Local Flake Gets Away With It Because Fuck, It’s Good When He Comes

Breaking news suggests that a local flake in Brisbane’s inner-western suburbs, Harold Robertson, receives little criticism for his flaky ways, because ‘shit, it’s just such good fun when he’s there.’

Harold, 19, has been known to his friends as a ‘flake’ for some time, much to their occasional annoyance. The Macquarie Concise Dictionary defines a ‘flake’ as ‘someone who generally makes plans with you, promises to do things with you, or for you, but can never seem to follow through. When confronted with their behavior they usually get defensive and run away.’

According to Mark Dickson and Sarah Chamilleon, they first realized Harold’s flaky character when he started using the phrases “Yeah, I’ll probably be able to make it,” and “ooh maybe,” excessively. After months of Harold saying he would be “keen,” but then pulling out at the last minute, he was formally given Flake classification by the Federal Agency for the Identification and Classification of Flakes (FAICF).

However, in a shocking twist, Harold’s friends are claiming his flaky nature doesn’t matter. Why? “Because, fuck, he’s just so fucking good when he actually comes.” It seems that by possessing a winning personality, Harold has been able to overcome the downsides of flakiness, with the raw power of his charm. When questioned further, Sarah acknowledged that “…it is shitty how flaky he is. But when he shocks us all and actually turns up? It’s like the Second Coming of the Messiah. It’s Biblical. He’s just that good!”

The Obiter decided to investigate further, and meet Harold ourselves. After six months of trying to make plans, we can confirm; he’s Barrack Obama, crossed with Heath Ledger, crossed with an adorable neighbourhood Labrador. Who wouldn’t forgive him for being flake central!?

First-Year Genuinely Considers Dropping Out After Calling Tutor ‘Sir’

Nick Holmes, enthusiastic first-year, and graduate of the esteemed St. Jamie’s College, Strathpine, has decided to talk to an academic advisor about dropping out after calling his economics tutor ‘Sir.’

Nick walked into his second week of university full of hope and excitement, and promptly made his way to his ECON1010 tutorial, one hand on a steaming cup of Merlo’s coffee, and the other in his pocket, making sure his Apple Music playlist ‘Get Motivated!’ was playing. With Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ ringing in his ears, Nick stepped into the Michie Building, and queued up outside class – he was fifteen minutes early, as requested by the ECON1010 study guide.

Leaked text messages from Nick’s phone show him texting his girlfriend, Clarissa, stating he was ‘keen to work on some supply and demand.’ He also texted his group chat of male friends, ‘Jamie’s Boyz,’ asking if ‘anyone wanted a coffee later.’ By all accounts, Nick was happy and content. But that was about to change.

Ten minutes into the tute, Nick found himself confused by a graph explaining production outputs. He raised his hand to ask his tutor, 21-year-old fifth-year, Marcus Sambora, for clarification.

“Sir?”

Marcus stopped speaking in shock, and looked at Nick. The classroom went still. Nick’s cheeks grew red, as the first-years looked on in horror. Marcus summoned his courage, and replied.

“There’s no need to call me sir, mate. I’m just a few years older than you! Marcus is fine.”

With those fateful words, Marcus struck a harsh blow upon Nick’s shoulders. Tears streaming down his crimson cheeks, Nick stormed out, shouting “Sir! Sir! What the fuck is wrong with you, Nicky! SIR?!” Reports indicate he stormed into the office of an academic advisor, barged down the door, and began to sob underneath the advisor’s desk.

Nick has not been sighted since. His concerned girlfriend has established a hotline for any information regarding his whereabouts; she has also established the “Fucking Idiot Foundation” to educate first-years about appropriate terminology to call tutors. Don’t make the mistake Nick did. Don’t do a ‘Sir.’

Millennial Loudly Orgasms Mid-Way Through La Boite Production Due To Truth Overload

Allegedly, millennial Carter Beatty has aggressively orgasmed mid-way through La Boite Theatre’s current production of ‘The Dead Devils of Cockle Creek,’ due to an urgent and intense truth overload.

