‘I Have Really Serious Privacy Concerns About MyHealthRecord!’ Says Local Man Who Regularly Snapchats His Explosive Diarrhoea

The MyHealthRecord database will be an important tool in modern Australian healthcare, enabling doctors to access critical information, and giving researchers the capability to synthesise large amounts of information to promote significant medicinal advances. With a connected national healthcare system, medical practitioners will have greater ease in providing better treatment.

However, some have raised concerns regarding privacy, with many fearful that the information may be accessed by those other than medical professionals. Similarly, some have rejected the concept on principle, arguing it is inappropriate for the government to collect such information in a centralised place.

One such person who has expressed privacy concerns is Mike Cook (19), a second-year Law student, whose approach to privacy is so famously loose that he Snapchats graphic images of his explosive diarrhoea to his friends.

He also regularly sends nudes to women who don’t ask for them, and boasts about his fairly mild sexual exploits with such volume that he might as well be screaming them from the rooftops.

This man has doubts about privacy.

Mike has said to his friends, in his Messenger group chat ‘Darren’s A Poofstar’ (a reference to another of Mike’s friends, Darren McGregor, who was called a poofter in Year 9 for reading Twilight: Breaking Dawn), that he ‘has some grave doubts about the efficacy of the protective firewalls,’ as if he is an IT expert that has a nuanced understanding of data security.

In conversations over beers, where Mike regularly leaves his wallet, full of personal information, sitting loosely on a nearby table, he has mentioned that he ‘doesn’t think the government needs to get their grubby little porcelain hands,’ on his personal data.

After we spoke with Darren, of ‘Darren’s A Poofstar’ fame, he also made the point that Mike has effectively no medical information to hide.

‘He sprained his ankle in Year 10 playing dodgeball at Morning Tea, but I don’t think that’ll make the database.’

Or will it? We really don’t know. No more to come.

Amazing! Nicolas Cage Broke Into Law Library And Stole Declaration Of Independence From That Special Desk No-One’s Allowed To Use

Wow.

Call me a long-haired, blonde-haired Sean Bean, but I can't believe what has just happened. For half a year now, that random desk in the Law Library near the printers has stood there with a sign on it saying 'For Display Only'.

"Ridiculous", we at The Obiter thought. "What's the point of it?"

Well, it turns out globe-trotting adventurer Nicolas Armory Cage and his ragtag bunch of treasure-finding misfits knew all the point. And they knew it all along.

Last night, between the hours of 2am and 3am, Nicholas infiltrated the Lawbry having stole the fingerprints of Rick Bigwood, snuck past the one security guard and a bunch of people playing Warcraft (or something like that - who knows!) to successfully drill under the desk and steal the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America!

This is huge news! For ages we thought the Dec of 'Pendy (as it's commonly called) was held under super-high security in the United States' National Museum of United States and Guns.

But no, it was in a secret compartment in the desk all along! THAT'S why we can't use it!

Nicholas Cage, when asked at gunpoint, relinquished his silence and revealed he was going to crack the code hidden in the paper to save his dying GPA, which has sufferred ever since missing a whole semester to film The Sorcerers' Apprentice with the UQ Theatresports Society.

We wish him the very best of luck. He's a national treasure, right?

Maybe more to come if we get funding for a sequel.

Revealed! UQ Law Dean Patrick Parkinson Is An Animagus Who Can Transform Into A Discarded Boost Juice Cup

Powerful scenes emerged last night in the Seddon building, UQ's equivalent of the Shrieking Shack.

The Seddon was long held to be haunted, braved only by UQ College and a little bit of the Psychology department. But last night, students Parry Hotter, Germione Hanger and Won Reasley snuck in to discover an amazing secret.

Patrick Parkinson is an Animagus.

That's right, we are not kidding you all. This is not fake news. Long thought to be dead after disappearing from the public shortly after being elected Dean, the only trace of Patrick Parkinson was a fish finger left in his office after Open Day. But Professor and Lecturer of LAWS4560: Statutory Defences Against The Dark Arts, Remis Lupin, discovered using UQ's St Lucia Map App that Patrick Parkinson was alive all along.

Associate Professor Dr Sirius Black revealed that Patrick Parkinson was "Is this room... right... there!" pointing to Won Reasley's shoulder.

"Me?" stammered Won.

"Not you - the Boost Juice!"

As it turned out, like most locations in St Lucia, there was in fact a Boost Juice lying on the floor. After a brief scuffle, Patrick Parkinson was unveiled. He revealed he had used his Boost Juice disguise to eavesdrop on conversations about the future of Law at UQ.

Damn. Huge news, and a rough start for Semester Two.

Rest assured, The Obiter will continue to dive deep into uncovering all the unregistered animagi.

And as for the Seddon? The dementors can have it.

