Fourth Year Law Student Struggles to Contain Excitement for Weekly "Constministrative” Double Feature

If you’ve been on the Internet in the past few months, you have no doubt encountered the hype for the ‘Barbenheimer’ double feature: Greta Gerwig’s smash hit BARBIE, and Christopher Nolan’s historical epic OPPENHEIMER, both releasing on the same day to raucous fanfare from moviegoers and critics alike. We at the Obiter were able to get an exclusive interview with Jasmine Douglas, a fourth-year UQ Law student who has taken the Barbenheimer message to heart in a unique way.

“Of course I saw Barbenheimer in cinemas opening day! I started off by turning to one of the greatest filmmakers of our generation for a chilling, crucial breakdown of the human condition and the horrors that men can inflict upon each other and this world, and then I went and saw OPPENHEIMER afterwards,” Jasmine declared.

“So I figured,” she continued, “it was only right to try and keep those good vibes going in my day to day life. Two years ago, if I’d found out I had Constitutional Law from 9am-11am and Admin Law from 11am-1pm on a Wednesday, it probably would have been enough to push me over the edge and finally drop out. Now, instead of four straight hours of boring drudgery, it’s a thrilling Constministrative double feature”.

Jasmine went on to describe her enjoyment of the work of “up-and-coming filmmaker” Nicholas Aroney (who, she was sure to remind us, we probably hadn’t heard of), and to make an impassioned case for Anthony Cassimatis to win Best Supporting Actor at next year’s Oscars. “I mean, even his performance in Administrative Law alone should’ve been enough to get him over the line. But you add in his role in International Law: Public and I think he’s a shoe-in,” she opined.

Unfortunately, Jasmine cut off the interview there, as she had to attend to some chores, or, as she put it, she was “running late for her screening of the epic DishesLaundry at the Cinémathèque Kitchén”.

We will have more for you as the story develops, but for right now, your writer is going to settle in and enjoy a classic 3BeersCrying double feature.

Student With Wheelbarrow of Printed LAWS4701 Notes Understands What Life in Postwar Germany Was Like

“Forget about hyperinflation in the Weimar Republic,” said Matt Smith (22), “I just went broke printing the entire UCPR.”

A fourth year law student who sat the Civil Dispute Resolution exam yesterday feels like he understands what life was like in Germany in the 1920s.

After having to top up his Web Print account four times to print his notes from the entire semester, Matt Smith (22) wondered if he should also print the whole Uniform Civil Procedure Rules 1999, just in case.

As he waited for the stapler, Matt was struck by the similarities between his current predicament and that faced by the middle classes in the Weimar Republic.

“We learnt in Modern History about how German currency became almost worthless after the war. There were photos of people carrying their bank notes in wheelbarrows.”

“Actually, a wheelbarrow isn’t a bad idea.”

On the morning of the exam, Matt was unsurprised to see that he wasn’t the only law student adopting the “Weimar strategy”. Not only that, it seemed everyone in the UQ centre would rather face financial ruin and a fascist takeover than sit the exam.

By the end of the 10 minute perusal time, Matt realised that, like German Mark in 1923, his notes were worthless.

It remains to be seen whether, like in Germany, Matt’s marks will come good.

Kathmandu’s Founder Seen Rejoicing At Brisbane’s ‘Cold Snap’

Brisbanites are clearly excited for their annual down-jacket stint as temperatures plummet to a daily average of 22 degrees

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Our sources report that Jan Cameron, the great mind behind Australia’s favourite puffer, popped a bottle of Monet on Monday morning in lieu of the Channel 7 Sunrise weather report. 

“This is just wonderful news for us at Kathmandu. This month of Brisbane winter always yields our annual sales spike!”

Our reporters struggled to record Hillier’s insight over the Woohoos! and Hoorays! coming from her colleagues.

“It’s especially great for me given my living situation relies solely on the salary increase I get at this time of year.”

