Bureau of Statistics Confirms Link Between Having Your Degree In Your Bio And Being Dead Boring

Fresh news out of Canberra, as the Australian Bureau of Statistics have finally confirmed a statistical link which many have suspected for some years. Studying the social media accounts of 1000 randomly selected Australian students, the ABS was able to conclusively find a causal link between having your degree in your biography, and being a painfully boring human being.

In a year long survey, the ABS examined the Facebook, Instagram, Tinder and various other social media accounts of people who consider their degree so mind-bogglingly important, they simply have to keep it in their bio.

Linkedin was omitted from the search, for the obvious reason that the premise of the website is very much to highlight the degree you study.

The study concluded that these people consistently ranked in the most boring quartile the Australian adult population. We’re not entirely sure how the ABS were able to conclusively conclude on who the most boring quartile of the population is, but we’re fairly confident criteria involved would’ve included drinking Coronas, watching The Block, being concerned about dietary fibre, and hating budget deficits (live a little!).

An ABS spokesman spoke with some trepidation after announcing the results of the research in a press conference, suggesting ‘This does not mean all Australians necessarily become boring as a consequence of their degree being in their bio… but our research supports the idea that a substantial majority have become boring as a result.’

‘Post hoc ergo propter hoc’ is a Latin phrase which means ‘after this, therefore because of this,’ (also the name of a terrific episode of The West Wing). Oftentimes, people mistake correlation for causation - suggesting that because one event came after another, it must necessarily have been caused by the first event.

However, that is no mistake when it comes to being dick boring, as it is in the case of having your degree in your bio.

Get it together. No more to come.

Student Who Said ‘I’ll Never Attend Another UQLS Event’ After Law Ball Fuming He Missed Out On Law Dinner Ticket

In the wake of Law Ball 2018, Jeremy Westin (21), a fourth-year Law student, boldly swore off UQLS events for good. In a post which he assumed would have enormous impact, he had stated publicly on his Facebook page ‘Law Ball #neveragain. Not enough beer, not enough good times. Fuck law events. I’m done.’

However, despite his stated position, it has come to our attention that Jeremy is absolutely fucking fuming he missed out on a Law Dinner ticket.

Whilst his friends were slightly more on the ball, snapping up a handful of tickets for themselves, slow Jeremy was not able to, and is now feeling just genuinely awful about himself.

‘It’s such bullshit,’ he told us, in an exclusive interview, that isn’t really ‘exclusive,’ it’s more just that we were the only people who were willing to listen.

‘Why did they sell out so quickly? I was literally 20 minutes late. I was so keen to go to Cloudland. Plus, the UQLS OWES me after Law Ball. My ticket should be FREE.’

Grumpy Jeremy, as he will henceforth be known, was last seen trying to convince his friends to go to Business Ball so he can feel like a part of something again.

If you have any room on your table of twelve for Law Dinner, whatever you do, no matter how he asks, you have to remember: don’t let Jeremy in.

Local Sheep Waiting for Friend’s Opinion Before Deciding Whether The Falls Lineup Is Good Or Not

‘Well I’m obviously going, you think I’d change that just because of who’s playing?’ asked a bewildered Taylor (19).

It is believed that Taylor is aware of the artists, likes a lot of them, but is afraid to express this due to the division shown by opinions on the announcement post.

‘I just don’t know whether I should be responding negatively or positively when people ask me what I think of the lineup.’

One of the criticisms that has been raised by almost 400 punters on the Triple J announcement post is that the festival features many acts that have been recycled from previous years. However, in an investigation conducted by The Obiter’s in-house demographers revealed that the majority of people who have ‘love’ reacted such comments cannot recall the entirety of the 3-day festival.

We asked Taylor if this was a pressing issue.

‘Oh I don’t actually care about seeing an act again I just want more variety so I have more artists I can tell people I’ve seen live.’

A commenter asking, ‘When are they announcing the headliners?’ has garnered over 1000 reactions but not a single person able to inform him that they announced the headliners at 8am on the 31st of August.

Triple J spokesperson Thomas Tillian has released the following statement,

‘It’s cooked, they’re complaining it’s the same as the Splendour lineup minus some big names but do you know how hard it is to convince artists to fly halfway around the world to play at a glorified bush-doof at the best of times? Let alone when it’s pushing 40 degrees Celsius!’

The punters are hoping there is more (act announcements) to come.