Eager Lecturer Really Going Hard On Those Emails

Despite classes only formally starting this week, lecturers all around the university have been going ham on the blackboard notifications. It appears that Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) set by the University seem to equate the frequency of communications by the lecturer with the quality of the course.

There doesn’t necessarily seem to be a correlation between the course content and these communiques either, with some students reporting that their economics professor sent an email titled ‘Remember to floss!’ while another student reported receiving ‘a recipe for pea and ham soup,' from their marketing course coordinator.

‘Jesus, don’t they have anything better to do,’ asks third year student Pierre Nicholson

‘The barrage began in O-Week, I was finishing up my Sail Croatia holiday and suddenly I start getting sent all this shit about pre-readings.’

Mr Nicholson told The Obiter that he has not opened a single one of his 22 Blackboard notifications and might go to a lecture this semester if he is lucky. As far as he is concerned, if lecturers wanted greater engagement with the students they should ‘ease up a bit’ and ‘not act so desperate’.

His Tinder matches implore him to heed his own advice.

‘Saturdays Are For The Boys,’ Proudly States Man Who Has No Other Choice

It’s rare a simple five-word phrase can carry so much meaning, and reveal such a glut of information about the user of the phrase. That phrase is ‘Saturdays are for the boys,’ which in breaking news, was used this weekend by a local man who has literally no other choice.

Lachie Stockton (22), who studies Commerce/Business Management, and dreams of interning for Carlton United Brewing because he ‘loves a frothy,’ is a man with little weekend options.

For the most part, his options are limited, other than drinking beer with the same friends he went to school with, discussing women at length whilst never actually meeting any, and attending the same clubs where he will subsequently yell ‘The boys!’ at an obscene volume any time a remotely interesting song is played by the DJ, who he knew at school, a fact which is constantly escaping his lips.

Despite the fact Lachie is faced with effectively no alternative each and every weekend, he will still relentlessly tell anyone and everyone who will listen that ‘Saturdays are for the boys.’

He often uses an array of swear words to spice up this simple and depressing statement, such as ‘Saturdays are for the fucking boys,’ emphasising just how good the boys are, or ‘Fucking Saturdays are for the boys,’ focusing on the importance of the day itself.

Lachie will often mistakenly say ‘Saturdays are for fucking the boys,’ implying he wishes to have rampant sex with his friends every weekend. If he does, good for him. It’ll probably be a hell of a lot more interesting than a case of Tooheys Extra Dry and conversation which is 80% his friends saying ‘Oi Lach,’ ‘Lachie, you legend,’ or variations on that theme.

As another week dawns, Lachie can barely wait for the weekend to come, and is excited about the prospect of deploying his favourite phrase.

Good luck, mate.

Report: ‘Here’s Trouble’ Rarely Said In Situations Where Trouble Actually Arises

A fascinating report has just been released by the Australian Institute for Verbal Analyses (AIVA), regarding the contemporary use of the phrase ‘here’s trouble,’ amongst Australian-speaking entities.

After several years of comprehensive investigation, cross-referencing data with multiple institutions across the globe, AIVA have found a damining conclusion.

‘Here’s trouble,’ is pretty much never said when there is actual trouble, or concern, or genuine fear.

Unfortunately for those who like their phrases to have direct relation to the situations in which they find themselves, ‘here’s trouble’ seems to be solely applied to situations where the stakes are almost obscenely low. For example, when a friend who drank to excess the previous night turns up unwell this next day, or when someone you knew at school bumps into you at uni and you want to feign the closeness you had some years ago.

Trouble often occurs in everyday life, even when you’re not playing the hit board game ‘Trouble.’ Whether the trouble involve Trump’s collusion with Russia, or awkward social situations, or disobeying your teacher in Year 7, trouble honestly isn’t that hard to come by.

It feels like the odds are that, at a certain point, ‘here’s trouble’ and instances of actual trouble should line up.

What are the odds?!

Pretty slow news day here at The Obiter, anyway, what’s new with you?

Breaking! Kenyan High Court Challenge To Ownership Of The Song ‘Mombasa’ From The Inception Soundtrack

Hot news today coming out of the Kenyan High Court, as Chief Justice David Maraga is set to form a ‘bench to hear’ petition regarding ownership of one of the best songs on the Inception soundtrack: track 7, entitled ‘Mombasa.’

The county and national governments of Kenya have both claimed ownership of the song, with the national government arguing there is a strong public interest in Kenya as a nation having broad ownership over the compelling Hans Zimmer track, whilst county governments are quick to point out the port of Mombasa, on which the song is based, is firmly in their jurisdiction.

The song Mombasa, whilst not employing 7000 people, is an important touchstone for those who are a fan of Christopher Nolan’s compelling blend of sci-fi action and intellectual rhapsodizing. Certainly this case will be followed with keen interest.

