ASIC Considers New Director’s Duty: Don’t Sexually Harass Women

The Australian Securities and Investments Commission have today considered a controversial amendment to the Corporations Act 2001, which would add to an already-exhaustive list of director’s duty.

The new duty, which has been proposed to be inserted as s588FZ in the Act, would require directors to resist from sexually harassing women. The proposal to add this duty as s69 was widely rejected as ‘not really understanding the point of this law.’

In the wake of the #MeToo movement, and a broader cultural shift toward respecting women, ASIC has continually come under fire for failing to legislate requirements which would encourage directors to not abuse their positions of power for sexual gratification.

The ASIC response of ‘what harrassment?’ has tragically been revealed to be a bit ridiculous in the Weinstein, CK, and Spacey era - way to ruin the fun for the rest of us, boys!

Many notable directors have made submissions to the federal agency, arguing they are already under enough duties, and it would be ‘dog as all fuck to add another duty the night before the Corporate exam - think of the students, ASIC!’

In response to the above submissions, ASIC have agreed to postpone adding the amendment until after the exam.

Wait, it’s tomorrow? The exam’s tomorrow?

We need to sleep!

Spending Last $2 On Sausage Sizzle When You Owe Someone A Coffee: Breaching s588G of the Corporations Act?

It came to our attention today that Sarah Burnhardt (22), a fourth-year Commerce/Law student with $2.00 in her bank account and $2.50 in coinage, decided to purchase a sausage on bread (with onion). This is despite the fact she owed a debt of One Soy Flat White, Two Sugars ($4.50), to her friend, Tom Johnson.

After conferencing with our team of skilled legal minds, we have grown concerned that Sarah may have contravened s588G of the Corporations Act 2001 - the duty to prevent insolvent trading.

Much like the poem Invictus suggests one is the master of their own fate, and the captain of their own soul, we have concluded Sarah was the director of her own wallet (or ‘coin purse,’ as she wishes it to be called). The Act thus places Sarah under a duty to prevent insolvent trading. With a debt of $4.50 at 11am today, Sarah effectively had $0.00, which keen-eyed legal eagles will note is just 1 cent shy of being insolvent.

But with the purchase of the $2 sausage, it seems Sarah’s duty has been cruelly violated by the twin evils of a Coles pork sausage, and Hi-Fibre, Lo-GI white bread.

The Act states clearly that Sarah commits an offence if she incurs a debt, and becomes insolvent by incurring said debt. There is no provision for sausage debt specifically, leading our legal team to become a little confused.

But by referring to the Sausage Act 1987, and the Sizzle Act 2001, we have concluded that young Sarah has ultimately breached s588G, leaving her without a leg to stand on, and leaving Tom without a coffee.

Similarly, we have been left without much of a clue, as we only thought through this joke to this point.

We don’t even study Corporate, we just poked our nose into Sarah’s affairs. Does contravening s588G mean the death penalty, or a slap on the wrist? Again, we genuinely don’t know.

The one thing we know for sure, however, is that any price greater than $2 for a sausage on bread is daylight robbery. Like, don’t be getting greedy, UQ Breakdance Club, just take the $2 and be grateful for what you’re given.

Writing Full Student Number, Not The One With The S, Most Difficult Part of Management Exam

Business Management students at UQ were warned of a difficult final exam, however few expected the challenge to leap off the very first page of the test.

Students, some whose total study hours had hit double figures, were immediately and unreservedly baffled by a question they complained “we weren’t at all prepared for.”

The exam opened with a bang. Students were asked to write their student number. However, the requested information was not the number with the “s” at the start with which students were familiar.

“Ah fuck, they want the long one,” business undergraduate Kelly Lacy muttered under her short, sharp breaths. “I don’t know that last digit.”

Many students have compared the elusive final digit to the second verse of Advance Australia Fair or their single uncle’s sexuality: they just don’t know it.

Even students like Lacy, who attended some of the tutorials, said that while topics like “what is management?” and “management: what is it?” were covered in depth, at no time did the course dissect the theory and practice of students’ individual student numbers.

“I had a third year’s notes for this subject from a while back and nowhere in those 7 pages did it mention anything about my student number,” bemoaned Lacy, after walking out of the exam to try her luck at a deferral.

“It’s bullshit. How am I meant to know the number, who am I Robert Langdon?”

At press time, it was revealed that Ms Lacy was in fact Robert Langdon, who had donned a cunning disguise in an attempt to solve the mystery of the enigmatic digit.

Well played, Rob.

High Court Ruling: You HAVE To Watch ‘Parks & Rec’

The High Court today handed down its highly anticipated judgement regarding one of the more vexing issues of the modern era.

