New Species of Tadpole Grows In Unwashed Reusable Coffee Cup

Spotted festering on a table outside Merlo’s, a new species of tadpole has been discovered in a local man’s reusable KeepCup.

Andy Morrison (22), a King’s College resident and, clearly, the saviour of the environment, has dedicated his last six months to singing the praises of the reusable coffee cup to anyone who will listen. But unfortunately, Andy himself has not been listening to the instructions that came with the KeepCup.

“Wash regularly with each use.”

Those five words have been criminally forgotten by Andy, and have led to a sickening combination of espresso and full-cream milk festering in small dregs at the bottom of his environmentally-conscious vessel. These dregs have, finally, given rise to a small colony of baby frogs, colloquially known as ‘tadpoles.’ Scientists have been hesitant to name these tadpoles, but they have been given the working title of Fuccingyucc fullcreemelk.

This disgusting little pocket of frog life is not the only thing to have developed at the bottom of Andy’s unwashed cup. Reportedly, some AIDs has grown, risking the infection of the tadpoles.

The proliferation of the AIDs virus amongst organisms growing in KeepCups is not altogether uncommon, but still cause for genuine concern amongst university students.

The incident has made S’well, Frank Green, and KeepCup users radically rethink their washing strategies, and whether the environment is really worth saving anyway.

Both Intellectual League Fans Furious That Origin Falls In SWOTVAC

Australia’s two intellectual rugby league fans are reportedly ‘...absolutely fuming!’ that Game I of State of Origin has fallen within SWOTVAC, leading to a dilemma that is experienced by remarkably few.

The Venn diagram of the SWOTVAC-obsessed intellectual and the Origin-obsessed league fan has, according to our research, crossed over literally five times in history, and only two present students find themselves in the middle of this Venn diagram; Toowoomba’s Melissa Harris (23), studying a Bachelor of Biomedical Science (Hons), and Brisbane’s own Damien Smyth (21), a Commerce/Law student.

Many suspect Damien follows rugby league solely to be a contrarian against his father, an investment banker, diehard Wallabies supporter, and known critic of ‘...the working class rugby football match,’ (known in most circles as ‘rugby fuckin’ league’).

Normally, young Australians like Melissa and Damien find themselves on an Origin night either with their family, screaming at a television, or with friends, screaming at a television, or in a fine gastropub, such as the Caxton Hotel, screaming at a television. But tonight, with Origin falling right in the middle of SWOTVAC, they are faced with a tragic decision, one that will spell doom for either their passion for rugby league, or their exam performance this coming week.

‘I’m honestly just fucking gobsmack-- sorry, rather shocked at the scheduling decision,’ said Melissa, her country Queensland roots almost escaping.

She continued. ‘It just shows a complete lack of respect from the NRL toward university students desperately studying to achieve straight 7s for their ninth semester in a row - it’s almost as if that’s not their target market!’

Damien, on the other hand, whilst peeved, seemed relatively unfazed. ‘Honestly, I think I’ll just yell at Dad about how the Wallabies suck, say I’m going to the Alderley Arms Hotel to watch the game with some battlers, and then sneak off to uni to nab a couple extra hours of study.’

When further questioned about the game, it became apparent Damien intended just to check the score and Facebook comments at its conclusion, so he could learn just enough to say things like ‘wow, Roberts’ speed through the ruck was something else,’ and ‘Cordner’s leadership left a lot to be desired in the dying minutes of the game.’

Ultimately, the intellectual rugby league fan is a small, but somewhat passionate breed. We are disappointed in the NRL for the sheer flaccidity of this scheduling decision.

Hitler & Mussolini Issue Press Release On Decision To Leave UQ Politics Society 3.0

In a move that has shocked international political analysts and second-year university students with passionate opinions and too much time on their hands, noted right-wing fascists, Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini, have decided to leave the Facebook group ‘UQ Politics Society 3.0’.

In a joint press release released by Facebook live video at 4pm today, the two former leaders stated that the choice was a difficult one, but one that was spurred by ‘...a genuinely shocking amount of bigotry, racism and anti-semitism,' being pedalled in the form of Facebook polls and arguments in comments sections of the group.

‘Yeah it was disappointing when the first and second versions of the UQPS went down, but the third iteration has just proved too much for me to handle - I can’t believe the level of hate some people are capable of,’ said literal Hitler.

