Year 12 English Short Story Surprisingly Similar To Tutor’s Short Story From Three Years Ago

An English teacher at Brisbane Girl’s Brisbane School for Grammar (located in Brisbane), Miss Kelly Carmen-Smith, was shocked when reading through a Year 12 English short story, as she noticed an alarming similarity to a short story submitted three years prior.

The suspicions of Carmen-Smith were raised when school captain Gretel Sharpe’s short story began with the exact same opening line as her tutor, who attended the school a few years ago. ‘I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was finally here. I could feel the tension in my stomach, resonating deep inside me.’ This bland introduction was the exact same used by Elizabeth Barnes, 2015 Academic Captain, and known tutor. Reading on from the opening sentences, Carmen-Smith was sickened to discover even more similarities between Sharpe’s and Barnes’ efforts.

2015’s ‘A Stroll Apart’ tells the tale of young Scottish girl Emily as, in the space of 1500 words, she battles her inner demons while she is followed by a strange figure in a journey through a park which alludes strongly to the poem, ‘Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night,’ culminating in the poetic and insightful reveal that the shadowy figure is, in fact, her estranged father.

Interestingly, ‘A Walk Adrift’, by Sharpe, tells the tale of young Danish girl Sophie as, in the space of 1500 words, she battles her inner demons while she is followed by a strange figure in a journey through a small, inner-city forest area which alludes strongly to the poem ‘Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night,’ culminating in the poetic and insightful reveal that the shadowy figure is, in fact, her estranged mother-in-law.

Deciding the similarity could only be a coincidence, given the esteemed reputation of Sharpe, Miss Carmen-Smith exclaimed “What a coincidence!” loudly in her office. “This year’s story is so familiar to the one I gave an A- to 3 years ago, only as if it’s been edited and improved with the benefit of hindsight,” she said to The Obiter.

“And then I discovered Elizabeth Barnes has been tutoring Gretel for a year now! Wow, I’m no maths teacher but that must make the coincidence number marvellously high.”

Turnitin received a 0 percent match, which was strange, considering the repeated incorrect usage of the word ‘obsequious,’ and the fact that when viewed as a PDF, each word in ‘A Walk Adrift’ was separated by a white full stop in size 2 font. Weird!

More to not come gentle, into that good night.

Awkward Group Assignment Allocation Requires Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un To Meet At Merlo’s Before May

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

These were the words first uttered by stunned US President and BAFE student, Donald Trump, upon learning of his allocated group assignment partner. The random allocation is set to rewrite the course of geo-campus politics.

Kim Jong-Un, the North Korean leader with whom President Trump has engaged in a war of words with, both over Twitter and Blackboard discussion boards, was equally agitated by his tutor’s decision to impose mandatory allocations for the upcoming group assignment, “Bitcoin: Friend, Foe, or Frenemy?”

“I don’t get why we can’t just choose our own partners,” Kim moaned to The Obiter on the Great Court. “I have heaps of good mates I could’ve worked with in that tute.”

“Like who?” we asked. “China, and, um, that bloke from school… China,” was Kim’s visibly uncomfortable response.

The pair have reportedly set a deadline of May to meet, and Merlo’s has been agreed upon as the location. In a statement released by the White House, it was revealed that Merlo’s was chosen because “...it’s very open. If it gets awkward or weird, we can just like comment on the birds or something.”

Trump would be the first sitting US president to meet with an assignment partner, a historic step the Commander-in-Chief does not want to take. “Can’t we just do this on Google Drive like normal people?”

Kim Jong-Un does not believe the chances of success are high. “I’m just going to end up doing everything,” the leader whispered under his breath, after the notably beige tutor pulled his name from a wool hat. “Trump leaves everything until the night before.”

At this time, tensions are reportedly running high. The President has listed the group members as “Donald J. Trump & the Little Rocket Man,” in the document header.

QPS Report No New Leads In Search For Missing S’well

A spokeswoman for the Queensland Police Service confirmed in an urgent press conference this morning that they are not pursing any new leads in the state-wide search for a missing S’well water bottle.

“At this moment, there are no updates on the operation,” Amy Clintock told media this morning outside Queensland Police Headquarters. “We will bring you any and all information about this bottle as we receive it.” The water bottle belongs to a young woman named Caitlyn Zhang who reported on Monday that she had not seen her S’well for 45 minutes, the legislated period before which a S’well is considered “missing” by authorities. 

“I was holding the S’well and ordering a coffee  before I got chatting with an old friend,” Ms Zhang told The Obiter. “We started walking when I realised the S’well was gone.”

