‘Thank Fuck For ProctorU,’ Sighs UQ Union

‘Everyone was giving heat for us not representing the interests of a student facing expulsion,’ sighed the Deputy Vice-Presidential spokesman. ‘But what a relief we got 2000 signatures on some boring petition about privacy.’

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Reports indicate that audible sighs and moans of relief could be heard from the UQ Union office last week, as they realised they could distract everyone from their cowardice regarding Drew with a spirited, half-baked petition on these ‘student privacy’ shenanigans.

‘Honestly, UQ have done us of one of the all-time greatest solids in committing to this ProctorU shit,’ stated the Deputy Vice-Presidential spokesman, a graduate of King’s College and a ‘legend at sinking bulk piss in the Red Room,’ according to his deranged LinkedIn profile.

‘We were starting to worry we may actually have to say something of substance with respect to a student being expelled for exercising his free speech, but no dramas. Some random petition about privacy should be all the advocacy we need for the year!’ he clarified.

The UQ Union have today remained strong in their steadfast commitment to the second limb of their stated goals, ‘not representing students and being fucking useless.’

Whilst the half-assed campaign to prevent ProctorU probing student’s privacy may have failed, the weak statements of criticism have been a resounding victory for those most concerned with the Union’s core mission: not representing students in actual issues that matter.

Like expulsion!

As the Union throws up their hands four days after they began advocacy against ProctorU’s invasive approach to examinations, claiming they ‘tried literally everything,’ it’s clear that these representatives are actually succeeding in representing the majority of students. As the vast majority of UQ students are simply too jaded or cynical to care about anything, an elected body of student representatives that are either too lazy or too bitter to comment on the one UQ issue making international news in literal decades actually makes perfect sense.

‘Oh, I can’t comment on the Pavlou matter,’ stated the Deputy Vice-Presidential President For Campus Culture And Eating The Lake Water, whilst also cracking open Facebook and liking every single anti-Drew article.

‘It would be rude of me to make any comment whatsoever on his cult of personality,’ he finished, smugly chuckling to himself at his incredibly deceptive choice of words.

What an intellectual powerhouse!

More to come.

UQ Union Finally Kicked Into Gear by Sexy Satire Writers

Australia’s largest “student union” has today shown signs of life for the first time in months, after being lightly prodded by a group of uncomfortably sexy satire writers.

The hacks awoke from their slumber to oppose UQ’s mandate for students to install spyware on their personal computers under the pretence of invigilation.

The union, which was “deeply disturbed” by the policy, leapt to issue a statement of condemnation and opposition, just a day after refusing to comment on a celebrity student being controversially expelled. Because unions are unable to discuss or represent their constituents in disciplinary matters, of course. Unions are for making pancakes. Makes perfect sense mate.

The move comes as somewhat of an about-face for the union, which up to this point has effectively been run like the HR department of the university itself.

The only explanation for the union’s sudden shift to adversarial, student-focused governance? The sly but undeniably sensual guile of this writer has made the UQU dripping wet for student representation.

No need to be embarrassed UQU, I have this effect on a lot of people.

And the response from this lothario? Good job! More of this please!

May my voracious sexuality be a beacon of light to you all in this uncertain time.

No more to come.

O.J. And Pell Invite Carole Baskin Into Their ‘Sketchy Cunts Who Definitely Did It’ Club

A slew of the worlds sketchiest cunts have decided to extend a membership invitation into their very crook club to TV’s favourite murderess.

Carole Baskin who, not to beat around the bush, definitely fed her husband to the tigers, was thrilled to see a link to their weekly zoom meeting pop up in her emails.

Great to hear the boys are abiding by social distancing rules in this time. R Kelly has not been participating in virtual club meetings after reportedly saying he ‘doesn’t want anything to do with COVID-19’ and that ‘19 is too old for me.’

Kate McCann was especially excited to hear Carole had been invited along and said it would be ‘great to have another woman around.' Perhaps a strategic move on the part of club execs who have been accused of fostering a boys club environment.

