“This Is Going To Make One Hell Of A Screensaver!" Beams 1939 British War Minister Over Completed 'Keep Calm and Carry On' Poster

LONDON, 1939 - A.P. Waterfield has put the finishing touches on his propaganda magnum opus, a series of posters encouraging British soldiers to 'Keep Calm and Carry On' throughout the course of the upcoming World War. Waterfield, a career civil servant within the Ministry of Information, was tasked with designing artwork that will motivate the British population. However, when he began work on the posters he did not fathom the almighty importance his work would hold for future generations.

"I completed the poster, stepped back and thought "Fuck me that is going to one heck on iPhone lock screen." Waterfield said it filled him with great pride to know that his slogan would provide comfort to many a second year student the night before a  1% tutorial answer was due. "Creating art that transcends generations in order to inspire Under 14 mixed netball coaches whose teams are down 5 goals at halftime is the reason I entered government at this crucial juncture for our nation."

Waterfield is receiving high praise from the military for his contribution. "Keep Calm and Carry On is the reason I get out of bed every morning," Army Lieutenant and head of marketing at Lorna Jane Benjamin Percy told The Obiter. "Waterfield is a patriot."

Waterfield is still glowing about his triumph. "If you had told me in 1937 that my idea would go on to become a desktop display and tote bag, I would have laughed in your face."

Waterfield is now reportedly drafting his next motivational concept, 'Keep Calm and Eat Burgers."

Gutsy Half-Century In Wii Cricket Convinces Man He Could Play For Australia

After grinding to 52* from 122 balls in Wii Cricket, a local man, Mark Moran, is convinced he could make the transition to becoming a full-time test cricketer for Australia.

Despite his cricket experience being limited to a few matches for 8D Gold in high school, Mark’s technique and patience with the Wii remote in his hand have persuaded him he has the talent and skill to take his game to the next level. Coming in with his team in trouble at 4/77, Mark executed a glorious cover drive to the boundary off his first ball, leading the crowd of Miis to celebrate wildly. But he needed more than flair to take his team to a first-innings lead – he needed patience, which he demonstrated across a three-hour innings that his mother described as ‘…has he serious been playing for three hours? Shit, he needs a job.’

His timing and execution has convinced him he should message the Australian cricket team on Facebook, and see if they need a new batsman.

‘Yeah, to be honest, I know it’s just a video game, but it’s the same basic skills right?’ said Mark, in an interview with The Obiter. ‘And ultimately, cricket’s a mental game… I’ve got all the mental elements right here!’ he yelled, pointing aggressively to his head, almost poking his eye in the process.

After getting in touch with Darren Lehmann, coach of the Australian cricket team, we can confirm that Wii Cricket is often used as selection policy, second only to actual cricketing skill and/or the game of nerve and patience, Jenga. However, Mark is unlikely to gain selection to the Australian team anytime soon. According to Lehmann, “…we’re looking for destructive, powerful hitting in Wii Cricket. Something like 223 off 48 balls. Save the gutsy half-centuries for the test arena.”

Upon hearing these comments, a shattered Mark has turned to Wii Tennis in preparation for a wildcard entry to Wimbledon. After slamming a forehand down the line, the Wii remote reportedly slipped and shattered his TV screen, leaving two shattered things in Mark’s living room. More to come.

Flying Cock Band Mix It Up With A Daring Flume Cover

Birdman Randy, the popular house band at Brisbane hotspot The Flying Cock, plan to take what they describe as a ‘massive creative risk’ by covering a song originally performed by superstar Australian DJ, Flume.

Speaking to The Obiter, the notably charismatic and charming lead singer (who you definitely feel like you know from somewhere), said ‘This is going to make some waves.’

‘No one in Brisbane will have heard a cover like this before… unless they were at the Cock last Saturday.’

The band, who plan to ease the dancefloor into the evening with that same Sticky Fingers song you hear every time, will wait until the venue is at maximum capacity before dropping the bomb that is a Flume cover.

The drummer guy could hardly contain his excitement. ‘The floor will packed, the vodka Red Bulls will be ordered, the All Hallows girls will be near the front. And then…they’ll hear… ”when you say it like that woah oh ohhhhhh!”’