John Millman Joins Kalyn Ponga, Brodie Croft, And Jaydn Su’a In The ‘Do You Know He Went To Churchie?’ Club

John Millman may have beaten Roger Federer in one of the great tennis upsets of this decade, but his monumental victory has brought him to something far more significant than a quarter-final appearance at the US Open.

With his efforts against Federer, Millman has become part of one of the most exclusive, incredible clubs run solely by Churchie Old Boys who have nothing else to talk about.

The ‘Did You Know He Went to Churchie?’ club.

Whilst there is no formal membership application, The Obiter understands the process of joining this club simply involves becoming famous enough, whilst under 30, to give Churchie Old Boys a ready-made conversation starter should they seek to impress anyone.

We believe no-one is impressed by the fact another successful person went to a school you also attended through no effort of your own, but hey, don’t let that hold back a ‘Yeah I knew Millman’s younger brother,’ or a ‘Brodie Croft hi-fived me once.’

We ran a report earlier this year regarding the explosive use of Kalyn Ponga references after his selection for the Queensland Maroons, and whilst Millmania may not reach the same heights as the ‘Ponga Phenomenon’ or the ‘Krazy Kalyn Konversations,’ it is still pretty clear John Millman will be freshly on the lips of those filthy Anglicans over the coming days, weeks, and dare we say it, months.

Meanwhile, students of Gregory Terrace are sort of stuck saying ‘Hey, you know Josh Lawson went to my school? Yep. The guy from Thank God You’re Here. Pretty cool, aye?

Journalists Catch NRL Players Drinking, The Pope Being Catholic

Thank God for the investigative journalists from The Daily Telegraph. In an act of sheer heroism, and one which demonstrates enormous integrity, they have put their livelihoods on the line to capture photos of rugby league players drinking to excess on a ‘Mad Monday.’

No-one could have guessed that these footy players, after a long and gruelling season, wanted to enjoy themselves with a number of beers on the first Monday they’ve had off in almost a year. No-one but these brave journalists, who caught them right in the thick of the act.

But they have done more than just catch Bulldogs players enjoying themselves. In a genuine masterstroke, they have also gone and caught the Pope in the act of Being Catholic.

What?!

You heard us. Pope Francis, a papal icon and head of the Catholic Church, has been captured blessing youth, watching over the sacraments, praying, and broadly doing very Catholic things. Thankfully, a pack of noble journalists were there to catch him in the act.

Good from you, sneaky Francis. But the Telegraph is always a step ahead. You can’t out-think them. You can run, but you can’t hide.

It’s a relief to know that this important work is being done. Because, at the end of the day, who honestly cares about misconduct by the banks, or the escalating cost of living, or the revolving door of Prime Minister-ships, or the fact that James Blunt sings ‘My life is brilliant’ and then doesn’t sing for another ten seconds at the start of ‘You’re Beautiful,’ which really throws you off, or immigration?

I know I don’t care about that. The most important thing will always be whether or not NRL players are drinking alcohol.

Wowee! Captain Underpants Just Got MeToo’d!

Big news coming today out of West LA. Beloved superhero, and principal of Jerome Horwitz Elementary School, Captain Underpants, has just been MeToo’d by two passionate investigative journalists, and in many respects, survivors - George Beard and Harold Hutchins themselves!

Beard and Hutchins are now the CEOs of the incredibly successful ‘Treehouse Comix Inc’ media corporation, but today, they returned to their elementary school to reveal the inappropriate actions of a man they trusted enormously.

Captain Underpants.

Turns out you can’t just wear nothing but underpants around children. And even more egregiously, he strips constantly. Constantly! The man could almost be called Captain Stripping, if Captain Underpants wasn’t so bloody accurate!

If he’d rocked up to school wearing underpants, perhaps the case could be made that that was genuinely his approach to uniform and clothing - but he strips! The man strips! This is clear evidence of an intent to expose youth to the naked flesh of a flabby principal/superhero.

Pretty disgusting actions, and we’re sure they will be hammered, as they rightfully should be. For any budding Captain Underpants copycats out there, we have but one message. Don’t you dare.

‘God, The Falls Lineup Is So Shit,’ Thinks Man As He Buys Falls Tickets

‘Yuck.’

‘Fucking yuck.’

Those were the first words to escape the mouth of Rob Copley (22), an Arts/Law student and self-described music aficionado, upon seeing the lineup for 2018’s Falls Festival. He said them loud enough for anyone to hear, hoping desperately someone would ask him for his nuanced, clever take on the comparative disappointment he felt with the lineup.