“Ah that sucks,” we at The Obiter responded. “Do you know whereabouts it could be?”

Ms Zhang spat back, “If I knew that it wouldn’t be lost!”

The Obiter knew we’d screwed up. “Yeah I know, I mean, like, do you know where you last had it?”

“Are you serious? The coffee shop, dude.”

“Oh yeah. So… did you read our Hughesy article?”

The QPS have dedicated all of their resources to the unfolding crisis. Morgan McAtkin, a career detective one week away from retirement, said in an interview that this is the most puzzling case to slide across his desk in 65 years with the service. “Some cases keep you up at night,” McAtkin mumbled as he sipped black coffee. “In all my years, I ain’t seen nothing like this.” McAtkin described the immediate police response upon Ms Zhang’s initial report: all flights departing and arriving at Queensland airports were grounded, state borders were sealed, a 3pm curfew has been imposed on all residents and 24/7 armed guards have been stationed at all major bubblers.

“At this point our list of suspects extends to anyone in our register who enjoys the consumption of hot or cold beverages,” McAtkin growled as he lit a rolled cigarette. “So we are narrowing it down.”

Leaked police documents unveiled future potential strategies QPS are considering, including sending an officer undercover as a Ziptap.

“Cannot believe those plans leaked,” McAtkin roared as he ran his hands through his grey beard. “We should’ve put them in a S’well.”

Considering the lack of leads and the insulation capacity of the missing target, sources within QPS believe this is destined to become a cold case.

More to come.

“This Is Just A Bloody Witch Hunt,” Says Salem Man Accused Of Witchcraft.

A Salem politician accused of witchcraft has described the investigation as ‘...just another bloody witch hunt,’ as he faces increasing pressure to resign and be burned at the stake. John Grigson, 29, has argued these accusations are ‘groundless,’ and ‘just a pathetic attempt to slander my good name.’

Last year, in December 1692, allegations of witchcraft first arose against Grigson, Deputy Sheriff, and father to a small family of nine children. After increasing community pressure, the Salem Commission Against Corruption and/or Witchcraft (SCACW) launched a comprehensive investigation into the allegations, with the local priest appointed as Special Counsel. The report of the SCACW is expected to be presented sometime this month.

However, as further witnesses have come forward with distressing accounts of Grigson’s alleged witchcraft, many have called for his resignation. Local blacksmith, Peter the Pious, argues ‘...even if the accusations are untrue, he is systematically destroying the institutions which are so critical to the Salem justice system. He should burn himself on a stake - or toss himself in the river and see if he drowns!’

Whilst many in the community have been vocally against Grigson, his loyal supporters have rallied against the SCACW’s investigation. “This is a sickening conspiracy,” suggests pro-Grigson supporter, Chris the Contrarian.

“The elites hate him because he tells it like it is. They hate we elected him to Deputy Sheriff of Greater Western Salem. Now they’re trying to bring him down - just because a few of the local girls who worked for him might have been turned into frogs!”

The SCACW report will likely be released on March 17th, 1693 (approximately two weeks away).

2018 Engineering Undergraduate Society Membership To Include Complementary 'Bazinga!' T-Shirt.

As membership numbers continue to decline, the Engineering Undergraduate Society (EUS) have taken drastic measures to win back the pecuniary support of their most abundant demographic: nerds.

The President of the EUS Robert Murray said that while many options were explored, including changing the dress code of the Engineering Ball to “tracksuits and thongs,” the Society decided after much deliberation that only the wit of Sheldon Cooper could repatriate the departed members.

“Look,” said Mr Murray, “we don’t have it as easy as you Law jabronis. Friday’s don’t just gift us unbelievable deals whenever they feel like it, and even if they did, what kind of Engineering students want to go to Friday’s? I’ll tell you who: dropouts.”

“We have to relate to our members on a deeper, psychological level”. Mr Murray went on to explain that the humour of The Big Bang Theory may be too complex for a person of even average intelligence to comprehend, and that he didn’t expect “legal numbskulls” to appreciate Chuck Lorre’s tightly constructed sitcom, nor understand the EUS’s reasoning for the change. Analysts at The Obiter estimate that the introduction of the T-Shirt will increase the EUS membership base by 690%. Bazinga!

Local Flake Gets Away With It Because Fuck, It’s Good When He Comes

Breaking news suggests that a local flake in Brisbane’s inner-western suburbs, Harold Robertson, receives little criticism for his flaky ways, because ‘shit, it’s just such good fun when he’s there.’