Mr Beatty, or ‘Sock’ as his peers call him, was planning a pleasant evening at Kelvin Grove’s premier hub for daring and courageous theatrical experiences. “Everything was going smoothly,” Sock explained to The Obiter the following day, when we caught up at an Adani protest. “I settled into my seat, excited for a night of bold drama. But I wasn’t ready for anything this bold.”

The Australian play tells the story of a rouge environmentalist living deep in the Tasmanian wilderness as she fights to stop Tasmanian Devil tumours being harvested by a chicken nugget factory. The dramatic arc, which tackles edgy yet very accessible topics such as One Nation, Trump voters and (yep) capitalism, proved too much for the thrift-shop Levi’s jeans of this millennial.

“It was as if the playwright cracked open a Kombucha of truth and started spitting it all over the stage,” Sock said in awe, before pausing to ensure we’d written his analogy down. “One moment I was enjoying the action, the next I was in the clutches of an almighty ‘gasm that rocked me all the way to my fucking core.”

Luckily for Sock, the team at La Boite were more than prepared for this type of situation. “The rabid orgasms of coastal elites is something we address on Day One of our training,” Head Usher Destineé Smallcomb revealed to The Obiter via Whatsapp. “In fact, every trainee is given mop lessons each week as a refresher.”

At press time, Sock was predicted to make a full recovery. “As long as I avoid Pedestrian.tv and Triple J for the next few days, I should be back to sensual normality in no time.”

Let this serve as a warning to millennials of Brisbane: the theatre can be a dangerous place for those who aren’t prepared to get waterboarded in unfiltered, raw progressive juice.

More to come.

Money Hack Alert! Buying Just 5000 Strawberry Clouds Will Offset UQU Rewards Card

Here at The Obiter, we get it - life is pretty tough for students (you can say that again!). Between 12 contact hours and looking for phone chargers, it’s a mystery that students even manage to get by! But easily the biggest stress for embattled students is the oldest problem in the book (the cheque book that is): money!

If you’re a student reading this saying “…money? What is this foreign word?” we hear you, sister. Luckily, The Obiter has discovered a money hack that will make life a lot easier for UQ students: the UQ Union Rewards card.

The UQ Union Rewards Card offers 10% discounts at all Union outlets on campus. The card costs $25. “What!?” we hear you yell into your smartphone. “Twenty-five whole buckaroos? Why would I spend that on a stupid card when I can spend it on a car or something?” Well, don’t stop reading. Money hack incoming.

Upon purchase of the UQU Rewards Card, here’s what to do next: walk your sweet ass down to the UQ Lolly Shop. Then, grab yourself no less than 5000 strawberry clouds. You with us? Now, head to the register and slam your red-dusted loot onto the damn counter so hard that the pimple-poked dicklord attendant sharts all over his little dumb apron.

“5000 clouds please G’uvna,” you say. The attendant will tell you some outlandish price - but what do we say to that price? “Not today!”

You whip that UQU Rewards Card out of your money belt with all the force and power of the Holy Spirit. The attendant will shred 10% and this is where the hack comes to life: clouds go for 5c a pop. 5000 will set you back $250. 10% off = $225. The difference? Ladies and gentlemen, $25.

Yep, you read that right, Jordan Belfort. You have just saved $25 and made your money back. Plus, you’ve got 5000 little puffs of crimson, sugary glory to show for it.

With this Obiter exclusive hack, you’re effectively making money. Move over Tom Tilley, because you might as well be hosting Triple J ‘Hack,’ with this sort of manoeuvre. You’re Jason Hackermanis fighting on Hacksaw Ridge with your comrade and star of School Of Rock, Hack Hack.

So yeah, money can be tight. But with this sort of hack you’ll be swimming in a pool of money, and clouds, in no time at all. Welcome to Strawberry Cloud 9!

Channel 10 To Boost Ratings With Six More Shit Shows Starring Dave Hughes

After entering voluntary administration in mid-2017, executives at Channel 10 have kicked off their bid to return to economic viability by announcing the introduction of six more Dave Hughes stinkers.

