Excessive Coffee Drinker Proud To Have Shat In Every Single Toilet On Campus

There isn’t much more to say on this, and even if there was, Samuel Hertz wouldn’t be around to listen to it.

He, like many others whose feet have graced the hallowed halls of this institution, and whose wee wees have graced the hollowed stalls of restitution, drinks far far far far far too much coffee (how much say? – we say too much) and as a result can barely make it through a 1-hour tutorial without bursting either out the door or his bladder.

His one achievement in his many and frequent runs to the loo, Hertz (23) (times a day, that is, and also, he is aged 23) by virtue of not wanting the embarrassment of constantly going back and forth to the same toilet has visited every single (male) restroom on campus, and yes sometimes the disabled one as well when he really needs to go. Who hasn’t been there, done that, and been ridden with guilt as a consequence?

As Hertz says himself, “Sorry, do we have to do the interview now? Really gotta dash. Be back!”

Yuck.

Bond Villain Unveils Plan To Sew World Leaders Together Using Needles Hidden In Fruit

“Vell vell, I waz inspired by zat weird person from Auztralia!” said the villain, slyly, in a vaguely European accent.

Today, The Obiter went deep. Real deep. Several editors snuck into the lair of supervillain Dr Number, who hides in the hidden caldera of a dormant volcano off the coast of Easter Island.

After immobilising the many and incompetent guards, The Obiter thought they’d gotten in until they discovered it was a trap all along, and soon the poor editors were tied up, facing imminent death from lasers and drowning and leaking acid and crushing walls while the vaguely European supervillain spoke in a vaguely European evil monologue.

“You maniac!” cried one editor.

“You want to watch the world burn?” cried another editor, this one with glasses.

“No no no, Mr and Mrs… Obiter. Simply see it come togezza!” said Dr Number, slyly. This sly, sly man.

“With-a my secret army now strategically arranged at all Colez and Wooly Worths, they shall hide sewing needles into every fruit, and soon all ze world leaderz – WHO ALL EAT FRUIT!!! - will be sewn together! Truly, I am putting ze wool over their eyes!” he exclaimed, slyly.

“You maniac!” cried another editor, forgetting the first one had already taken that line.

“And after everyone is sewn togezza…. No one will be!” Dr Number shouted, slyly.

And with that, he slyly hit the lever for all the acid and lasers and sharks to slowly advance on our courageous team.

Well what a pickle we’re in! Will The Obiter 5 escape? Will Dr Number continue his evil plan to take over the world with sewing needles hidden in fruit? Will Avatar 2 and 3 ever come out? Do we even care?

Join us for next week’s episode of The Obiter V: Dangerous Times At Belmont High.

Law Student Constantly Asking About The Legality Of Incest Not Even Doing Crim B

A law student who has spent the last few weeks incessantly asking classmates and lecturers about the legality of incest has been found to not even be studying Crim B this semester.

This student’s name has been redacted for the purposes of this article, but we will refer to him by the initials ‘JH’ for clarity.

JH has spent much of this past month pestering fellow legal minds as to the various jurisdictional approaches to incest in the different Australian states. The vast majority of his peers have assumed he watched an incest trial for his Crim B court report, and simply is seeking assistance in formulating his law reform submission for the assignment.

But with a fateful question today, JH’s cover has been blown, and he has been revealed as, at best, an opportunistic sex criminal.

Our reports indicate that as JH was busy asking one of his tutors whether ‘first cousins are fair game... hypothetically, of course,’ one of his old schoolmates approached and struck up a conversation. In the course of their chat, JH was asked what subjects he was studying this semester (the stock boring conversation question).

He replied simply, ‘Yeah, nah, just doing Admin and Trusts this semester. I’ll do Crim next year, I reckon.’

‘Anyway, first cousins. Where do we stand on that? No, yeah, just hypothetically. How about step-cousins? Step-siblings, even?’

With it now pretty obvious that this genuine creep isn’t even studying Crim B, new Dean Patrick Muhammad Parkinson is unsure how to play this. On one hand, it’ll be good for the Law School to avoid a scandal. But on the other hand, this is genuinely bizarre.

Surely there will be more to come.

Funny Guy Clicks Attending On Facebook ‘Speed Dating’ Event, Is Actually Dead Inside

A local funnyman and self-described ‘zany character,’ Mark Dickson (24) has just hit attending on a Facebook event for ‘Speed Dating’ at Barbara, in an act which is sure to draw laughs from all corners, in line with Mark’s trademark wacky style.

But despite all the attention and admiration Mark will likely receive as the result of this incredibly funny action, there’s one thing Mark is hiding.

