Early Bird Got The Worm, Still Pretty Tired Though, Would Love A Coffee

Some fascinating news coming out of the bird community today! It has long been accepted that bird have quite a bit of variety in their waking hours, with some birds committed to rising early, whilst others are a touch lazy, and find themselves missing valuable nutrition as a consequence of their late rise.

But this morning, a very early bird got the worm. Unfortunately, ‘Caw,’ as he is known to his friends, is still pretty tired, and would love a coffee if you’ve got one.

If you don’t have a coffee, a Red Bull or a V would do, but a coffee really would be ideal, if that’s alright.

Whilst eating a worm is a good achievement in the morning, and probably validates Caw’s decision to wake up as early as he did, it doesn’t take away from the bleariness and laziness that typifies the rest of Caw’s day after he woke up early.

There’s also a sense of emptiness for the rest of your day, when you begin by getting the worm. Whilst it’s certainly easier to get the worm early, it becomes less of a challenge, and the accomplishment of the hunt is partly lost.

Some make the argument that if Caw gets the worm early, he can fill his day with other productive activities. But for someone who largely lives for the moment he can eat the worm, there are some concerns that Caw will be cast adrift if he continues to get up early.

Intriguing things coming out of the bird community. Probably no more to come, this is one of the dumbest ideas we’ve ever done.

Pervy Guy Thinks He’s 'A Bit Of A Character', Is Actually Just A Perv

Dom Perryson (20), an Arts/Law student at UQ, majoring in ‘Good Times’ (his words, not ours) is a quirky, fun guy who loves a cheeky joke and a squeeze. Sometimes he crosses the line. But his defence? He thinks of himself as, and will tell anyone who listens, a ‘bit of a character.’

Coming a long way since his days as a gawky middle school debater at his Brisbane private school, Dom got a boost of confidence in Year 12 when a girl at Mock UN added him on Facebook, and then when his new Maths C tutor Sarah laughed kindly at his jokes.

Since then he’s been unstoppable.

Determined to take his new-found sexual swagger to the bright lights of the university stage, Dom has set about on his quest to become a Big Man On Campus Who Picks Up with great success.

Or so he’d have you believe.

When other students were asked their feelings on Dom, they ranged from ambivalence at best, to disgust at worst.

“He’s really weird. He thinks he’s this big quirky character, but honestly, he’s just a bit of a creep. I mean, he followed me around for all of first semester and now keeps writing poorly-coded messages to me on UQ Love Letters.”

This female student has had to have her identity protected. “Once, I went to Prohibition on Ladies Night for the free drinks, and he was just there by himself at a booth! Not waiting for anyone or meeting up, literally just there being an actual pervert.”

“Yeah, and he reckons it’s fine because he’s a zany personality- last week in the Valley he literally threw a kebab at me because I didn’t want to go home with him, and then Channel 10 signed him on for Pilot Week.”

In an interview, Dom admitted that “I know I can be a bit weird sometimes— I mean, I’m a bit of a nerd maybe, and some girls have said they feel uncomfortable— but I’m such a character, none them ever mind!”

When asked if they minded, every girl responded with a resounding “Yes.”

Please Dom, no more to come.

Environmental Activists Urge Tutors To Stop Using Ice Breakers

Political science tutorials around the university have been subject to fierce opposition from environmental groups attempting to stop tutors from using ice breakers as activities. Greens groups have set up blockades around the campus, citing the rising sea levels caused by the early semester tutorial activities.

As fourth-year Law/Science student Bianca Jenkins explains:

‘Greenhouse emissions are at the point where even metaphorical ice is being affected. These tutors are risking the lives of coast dwelling communities.’

It’s not all doom and gloom, many students welcome the change and are enjoying the small luxury of being able to remain completely silent in tutorials without fear of persecution.

Students are enjoying unprecedented comfort in tutorials, able to remain completely disengaged without a care in the world.