When asked for his response to comments in the group such as ‘I support Nazi social policy’ and members calling people ‘...left wing middle class soy latte lovers’ and ‘Winnie the Jew,’ Mussolini shook his head, only able to utter a solemn ‘mamma mia,’ whilst feasting on spaghetti, red wine, and the bitter taste of a failed fascist state.

We were quite shocked by Hitler and Mussolini’s decision to leave, so we conducted some investigations of our owns. We found the group’s administrators have made some attempts to ban members and delete comments, but polls asking ‘Are more women choosing celibacy and lesbianism because men are less masculine?’ and comments stating ‘Please! No transgenders in my bathroom, thanks,’ simply proved just a ‘bit too much’ for der Fürher and the Il Duce.

‘We can only hope for a future where UQ students can discuss political issues without fear of being called ‘cucks’ or being asked for double-blind, peer-reviewed, ideologically-neutral, aggressively-cited studies backing up any opinion,’ the press release reads, ‘...but at the moment this feels like a pipe dream.’

Reports indicate that since leaving the group, both Hitler and Mussolini have been in discussions with Fox News about a potential morning chat show, in their more moderate segment. After all, some have argued Hitler was actually a left-wing socialist - what could bring more diversity to the Fox News lineup?

Sun-Drenched Teens Dust Off The Board And Bikinis Before Excitedly Enrolling In Summer Semester

What time is it? Summer Semester time!

Yep, it’s that time of year kids! Despite it being the first day of Swotvac and actually getting a bit cold, today is the day to start daydreaming about sunscreen and Blackboard – it’s summer semester enrolment time! Woo hoo!!

Dozens of sun-drenched tweens have sprinted out of the blue ocean today, ditching their surfboards and leaping onto My Si-net to start planning their summer!

You can almost smell it now – chlorine, pavlova and a 3000-word research essay on a topic of your choice! It’s hard to sit still knowing that a hot, wet summer of learning is just around the corner!

Is that Danny Zuko and Sandy Olsson and their chorus of friends, I hear? Singing, even? Oh yeah, their singing “Summer Nights”, a feel-good smash penned about the kids’ sunny exploits of spending their holidays in a feral library while their family chills out at Noosa! No Cornettos in the Law Library!

Summer of ’69? Yep, that checks out! As in, Summer of 69 hours spent referencing a casenote that you had to do instead of attending a week at your best mate’s apartment in Coolum.

A week drinking Corona at the beach: Cool…um? Several all-nighters diving deep into the nuances Immigration law policy? Coolest!

So don’t forget to order a new pair of boardies that you can wear in the comfort of the Level 3 void, kids! Uni days are drifting away and it’s time for the summer nights of giving drinks a miss and studying sports law governance!

Death Penalty Replaced With Johnathan Thurston ‘Kicking For Your Life’

For many years, the death penalty has existed across the world as a punishment reserved solely for the most heinous crimes.

But in a historic moment, on this day, every country has elected to abolish the death penalty - and replace it with Johnathan Thurston kicking for your life, in a Game 3 decider, from the sideline, points locked at 16-all.

The certainty of the death penalty has been deemed to harsh, but some countries were unwilling to abolish outright the murder of criminals. Hence, in a joint partnership between the United Nations and Nine’s Wide World of Sports, those sentenced to death will now have the option of Johnathan Thurston kicking for your life.

Over the years of Channel Nine rugby league commentary, esteemed professionals such as Paul Vautin, Phil Gould, and Ray Warren, have often commented that “...if you had to have anyone kicking for your life, I reckon it’d be JT.” This is typically referred to in the context of another kicker being technically more proficient, or having a superior goalkicking percentage - but when it comes down to it, with your life on the line, JT is the man.

In an ironic twist, Phil Gould was busted with 22kg of Ugandan ecstasy whilst attempting to travel through Thailand, and now will be the first criminal to have the option of Johnathan Thurston kicking for his life in a pressure situation.

Gould will, as a result, commentate the kick that will decide his life.

We love to see it.

'I'll Buy You A Drink Inside': Catholic Church Announces Compensation Plan For Victims Of Child Sex Abuse

In incredible scenes, the Catholic Church has announced its plan to compensate victims of systemic child sex abuse by buying them all "a drink when we get inside."