Acting CEO of Channel 10, Paul Anderson, broke the news at a press conference early this morning, stating that “…since the BBL has gone off our screens, and we can’t bank on lucrative Zooper Dooper sponsorships, we’re going to have to turn to Hughesy to save the day. Again!” After groans from journalists, Mr. Anderson insisted that “…Hughes wasn’t that unfunny on Rove back in the day. He had his moments!”

Anderson also confirmed rumours that, in one of the new programs, Hughes will be joined by fellow Channel 10 regulars Julia Morris and Peter Helliar, to form what some critics are crudely labelling the “Three Horseshits of the Apocalypse”.

Documents leaked to The Obiter reveal some of the new shows. They include ‘Hughes Line Is It Anyway’, an improvisational comedy show based on Whose Line Is It Anyway, and ‘Don’t Come To Israel, It’s Full of Hughes,’ a confusingly topical show about the Jewish state of Israel and its struggles with violence and global anti-Semitism – hosted by Dave Hughes.

Whilst many are sickened by the announcement, it isn’t without its fans. Jimmy Christensen (49), the last surviving Dave Hughes fan in Australia, says that he’s excited to see where the decorated comic can take the struggling network. “I’m just really keen to see Hughesy get on the roast train this year!” exclaimed Mr Christensen, unprompted. “Choo Choo! Look out, cyclists, footy players and various other easy targets!”

Mr Hughes was unavailable when reached for comment.

“College Culture Is Not A Problem,” Reports Dominic From King’s

In recent weeks, Australian universities have been rocked by a number of grave allegations, reporting widespread sexual assault and hazing taking place at residential colleges. However, in the wake of these alarming revelations, we have been assured that there is “nothing to worry about here!” by 19-year-old King’s College student, Dominic Dinglesmith-Murray.

The recently-released Red Zone Report has shocked the nation, detailing distressing incidences of abuse and harassment. But when The Obiter contacted King’s, a residential college at the University of Queensland, we were confidently assured by Mr. Dinglesmith-Murray that there is absolutely no need to investigate any possible wrongdoing, and anyone who recommends such investigation “…just doesn’t really get college.”

“This all comes from complete misunderstandings of college culture. Rituals are incredibly important to us, and bring us together. They forge a real sense of community. It’s hard not to become close with your college mates when you’ve drunk beer that was trickling down their genitals!”

The product of a comfortable upbringing in leafy Ascot, Dominic reportedly “adored” his first week at college, suggesting it was “just like rugby camp!” An Old Boy of Stonewood Goat Grammar School, and self-confessed John Howard “maniac,” Dominic quickly grew passionate about college, wearing his college cap around university, and loudly proclaiming in lectures “…had the most mental night at college last night!”

As we walked away from our interview with Dominic, he continued to assure us that there was absolutely “nothing to see here” at college. “Have you heard that new Paul Kelly album, Life is Fine? Yeah, it was actually written about the present situation at King’s,” reported Dominic, enthusiastically chuckling to himself.

Hopefully, no more to come.

Local Man Wastes Entire Day Trying To Figure Out Who Followed His Spotify Playlist

22-year-old university student, and self-confessed ‘music geek,’ Aaron Gibson (Spotify username: gibboplaysbangers) has just wasted an entire day trying to track down the person who followed his Spotify playlist.

On a typical morning, Aaron would wake up, guzzle a Red Bull, and put his playlist “tunedog” on shuffle, as he got ready for a busy day of procrastination and watching ‘Sick Rap Battle Compilations’ on YouTube. But on Wednesday morning, Aaron noticed that “tunedog”, a “blend of hectic bangers and chillest beats,” had gained a follower.

Unfortunately for Aaron, Spotify presently does not permit users to easily find out who has followed their playlists; intrigued users will typically scroll through their friends’ profiles, trying to determine who is the fateful follower. Reportedly, this was Aaron’s tactic.

Hours later, after looking at many of his friends’ profiles, Aaron could see people following such playlists as “All Time Favourites,” “Summertime Swagness,” and “arvo beers.” However, none of his friends were following “tunedog.” Our sources suggest Aaron grew increasingly desperate as the day slipped away, ultimately posting in a technology forum, offering a $50 reward for someone to “hack Spotify.”