Some of the club’s notable alumni include Oscar Pistorius and Harvey Weinstein, however their memberships have since been revoked on account of them being convicted.

Club activities include sitting around and reminiscing about the good old days, when nobody asked questions.

Local Bro Realises His Love Language is ‘Blowjobs’

Sarah McKee has had a difficult morning coming to terms with the fact that her loveable goob boyfriend only recognises love in the form of a bit of slob on the knob.

‘I was hoping he would say something like ‘I got words of affirmation’ or ‘receiving gifts’, but it wasn’t anything like that!’ lamented Sarah. ‘I’m pretty sure ‘blowjobs’ wasn’t even an option on the Buzzfeed facebook quiz.’

Brett du Plessis isn’t actually sure what the problem is, or why Sarah has removed his nickname on Facebook messenger and replaced it with the skull emoji.

But Brett will do what any smart boyfriend will do and just ignore the situation and act like it isn’t a problem.

‘I was being honest. She always wants me to tell the truth so that’s what I did. I don’t even know what the problem is. I just like a bit of downstairs action from time to time. In fact, it’s almost a bit anti-feminist of her not to support men expressing their sexuality and emotions in the way they feel most comfortable.’

WW3 to come.

UQ Union Successfully Asserts Student Voice By Remaining Silent About Student Being Controversially Expelled

The UQ Student Union has once again taken a brave stand for students by not commenting on anything at all, in a move that has some snowflake students wondering ‘wait, what the fuck is the point of a union then.’

Called to comment after it became public that the University of Queensland is attempting to expel Senator Drew Pavlou for reasons that remain confidential (hmm), the Union declined to do so.

President of the UQ Union Ethan Van Roo Douglas made a strong statement of the Union’s equivocal position by liking a handful of comments on StalkerSpace about the importance of decorum and civility.

Stunning and brave from our glorious leader!

The lack of announcement was strongly supported by the entirety of the student executive at an emergency meeting, as the Union passed a motion instead to continue focusing its efforts on low-stakes electoral fraud and overpriced membership cards. How about those savings at the Lolly Shop!

We here at The Obiter have to agree with the position taken by Real/Focus/Whatever the fuck these centrist hacks are called now. It really is too difficult for the traditionally politically active student organisation, whose primary goal is to represent the interests of students, to make a call on whether to support a student who was assaulted on campus, bombarded with threats, and is now threatened with expulsion from the university.

And in a way, it’s pervertedly funny that these play-acting politicians finally have a chance to make a real impact in their community, by making a statement, but instead, they’ve chosen to sit behind a Facebook page, not even having the misguided bravado of the UQ Beer And Rum Society. UQ BARS might refuse to condemn coronavirus, but at least they’re publicly stating that.

It seems the UQ Union think their job is to say absolutely nothing at all. It’s a bloody doozy!

Plenty more to come.

‘This Will Reflect Well On Me,’ Says Cartoon Villain Peter Hoj Preparing To Expel Drew Pavlou

UQ Senator and occasional good bloke, Drew Pavlou, is in the firing line today, and it’s not just a Facebook comments section that’s grown hostile to his chaotic mix of aggression and tension. Cartoon villain Peter Hoj, fresh from diving into a literal pool filled with gold coins, has reportedly sought to expel Pavlou.

The Vice-Chancellor, a man of Danish heritage, is presumably very good at writing tense, bleak crime thrillers and taxing his citizens at an eyewatering rate, as his ethnic origins would suggest. But he is weaker at reading the public mood, exemplified by the latest flight of fancy which has preoccupied the man responsible for guiding Queensland’s premier educational institution through its greatest challenge of the modern era.

Instead of focusing his incisive wit and undivided attention to the COVID-19 pandemic and its impact on higher education, it appears Mr Hoj has taken umbrage with a cocky twenty-year-old who, armed with nothing but a Facebook account and a face that was punched once, has managed to embarrass Mr Hoj and the University to such a degree that Hoj is looking to expel the young man.