The case of Lachie v All Of His Mates has received unprecedented attention as it moved its way up through the state courts, ultimately coming to its final appeal before the full bench of the High Court.

Lachie entered the legal and political fray early this year when he admitted to his friends that he had “never seen an episode of Parks & Rec.” Representatives for the plaintiffs responded swiftly. “What the fuck mate? It’s the best. It’s actually so funny dude!”

Legal action ensued, and the High Court has unanimously ruled that Lachie needs to “stop being a fucking goose” and “just smash through it.”

The nation’s highest court left no doubt as to the resolution of this issue, stating “you have just got to watch Parks & Rec. You haaaaaaaaaaave to. Like, legitimately. We are the High Court. It’s the actual law.”

“It’s so fucking good dude,” Chief Justice Kiefel wrote in her judgement. “So funny.”

Lachie’s legal team predominantly based their defence on the fact that “there’s like 16 seasons mate, I’m only just getting through The Office.”

The High Court, however, did not believe that the argument held merit. “You’ll get the memes mate,” Justice Keane write. “Is it a banger? Haha. So funny… Zing!”

The High Court similarly rejected Lachie’s submission that it’s too hard to find.

“It’s on Stan, you turkey!” an uncharacteristically agitated Justice Gordon bemoaned. “All 21 seasons! I’ll give you my log in, just seriously watch it. So funny.”

Lachie has been given 2 swotvacs to watch the 33 seasons before being held in contempt of court.

It’s so funny.

Pictured: the view from the bench in 'Lachie's Case.'

Pete Davidson Giving A Depressing Amount Of Hope To Sleep-Deprived, Sarcastic Sadboys

The tragic romantic hopes of twenty-something, sleep-deprived, sarcastically ‘funny’ sadboys were given a massive boost this week as news broke of comedian Pete Davidson’s engagement to pop star Ariana Grande.

This has been a slight disappointment to many who are concerned about the unbridled arrogance of the “sadboy”, because what self-obsessed egotists needed was further belief they could obtain the affections of any woman they wanted.

In many respects, Davidson’s engagement was a great win for comedy nerds, but a tough, gritty loss for those who have to deal with them.

Several weeks ago, it came to light that Davidson and Grande had begun a relationship, after both had split from long-term partners, Cazzie David and Mac Miller, respectively.

The interests of comedy sadboys were piqued at this time, as they identified a kindred spirit in Davidson, a 24-year old with a cool demeanour, oft-cynical style, and a deadpan nature that have brought him much success in comedy.

The subsequent engagement of Grande and Davidson is obviously a huge victory for love and their eternal commitment to one another, but doubles as the boost in hope that the sadboys have been looking for. Second only to the news that Elon Musk and Grimes have shacked up together, this news has firmed their belief that every woman is attainable, and that their life should be conducted in accordance with that belief.

At the end of the day, all the best to the happily engaged couple - from your friends, The Obiter.

Chaos As Law Library Desk Spontaneously Combusts Under Sheer Mass of Biology Textbooks

The worst fears of several law students materialised on Monday when a library desk collapsed and exploded under the stress of what witnesses described as a “genuinely abhorrent amount,” of biology materials.

It is believed that Biology majors, Ross Hamilton (19), and Nick Shepard (22), were responsible for the catastrophic failure, which left six surrounding students hospitalised.

The Obiter understands that neither Hamilton nor Shepard were present at the time of the collapse, as both were comfortably engaged in a three hour lunch break at Merlo. There is no suspicion of foul play.

Concerned law students have come in their tens to condemn the incident, which some have described as an act of terrorism. “This is exactly why I wanted to get these jabronis out of the law library!” shouted second year Thomas Van Schmidt to a nodding crowd of like-minded students in the Moot Court.

“We need action! I didn’t work so hard at Grammar to get an OP1 just so I had to share a library with these cun- I mean, just to be shrouded in shrapnel from a collapsing desk!”

In aid of his cause, Schmidt has taken a retaliatory shit on the floor of the Level 4 Bathrooms - an act he has pledged to repeat daily until the University takes action against the desk thieves.

Godspeed Schmitty, godspeed.

UQ Exam News: ‘You May Be Charged With Misconduct, And Sentenced To Death’ Warns Overly-Enthusiastic Invigilator

For years at the University of Queensland, students sitting exams have been treated to the dulcet tones of invigilators: the kind retirees who ensure the safety and integrity of the examination process.

A classic warning of these invigilators is colloquially known as the ‘Misconduct Threat,’ whereby actions such as talking during the exam, using impermissible materials, or looking at another’s paper means ‘...you will be reported to your faculty, and may be charged with misconduct.’ Just a normal warning, isn’t it?

Today, that all changed. For those completing the end-semester examination for Contracts A, they were greeted with an overly-keen invigilator who, at the ripe old age of 86, told the room ‘...you may be charged with misconduct - and put to death.’

