“QUEEEN Where Have You Been I’ve Missed You,” Says 4th Year To A Girl She Sat With Once In Torts

It was finally here, the biggest night on the Law School calendar, and a chance for female law students to get smashed and tell each other how much they have always admired one another.

“I’m not even going to drink that much,” said Chelsea Smith (22) on the morning of the Ball, “I have to write my civil case note tomorrow.”

But before long, Chelsea was 5 mimosas deep and things were getting a little OuT oF coNTroL.

“It started when she saw this guy she had a massive crush on in first year,” a source close to Chelsea told the Obiter.

“They’ve never spoken but she asked him where he got his bow tie and what mark he got in trusts.”

“Then we couldn’t find her for like, an hour, until we realised she was in the bathroom with a girl whose boyfriend had dumped her that night. She didn’t know the girl or guy, but Chelsea was telling her she deserved better.”

Chelsea was later spotted on the dance floor screaming “PLAY WAP” when there was no DJ and the music was just a Spotify playlist.

Chelsea then attached herself to an anonymous girl who she had sat with once in Torts, telling her she really appreciated her friendship and that she was the most beautiful woman in the room. The two where then spotted absolutely hogging the photobooth.

“She won’t rest until she’s stopped literally every girl in a Bec & Bridge dress to tell her she’s a queen,” Chelsea’s friend informs us. “Oh shit her tits just came out, I have to go.”

More to come.

Frank Green Announces 50L Water Bottle

Frank Green has recently unveiled that they will be releasing a 50L water bottle at a press conference late this morning.

“They say go big or go home,” said Frank Green (53), CEO and founder of the company, “and I’m not fucking going home.”

The company revealed that the demand for obscenely heavy and obnoxious water bottles has skyrocketed in the last few years.

“Bitches be thirsty I guess,” said Frank.

The research and development team explained that they used metal from a timpani drum to make sure the new bottle makes as much noise as possible when slammed on a desk.

A few lucky loyal customers known as “Frank Heads” got to wheel out prototypes.

“It’s amazing!” said law student Rebecca Holmes (21), “Now I don’t have to fill up my water bottle for about 25 days at a time, the perfect and most reasonable amount of time between filling up a water bottle.”

Rumours have already started spreading that Frank Green is going to expand into the water tank game.

More to come.

RM Wearing Australian Insists He Had It Tough Growing Up

With rampant inflation making life tough for many Aussies, RM-Australian and BEL Building local Alexander von Wankerstein-Ponsonby decided to share some tales from his working-class past with his fellows at the Aston by-election Young Liberal volunteer drive.

“Yes my old chap, the GFC back in ’09 truly hit us hard in Hamilton, I can definitely relate to all the working class Australians queuing at food lines.”

A chorus of sympathetic nods greeted his opener.

“I recall going to the RM store and not being able to get the Ostrich Leather Signature Craftsman made for my commencing prep at St Bartholomew’s. Daddy said I would have to tolerate the Comfort Craftsman! Can you imagine! A rubber soled RM!”

Chief Assistant Vice Under-Secretary of the Vaucluse branch, Montgomery Keanes was shocked into replying. “By God Ponsonby! You may as well get Blundstones if you’re going to do that!”

“Yes Monty, but that’s not even the half of it. We could only go skiing in Queenstown and had to sell up the Chalet in France. It was tough, but should make my future campaign to win back middle-class Australia a bit easier with that bit of relatability. Anyway, what seat are you good chaps looking at challenging the Teals for? Give them a bit of the old 1-2…”

Your reporter excused himself to go vomit in the manicured shrubbery. No more to come.

Gov Announces They'll Save Great Barrier Reef As April Fools’ Prank

The Hon Tanya Plibersek MP, Minister for the Environment and Water, shocked many in Parliament House this morning, after introducing a bill proposing that the Australian Government actually do something about the Great Barrier Reef crisis.