Harold, 19, has been known to his friends as a ‘flake’ for some time, much to their occasional annoyance. The Macquarie Concise Dictionary defines a ‘flake’ as ‘someone who generally makes plans with you, promises to do things with you, or for you, but can never seem to follow through. When confronted with their behavior they usually get defensive and run away.’

According to Mark Dickson and Sarah Chamilleon, they first realized Harold’s flaky character when he started using the phrases “Yeah, I’ll probably be able to make it,” and “ooh maybe,” excessively. After months of Harold saying he would be “keen,” but then pulling out at the last minute, he was formally given Flake classification by the Federal Agency for the Identification and Classification of Flakes (FAICF).

However, in a shocking twist, Harold’s friends are claiming his flaky nature doesn’t matter. Why? “Because, fuck, he’s just so fucking good when he actually comes.” It seems that by possessing a winning personality, Harold has been able to overcome the downsides of flakiness, with the raw power of his charm. When questioned further, Sarah acknowledged that “…it is shitty how flaky he is. But when he shocks us all and actually turns up? It’s like the Second Coming of the Messiah. It’s Biblical. He’s just that good!”

The Obiter decided to investigate further, and meet Harold ourselves. After six months of trying to make plans, we can confirm; he’s Barrack Obama, crossed with Heath Ledger, crossed with an adorable neighbourhood Labrador. Who wouldn’t forgive him for being flake central!?

First-Year Genuinely Considers Dropping Out After Calling Tutor ‘Sir’

Nick Holmes, enthusiastic first-year, and graduate of the esteemed St. Jamie’s College, Strathpine, has decided to talk to an academic advisor about dropping out after calling his economics tutor ‘Sir.’

Nick walked into his second week of university full of hope and excitement, and promptly made his way to his ECON1010 tutorial, one hand on a steaming cup of Merlo’s coffee, and the other in his pocket, making sure his Apple Music playlist ‘Get Motivated!’ was playing. With Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’ ringing in his ears, Nick stepped into the Michie Building, and queued up outside class – he was fifteen minutes early, as requested by the ECON1010 study guide.

Leaked text messages from Nick’s phone show him texting his girlfriend, Clarissa, stating he was ‘keen to work on some supply and demand.’ He also texted his group chat of male friends, ‘Jamie’s Boyz,’ asking if ‘anyone wanted a coffee later.’ By all accounts, Nick was happy and content. But that was about to change.

Ten minutes into the tute, Nick found himself confused by a graph explaining production outputs. He raised his hand to ask his tutor, 21-year-old fifth-year, Marcus Sambora, for clarification.

“Sir?”

Marcus stopped speaking in shock, and looked at Nick. The classroom went still. Nick’s cheeks grew red, as the first-years looked on in horror. Marcus summoned his courage, and replied.

“There’s no need to call me sir, mate. I’m just a few years older than you! Marcus is fine.”

With those fateful words, Marcus struck a harsh blow upon Nick’s shoulders. Tears streaming down his crimson cheeks, Nick stormed out, shouting “Sir! Sir! What the fuck is wrong with you, Nicky! SIR?!” Reports indicate he stormed into the office of an academic advisor, barged down the door, and began to sob underneath the advisor’s desk.

Nick has not been sighted since. His concerned girlfriend has established a hotline for any information regarding his whereabouts; she has also established the “Fucking Idiot Foundation” to educate first-years about appropriate terminology to call tutors. Don’t make the mistake Nick did. Don’t do a ‘Sir.’

Millennial Loudly Orgasms Mid-Way Through La Boite Production Due To Truth Overload

Allegedly, millennial Carter Beatty has aggressively orgasmed mid-way through La Boite Theatre’s current production of ‘The Dead Devils of Cockle Creek,’ due to an urgent and intense truth overload.

Mr Beatty, or ‘Sock’ as his peers call him, was planning a pleasant evening at Kelvin Grove’s premier hub for daring and courageous theatrical experiences. “Everything was going smoothly,” Sock explained to The Obiter the following day, when we caught up at an Adani protest. “I settled into my seat, excited for a night of bold drama. But I wasn’t ready for anything this bold.”

The Australian play tells the story of a rouge environmentalist living deep in the Tasmanian wilderness as she fights to stop Tasmanian Devil tumours being harvested by a chicken nugget factory. The dramatic arc, which tackles edgy yet very accessible topics such as One Nation, Trump voters and (yep) capitalism, proved too much for the thrift-shop Levi’s jeans of this millennial.

“It was as if the playwright cracked open a Kombucha of truth and started spitting it all over the stage,” Sock said in awe, before pausing to ensure we’d written his analogy down. “One moment I was enjoying the action, the next I was in the clutches of an almighty ‘gasm that rocked me all the way to my fucking core.”

