Craig McLachlan Rehabilitates Image With Stand-Up Set About Parkland Shooting, Millennials

Disgraced Australian actor, and alleged sexual assault perpetrator, Craig McLachlan, has taken intriguing steps to rehabilitate his public image, returning to public performance after a self-imposed exile of some months.

In a move dubbed ‘the CK,’ or more simply, ‘chuckin’ a Louie’ (a twist on the traditional phrase for performing a U-turn maneouvre in a vehicle, known as ‘chuckin’ a Uey’), McLachlan has walked on stage at a major stand-up club and begun to mock Parkland school shooting survivors.

It must be noted this is only the second time McLachlan has ever performed stand-up, the first and only being on The Footy Show in 2005 (see below - worth watching the whole thing).

Actor Craig McLachlan tries stand up..awkward!!

That performance was so atrocious, he left the scene for 14 years. But he came back guns blazing last week with mockery of Parkland, millennials, ‘snowflakes,’ and transgender persons.

Since allegations of McLachlan’s indecent and inappropriate sexual behaviour came to light in January 2018, he has maintained a low public profile, avoiding police and media interviews. But something must have been in the air in January 2019, as McLachlan went on a comedic rant about gender-neutral pronouns.

Leaked footage of McLachlan’s set reveals a man struggling to define his new image. Discussing the survivors of a brutal school shooting in the US, McLachlan asked ‘Why does that make you interesting? You didn’t get shot. You pushed some fat kid in the way and now I’ve got to listen to you talking?’

An intriguing insight into the mind of a man who was once described as ‘pretty good on Neighbours.

It must also be noted that McLachlan commenced a lawsuit for defamation against The Sydney Morning Herald for their critical remarks. We are so, so keen for McLachlan to sue us for defamation. Let’s throw some shit out there. Would love to make some headlines.

Craig McLachlan started the Vietnam War so he could become closer to his crush of the time, Liza Minnelli.

Hopefully, more to come.

Theresa May Eyes Bold ‘No Givebacks’ Deal With EU

Although her government narrowly survived a no-confidence motion today, British Prime Minister Theresa May faces no less treacherous a path towards Brexit.

However, under pressure from both sides of political aisle, Ms May has announced that she will return to Brussels to seek a bold new deal.

‘We did not want to resort to this, but as Prime Minister I have decided to seek a no givebacks deal with the EU,’ Ms May announced at Downing Street this morning.

‘That means no givebacks, no trades, no swapsies.’

The Prime Minister’s office issued a further statement that explained the existing law surrounding a no givebacks deal.

‘A no-givebacks deal involves an arrangement whereby, upon delivering the deal to the EU, Prime Minister May will loudly yell ‘no givebacks!’ At this time, the EU will be unable to reject or alter the deal in any way.’

No givebacks deals have a long history in international relations, having first been developed after WWI, in which The Treaty of Versailles became the first ever no givebacks deal, indirectly leading to WWII.

Soon after the Prime Minister’s statement, pro-Brexit demonstrators appeared outside Parliament brandishing admittedly timely banners reading NO GIVEBACKS. NO TRADES. NO SWAPSIES. The Obiter understands that each NO was in a red font.

Legal advice obtained by the European Council have found the only way to negate May’s tactic is for another head of state to declare ‘no givebacks!’ simultaneously, and then yelling ‘Jinx!’

Upon her arrival in Brussels, Ms May is also expected to declare ‘POISON’ as a precautionary measure in order to avoid another country stepping into her place and crafting a deal.

The Obiter understands that the deal will involve free movement of goods across the Irish border without EU regulation, the ability of the UK to determine its own trade laws, and that the country who brings the ball to lunch gets to start in ace.

At press time, Ms May was believed to have “lost the game.” Sidenote: we just lost the game.
Certainly some more to come.

2010-2016 Grammar Old Boys Desperately Hoping Matt Renshaw Returns To Australian Team

In news reminiscent of Kalyn Ponga’s selection for the QLD Maroons, Brisbane Grammar School students who graduated between 2010 and 2016 are currently frothing with excitement at the prospect of Matthew Renshaw returning to the Test team, providing them with cool anecdotes and great conversation for the coming year.