Explanation below, for those who aren’t well caught up with current Kenyan news.

Chief Justice David Maraga is set to form a bench to hear petition seeking to place Mombasa port under county government after High Court referred the matter to him. The case has the potential to shake up the relationship between counties and national governments over the control of key economic institutions. Should the petition succeed, the county government of Mombasa would take over management and operations of the port, which employs 7,000 people and generated Sh38 billion in revenue last year from handling goods traded between East Africa, the Great Lakes region and the rest of the world.

Comedic Genius Writes ‘Drug Money’ In Description For Bank Transfer

Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Chappelle, Mike Wazowski are all icons of comedy, but their decades of experience pale in comparison to the simple act of one local legend. Jack Bennett (21), a Commerce/Business Management student with a penchant for Coronas and stolen Netflix passwords, has rocked the comedy world to its very foundations.

What did he do, you ask? How did his razor-sharp wit, and daring style, capture the laughter and adoration of all who appreciate quality comedy? It’s simple. Almost so simple, you’ll ask how you’d never done it before.

After a friend bought him a six-pack, Jack had to transfer that friend $18. The CommBank app shone its yellow light into Jack’s eyes, and cast inspiration into his heart. When the app asked from a description of the humble money transfer, Jack’s chubby thumbs moved to the keypad, delicately typing out those fateful words.

‘Drug money.’

Zinger. By suggesting the financial transfer was in fact for illegal narcotics, and not lager beer, Jack utilised the old art of deception in aid of comedy brilliance.

Who would look at the statement, and notice drug money? The Australian Federal Police? Jack’s Mum? Whomever would gaze upon this statement would be subject to a prank known only to Jack, making him the puppetmaster of prose, the Sultan of satire, the Alpha of absurdity.

Jack is reportedly planning to take this gag on tour, sharing his insight and wisdom with crowds ranging from his friend Tom, who lives in Bulimba, and Mark, who resides in a cupboard under the stairs in Runcorn. Truly a cross-country comedy spectacular!

Reports indicate he has several new jokes prepared, including pressing ‘Enter’ on a friends laptop whilst they’re typing a message in order to make them look like a bit of an idiot, or yelling ‘put your dick away!’ in the background whilst his friends are on the phone.

Hopefully, no more to come.

Out-Of-Touch Police Officer Asks Punters If They’ve Got Any ‘MGMT or DMAs’ On Them

Oh no! A bumbling fool has mistaken the list of Class A drugs being used to train sniffer dogs and instead given them the Splendour line-up, causing fears of chaos and confusion.

Police Lieutenant Greg McMurdo displayed his glaring ignorance of both Police protocol and the youth music scene with this monumental cockup.

Reports are emerging that officers are searching for MGMT which has been imported from the USA and allegedly gives users an ‘electric feel’ and there are concerns about the harmful affects of the drug on KIDS.

DMAs is believed to have been brought to Mullumbimby from production in Sydney.

This is not the first balls-up at the festival, with Victorian Police sending an interstate task force to Byron after believing that they had finally located the troublesome Gang of Youths that has been wreaking indescribable terror on the gentrified streets of Melbourne’s leafy inner-east.

‘Yes. We admit that we did not seek appropriate clarification as to the description of the gang as we were in the midst of jerking ourselves off at the thought of actually getting some proof that these gangs even exist,’ said Chief Commissioner Scott Green.

That’s all For Now.

Splendour Organisers Hire Jon Snow To Protect From Trespassers

With tickets to the popular festival selling out instantly and thousands of punters vowing to jump fences and other security measures in order to gain illegal access to the event, Splendour organisers have decided to try alternative deterrents.

Festival organisers and the Byron Shire Council have spent much of the past week fortifying the perimeter of the showgrounds.

In a statement made by SITG it was confirmed that they had contracted Jon Snow and the Night’s Watch to guard the wall for the duration of the three day festival. In addition, the heads of previous trespassers will be displayed on pikes erected adjacent to the roads leading to Mullumbimby.

The Obiter caught up with BAFTA Fellowship and OBE Nominee Mr Snow as he arrived at Coolangatta Airport this morning.

‘Morning Chaps, you call this winter? Blimey, wouldn’t mind a swim!’

We asked Jon whether he believed that he was prepared for the task.

‘To tell you the truth I was a bit surprised when I was briefed on the job. I’ve been a political journalist for the last four decades but I thought it’s never too late for a sea change so I’m grabbing this opportunity with both hands. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks, especially when they’re offering to pay me 1000 gold dragons, whatever they are!’

Uh oh! It appears that the Splendour organisers weren’t informed that Westeros was a figment of George RR Martin’s imagination. Upon further investigation it appears that the Night’s Watch is just a local LARP troupe, this is awkward.

Foam swords to the ready, gentlemen!