He’s dead inside.

Genuinely, soulless. The last shred of caring disappeared when Ben Hunt dropped the ball in the 2015 NRL Grand Final (also the last time Mark has ever cried). Since then, Mark hasn’t felt many emotions deep inside, although if you’ll ask him about it, he’ll probably say something like ‘Yeah, I feel plenty of emotions mate - penis emotions!’

He doesn’t.

And also penis emotions aren’t a thing, what a truly lazy joke from a truly sad man.

As much as he tries to show off with hilarious acts of comic genius, like the ‘Speed Dating’ effort and the even funnier ‘click-attending-to-The-Gap-State-High-Formal-event’ scheme, Mark will unlikely be able to run away from the fact that life isn’t good for someone whose mid-tier job as a data entry specialist is the peak of his life.

Also, Mark, you’re lonely. Go to the speed dating event. Get it together.

Local Hero Secretly Glad No-One Responded To ‘R U OK?’ Insta Post

‘Phew,’ sighed Isabelle McCarron (19) as she watched her Insta story tick over 24 hours since posted, and disappear into cyberspace.

Now Isabelle is able to check her notifications in peace without fear that an acquaintance will take the opportunity to share their inner demons or daily torment. Not all were so lucky.

Brett Fuller (20), social champion with an ‘R U OK?’ post on at least two social media accounts has received more than he bargained for, after an acquaintance has responded with some pretty heavy shit. It appears that a loose friend from tutorials past has taken the post far too literally, and opened up about his inner demons and daily torment.

‘Ah gee whiz Mr Fizz, you’re not supposed to respond,’ muttered Brett.

‘This whole thing is just an excuse for me to show how woke I am.’

It appears that Mr Fuller is woefully unprepared to offer any substantive help to any of his close friends struggling with mental illness, let alone this borderline stranger that he vaguely knows from Trusts A.

‘What am I even supposed to respond to this shit?’ groaned Brett as he dug deep into expansive arsenal of ‘oh yeah?’, ‘ah shit’, ‘that’s no-good mate.’

Throughout the course of our investigation, more issues with R U OK? Day posting has emerged. One source who knows Isabelle from school reported that she once watched her make a girl cry in the bathroom for three hours after calling her a cow. Furthermore, a source close to Brett also claims that Mr Fuller ‘literally roundhouse kicked a Year 8 on the bus for a laugh,’ no less than three years ago.

The corporate world has also taken to R U OK day. McHewitt and Sons held a morning tea promoting a healthy balanced life for their employees, fully aware the long hours and fear of failure had caused many grads to develop anxiety and stress related illnesses. However, any accusations of virtue signaling are all promptly denied. Hang in there troubled stranger from Trusts A.

Covered-Up Laptop Camera Clear Evidence Local Man Gets Up To Some Pretty Crook Shit In Alone Time

A small square of paper sticky taped over a laptop camera is a sure sign that the owner gets up to some pretty weird shit in the confines of their home.

A study conducted by The Obiter has concluded a positive correlation between a student’s ‘concerns for privacy’ and the level of genuine depravity in their masturbation habits.

‘My main concern is that the government is able to pinpoint my location through the camera,’ lied Jimmy (19), who is partial to Japanese tentacle porn.

The Obiter can also reveal that the more innocuous a persons alleged reasoning for covering their laptop camera, the more taboo their sexual preferences.

‘I’m worried that the Russians can hack my computer and watch me sleep,’ fibbed Dave (21), who is a member of the Dead Hand Gang.

The results of one of the of over 40 000 anonymous participants showed that those who described their sexual preferences as vanilla-mild were less concerned that the Government could be watching them choke the chicken.

While those who admitted to being more adventurous showed far greater concern that their best Michael Hutchence impersonations would be caught on film.

‘We are entering a brave new world where political smear campaigns will have a far more literal and disturbing meaning,’ commented one senior demographer. ‘But as Syndrome said, when everyone is super, no one is. We’ve got footage of everyone regardless of your futile attempts to cover the camera so don’t worry, it’ll only be an issue if you hold public office in the future.’

No more to cum (bazinga).

Local Psychopath Still Waiting For A Sequel To ‘Eragon’

It truly is the big blue feathery elephant in the room that needs to be addressed.

At least, Rachel Stone, 22, truly believes it is. After literally wetting herself with joy at the release of 2006’s Eragon, the movie adaption of Christopher Paolini’s 2003 novel of the same name, Stone has waited 12 (!) years for the movie adaption of the much-better sequel, Eldest, and less so the last 2 books of the ‘Inheritance Cycle,’ which even she admits were pretty shit.