Luckily for Sock, the team at La Boite were more than prepared for this type of situation. “The rabid orgasms of coastal elites is something we address on Day One of our training,” Head Usher Destineé Smallcomb revealed to The Obiter via Whatsapp. “In fact, every trainee is given mop lessons each week as a refresher.”

At press time, Sock was predicted to make a full recovery. “As long as I avoid Pedestrian.tv and Triple J for the next few days, I should be back to sensual normality in no time.”

Let this serve as a warning to millennials of Brisbane: the theatre can be a dangerous place for those who aren’t prepared to get waterboarded in unfiltered, raw progressive juice.

More to come.

Money Hack Alert! Buying Just 5000 Strawberry Clouds Will Offset UQU Rewards Card

Here at The Obiter, we get it - life is pretty tough for students (you can say that again!). Between 12 contact hours and looking for phone chargers, it’s a mystery that students even manage to get by! But easily the biggest stress for embattled students is the oldest problem in the book (the cheque book that is): money!

If you’re a student reading this saying “…money? What is this foreign word?” we hear you, sister. Luckily, The Obiter has discovered a money hack that will make life a lot easier for UQ students: the UQ Union Rewards card.

The UQ Union Rewards Card offers 10% discounts at all Union outlets on campus. The card costs $25. “What!?” we hear you yell into your smartphone. “Twenty-five whole buckaroos? Why would I spend that on a stupid card when I can spend it on a car or something?” Well, don’t stop reading. Money hack incoming.

Upon purchase of the UQU Rewards Card, here’s what to do next: walk your sweet ass down to the UQ Lolly Shop. Then, grab yourself no less than 5000 strawberry clouds. You with us? Now, head to the register and slam your red-dusted loot onto the damn counter so hard that the pimple-poked dicklord attendant sharts all over his little dumb apron.

“5000 clouds please G’uvna,” you say. The attendant will tell you some outlandish price - but what do we say to that price? “Not today!”

You whip that UQU Rewards Card out of your money belt with all the force and power of the Holy Spirit. The attendant will shred 10% and this is where the hack comes to life: clouds go for 5c a pop. 5000 will set you back $250. 10% off = $225. The difference? Ladies and gentlemen, $25.

Yep, you read that right, Jordan Belfort. You have just saved $25 and made your money back. Plus, you’ve got 5000 little puffs of crimson, sugary glory to show for it.

With this Obiter exclusive hack, you’re effectively making money. Move over Tom Tilley, because you might as well be hosting Triple J ‘Hack,’ with this sort of manoeuvre. You’re Jason Hackermanis fighting on Hacksaw Ridge with your comrade and star of School Of Rock, Hack Hack.

So yeah, money can be tight. But with this sort of hack you’ll be swimming in a pool of money, and clouds, in no time at all. Welcome to Strawberry Cloud 9!

Channel 10 To Boost Ratings With Six More Shit Shows Starring Dave Hughes

After entering voluntary administration in mid-2017, executives at Channel 10 have kicked off their bid to return to economic viability by announcing the introduction of six more Dave Hughes stinkers.

Acting CEO of Channel 10, Paul Anderson, broke the news at a press conference early this morning, stating that “…since the BBL has gone off our screens, and we can’t bank on lucrative Zooper Dooper sponsorships, we’re going to have to turn to Hughesy to save the day. Again!” After groans from journalists, Mr. Anderson insisted that “…Hughes wasn’t that unfunny on Rove back in the day. He had his moments!”

Anderson also confirmed rumours that, in one of the new programs, Hughes will be joined by fellow Channel 10 regulars Julia Morris and Peter Helliar, to form what some critics are crudely labelling the “Three Horseshits of the Apocalypse”.

Documents leaked to The Obiter reveal some of the new shows. They include ‘Hughes Line Is It Anyway’, an improvisational comedy show based on Whose Line Is It Anyway, and ‘Don’t Come To Israel, It’s Full of Hughes,’ a confusingly topical show about the Jewish state of Israel and its struggles with violence and global anti-Semitism – hosted by Dave Hughes.

Whilst many are sickened by the announcement, it isn’t without its fans. Jimmy Christensen (49), the last surviving Dave Hughes fan in Australia, says that he’s excited to see where the decorated comic can take the struggling network. “I’m just really keen to see Hughesy get on the roast train this year!” exclaimed Mr Christensen, unprompted. “Choo Choo! Look out, cyclists, footy players and various other easy targets!”

Mr Hughes was unavailable when reached for comment.