Unfortunately, this change has come at a cost, with ecological damage being caused at a rate that has Al Gore saying ‘I told you so.’

The Obiter caught up with affected Micronesian teenage Adai Baccam, whose tiny island nation was subsumed by rising sea levels.

‘I am extremely glad that the destruction of my community could provide some relief from awkwardness for a small group of privileged students. University was never meant to take people out of their comfort zones, my sacrifice is but a small price to pay. Luckily Australia’s incredibly generous attitude towards refugees has allowed me to begin a new life.’

Adai is enrolled to begin Engineering (Mining) at the beginning of 2019.

Woman Who Answers All Tutorial Questions Awarded Victoria Cross

Australia's highest military honour, the Victoria Cross, has today been awarded to third year laws/arts student Jacinta Harrison (20). 

A ceremony held in the Great Court aimed to, and this is a direct quote:

‘Give recognition to persons who in the presence of the enemy, perform acts of the most conspicuous gallantry, or daring or pre-eminent acts of valour or self-sacrifice or display extreme devotion to duty.’

The award was given to celebrate Jacinta’s incredible selflessness and bravery on Tuesday. At approximately 0900 Hours in the West Wing of the Forgan Smith Building a small group of third years was cut off during routine attendance of a LAWS3114 tutorial. It is believed that the squadron was ambushed by a hostile tutor who advanced on their position, firing questions from the optional readings.

According to eyewitness Billy McMahon (also 20), ‘the group set up a defensive position of blank stares and random typing in order to divert the onslaught, but the situation was dire.’

‘Their position was seconds away from being overrun when Jacinta put up her hand showing utter disregard for her own safety.’

The gaze of the tutor, which was at this point pinning down the group turned menacingly on Jacinta, now completely exposed from cover, who was prepared with an insightfully nuanced answer which completely disarmed the tutor, removing the threat.

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull described Jacinta’s conduct in the deafening silence of the tutorial ‘inspirational.’

Jacinta is the fifth recipient of the Victoria Cross for Australia since its creation in 1991.

Good Job Jacinta! And as they say in the halls of government, ‘Mark, could you grab me a Pasito?’

‘I Am Hannah Gadsby,’ Thinks Bloke Who Once Laughed At His Girlfriend’s Joke

Nanette? More like Manette.

The comedy world has been turned upside down today after Trent Burkwood (23) chuckled at a wisecrack made by his girlfriend of 18 months, Jess Woods (21).

Woods, upon receiving a coffee at the couple’s favourite café, looked at the top of the cup to see the spelling of her relatively straightforward name had been utterly butchered by Tasmyn, the barista who would have admittedly limited experience spelling normal names.

“Didn’t realise I’d changed my name to Jeck,” Ms Woods slyly whispered to her boyfriend. Witnesses at the scene even reported a smirk.

Mr Buckwood, upon hearing the line, reportedly made the spontaneous sounds and movements of the face and body that are the instinctive expressions of lively amusement and sometimes also of derision.

The laugh seemed inconsequential at first. However, it was not until minutes later that Trent Buckwood realised he had personally solved the gender crisis that has plagued comedy for years.

His conclusion was as obvious as it was momentous: “I am but Hannah Gadsby.”

Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix special Nanette has been praised for its no-holds-barred dissection of the sexism and misogyny within comedy. However, Buckwood took no pleasure it contacting Ms Gadbsy’s agency to inform the stand-up that it was in fact he, Trent Buckwood of Mt Gravatt, who had irreversibly shifted the momentum of women’s progress within the comic sphere.

“Yeah listen, I had a giggle and I reckon that pretty much solved it,” Buckwood expressed in his voicemail. “I am indeed Gadsby, initial H. I have cracked the code that has befuddled comic minds for menerations: woman are funny… thought you ought to know.”

Buckwood says that he intends to embark on a nationwide speaking tour, conducting seminars with young women to explain to them that they can be funny. “What women need to understand,” Buckwood began as his hand gestures kicked into gear, “is that chicks just need to have a go. My misso made that coffee gag and it was fucking funny.”