The fellow in question, Drew Pavlou, is a lot of things. A rebel. An iconoclast. A punk. A father. A poet. A serviceman. A dentist. A goldfish, in a bowl of dreams. But above all else, he is a student of UQ, and is undeniably, inextricably entwined with the fates of that institution.

Across a series of increasingly obnoxious Facebook posts, Mr Pavlou has criticised Hoj and the administration of the University. Instead of taking the high road, which would be relatively easy given Hoj is literally twice Pavlou’s age, Hoj has decided to become personally offended by these comments, many of which are blatant jokes. 

Admittedly, humour tends to struggle in Denmark. One wonders that if Pavlou was simply making tight crime-thrillers on SBS with subtitles and a stunning performance from a Skarsgard or something, Hoj would be listening.

But alas.

The University seems to have both barrels trained on Pavlou, in some misguided notion that expelling the man will reflect well upon them. This is up there with such classically foolish ideas as ‘that sixth beer won’t hurt at Jade Buddha happy hours,’ and ‘thirty pieces of silver is a worthwhile trade here.’

It’s worth considering whether the University is ignorant to its student bodies hopes, concerns, and dreams, or whether they are simply brazenly pushing past them to achieve their own goals. And when faced with this binary question, of whether they are blind or bullies, it’s hard to imagine which is better.

Twirling his cane, tipping his top hat, and adjusting his monocle as he strolls the halls of the University, Mr Hoj is likely feeling pretty positive about his prospects of succeeding against Mr Pavlou. After all, this is just some Arts student, just some kid, and the whole of the University surely has the resources to expel him.

But as that ninth bottle of champagne is consumed by Hoj’s four pet tigers, which were bought by the Vice-Chancellor in an incredibly prescient homage to Netflix’s ‘Tiger King,’ maybe a pang of doubt and guilt will set in. Who knows?

Plenty fucking more to come.

Uni Student Society Solves COVID-19 With Heartfelt ‘Stay At Home’ Instagram Story

They’ve done it. Those crazy bastards, they’ve really done it.

In a twist absolutely no-one saw coming, least of all the scientists, politicians, and researchers’ who were at their wits end, a small but plucky society of like-minded university students have come together to achieve the sweetest victory of all: ending the COVID-19 pandemic.

And all it took was a spirited series of Instagram stories reminding people to do the same thing they’ve been doing for the last three weeks! Who knew?!

The UQ Accounting and Financial Business Law Management Society (also known as the UQAFBLMS, which sounds like a degenerative motor-neurone disease you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy), with an executive composed entirely of third-year students who were searching for meaning beyond a 5.2 GPA and a penchant for schooners at The Regatta, decided to make the monumental decision this morning, when some absolute fucking bright spark in their group chat suggested the most impactful format of all for their message.

The humble Instagram story.

And in a series of adorable photos and videos, imploring their thirty-odd followers to ‘stay at home to save lives,’ it seems this brave society might have just done it. It’s not easy for an executive to transition from hosting social events at the Red Room to being at the forefront of managing a global crisis, but hey - if that’s not what they train you for at Grammar Debating, I don’t know what is.

Rest assured for those fearing these students will simply let their success stand without alerting the world. Reports indicate Treasurer Anthony Salisbury has already written ‘solved the Coronavirus pandemic without breaking a sweat’ into his LinkedIn bio, whilst President Lillian Jackson has promptly updated her resume with the title of ‘Problem-Solver Extraordinaire.’

This is just what this country needed, and it’s so darn good of these students to provide. Brilliant efforts, everyone!

No more to bitterly come.

‘Had An Insane Bender For The Easter Long Weekend,’ Says Bloke Who Had Two Beers With His Dad

‘Thank fuck for a public holiday Monday, I am feeling dusty as,’ said local man Brent Power (23) in an unanswered text to his group chat, ‘The Caxton Street Regulars,’ this morning.

Whilst the Easter long weekend would traditionally be a time of rejoicing, being grateful, and using the two public holidays to absolutely murder your liver with ethanol combinations the likes of which have not been seen since Christmas, this Easter certainly has a different flavour.