“But man…. Just can’t wait to see Eldest! It’ll be hard when Ed Speelers plays Eragon 12 years later, but I guess he’ll just look older from his experiences.”

When asked whether she thought the book series was far too derivative of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, Rachel visibly blanched, muttered ‘Brisingr’ under her breath and gently stroked the two blue-painted semi-automatic machine guns she has tied on strings from her ceiling which she calls Saphira and Thorn.

“Eragon is an orgasmically good film. Eldest will be even more so. Again, pretty chilled about the next ones after that BUT BY THE GREAT BLACK DRAGON SHRUIKAN GIVE ME ELDEST THE MOVIE!”

The Obiter’s interviewers quickly left shortly after that. Perhaps a film will come out? We at The Obiter recognise it will be hard restart, especially after the death of both Jeremy Iron’s character and Ed Speeler’s acting career.

When author Paolini was asked about it from the basement of his parent’s house from which he (true story) received home-schooling until 15 and then published Eragon the book. His response was ‘get out’. Which is funny, ‘cos that’s another film!

Is the future bright like Arya the hot-elf for the Inheritance Series? Maybe only Glaedr or Solembum knows, but if a movie does come out, you know that Rachel Stone will be rushing to the cinemas quicker than you can figure out how to properly pronounce the name ‘Murtaugh’.

None to come.

Inspiring: Brave Seven-Year-Old Yells ‘Impeach Trump!’ During SOSE

In an inspiring turn of events at Caboolture State Primary School in Queensland’s South-East, a seven-year-old student in Year 2 has yelled ‘Impeach Trump! Impeach the Dumpy Drump. More like Donald J. Chump!’

Henry Parsons, aged seven, loves Ben 10, playing with his friends, and New York Times opinion pieces which dissect the myriad failings of the Trump administration. The comment came during a SOSE class where under-paid and over-worked local teacher, Ms Susan Lee, was attempting to inform her class about the Eureka Stockade battle of 1854, in Ballarat.

As Ms Lee was discussing the conflict between working-class Australians, and British police officers, the cogs in young Henry’s brain began to work overtime, linking the idea of class struggle in 1850s Victoria with the class struggle between the have and the have-nots in contemporary United States.

Henry could wait no longer. He had to speak up. After all, as his Dad told him, Trump is a big old doofus!

After his incisive comments were made, it is reported that Henry looked at the class for rampant applause and hollering, but was met with silence, except for Declan Gould (7), who kept eating glue like the genuine boofhead he is. Undeterred, Henry pressed on, telling his class and Ms Lee ‘The Drumpf presidency? More like the Drumpf DISASTER!’

Wow. Seriously, wow.

Sometimes, you forget the capacity children have to form nuanced views, to form arguments on a range of complex issues, and then someone comes along who reminds you of the incredible power children have.

Stand tall, Henry.

Sore Throat Polite Way For Head Cold To Let Local Man It’ll Be Visiting Tomorrow

Despite feeling relatively healthy, a local man’s day has just been ruined by realizing that he will wake up sick tomorrow.

Scientists at The Obiter’s research compound have identified that the scratchy throat experienced prior to full blown sickness is really just a courtesy call.

‘I just need somewhere to crash for a couple of days after I got sneezed out of a kindergartener but I was raised to always call ahead and never drop in empty handed so I send a tingly throat as a bit of a heads up,’ explained Keith, who is a common cold virus, and a die-hard South Sydney fan.

We caught up prospective host with Darren Leadman (23) after he was seen desperately scanning the vitamins section of his local Woolies.

‘Maybe if I take like 4 of these Swisse Ultivites I can stop this cold in its tracks. I rang mum to see what I should take but she just told me that it’s my fault for not wearing a jumper the other night. That self-righteous woman!’

It appears that Keith plans to set up camp in Darren’s sinuses for a couple of days, or until the white blood cells move him on and is unphased by any attempts to ward him off.

White Male Obiter Editors Pretty Unsure Whether To Do A Serena Williams Article

‘We might sit this one out,’ said one of the white male editors.

‘Probably a good idea,’ said another.

‘I like tennis, but I feel like we’re probably not in the best position to offer a nuanced and insightful satirical take on this Serena Williams situation,’ said yet another.

‘You might be onto something here, boys,’ said the white female editor, her sarcasm lost on the pack of goobers who write for this publication.

‘You know what? Let’s stick to jokes about uni and/or beers,’ said the first, greeted with cheers, hollering, and exclamations of ‘I’m going to do an article about MERLO’S!!’

No more to come.