The Royal Commission into the institutionalised sex abuse of children in the Catholic Church has led to a range of sweeping reforms, both theological and political. However, many have continually called for the Church to institute a compensation plan for the victims of this horrific episode in the history of the Church.

They've gone and done it. In a move described as "groundbreaking," these victims will now be compensated by the purchasing of an alcoholic drink inside the club we're going to tonight.

Despite the victim’s pleas to just transfer to their bank accounts, the Church has insisted that this will be much easier for all parties involved. Even when the victims clearly provided their bank account and BSB, the Church waved this away, saying they'd "rather just shout you a drink, you stinge!"

When questioned about the scope of the compensation that will be available, Vatican spokesperson Geoffrey Crown has told Obiter that it will be “all good bro”. The Obiter sought further clarification about whether a cash transfer was considered, we were met with the simple response of "...chill bro, what, do you not even want the victims of horrific abuse to get a drink inside?"

Spokesman Geoffrey Crown continued. “We acknowledge we are in the wrong here, and just want to make it up to everyone we have hurt by our deliberate sheltering of known peodophiles.”

“We are more than happy buy everyone a schooner of mid-strength beer to make up for this silly old mess, just don’t go crazy on the spirits - we’re not made of money!” reports the spokesperson for the institution which is yet to file a tax return.

Unconfirmed sources have also indicated to Obiter that the Church’s parents may pay for its Uber account. Therefore, the Church seeking everyone to "pay us back for the Uber home" is pretty high and mighty, much like God.

More information as it comes.

‘Wowzas! No JT, No Cam Cronk, No Scotty Thurston!’ Says Friend Who Pays Attention To League Once A Year

All across Australia, casual rugby league fans are gearing up for the one time of year they pay any attention to the game, providing their hot takes and aggressive opinions to anyone who will listen.

However, some are slightly more informed than others.

Rob Bassingthwaite (23), a final-year Arts/Law student, who could name the entire Reds squad without blinking an eyelid, is telling anyone who will listen that ‘...the loss of Cammy Cronk will really make the ruck harder to operate. And think of the game management! Why will no-one think of the game management?’

Rob thinks of himself as a bit of a Renaissance man, dabbling in sports, the arts, politics, and culture with the fine precision of a well-educated gentleman.

But unfortunately, he surrounds himself with friends who know a thing or two about league - and they have been all too happy to describe him to The Obiter as ‘objectively, a fucking idiot.’

Sarah O’Reilly (22), a classmate of Rob’s, and a lifelong Queensland Maroons fan, has found herself very irked at Rob’s constant chirp about ‘Scott Thurston’ and ‘JT’s the man… how could they forget The Man?’

Speaking exclusively about her distress, Sarah indicated she was happy league was getting the recognition it deserved, but ‘...pretty peeved blokes like Rob are passing themselves off as experts. I think I genuinely heard him suggest Quade Cooper should be making his way into the Maroons forward pack - and that they should bring back Russell Crowe as coach.’

As soon as the 2018 Origin series is over, Rob will return to his humble ignorance. But for now, those in his immediate circle must suffer the insufferable.

Good luck.

PC Gone Mad! Dr. Seuss’ Masturbation Book “The Meat I Beat” Pulled From Primary School Shelves

Call a Royal Commission into the Political Correctness Police because they’ve well and truly gone mad! In shocking, disappointing, disgusting news coming out of primary schools today, the PC-government-bureaucratic clowns have decided to pull a classic piece of literature from the shelves of the schools, with some even plucking this iconic children’s book from the grubby fingers of Year 3 students.

Dr. Seuss’ wonderful, whimsical tale of masturbation, “The Meat I Beat,” was unceremoniously declared as ‘inappropriate’ and dumped from the Year 3 curriculum. We wonder if the government can even remember their childhood, with the fine Doctor Theodore Seuss encouraging us to masturbate, or are they all just robots?

Riddle me that, bureaucrat!

Or should I say, bureauCAT. Because you’re all a bunch of scaredy-cats, afraid for seven-year olds to learn something natural and beautiful from the pen of a 62-year old man with a penchant for rhyme.

In protest, The Obiter have elected to print the text of “The Meat I Beat” in full. If you’re with your kids, let them read this, as it was and should be an important cornerstone of youth education.

