineteen followers, motherfucker! I’m cunting famous,’ Sara calmly stated, with her use of profanity only necessary cause the author of this article got bored and this made him chuckle a bit.

At print time, Sara is still informing a number of her friends about her newfound fame and fortune, and promising it won’t go to her head. We’re not too worried.

No more to chum.

‘Classic Rock Aficionado’ Revealed To Be Bloke That Just Likes A Bit Of ‘Khe Sanh’

A self-professed ‘classic rock aficionado’ has been embarrassingly outed as a man who, whilst never having heard of Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, or ‘Dire Straights,’ as he spells it, is definitely a bloke who gets around a bit of ‘Khe Sanh’ after a couple of Great Northerns.

Ejembi Eko (22), a Commerce/Law fifth-year and Bumble addict, likes to talk up his classic rock credentials as much as he discusses that one time Quade Cooper told him ‘chicks dig boat shoes.’ 

But after a pretty shocking performance at his mate Bryce’s pres, that involved Jimmy Barnes literally walking up to him and slapping him hard on the ass whilst Ejembi did not recognise him, it’s begun to dawn on a few of Ejembi’s mates that the self-professed ‘music guy’ of the group really shouldn’t be professing that, in any way, shape or form.

The rumours of Ejembi being a music guy started after a number of weekends where he showed a rare sixth sense in predicting exactly when a second-rate RSL covers band would turn to the tried, tested, delicious sound of Cold Chisel’s ‘Khe Sanh.’ 

And there’s certainly an argument that a blind eye was turned to Ejembi’s complete ignorance of any other Cold Chisel song, such as the poignant ‘Flame Trees,’ or the bass-heavy ‘Come On Eileen,’ but regardless, once a reputation grows, it is hard to tear down.

Yet the Iron Curtain that has been fostered around this young man is beginning to slip, as the Berlin Wall of ‘give Ejembi the UE Boom, he’s got all the best playlists’ is knocked down by harsh realisations.

To put it bluntly, this bloke is pretty fucking basic. Time for a Tooheys New and a mild disrespect toward female authority figures, tiger.

No more to come on this brilliant, subtle piece of satire that both entertains and informs.

Nazis Sick And Tired Of Being Compared To Student Politicians

Enough is enough. 

That is according to the remaining members of the Nazi Party, who are, frankly, ‘sick and tired of being compared to student politicians.’

In recent days, after student politicians engaged in a level of scheming and plotting that definitely indicates they have massive penises, the Nazi Party have had to come and say the line has been crossed. 

Numerous posts have compared the views and actions of many student politicians as akin to the Nazis. This, the Nazis say, is completely unwarranted.

‘We understand that some people have genuine grievances with our party,’ said Hansel Egort, current Officer for Camp Culture with the Nazis. 

‘But you completely undermine any credible arguments when you make hysterical and outlandish comparisons between the Nazis and student politicians.’

‘Grow up.’

Many Nazis have pointed to their past actions to prove that they have never done anything close to the atrocities committed by the deranged virgins to whom they’ve been tied. 

‘I couldn’t name a single Nazi who would run and cry to the German Returning Officer when they didn’t get their way,’ Hans revealed. 

Nazis have taken to social media to try and reiterate that, while they’ve done some shit stuff, they definitely wouldn’t run around a university acting like a bunch of fucking losers just to advance their own prospects of advancement in the open plan setting of a dilapidated electoral office in the outer suburbs of Brisbane. 

‘The Nazis were better than that.’ 

More to come.

Study Reveals Metal Straws Much Harder For Turtles To Digest Than Plastic Ones

Suck on that Greta Thunberg.

Environmental activists everywhere have been taken by surprise to learn that their beloved metal straws are actually one of the most damaging things for turtles to chow down on, second only Coles re-usable shopping bags. The CSIRO report concluded that despite their aesthetic appeal, these little metal weapons do an even better job at getting stuck up turtle’s nostrils than straws of the plastic variety.

The report also advised that they’re pretty fucking pointless anyway considering that you could just drink fluids with your mouth…or with your shoe if you’re that guy.

Local loggerhead sea turtle, Lachlan, spoke with the Obiter today upon finding himself washed up on Nudgee Beach.

“I am just grateful that the scientific community have finally woken up to our plight. At least plastic straws tasted good. Metal straws just taste like Mint Patties.”

Turtles everywhere have rioting en masse at this deliberate attempt by the loony left to kill off what little is left of their species.

More to come.

Concerns Amongst UQ Union Candidates That All This Drama Might Make People Hate Student Politicians

After the dramatic events of the weekend in student political circles, in which the Labor-backed party Empower were relegated to below the line, some involved in StuPol have become worried.

Many UQU current and prospective UQ Union candidates and their affiliates have expressed growing concern that the exposure of the callous scheming might make people hate student politicians.

‘Right now, student politicians are beloved,’ explained a student politician we won’t name in this article because if we do they’ll probably have a sook again.

‘We’re the coolest kids in school. But all these stories have me a-thinking - what if, now hear me out, what if there’s a slight possibility that these stories might make people fucking loathe us?’

The anxieties sound ridiculous at first. How could anyone in good faith have any ill feelings towards a monolith of ambitious, self-serving, pathetic plotters who are more concerned with owning the other side than they are working for students? It’s a bit far fetched.

But there is still a risk - if even one student of the thousands at UQ had a single negative thought about a StuPol hack, that student might not be motivated to become involved in Union life by eating some soggy cereal or getting groped once a year on the Great Court by a BBC bloke in a sheet.

Time will tell if the currently revered and idolised StuPol heroes ever see any noticeable decline in their reputation. But for now, it’s safe to say the fact they’ve even identified the risk is an indicator of just how good these legends are at fingering the pulse.

More to come.

Turkey Attacks Curds

If you think I’m writing an entire article running off this gag you’re a fucking idiot.

“Roadkill is a Fact of Country Life!” Garbles James McGrath Through Mouthful of Cockatoo

Queensland Senator James McGrath has sunk himself deeper into controversy during a misguided attempt to justify his online boast of killing a flock of cockatoos.  

While the Facebook post at issue was condemned by many, McGrath’s unprecedented move of taking a big old bite out of a mangled Cockatoo corpse during the ensuing press conference has sparked genuine questions about his sanity.

Famed for his incredible ability to toe the party line and do literally nothing else of value in any other area of his life, the habitual bird murderer elicited audible gasps and one cheer as he tore the flesh from Polly’s hollow bones.

“Polly wanna *crunch* stop triggered lefties *crunch* ruining Australia” read a visibly confused McGrath in a prepared statement, occasionally taking a moment to spit out shards of beak.

While it may appear that Mr McGrath has quite simply lost his mind, theories have emerged that the former Boris Johnson staffer is simply playing the political game in the long leadup to the next election. Indeed, the family of cockatoos were tipped by pundits to be a major threat to Mr McGrath’s next bid for preselection, with their natural ability to memorise and repeat mindless phrases ad nauseum a perfect fit in the Liberal campaign strategy.

But ya can’t be in the upper house when you’re fuckin dead can ya, ya dumb birds.

More to come.