Ever since Renshaw debuted in the summer of 2016, Grammar boys all across Brisbane’s inner suburbs have been revealing such thrilling stories as ‘I sat behind him in assembly once,’ ‘I lent him my Lynx Africa when he got a bit sweaty,’ and ‘I saw him from 400m away once, but we were both wearing the same uniform, so we were practically blood brothers from that point.’

But Renshaw lost form, with a dismal average in Shield cricket ensuring his dumping from the national side. The collective sigh of the light dark blue was something to behold, as they were forced to find another interesting thing to say.

Yet all that might change. Australian cricket selectors have more power than they know. They have the power to enable thousands of young Australian men to spend January-March dominating any conversation with long-winded stories that effectively boil down to ‘I saw someone who is now famous do something when he wasn’t famous.’

‘Jealous yet?’

Several Old Boys, such as 2012’s Samuel Irvine-Wilkinson, a left-handed batsman and slow-left-arm-orthodox bowler for the BGS 2nd XI, have been training for this moment for years.

‘Ever since ‘Renners’ got dumped from the Test side for that cat Cameron Bancroft, I’ve been preparing for his return.’

Unfortunately for Samuel, he is a profoundly boring man. Conversation has been difficult for the last two years.

But all that could change. Samuel can see the very situation where he will be able to unleash his ‘conversational weapon of mass destruction.’

‘I’ll be chatting with six, or seven people. Few beers deep. Everyone’s relaxing. They don’t have a fucking clue what I’m about to deploy. Some shitwit will be talking about how he played barefoot bowls with Bernard Fanning’s brother last weekend, and just when people seem interested, that’s when I’ll do it. That’s when I’ll mention I gave Renners a high-five when he scored a century against IGS.’

The enormous grin on Samuel’s face seemed to indicate the interview was over, as his eyes glazed over with a profound vision of the victory and triumph he will enjoy.

We suspect there will be more to come.

‘This Is Fucked,’ Thinks Man Watching Gillette Ad Encouraging Him Not To Rape

On Monday, shaving company Gillette launched a new advertising campaign criticising endemic forms of toxic masculinity, and promoting their ideal of a more inclusive masculinity, in an attempt to sell more shaving razors.

The short advertisement, featuring clips which touch on #MeToo, violence, sexism, and aggression, ostensibly encourages men to be the ‘best they can be,’ a twist on their traditional ‘Gillette: The Best A Man Can Get’ slogan.

But this new campaign has not proved popular, with some bristling at the implication that their brand of masculinity could have negative outcomes.

‘I fucking hate this. Stay in your lane,’ thought James Lee (23), a fifth-year Commerce student with a passion for Jordan B. Peterson’s ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’ and its subsequent follow-up, ‘12 Rules For Life.’

‘This is actually fucked,’ he began to whisper to himself, as the advertisement challenged men to resist negative, violent behaviours, and endorse an open, positive outlook.

‘I mean, I am completely confident and unshaken in my masculinity. I don’t care what a shaving company says. In fact, my relentless confidence in the way I live my life is why I’m going to boycott all their products,’ he muttered in an exclusive interview with The Obiter.

‘No company is going to tell me to critically reflect upon my underlying beliefs and attitudes in a one and a half minute advertisement. Yuck.’

Referring to an article by far-right publication, The New American, James indicated to us that he could ‘think for himself,’ but that they really ‘said it all.’ In the article, the author writes ‘Men are the wilder sex, which accounts for their dangerousness - but also their dynamism.’

Let’s just pause for a moment to reflect on the fact that’s a real thing that a real online article wrote. Genuinely hilarious. That is the one thing we’ll publish this month that we didn’t make up, and it’s the funniest thing we’ve read in a while. Carrying on!

‘I’m dynamic!’ James yelled as we tried to leave his depressing Toowong studio apartment. ‘My danger leads to my dynamism - I’m so dynamic, I can call women sluts and also be frustrated that they won’t sleep with me in the same breath! I’m Mr Dynamic!’

Hopefully, no more to come.