The Obiter reached Spotify for comment, and were able to obtain a quote from their CEO, Greg Spot. According to Mr. Spot, “…the panic and frustration experienced by those who are unable to figure out who followed their playlist is the best part of my job.” Sickening.

Pious Student Who Was Planning To “Only Do Handwritten Notes” Sheepishly Sneaks MacBook Into Week 2 Lecture

The Obiter can confirm anonymous reports that third-year law student, Loretta Saunders, deceptively smuggled her MacBook into this week’s Trusts A lecture.

The revelation would be far from newsworthy, if not for the fact that Ms Saunders spent a significant portion of Week 1 casting her peers as worthless pieces of shit for adapting to modern educational methods.

“This semester I’m making a change,” Ms Saunders announced to an apathetic cluster of students outside the lecture hall. “Laptops distract you; one second you’re typing, the next you’re watching The Graham Norton Show on mute. Not me!”

The student, who seems genuinely convinced that her plummeting GPA can only be due to her method of notetaking, rather than her unearned enrolment in TCB by way of the OP system, took the time to urge others to take the leap into the notebook abyss.

“For too long, students have focused on their typing and screens rather than the knowledge itself,” Ms Saunders wrote in a Facebook status. “I am proud to be bringing the tradition of A4 notebooks back to the tertiary education system, and I hope you too can join my education revolution.” The status had received 4 likes, and a ‘wow’ react that our analysts believe to be “sarcastic.”

Loretta’s sabbatical came to an end this week when she slowly slipped her MacBook out of a TYPO laptop case with little zebras on it (or some shit).

“She literally called me the ghoulish ghost of Steve Jobs for looking at the PowerPoint last week,” third-year Sarah Jobs complained. “That doesn’t even make sense. Plus, Steve was my uncle so that hurt a lot.”

Malcolm Turnbull Tells Students To "Stop Studying Law, I Need This Clerkship"

Nervous fifth-year student and Prime Minister of the Commonwealth of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull, has sensationally claimed that ‘too many students are studying law,’ making it harder for him to secure a clerkship in a competitive field. In an exclusive interview with The Obiter, the PM revealed he actively discouraged students from choosing to study law at university, unless a legal career was their dream.

When asked why, Mr. Turnbull muttered ‘applications due in a month… too many bloody people going for it… it shouldn’t be this [expletive deleted] hard for the Prime Minister to get a gig with a Big Six…!” Further questioning revealed Malcolm had barely written a cover letter, and he had set six iPhone reminders in the last four days, instructing him to “get cracking!”

During our interview, Mr. Turnbull was kind enough to offer further advice, suggesting law students should only submit clerkship applications if they ‘really really really really want it,’ and that there are ‘heaps of really good avenues towards legal careers that don’t involve clerkships.’ When asked if students should consider careers in academia, Malcolm began to nod furiously, exclaiming “yes, yes, yes” as spit flew from his lips.

Tawny Frogmouth In Law Library Here To Deliver Howler, Says Minister of Magic

The Minister of Magic, Professor Fiona Rohde, has calmed law students’ fears, suggesting the tawny frogmouth spotted on Level 4 of the Walter Harrison Law Library is ‘simply here to deliver a howler.’

Law students entering the library on Tuesday morning were shocked to see a tawny frogmouth owl resting near study desks, looking anxiously around the room. Many students wondered whether the owl was lost, or whether RSPCA needed to be called. Thankfully, the owl was simply waiting to deliver a ‘howler’ to Ryan Catterwell, who has recently faced disciplinary proceedings (reason unknown). Whilst it has been years since exam results were delivered by owls, they are still regularly used to deliver more aggressive messages to students or staff, in the form of ‘howlers.’

The Centre for the Protection of Magical Creatures have issued a memo to law students across Australia, suggesting that it is best not to interrupt owls as they are working. “The ability of owls to perform their jobs is integral to the success of a law school,” says the memo.

Let’s hope that, in future, students will not become distracted by a humble bird simply trying to do its job.