“We’ve done nothing but sit on our asses for the past three decades,” she said, “the Great Barrier Reef is one of the seven natural wonders of the world, a World Heritage site, and the largest living structure on the planet. It’s time we did something beyond throwing pocket change at it.”

Ms Plibersek then said something about cutting carbon emissions, before bursting out in laughter.

“Happy April Fools’ Day!” yelled Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, inserting himself at the last minute to take credit for his female colleague’s hilarious prank.

“You guys are so gullible,” wheezed Albo, laughing so hard that tears streamed from his eyes, “We’re actually going to spend even more money on nuclear submarines!”

Albo then went on to explain that he loves AUKUS but despises orcas and wishes the ocean was as uninhabitable as possible.

It is alleged that some members of the Upper House are still laughing.

More coral bleaching to come.

Year 8 Debating Team Solves Russia Ukraine Conflict by Adopting An Economic/Social Split

“Huh, I never thought about it like that”, said Putin after hearing about the ingenious decision made by the St Blues 8.1 Team.

Forget about the ICCPR and United Nations General Assembly, Jamie Bollinger and Becky Carlton are the face of Peace following their captivating appearance as the Negative Team against St Reds on Friday night.

Jamie tackled the economic effects of Russia’s conflict. Notably, she proclaimed that “Putin really needs to think about what he’s spending his money on”.

This niche take saw his opponents gasp in horror, scrambling for a rebuttle point. Reports confirmed the second speaker for the affirmative was heard, whispering, “I didn’t see that argument coming”. Well, it seems the second speaker for the affirmative and Putin share something in common!

The air was potent with Jamie’s conviction even after the ring of the 3-minute bell, rung by Michael Palmer. Michael was benched by the Blues for this round following a horrific performance as 1st affirmative last week.

Second speaker, Becky really brought the split home with an indictment against Putin and the social impacts of the conflict upon “kids just like her”. Becky ended with yet another excellent use of a rhetorical device, directly appealing to the President of Russia himself asking, “How would you feel if someone destroyed your house?”.

Sources close to the President confirm that Putin had never, in fact, considered such a hypothetical. Our sources also confirmed that Putin never realised that points could be split along social/economic lines and believes it is a game changer for international relations.

More to come.

“You’d Make a Great Debater Mate,” Says Aunt Seeking Polite Way To Call Nephew A Dickhead

After enduring a fourth interjection in as many sentences from her 13-year-old nephew Kyle, local woman Michelle Stewart had had enough.

“Y’know, he’s always been on the quiet side so it’s good to see him grow up and come out of his shell a bit. But Jesus Christ he’s an annoying little prick now,” shared Michelle.

Reports say that the situation came to a head after she made the fatal mistake of referring to the monster in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein as ‘Frankenstein’. Kyle wasn’t going to let that slide, swiftly putting her in her place with an “um, actually, Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. You’re talking about Frankenstein’s monster.”

In the circumstances, her self-restraint was commendable.

“Slapping him was option one, would’ve had the desired effect, but I figured that was off the table. He’s probably still a couple years too young for me to just outright call him a dickhead, I’ll save that in case he’s still doing this shit when he’s 15. So I thought, what’s a group of people that are all arrogant nerds lacking in social skills? And obviously, I immediately thought of debaters.”

In the end, she settled on a pained, “Hahah, I guess you’re right champ. Hey, has anyone ever told you that you’d make a great debater?”

While the adults in the room read her loud and clear, it seems her backhanded ‘compliment’ only emboldened Kyle, who at the time of publication was heard insisting that his grandmother include tomatoes in the fruit salad, as they are technically a fruit.

“Point Of Information - We Were Technically On A Break,” Says Debater After Being Caught Cheating

Michael Winston (21) - PPE student and avid UQDS debater - used two points of substantive and two points of rebuttal to explain why it wasn’t wrong for him to cheat on his girlfriend of two years.

Ellie Delcor was gutted to find out her ‘loving’ boyfriend of two years had cheated on her with another woman. 