Birdman Randy will begin Flumefest with Say It, before kicking on into Never Be Like You, before taking a left and pumping out a rendition of Say It. The band plans to take a quick breather before diving back in with an arrangement of Never Be Like You. To throw everyone off the scent, a sneaky Ignition (Remix) will be dropped on the floor, only to be mopped up by No Scrubs with support from One Dance. Then, out of nowhere, sneak attack: Say It. Never Be Like You. Then to as the lights come up for close, the big closer: Say It.

Safe to say it: you do not want to be anywhere but The Flying Cock this Saturday night. Or next Saturday night. Or the one after that.

Student Decapitated By Dyson Airblade In Law Library Bathroom

The Walter Harrison Law Library has reported its first death of the week, following a recent pattern of gruesome ends for students visiting the library’s bathroom facilities.

First year student, and serial sweater, Ari Biggson, was today subjected to the relatively stressful reality that his head had been cleanly removed from his shoulders, after attempting to dry his neck under the Dyson Airblade in the Level 2 Law Library bathroom.                                         

“Ari was running up the stairs, because he was late for a seminar, and the exercise, in addition to his nerves about the seminar content, contributed to a pretty heavy flow of neck sweat,” Ari’s girlfriend/pre-widow Samantha Quincy told The Obiter through tears. “He told me he was just popping off to dry his neck before class. I thought he meant with towels.” Samantha quivers.

“I thought he meant towels.”

Paramedics were quick to the scene, but got caught up talking to a guy they hadn’t seen since Year 12 on the Great Court. Once they managed to shake the lurker, it was too late.

“From what we can see, the deceased stuck his neck under the Dyson Airblade,” said head Paramedic Susan Bulance. “Probably not the best strategy, as those things pack some heat. In fact, with that amount of force they issue, we in the paramedical field are required to refer to the Dyson Airblade by their technical name: planes.”

Dyson issued a short statement on the tragedy, claiming, “…at least the boy died dry. It’s more than many of us could ever ask for.”

Rest In Peace, you dry, dead boy.

Law Graduate Nervously Refers To Family As ‘Housemates’ At Friday Drinks

23-year-old law graduate Bethany Peters, who still sleeps in the bedroom she grew up in, has made the split-second decision at her firm’s Friday afternoon drinks to refer to her parents and younger sister as her “housemates”.

Friday drinks are a hallowed tradition at Ms. Peters’ firm, Willoughby Robertson, and after polishing off the first round of pints at Jade Buddha, her much older colleagues began to discuss sharehouse horror stories, in great detail.

After countless tales of filthy bedrooms and embarrassing housemates, Bethany became rapidly aware that she was the only one at the table not contributing. During a silence, she nervously stated “yeah, same… one of my housemates always borrows my clothes without asking.” Our reports indicate she was, in fact, referring to her 17-year-old sister, Veronica Peters. A round of polite groans and cries of “ugh, the worst” gave her the confidence to commit to her account, and Bethany was soon lamenting to her workmates about a number of topics, all concerning how terrible her ‘housemates’ are.

“Two of my roommates never make my younger roommate do the washing up,” said Bethany, following up with “…they only started to let my boyfriend sleep in my room last year - they didn’t want to set a bad precedent for the share house!” Looking around the table, she made sure everyone was intently listening to her next anecdote, knowing it was absolutely killer. “When I was 6 years old, I walked in on two of my roommates absolutely going at it under the covers… I’m only now just starting to appreciate how mentally scarring it was,” she whispered. When Mark from IT agreed, stating “it’s just the worst to walk in on one of your housemates getting a good dicking,” our sources suggest Bethany winced uncomfortably.                                                   

Not wanting to appear too negative, Ms. Peters concluded her rant on a positive note. “I mean it’s not all bad, two of them pay for the WiFi, and the youngest one will always bring me a toilet roll to the bathroom if we’ve run out!”

The Obiter is awaiting further reports on whether her deception was completely successful.

Year 12 English Short Story Surprisingly Similar To Tutor’s Short Story From Three Years Ago

An English teacher at Brisbane Girl’s Brisbane School for Grammar (located in Brisbane), Miss Kelly Carmen-Smith, was shocked when reading through a Year 12 English short story, as she noticed an alarming similarity to a short story submitted three years prior.