Drawing some confused looks from some of the students, the invigilator now identified as Marcus Gronson (ex-forensic accountant, lives in West End, seven grandkids) continued.

‘Misconduct has been going on for far too long. This room drips with the stench of misconduct. And the faculties are getting sick of it. I’m getting sick of it. This whole goddamn town is sick of it. So we’re taking new measures, extreme measures, deadly measures - the charge of misconduct will now formally carry the death penalty as its maximum sentence. And you can be damn sure your faculty will be seeking the maximum.’

What was initially mild concern from the students had soon grown to a strong sense of tension. Our reports from the room indicate no-one was freaking out, but it’s not like anyone was relaxed, either. It seems like there was a vague sense of anticipation; certainly accompanied by fear, but not dominated by that fear.

The invigilator was later discovered to have no employment at the University, in any way shape or form. Suspiciously, they have completely denied there even being a ‘Contracts A’ exam, and the charge of misconduct has been removed from the University rules & regulations.

Intrigue.

2010-2016 Churchie Old Boys Desperately Hoping Kalyn Ponga Picked For QLD So They Have Something Interesting To Say

If Newcastle Knights speedster Kalyn Ponga is picked to play for the Maroons in Origin II, he will have more than just the hopes of passionate Queensland rugby fans on his shoulders. He will be struggling under the weight of every Anglican Church Grammar School Old Boy, who have waited patiently years to be able to interject in a conversation, “...you know Kalyn Ponga? The Queensland winger? Held the bin open for him at lunch once.”

Ever since The Waterboy brought Ponga to the attention of football-obsessed Australians, Churchie students have been licking their lips at the prospect of repeatedly mentioning the fact Kalyn was a “BOC.” And whilst his meteoric rise to the North Queensland Cowboys, and now, the Knights, has been nothing short of extraordinary, his name remains just shy of enormous Australian fame.

But all that may change, with the stroke of a selector’s pen.

Old Boys, such as 2013’s Nick Kerringway-Harrington, himself a Second XV Rugby player and prefect, have had their Ponga anecdotes locked and loaded for some years now. As a deeply, deeply boring man, Kerringway-Harrington’s conversational efforts have been dry for the past few months.

But this burst of content could be exactly what he needs.

In an exclusive interview, Kerringway-Harrington (pick one last name, mate, bit greedy), has described the situation in which he’d be able to deploy his “conversational hydrogen bomb.”

“So I’m in a conversation… let’s say a group of people, let’s say six… and this chirpy bloke who knows Darren Lockyer’s dealer is holding the room - but then I drop it. Then I mention that Kalyn and I once shared a celebratory hug after defeating TGS. That’s when I leave the room a God.”

Nick’s delusion is matched only by his confidence that Ponga will be selected. Unfortunately, there appears to be no Plan B if he is not.

Difficult scenes.

It’s Holidays!

Finally! After week of study and exams, it’s finally the holidays!

Yep, as the author of this article who strategically took a few intensives and an Arts subject, I can wholeheartedly and unreservedly declare that it is, in fact, the holidays! Get ready to sleep in dickheads!

The Principal of UQ, that damn sexy legend, just texted me and said “Oi fuck knuckle- guess what? It’s the absolute fucking holidays you Maroon Dam!

This text can only serve as undeniable evidence that yes yes yes yes yes we are ALL on holidays.

My exams are done! That means yours are! Let’s go get an alcohol and eat a whole pizza!

Wow, holidays! I thought they’d never come ! It’s amazing how all the hard work pays off. Hmmmmm did someone say Noosa? Nope. Ah well, I did! It’s the fucking holidays you mango slurping naval officers!

Hahahahaha wow.

Great to be on holidays! Enjoy the break! And remember - no exams ! Haha

'28 Days Later' Sequel To Focus on Failure To File Notice of Intention To Defend

28 Days Later is getting another sequel! The horror saga will continue by telling the story of a defendant in a civil matter in Queensland forgetting to file a notice of intention to defend.

Under the Uniform Civil Procedure Rules 1999 (Qld), a defendant has 28 days to file a notice of their intention to defend. That's under rule 100 and something. The exam is tomorrow fuck me why I am writing an Obiter right now.

The film is set to be the most frightening in the franchise, with jump scares and default judgements.

Listen, this is really a one joke article and we respect you too much to flesh this out beyond what is really a dumb play on words for the kids doing civil tomorrow.

I genuinely haven't done enough civil study to add more jokes. I'm sorry.

People really just read the headline anyway. Some incel said that in UQ Politics Space 3.0 this week.

Good luck with exams. You deserve an Obiter that is better than this. We will work hard to ensure that you get it.