“How could you Michael, that is a terrible thing for a person to do,” she said.

“Ad hominem,” he retorted.

“The old you would have never done such a thing!” she sobbed. 

“Strawman,” he rebutted.

Ellie was silenced by Michael’s seemingly complete lack of empathy. 

“Good evening chairperson, ladies and gentlemen,” he said.

“Michael it’s just me here,” Ellie emphasised.

“I have two points of substantive,” he continued “First, we were on a break.”

The Obiter found out that Michael meant he had decided 20 minutes before the cheating occurred that they were on a break and had not discussed it with Ellie. 

“Second, I am polyamourous.” 

The Obiter discovered that he did not know the name of the other women he had slept with and had googled polyamoury while Ellie was confronting him. 

“You’re hopeless,” Ellie said, leaving their table at Sassafras of Paddington. 

Michael did not disagree with that point. 

No more to come. 

Boys Grammar Debating Coach Receives BMW As Christmas Bonus

PPE Student Quenting Albright was chuffed to be appointed as coach of the Boys Grammar 10.3s. 

“At first I was hoping to get a part time job at Avid Reader West End to meet women, but I couldn’t turn down the Grammar debating coach money.”

After the 10.3s finished runners up in the QDU final using speeches completely written by Quentin, the school rewarded his hard work with a brand new Lexus.

“I mean I really would’ve rather gotten an Audi, but at least it is a foreign,” said Quentin wankily

It has been reported that Quentin is making side money writing his team’s Modern History assignments for them.

“The old two-for-one-tutor-debating-coach baby!!!”

No more to come.

MAFS: Manifestly Incompatible Couples Hoodwinked For 9th Consecutive Season

Sure it’s bottom of the barrel content, but Australian audiences still tune in to acclaimed dramedy Married At First Sight, our sources confirm.

After a dinosaur cull on the experts panel, the show has taken a new direction by gaslighting viewers that the show is genuine in its premise and not a smokescreen for the launch of lucrative OnlyFans careers. With a 1% success rate, the experts are doing psychologists in the field proud.

Following a total condemnation of the Claire and Adam cheating scandal, they resiled from this position by introducing a couple swap to strengthen the couples’ bonds. This comes after the very productive ranking exercise, based on scholarly, peer-reviewed literature, and engineered to inform your partner that you find another participant sexy as fuck.

When surveyed further, our sources tell us that producers scoured every sweatshop nationwide for the reddest of flags. We can also exclusively reveal that Harrison caused 23% of female viewership to dip their toes in lesbianism. Purely from the experts’ conduct, it is safe to say the key to love is sabotaging your relationship from the very beginning.

More to come

Woman Channels St Patrick By Driving The Snakes Out Of Her Friendship Group

Sharon Thornton (28) came in hot to her friends Paddy’s day drinks at Finn McCool’s Fortitude Valley.

“Narelle is such a snake,” she said “I’m gonna confront her, it’s what St Patrick would have wanted.”

Sharon explained that she had recently been courting a man named Darryl, who she had met at the races two weeks ago. However, it had recently come to Sharon’s attention that her supposed friend, Narelle, had also been attempting to court Darryl, fully aware that Sharon had her eyes on him first.

The Obiter witnessed Sharon verbally confront Narelle.

“I know you’re trying to fuck Darryl, Narelle. You gronk bitch!” She yelled, throwing her yellow cider onto Narelle’s green shirt.

“Clarine is keen on him too” Narelle replied, barely audible over The Pogues playing in the background “She’s with him right now babes, you don’t own every bloke you see.”

Sources confirmed with The Obiter that Clarine was as that time on a date with Darryl at Irish Murphy’s.

“Well I don’t want to see either of your faces at book club ever again!” said Sharon.

“But next week we are talking about The Dry! I love Eric Bana.” Narelle responded woundedly.

“Fuck off.” Sharon finished, the rest of the girls standing with her in solidarity.

No more to come from Narelle nor Clarine.