No-one asked.

But regardless, Rob took to the internet to vent his frustrations about the selection of musical artists. ‘I’ve seen them all before!’ he exclaimed, ignoring the fact that he has loved every act every time he has seen them prior.

‘Amy Shark - yawn!’ he suggested, ignoring the fact that ‘All Loved Up’ and ‘I Said Hi’ are not merely the incredible pop hits that this generation deserves, but are artistic works of such talent and passion that they have brought tears to the eyes of farmers suffering through drought.

However, in spite of his incessant criticism, it’s become fairly apparent that Rob is still going to attend Falls Festival. A message to his group chat, ‘sick one mark,’ started with ‘Fuck, this is shit aye,’ before finishing with ‘Can anyone get me in on the pre-sale?’

Several days later, his hands shaking with righteous anger, Rob picked up his credit card and started typing out the numbers into the payment facility to purchase Falls tickets.

His nimble, feminine fingers danced across the keyboard, glistening with the tears that fell from his eyes over the fact he’d have to spend his New Years’ Eve watching some objectively brilliant bands, masters of their craft, share their work with some random punters from Brisbane.

As he spent the hundreds of dollars, a feeling of true relief washed over him. He had just secured the best of both worlds - the moral indignation of lineup complaining, and the hedonistic joy of watching live music. Some days, it just works out for you.

And today was that day for Rob Copley.

No more to come.

Friends Of Exchange-Bound Student ‘Just Wish He’d Leave Already’ After Fifteen Goodbye Drinks

Frustrations are spilling over this week amongst the acquaintances of second year Arts/Law student Rob Murray (20), whose self-described ‘farewell tour’ continues despite the desperate pleas of its participants.

While spirits remained high for a period, the endless stream of karaoke nights and ‘quiet ones’ at various Brisbane pubs, throughout which Murray imposed an 8 schooner minimum, have taken their toll. According to Murray’s close friend Henry Cairns, the situation has reached breaking point.

“If I have to watch that guy eat yet another ‘one last parmy’ I am going to fucking lose it.”

The departing youth is set to arrive in the UK in a week, but send-offs have allegedly been raging on for almost a month. So intense is his enthusiasm, according to close friends he has offered the floor of his dorm to a number of peripheral acquaintances who were unlucky enough to trigger his seemingly pre-prepared monologue about ‘cultural immersion’. The offerees are yet to make genuine steps to take up this enticing opportunity.

When reached for comment, Murray was quick to preach the virtues of a self-reliant and culturally explorative lifestyle, and quite frankly, this publication agrees with him.

We wish him the best of luck doing pills in Leeds.

Au Pairs Politely Decline Creepy Bald Man’s Invitation To ‘Stay A Bit Longer’

Frantic scenes at the Brisbane International airport as Italian resident Michela Marchisto was attempting to board her flight home. Peter Dutton was seen scrambling through security yelling ‘don’t go, you can stay if you want!’. Ms Marchisto was seen nervously smiling over her shoulder before continuing on with an increased sense of urgency.

Just as we had feared, Peter Dutton is that bloke at Cloudland who buys you a drink and then follows you around all night.

You always seem to want what you can’t have for example, illegal immigrants to permanent residency or bald old men to charming young au pairs. So it comes as a surprise to no one that Mr Dutton has used his position to avoid deporting European au pairs multiple times.

The Obiter caught up with a good friend Georgia (24) who has just come back from a stint au pairing in Switzerland to explain.

‘Yea the trip was fun thanks! The family I was staying with were sooooooo rich, like insane and they took me with them on holidays and stuff.  Yea if I did it again I’d want to meet the family first though, the kids were fine, they loved me. It was just the Dad who was really weird, he would always walk around shirtless and would make some really crude comments.’

We see. Any defining characteristics?

‘Yea he was bald!’

Just as we feared. The Obiter reached out to Mr Dutton who didn’t look too busy.

‘It would have been a bit rough to see these young, fertile females deported to their own country! They haven’t done anything wrong and they’re white.’

‘Where’s A Rom-Com About Crazy Rich White People?’ Asks Someone Who Has Never Seen ‘Love, Actually,’ ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ ‘Notting Hill,’ ‘Valentine’s Day,’ ‘27 Dresses,’ Or Literally Any Movie

Get over yourself, you goose.

Go watch Love Actually.