Scientific Study Confirms Person At Front Of Lights Has Slowest Reflexes In The World

Panic! On Corro Drive has begun as local motorists are coming to grips with human error. After one Kia Cerato driver failed to accelerate quickly after lights turned green, drivers behind them erupted into a fit of rage.

However, this distress is not unexpected. In an Obiter exclusive interview, we can reveal that this frustrating phenomenon is actually because the universe has a grotesque fucking sense of humour.

CSIRO papers have explained the inextricable link between those drivers that slow down, instead of speeding up when a yellow lights hit, and slow reaction times when the light goes green.

Local driver, Caitlin Zhang, is incredulous. “Fucking makes sense. I’ve seen glaciers move faster than drivers at the front.”

Obiter reveals that even if there was more to come, we won’t find out until those scientists get out of the Corro Drive traffic.

Olivia Rodrigo Drops Hit Follow-Up Single: 'forklift license'

I got my forklift license last week

Like we always talked about

Placing pallets precisely

Gonna pull a sick fuckin burnout

~~~

Teen pop sensation Olivia Rodrigo today fulfilled her rabid fans’ wishes by dropping the hotly anticipated follow-up to her smash hit singles ‘drivers license’ and ‘deja vu’.

The 18 year old, who told Pitchfork last week that she removed the shift and caps lock keys on her laptop, released ‘forklift license’, a 22-minute epic about her three days of training to get a Queensland forklift license.

The inspirational track serves as an anthem for fuckers who pick shit up with two big prongs and plonk them on shelves.

‘I guess after the heartbreak of ‘drivers license’, I really wanted to have a song about empowerment‘ said Rodrigo in an interview with The Obiter’s youth affiliate, Triple O.

Rodrigo, who was dumped by her ex-boyfriend because he was sick of driving her fucking everywhere, a story which inspired her first single, says she will continue to be inspired by her everyday life.

‘This song really takes inspiration from when I was at One Stop Forklift Training Brisbane for those three days in December 2016’ said Rodrigo to Triple O.

‘But I like to think it’s more universal than that.’

It certainly is, Liv.

No more to come.

Man's LinkedIn Photo Clearly Taken At Funeral

Norm Parker’s funeral was a difficult but cathartic day for attendees. The 84 year old, who had worked as a carpenter and was the patriarch of a family which included 6 children and 15 grandchildren, passed away peacefully in his sleep two weeks ago. By all accounts, Mr Parker was a kind man who was loved by all.

But for Nick Reynolds, Norm Parker left his greatest gift til last.

‘Look I didn’t really know Norm, I think I might have met him at a wedding one time but I can’t really be sure’ said Reynolds at press time.

‘But I’ll tell you what, he left me a fucking good parting gift’.

While the 25 year old was genuinely saddened to hear of his girlfriend’s great uncle’s passing, he was stoked to learn that the photographer took a ‘pretty fucking sick’ photo of him at the funeral. Within days, Reynolds had changed his LinkedIn profile photo to the image and was waiting for the job offers to come rolling in.

However, it appears the shining light of Reynolds’ beauty has blinded him to the glaring presence of a casket containing the corpse of family hero in the background of the photo.

When messaged by friends immediately after changing his profile picture, Reynolds responded with a hopeful ‘do you think it’s obvious?’.

Unfortunately Nick, it kind of is.

'I Came Here to Lead, Not to Read' Says Errol Parker, Making His 400th Typo of the Day

A nationally recognised journalist this morning rebuffed allegations that he lacks journalistic professionalism, declaring in a prepared statement that that he has never proof-read an article, and ‘[doesn’t] plan on doing so anytim (sic) soon, cunts’.

Betoota Advocate Editor Errol Parker offered the remarks as his first response to criticisms which have plagued his journalistic career. Commentators have long noted the political firebrand’s refusal to proof-read literally anything published by his paper, but Parker had refused to comment up until this point.

‘I’ve pounded the pavement in towns as diverse as Innamincka, Birdsville and Ogdenville looking for the stories that matter, and I won’t stand for this slander. And you know what? I’ve never seen an error in spelling or grammar on a single one of my stories.’

When asked whether this was because he had never in fact read one of his stories, Parker responded: ‘I came here to lead, not to read.’

Inspiring words from a man of questionable literacy.

No more to come.

'You'll Understand When You're Older': Lecturer's Consult Proving Unhelpful

Ben Howe attended his LAWS2704 lecturer’s consult anticipating some juicy assignment advice, but was instead met with the sordid realisation that he is academically alone in this world.  

~~~

After previously being a favourite of third year law students, Professor William Zhang is quickly losing friends in the West Wing.

‘Bloke’s a real cock tease’ said Ben Howe at press time, visibly disgusted.

It’s easy to understand Ben’s frustration, because despite encouraging his students to attend his consult, Professor Zhang remained remarkably tight-lipped during the discussion, answering basic questions pertaining to structure and audience with cryptic responses like, ‘I couldn’t possibly say’ or ‘I can’t comment on that due to Covid’ or even ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’.