At this point, The Monet was reportedly going faster than the Kathmandu’s were flying from the shelves! (which is always surprising, given it’s never cold enough in Brisbane to justify purchasing a down jacket).

“Everyone said I couldn’t sell puffer jackets in Brisbane. The bloke from CityBeach said I was a daft prick. To him I say: enjoy this wintery draft, prick!” Cameron exclaimed.

“But I’m all about making the best out of bad situations. Just like how my family always used to call me ‘Jan-man-do’, because my hair styles always exuded a masculine air.” (Jan is pictured below)

It was at this point that our reporter noted that Cameron should probably lay off the drinks at 7am on a Monday.

“Little did they know that it was their trauma-inducing name-calling inspired the name of my hugely successful brand - I changed it from Janmandu to Kathmandu because I like Kath and Kim heaps!”

No more to come.

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“They never supported my dreams of owning a puffer jacket boutique, but look at me now! All the fitspo girls, Ascot Mums, and Saturday-morning-Rugby dads need me!”

Jan! We SAID there was no more to come.

'Yeah You Should Get Your Marks Back Tomorrow,' Says Lecturer For The 8th Consecutive Week

‘Oh crumbs,’ thought Professor Darryl Fishborne, realising he never gave his 2008 Contracts A class back their 30% mid-sem research assignment marks.

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It’s been a long wait for students of LAWS9000: The Law of the Rings, Two Towers.

Despite many a polite, smiley, after-class query from the likes of Emily Ruth (20), former All Hallows School Prefect, Professor Darryl Fishborn (37) just won’t budge.

‘Yeah, sorry folks, I’ve just had a few things come up in my personal life recently’, announced Professor Fishbone at the start of class, hoping that might throw off the scent for at least another fortnight.

Truthfully, Professor Fishborne has a complete lack of interest in touching his students’ research papers, and had spent the weekend playing DnD with his old barbershop quartet crew.

One LAWS9000 student, Harry Hopper (22) was penalised 115% of his total grade by Professor Fishborne because he was in an induced coma in the week that the assignment was due and so couldn’t submit his assignment until 10 minutes after the strictly imposed 2pm deadline.

‘Yeah, no, maybe it is double standards, not too sure, mate,’ Harry told one of our reporters. ‘Darryl seems like a nice guy though so no hard feelings’.

More to come.

Katy Perry ‘Called to Serve’ In Coronation Rendition Of Hot N Cold

Despite not having released any relevant music since 2013, American pop star Katy Perry dazzled audiences at King Charles III’s Coronation concert.

The California Gurl is currently best known for her role as a judge on American Idol.

However, in a royally awkward twist of events, Ed Sheeran filled in as a judge while Katy performed at the Coronation concert, despite saying he was ‘too busy’ to perform himsel.

At the concert, the freshly coronated King was seen bopping along to hits such as ‘I Kissed a Girl’ and ‘Teenage Dream’.

However, there was a notable lack of dancing from the new Queen consort Camilla during ‘The One That Got Away’.

Reportedly, Lorde was absolutely fuming she wasn’t asked to perform her hit song ‘Royals’.

More on this to come.

Hooray! QLD Government Has Solved The Rental Crisis

From 1 July 2023, Queensland landlords will only be allowed to raise rent once per year. Previously, rent increases were permitted every six months.

“Yeah, once per year sounds good,” Premier Palaszczuk reportedly stated. “That’s how often I get my highlights touched up, so I reckon that’s a pretty good metric.”

The Palaszczuk Government stated that these rental increase caps will give a ‘fairer go’ to Queensland renters. 
However, Teneriffe landlord, Samantha Hamilton (54), claims otherwise: “I think it’s pretty unfair for landlords. I’m now going to be forced to postpone my annual Bora-Bora trip until after I’ve increased rent for the year. I won’t be able to afford it while also paying for a course of full-body laser hair removal.”

This announcement follows reports that the Palaszczuk Government was considering putting a cap on the maximum rental increase amount. 

When questioned about this, Palaszczuk simply said: “I never said that and you’re gaslighting me!”