“It was a boring day,
All rain, no sun,
I had nothing to do,
No friends, no fun,

Then I thought of meat,
The meat I eat,
But then I thought, wait!
There’s meat I beat,

It’s good meat, nice meat,
Blue meat, red meat,
I will beat, I must beat,
The meat I beat,

I laid down on,
Our blue-ish rug,
And then I went,
To give it a tug,

I was very glad,
And not at all ashamed,
So I stood up,
And went on with my day,

It was very fun,
And like Darren Lehmann,
Was the coach of Australia,
I am the master of my semen.”

— Dr. Seuss

ABC Journalists Forced To Have A Daily Beer With The ‘Common Man’ Under New Guidelines

In response to criticisms that they are ‘out of touch,’ public broadcaster, the ABC, has implemented new company guidelines, making it mandatory for every employee to have a ‘beer with the common man’ each and every day.

For many years, the ABC has been one of the most respected and admired news organizations in this country, routinely breaking significant stories, and providing a valuable public service.

But in recent times, they have suffered accusations of being too ‘out of touch,’ too ‘inner-city liberal,’ and being ‘lefty cucks.’ Despite the fact these accusations pretty much only come from inner-city elite conservatives who are weirdly angry about welfare, many of the criticisms have stuck.

But in a bid to reform their image, Operation Honest Beer has begun.

Trendy inner-city bars are out, and local pubs are in. Staff from the ABC offices in Brisbane have been instructed to travel to the Stafford Tavern, the Runcorn Tavern, the Alderley Arms Hotel, the Ferny Grove Tavern, the Aspley Hotel, or the Jindalee Bar & Grill, to share a schooner of lager with ‘the common man.’

‘The common man’ has been identified as someone over the age of 40, who looks weary at the end of a long day, and is not dressed in a suit. The official guidelines state ‘...if you look at someone, and the first word that springs to your mind is “battler” - they’re a common man. Sit with them, buy them a XXXX Yellow, a Tooheys Very Dry, or whatever trash the commonfolk drink these days. Learn their story. Let it humble you.’

In a move that has confused many conservatives, the ritualistic shouting of beer by ABC employees will be taxpayer-funded. Not wanting to shit on the Aussie battler and the prospect of said battler receiving a free beer every day, LNP leader Malcolm Turnbull described the move as ‘...interesting. I myself like a beer. Not sure about the taxpayers paying for beers, but as a fan of the beer, a beer enthusiast, a slut for beer, then yes, this is quite possibly, certainly, a good move.’

This policy is likely leading to a ‘groundbreaking’ Four Corners report on the state of working-class Australia and their heinous addiction to alcohol. Confusingly, you’d think shouting someone a beer every day is a surefire way to encourage their addiction. But those lefty cucks at the ABC are so bloody out of touch!

Drink up, punters. And would you like a tobacco cigarette to wash down that lager beer?

Scientists Find The Numberplate ‘B00BS’ Aggressively Reduces Your Chance Of Interacting With Any

Researchers at the University of Brisbaneland (UoB) have announced today their results to an epic, government-funded, 10-year study examining the effect of lame numberplates on heterosexual males’ chances for getting any action.

They concluded that there is a direct inverse relationship with having any breast-connotation on your number plate and actually getting to touch, see, or even discuss breasts with attractive partners of the other gender. “Because it is super-duper lame” was the general sentiment by researchers.

“Essentially, you say breast, they say rest,” concluded Doctor Rosanne Smith, Chief Researcher, obviously very satisfied at her little rhyming statement.

“It’s a numberplate, not an upside-down calculator.”

The conclusion also applies to any breast-based puns or using numbers to replace letters, such as ‘B0085’, or ‘B zero zero eight five’, to use its Star Wars droid name equivalent.

General punters of the Brisbaneland community have expressed their dismay at this results. Obiter interviewed Michael Jeffries, 28-year-old business analyst with the numberplate ‘T1TT1EZ’.

“I mean, it’s real disappointing yeah, but I mean it makes sense. Closest I ever got to staring into the eye of a boob was one night out at ‘Dunder with some poor backpacker, but once we got to my car which I’d parked in the loading zone for an hour outside, she took one look at the numberplate and ran back inside.”

“I didn’t even know she could read the English!”

This is a sad day. However, some positive news comes out of the sister study which revealed that numberplates with the word ‘P00P’ are still, unequivocally, hilarious.