And that flavour isn’t the flavour of pangolin, or bat, no sir, but the flavour of ‘hanging out with Dad.’

Whilst Brent, a long-term Commerce student and account representative officer for the Department of Financial Affairs & Mysteries, usually ‘gets tanked’ with his ‘great group of guys,’ at some remote faraway location like Straddie or Moreton, the quarantine orders imposed this Easter have granted the entire affair a certain ‘beers with Dad’ feel.

However, Brent, in a misguided if vaguely-admirable attempt to keep the spirit of his long weekend alive, decided to have a ‘mental bender’ with his parents last night.

‘King of the mid-strengths, aren’t you Dad?’ whispered Brent in his father’s ear over the lamb-cutlet dinner they ate last night. Proceeding to drink three cans of Mountain Goat Summer Ale in seven minutes, Brent whacked on a few episodes of ‘Marvellous Mrs Maisel’ on the television screen and promtply fell asleep.

Only time will tell whether this supposedly ‘legendary’ night goes down well in the canon of ‘awesome moves’ from the ‘B-Man’ himself, but one thing’s for sure.

Amazon Prime is a great investment.

No more to Krum.

‘The Rules Don’t Apply To Me,’ Says Dickhead Going Away For Easter

A local dickhead has today weighed up two of his most pressing concerns. Firstly, the global pandemic which is killing tens of thousands across the globe, and shattering the institutions and structures we hold dear, and secondly, his rampant desire ‘to get away’ for Easter.

‘I deserve a holiday, right?’ he declared out loud, to no-one in particular, after skimming the Government’s public health directions which pretty clearly state this Brisbane man shouldn’t be trying to ‘get up the coast for a couple of days and have a couple of beers on the beach with a few mates.’

The Brisbane local, Andrew Salisbury (26), has been working from home for the past month, or as he calls it in a weird, nonsensical inversion of the classic joke, ‘hardly working.’ Like, he literally says to colleagues on Zoom calls, ‘working from home or hardly working?’ as if it’s a groundbreaking piece of comedy.

Moving on.

But after watching the Premier’s clear statements of ‘don’t go away for Easter,’ and ‘all our hard work could be undone if you go away,’ this bright spark decided to himself that the rules apply to those who are at risk, not a fit young thing like himself.

After all, he’s been following Men’s Health prescribed muscle-building, fat-burning workout routine, which is basically pushups and steamed chicken breasts, repeated ad nauseaum. 

‘I’m still good to go up to Noosa, right?’ he texted in his group chat of fellow muscle-and-chicken-breast aficionados, all of whom have profoundly nuanced takes on the legislative regime surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic. 

‘No dramas, mate, go bananas,’ stated ‘Dave,’ a young father of three who’s staying at home this Easter because he’s designed a ripper Easter Egg hunt for the backyard of their Taringa home.

As Andrew packed away six cases of Tooheys New, and began calling around his friends to see who wanted to come on holiday with him, a brief moment of conscience flashed before his eyes, before it was dismissed as easily as a tail-end batsman facing Mitchell Starc with a new rock in his hands.

No more to come.

This C**t Won’t Stop Getting Off

Returning to form, George Pell once again got off today.

The disgraced former Cardinal was granted his freedom in a unanimous High Court decision. Keane J, in his majority opinion, wrote that ‘I’ll admit it. I like getting people off, I do it a lot, and sometimes it gets me into some unfortunate situations,’ likely referencing the impending media backlash to his decision.

‘But I’ve got to do it. I have to get this guy off. In the interests of justice.’

Andrew Bolt was seen in the gallery licking his lips and sweating profusely. The notoriously sick puppy let out a sharp, squeaky exhale upon hearing the verdict, before excusing himself from the courtroom.

A jubilant Pell spoke passionately outside the High Court, pointing at the media and shouting ‘just when you cunts thought my days getting off were over, I get off harder than I ever have before!’

Pell proceeded to cackle wildly as he jumped into the nearby sidecar of a leatherbound, motorcycle riding Tony Abbott, and rode into the sunset.

Someone please, for the love of god, put this man in a cell.