The Obiter could not obtain a comment from any renters, as they were all at work.

Alan Joyce’s Knack For Efficiency Lands Him Job As Translink Bus Driver

“I’m so excited to be assigned route 66!” said Joycey, excited to be 20 minutes behind schedule.

In a move that delighted jaded Qantas customers, Alan Joyce announced that he is no longer going to be the CEO of QANTAS.

“It’s time for me to move on,” he said “it’s time for me to follow my passion and become a bus driver.”

Head of Translink recruitment said they were delighted to poach Alan and his “particularly efficient skillset.”

Joyce has also said that he will act as a David Littleproud lookalike on weekends to earn a bit of extra cash.

The Obiter can report that Hollywood actress Vanessa Hudgens will replace Joyce as CEO, who, in her first public address, affirmed the public that “we are all in this together!”

Ezymart Goes Into Voluntary Administration After Government Announcement Of Vape Ban

On Tuesday, the Minister for Health Mark Butler announced the Government’s plan to make the sale of recreational vapes illegal in Australia.

The news that vapes can only be purchased from pharmacies with doctors prescriptions has devastated Australia’s newest and brightest chain of convenience stores.

The CEO of EzyMart has announced that they have to go into voluntary admission as there current business model is based entirely off vape sales.

“We can’t survive off selling Prime, Bang Energy and Reese’s Pieces alone,” he said.

“This is a particularly devastating blow for our workers, who have said that recommending vape flavours is the part of the job that gives them most satisfaction,” he continued.

EzyMart is not the only business hit by the news.

Family owned business Petras, who have serviced West End with vapes for half a decade, have announced they are transitioning into selling solely unmarked cigarettes and shishas.

There are also rumours that ChemistWarehouse will change its name to ChemistSharehouse to better tap into the new prescription vape market.

More to come (though no more vapes).

Actually Overheard At The Law Ball: “I’ll Marry You.”

The Obiter can confirm that some extremely unique rizzing occurred the UQLS Law Ball last Friday night.

After imbibing in mimosas and a tropical fruit vape, our correspondent witnessed arguably one of the most beautiful displays of true love to ever grace a student ball.

Actually overheard and seen was a first year male earnibble a female attendee, before declaring in her ear, in a Gollum-like husk, “I’ll marry you”.

The projectile vomit splat next to the chicken skewer platter? Yeah, that was us, puking on behalf of our subscribers.

The icking of our cancer stick addicted correspondent comes 43 minutes after another icking incident occurred to our second correspondent, this time in the photobooth line.

After being asked what degree they studied and what they plan to do in the future, our second correspondent actually shot herself straight through the skull.

The Obiter sends prayers and condolences to the family of our second correspondent, Mimi Mosa.

Student Confused What To Wear For The ‘Hopgoodganim’ Theme For This Year’s Law Ball

In the past the law ball’s theme has radically altered the big night’s dress code, often guiding the massive decision to wear either  black or blue. 

This year, students face the puzzling task of interpreting how ‘hopgoodganim’ can affect their wardrobe.

“I’ll probably go as a frog or something, they can hop good” said Dan Gerrard (19), law student and generally confused bloke. 

“Or maybe a kangaroo or grasshopper, some sort of animal that is a hopper for sure,” he continued.

“It’s Latin for something isn’t it?” asked one Econ student with a mate that does law.

“I’ll go as a Tom Cruise in TopGun,” said John who still is trying to find an event to wear his accidentally ordered Top Gun costume. 

“It’s just cocktail right?” guessed a sleep deprived second year.

Those who have clerked at Hopgoodganim have decided to take a different approach, with some students deciding to dress up as their favourite Hopgood partner.

“I’ll go as that handsome injury lawyer on level six” said Caitlin who is hoping to secure a full-time position at the firm next year. 

However the theme’s interpreted, it’s a guarantee everyone’s outfits will still smell like mimosa by 10pm.

Let’s hop(e) there’s no more to come.