“If youse just try to be funny heaps more than I reckon there will be more funny women, yeah?”

Hannah Gadsby did not respond to our request for an interview. The real Hannah Gadsby, however, did, as made evident by the subject of the article above.

‘I Have Really Serious Privacy Concerns About MyHealthRecord!’ Says Local Man Who Regularly Snapchats His Explosive Diarrhoea

The MyHealthRecord database will be an important tool in modern Australian healthcare, enabling doctors to access critical information, and giving researchers the capability to synthesise large amounts of information to promote significant medicinal advances. With a connected national healthcare system, medical practitioners will have greater ease in providing better treatment.

However, some have raised concerns regarding privacy, with many fearful that the information may be accessed by those other than medical professionals. Similarly, some have rejected the concept on principle, arguing it is inappropriate for the government to collect such information in a centralised place.

One such person who has expressed privacy concerns is Mike Cook (19), a second-year Law student, whose approach to privacy is so famously loose that he Snapchats graphic images of his explosive diarrhoea to his friends.

He also regularly sends nudes to women who don’t ask for them, and boasts about his fairly mild sexual exploits with such volume that he might as well be screaming them from the rooftops.

This man has doubts about privacy.

Mike has said to his friends, in his Messenger group chat ‘Darren’s A Poofstar’ (a reference to another of Mike’s friends, Darren McGregor, who was called a poofter in Year 9 for reading Twilight: Breaking Dawn), that he ‘has some grave doubts about the efficacy of the protective firewalls,’ as if he is an IT expert that has a nuanced understanding of data security.

In conversations over beers, where Mike regularly leaves his wallet, full of personal information, sitting loosely on a nearby table, he has mentioned that he ‘doesn’t think the government needs to get their grubby little porcelain hands,’ on his personal data.

After we spoke with Darren, of ‘Darren’s A Poofstar’ fame, he also made the point that Mike has effectively no medical information to hide.

‘He sprained his ankle in Year 10 playing dodgeball at Morning Tea, but I don’t think that’ll make the database.’

Or will it? We really don’t know. No more to come.

Amazing! Nicolas Cage Broke Into Law Library And Stole Declaration Of Independence From That Special Desk No-One’s Allowed To Use

Wow.

Call me a long-haired, blonde-haired Sean Bean, but I can't believe what has just happened. For half a year now, that random desk in the Law Library near the printers has stood there with a sign on it saying 'For Display Only'.

"Ridiculous", we at The Obiter thought. "What's the point of it?"

Well, it turns out globe-trotting adventurer Nicolas Armory Cage and his ragtag bunch of treasure-finding misfits knew all the point. And they knew it all along.

Last night, between the hours of 2am and 3am, Nicholas infiltrated the Lawbry having stole the fingerprints of Rick Bigwood, snuck past the one security guard and a bunch of people playing Warcraft (or something like that - who knows!) to successfully drill under the desk and steal the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America!

This is huge news! For ages we thought the Dec of 'Pendy (as it's commonly called) was held under super-high security in the United States' National Museum of United States and Guns.

But no, it was in a secret compartment in the desk all along! THAT'S why we can't use it!

Nicholas Cage, when asked at gunpoint, relinquished his silence and revealed he was going to crack the code hidden in the paper to save his dying GPA, which has sufferred ever since missing a whole semester to film The Sorcerers' Apprentice with the UQ Theatresports Society.

We wish him the very best of luck. He's a national treasure, right?

Maybe more to come if we get funding for a sequel.

Revealed! UQ Law Dean Patrick Parkinson Is An Animagus Who Can Transform Into A Discarded Boost Juice Cup

Powerful scenes emerged last night in the Seddon building, UQ's equivalent of the Shrieking Shack.