The suspicions of Carmen-Smith were raised when school captain Gretel Sharpe’s short story began with the exact same opening line as her tutor, who attended the school a few years ago. ‘I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was finally here. I could feel the tension in my stomach, resonating deep inside me.’ This bland introduction was the exact same used by Elizabeth Barnes, 2015 Academic Captain, and known tutor. Reading on from the opening sentences, Carmen-Smith was sickened to discover even more similarities between Sharpe’s and Barnes’ efforts.

2015’s ‘A Stroll Apart’ tells the tale of young Scottish girl Emily as, in the space of 1500 words, she battles her inner demons while she is followed by a strange figure in a journey through a park which alludes strongly to the poem, ‘Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night,’ culminating in the poetic and insightful reveal that the shadowy figure is, in fact, her estranged father.

Interestingly, ‘A Walk Adrift’, by Sharpe, tells the tale of young Danish girl Sophie as, in the space of 1500 words, she battles her inner demons while she is followed by a strange figure in a journey through a small, inner-city forest area which alludes strongly to the poem ‘Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night,’ culminating in the poetic and insightful reveal that the shadowy figure is, in fact, her estranged mother-in-law.

Deciding the similarity could only be a coincidence, given the esteemed reputation of Sharpe, Miss Carmen-Smith exclaimed “What a coincidence!” loudly in her office. “This year’s story is so familiar to the one I gave an A- to 3 years ago, only as if it’s been edited and improved with the benefit of hindsight,” she said to The Obiter.

“And then I discovered Elizabeth Barnes has been tutoring Gretel for a year now! Wow, I’m no maths teacher but that must make the coincidence number marvellously high.”

Turnitin received a 0 percent match, which was strange, considering the repeated incorrect usage of the word ‘obsequious,’ and the fact that when viewed as a PDF, each word in ‘A Walk Adrift’ was separated by a white full stop in size 2 font. Weird!

More to not come gentle, into that good night.

Awkward Group Assignment Allocation Requires Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un To Meet At Merlo’s Before May

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

These were the words first uttered by stunned US President and BAFE student, Donald Trump, upon learning of his allocated group assignment partner. The random allocation is set to rewrite the course of geo-campus politics.

Kim Jong-Un, the North Korean leader with whom President Trump has engaged in a war of words with, both over Twitter and Blackboard discussion boards, was equally agitated by his tutor’s decision to impose mandatory allocations for the upcoming group assignment, “Bitcoin: Friend, Foe, or Frenemy?”

“I don’t get why we can’t just choose our own partners,” Kim moaned to The Obiter on the Great Court. “I have heaps of good mates I could’ve worked with in that tute.”

“Like who?” we asked. “China, and, um, that bloke from school… China,” was Kim’s visibly uncomfortable response.

The pair have reportedly set a deadline of May to meet, and Merlo’s has been agreed upon as the location. In a statement released by the White House, it was revealed that Merlo’s was chosen because “...it’s very open. If it gets awkward or weird, we can just like comment on the birds or something.”

Trump would be the first sitting US president to meet with an assignment partner, a historic step the Commander-in-Chief does not want to take. “Can’t we just do this on Google Drive like normal people?”

Kim Jong-Un does not believe the chances of success are high. “I’m just going to end up doing everything,” the leader whispered under his breath, after the notably beige tutor pulled his name from a wool hat. “Trump leaves everything until the night before.”

At this time, tensions are reportedly running high. The President has listed the group members as “Donald J. Trump & the Little Rocket Man,” in the document header.

QPS Report No New Leads In Search For Missing S’well

A spokeswoman for the Queensland Police Service confirmed in an urgent press conference this morning that they are not pursing any new leads in the state-wide search for a missing S’well water bottle.

“At this moment, there are no updates on the operation,” Amy Clintock told media this morning outside Queensland Police Headquarters. “We will bring you any and all information about this bottle as we receive it.” The water bottle belongs to a young woman named Caitlyn Zhang who reported on Monday that she had not seen her S’well for 45 minutes, the legislated period before which a S’well is considered “missing” by authorities. 

“I was holding the S’well and ordering a coffee  before I got chatting with an old friend,” Ms Zhang told The Obiter. “We started walking when I realised the S’well was gone.”