One student told The Obiter that when she asked Professor Zhang what the word limit for the assignment was, he simply responded: ‘you have to keep breaking your heart until it’s open’.

While the unsolicited advice may come in handy next time any of the four students who attended the consult go through a harrowing life experience, they remain utterly unprepared for their Trusts and Equity I take-home.

No more to come.

'Do We Get a Public Holiday?' Asks Nation

Australia has been rocked to the core by the shocking news this evening that Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, passed away peacefully. But do we get a public holiday?

His Royal Highness, known for his larrikin humour and good looks, was beloved in the nation, who simply cannot face work on Monday in such a state.

While the monarchy has waned in prominence in Australia and Prince Philip in particular has not surfaced in headlines except to note that he looked incredibly old, he’s still the husband of the head of State, and, you know, I think this one’s just, you know, hit everyone really hard.

Give the man the legacy he deserves, and the piss up we all need.

Inspiring: Man Caught Vaccinating Himself Behind Woolworths Carpark

Flatten the curve!

Obiter reporters were on the scene today at a Woolworths in Deception Bay where it has been reported that local men are doing their best to assist in the fight against COVID-19.

Australia’s handling of the COVID-19 pandemic has been hailed as some of the best in the world and it’s easy to see why with community members so willingly putting up their hands to receive the vaccine.

Reporters were unsure whether this was a Pfizer, Moderna or AstraZeneca vaccine that these gentlemen were self-injecting, but we are proud to see them doing their bit to flatten the curve.

Their determination to beat the virus was obvious from previous-vaccination marks on their arms. It appears that they may not have been waiting 6 weeks between doses, but hey, we aren’t ones to judge!

We approached to see if we would be able to get vaccinated. However, these men were adamant that we would not be touching their syringes. We’re sure this is for good reason and it’s foolish to think a bunch of 20-somethings would need the vaccines more than these unwell, at-risk members of the population.

Hopefully more to come from these heroes.

Online Recipe Includes Chef’s Life Story Before Listing Any Ingredients

A local Camp Hill man is struggling today in the kitchen, and not just because he doesn’t know the difference between broil and fan forced.

Kieran Walker was invited around to dinner on Tuesday with his girlfriend’s parents and was keen to impress them by making a red velvet cake.

However, he has now learned that the best place to find cake recipes is, and always will be, the Woman’s Weekly Cake Book, for Kieran fell into a classic trap for young players: thinking you’ll be able to find any actual recipes online.

Don’t get us wrong! It’s easy to google ‘red velvet cake in under 1 hour’ and find results. However, Kieran realised quickly that to find anything of actual culinary relevance, he must first trawl through a 3500-word autobiography from the chef.

Kieran reports that a recipe from RecipeTinEats.com contained a recipe submitted by chef, Katherine Jones. Katherine wrote firstly of her passion for the colour red, then her passion for velvet textures, then which flour was appropriate, then why you should only source said flower from Bhutan, then why she hates travelling to Bhutan because she honeymooned there, then why her last marriage disintegrated, THEN why baking this cake will assist you in avoiding marital problem and FINALLY the ingredients.

“Honestly, finding the actual recipe on a website should become one of the challenges in Dante’s Inferno,” said Kieran. “I did eventually bake the cake though. It’s pretty sick aye.”

Good luck for next week, Kieran!

Stack of Old Bibles Prop Up Pope's Monitor

While Pope Francis may be God’s top man on the ground, he is still fallible to the pains of a creaky computer neck.

Like millions of office workers the world over, the Pope has attempted to protect his neck by stacking a few books underneath his monitor. Fortunately, the Vatican is absolutely packed with a bunch of outdated bibles which can’t be put to good use anyway.

Sources say the Pope asked the Vatican’s chief librarian if he could borrow the books, who replied ‘Oh yeah for sure, those bad boys were superseded when King James dropped a new bible 10 years back’.

Congratulations Pope Francis, and we hope you enjoy watching the next season of Bojack Horseman on your appropriately placed monitor.

Bloke Who Refers to His 'Current Girlfriend' Not Even Pretending Anymore

By all accounts, Rob Jones and Ellie Hart are the perfect couple. By all accounts except Rob’s, that is.

While the serial monogamist has no particular qualms with his girlfriend as a person, he is well aware that their relationship is purely circumstantial - the circumstance being that Rob is horny as fuck. Knowing that the relationship will be short-lived, Mr Jones has refused to bestow the title of ‘girlfriend’ upon Ms Hart, opting instead to refer to her as his ‘current girlfriend’ or, occasionally, his ‘current squeeze’.

‘I know it’s not really going anywhere, but I still care about her though, in a way’ reasoned Mr Jones to a crowded room of journalists, who all proceeded to simultaneously inhale through their teeth.

‘Look, if there’s one thing I pride myself on, it’s honesty’ said Mr Jones.

‘And so I don’t want to mislead people into thinking she’s the one or anything’

When asked whether he had told Ms Hart of his understanding of their relationship, Mr Copley declined to comment.

No more to come.