The Seddon was long held to be haunted, braved only by UQ College and a little bit of the Psychology department. But last night, students Parry Hotter, Germione Hanger and Won Reasley snuck in to discover an amazing secret.

Patrick Parkinson is an Animagus.

That's right, we are not kidding you all. This is not fake news. Long thought to be dead after disappearing from the public shortly after being elected Dean, the only trace of Patrick Parkinson was a fish finger left in his office after Open Day. But Professor and Lecturer of LAWS4560: Statutory Defences Against The Dark Arts, Remis Lupin, discovered using UQ's St Lucia Map App that Patrick Parkinson was alive all along.

Associate Professor Dr Sirius Black revealed that Patrick Parkinson was "Is this room... right... there!" pointing to Won Reasley's shoulder.

"Me?" stammered Won.

"Not you - the Boost Juice!"

As it turned out, like most locations in St Lucia, there was in fact a Boost Juice lying on the floor. After a brief scuffle, Patrick Parkinson was unveiled. He revealed he had used his Boost Juice disguise to eavesdrop on conversations about the future of Law at UQ.

Damn. Huge news, and a rough start for Semester Two.

Rest assured, The Obiter will continue to dive deep into uncovering all the unregistered animagi.

And as for the Seddon? The dementors can have it.

Eager Lecturer Really Going Hard On Those Emails

Despite classes only formally starting this week, lecturers all around the university have been going ham on the blackboard notifications. It appears that Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) set by the University seem to equate the frequency of communications by the lecturer with the quality of the course.

There doesn’t necessarily seem to be a correlation between the course content and these communiques either, with some students reporting that their economics professor sent an email titled ‘Remember to floss!’ while another student reported receiving ‘a recipe for pea and ham soup,' from their marketing course coordinator.

‘Jesus, don’t they have anything better to do,’ asks third year student Pierre Nicholson

‘The barrage began in O-Week, I was finishing up my Sail Croatia holiday and suddenly I start getting sent all this shit about pre-readings.’

Mr Nicholson told The Obiter that he has not opened a single one of his 22 Blackboard notifications and might go to a lecture this semester if he is lucky. As far as he is concerned, if lecturers wanted greater engagement with the students they should ‘ease up a bit’ and ‘not act so desperate’.

His Tinder matches implore him to heed his own advice.

‘Saturdays Are For The Boys,’ Proudly States Man Who Has No Other Choice

It’s rare a simple five-word phrase can carry so much meaning, and reveal such a glut of information about the user of the phrase. That phrase is ‘Saturdays are for the boys,’ which in breaking news, was used this weekend by a local man who has literally no other choice.

Lachie Stockton (22), who studies Commerce/Business Management, and dreams of interning for Carlton United Brewing because he ‘loves a frothy,’ is a man with little weekend options.

For the most part, his options are limited, other than drinking beer with the same friends he went to school with, discussing women at length whilst never actually meeting any, and attending the same clubs where he will subsequently yell ‘The boys!’ at an obscene volume any time a remotely interesting song is played by the DJ, who he knew at school, a fact which is constantly escaping his lips.

Despite the fact Lachie is faced with effectively no alternative each and every weekend, he will still relentlessly tell anyone and everyone who will listen that ‘Saturdays are for the boys.’

He often uses an array of swear words to spice up this simple and depressing statement, such as ‘Saturdays are for the fucking boys,’ emphasising just how good the boys are, or ‘Fucking Saturdays are for the boys,’ focusing on the importance of the day itself.

Lachie will often mistakenly say ‘Saturdays are for fucking the boys,’ implying he wishes to have rampant sex with his friends every weekend. If he does, good for him. It’ll probably be a hell of a lot more interesting than a case of Tooheys Extra Dry and conversation which is 80% his friends saying ‘Oi Lach,’ ‘Lachie, you legend,’ or variations on that theme.

As another week dawns, Lachie can barely wait for the weekend to come, and is excited about the prospect of deploying his favourite phrase.

Good luck, mate.