“Ah that sucks,” we at The Obiter responded. “Do you know whereabouts it could be?”

Ms Zhang spat back, “If I knew that it wouldn’t be lost!”

The Obiter knew we’d screwed up. “Yeah I know, I mean, like, do you know where you last had it?”

“Are you serious? The coffee shop, dude.”

“Oh yeah. So… did you read our Hughesy article?”

The QPS have dedicated all of their resources to the unfolding crisis. Morgan McAtkin, a career detective one week away from retirement, said in an interview that this is the most puzzling case to slide across his desk in 65 years with the service. “Some cases keep you up at night,” McAtkin mumbled as he sipped black coffee. “In all my years, I ain’t seen nothing like this.” McAtkin described the immediate police response upon Ms Zhang’s initial report: all flights departing and arriving at Queensland airports were grounded, state borders were sealed, a 3pm curfew has been imposed on all residents and 24/7 armed guards have been stationed at all major bubblers.

“At this point our list of suspects extends to anyone in our register who enjoys the consumption of hot or cold beverages,” McAtkin growled as he lit a rolled cigarette. “So we are narrowing it down.”

Leaked police documents unveiled future potential strategies QPS are considering, including sending an officer undercover as a Ziptap.

“Cannot believe those plans leaked,” McAtkin roared as he ran his hands through his grey beard. “We should’ve put them in a S’well.”

Considering the lack of leads and the insulation capacity of the missing target, sources within QPS believe this is destined to become a cold case.

More to come.

“This Is Just A Bloody Witch Hunt,” Says Salem Man Accused Of Witchcraft.

A Salem politician accused of witchcraft has described the investigation as ‘...just another bloody witch hunt,’ as he faces increasing pressure to resign and be burned at the stake. John Grigson, 29, has argued these accusations are ‘groundless,’ and ‘just a pathetic attempt to slander my good name.’

Last year, in December 1692, allegations of witchcraft first arose against Grigson, Deputy Sheriff, and father to a small family of nine children. After increasing community pressure, the Salem Commission Against Corruption and/or Witchcraft (SCACW) launched a comprehensive investigation into the allegations, with the local priest appointed as Special Counsel. The report of the SCACW is expected to be presented sometime this month.

However, as further witnesses have come forward with distressing accounts of Grigson’s alleged witchcraft, many have called for his resignation. Local blacksmith, Peter the Pious, argues ‘...even if the accusations are untrue, he is systematically destroying the institutions which are so critical to the Salem justice system. He should burn himself on a stake - or toss himself in the river and see if he drowns!’

Whilst many in the community have been vocally against Grigson, his loyal supporters have rallied against the SCACW’s investigation. “This is a sickening conspiracy,” suggests pro-Grigson supporter, Chris the Contrarian.

“The elites hate him because he tells it like it is. They hate we elected him to Deputy Sheriff of Greater Western Salem. Now they’re trying to bring him down - just because a few of the local girls who worked for him might have been turned into frogs!”

The SCACW report will likely be released on March 17th, 1693 (approximately two weeks away).

2018 Engineering Undergraduate Society Membership To Include Complementary 'Bazinga!' T-Shirt.

As membership numbers continue to decline, the Engineering Undergraduate Society (EUS) have taken drastic measures to win back the pecuniary support of their most abundant demographic: nerds.

The President of the EUS Robert Murray said that while many options were explored, including changing the dress code of the Engineering Ball to “tracksuits and thongs,” the Society decided after much deliberation that only the wit of Sheldon Cooper could repatriate the departed members.

“Look,” said Mr Murray, “we don’t have it as easy as you Law jabronis. Friday’s don’t just gift us unbelievable deals whenever they feel like it, and even if they did, what kind of Engineering students want to go to Friday’s? I’ll tell you who: dropouts.”

“We have to relate to our members on a deeper, psychological level”. Mr Murray went on to explain that the humour of The Big Bang Theory may be too complex for a person of even average intelligence to comprehend, and that he didn’t expect “legal numbskulls” to appreciate Chuck Lorre’s tightly constructed sitcom, nor understand the EUS’s reasoning for the change. Analysts at The Obiter estimate that the introduction of the T-Shirt will increase the EUS membership base by 690%. Bazinga!