College Athletes Furious Their Regular Diet Of Caviar & Foie Gras Interrupted By Frickin’ Burgers!

The Clemson Tigers, in honour of their national championship victory, attended the White House several days ago for a champion’s feast. However, due to the government shutdown forcing the White House chefs to be unavailable, the hungry pack of 20-year-old college athletes were forced instead to endure fast-food burgers, fries, and pizza.

Ew!

Normally, these enormous, hulking athletes who need to eat the equivalent of seven roast chickens a day to maintain muscle mass, snack on nine-course degustation menus before training, with Clemson’s duck fat risotto and scorched garlic sauce a particular favourite.

Indeed, for many of these players, they hadn’t even heard of burgers and pizza before their tragic, heartbreaking visit to the White House, leading many of them to over emphasise the ‘zz’ in pizza. Hence, they pronounced it as if rhymed with ‘scissor.’

Disgusting!

One particularly disappointed attendee was 136kg Alexander Dorrington-Whiteley, who eats, like most college students do, a diet strict on traditional French cooking techniques, and heavy in fresh, rich vegetables, proteins, and oils from the rolling hills of Italy’s Lazio region.

‘Oh, this just simply won’t do,’ said the Clemson Tigers offensive lineman, who needs to eat 8000 calories a day to maintain muscle mass.

‘I don’t see a sniff of a balsamic vinaigrette reduction, and it looks to me as if these chips haven’t been triple-cooked in goose fat. Why do we even bother?’

Curiously, the most popular menu items at the Clemson mess hall are the $1 slice of pizza, and their famous $3-for-2-hamburgers deal, which peaks in popularity at 1.30am in the morning. But we don’t know who’s eating that, because these athletes clear wouldn’t go near a dish that hasn’t been flambéd in brandy before being carved tableside.

Bizarre! Hopefully more to come from these disappointed culinary prodigies who moonlight as football players.

18-Hour Long UQ Red Heavies Gay Chem Sex Orgy Invalidated By Use Of ‘No Homo’

Reports trickled in Monday morning that the UQ Red Heavies boys were completely straight, with their sexuality remaining unchallenged, after their intense, eighteen-hour long chem sex orgy was invalidated by the collective use of the phrase ‘no homo.’

‘Not that there is anything wrong with being gay,’ stressed several of the boys, moments after screaming ‘no homo!’ at the peak of their erotic climax.

All UQ Red Heavies boys involved in the exhausting, drug-fueled sex session that ended with all twenty five squad members orgasming in unison made it abundantly clear that they had no problems with gay people, and indeed, ‘had gay friends.’

Openside flanker, and experienced orgy participant, Rowan Euens-Sheppard confirmed this for us, in an exclusive comment.

‘I have nothing against gay people at all. But I am completely straight and predominantly attracted to adult women with large breasts that indicate fertility. My participation in an epic, amphetamine-fueled orgy with the boys doesn’t change the fact that I am attracted to hot girls with big, fat asses, not men.’

It is great to see that the boys in the UQ Red Heavies are so comfortable in their sexuality. Their sweaty, oily, tight bodies may have contorted in erotic ecstasy with one another, but their use of the phrase ‘no homo’ comfortably resolves any question marks they may have personally had regarding their sexuality.

If they had not affirmed their straightness immediately following exploding in unison on one another’s chests, it would have been homosexual. But these boys thought about hot girls the entire time which is not something gay men would do, is it?

Some gay men men arguably might have enjoyed the intense, draining orgy - but all the boys involved didn’t enjoy it because they are straight. And they aren’t threatened by homosexuality, it’s just that they are not attracted to men.

UQ Law Dean Patrick Parkinson was not available for comment, but we trust that he would have congratulated the boys on resisting Satan’s homosexual agenda through their devilishly clever deployment of ‘no homo.’

With the rugby season on the horizon, we suspect there will be some more to come! And with five new orgy participants next week, we know for a fact there will be more to cum.

‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ Stuns Rafael Nadal In Shock First-Round Australian Open Victory

Hot off the tails of its recent win at the Golden Globes, Freddie Mercury biopic ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ has stunned tennis commentators and film critics alike with a classy, gritty victory over second-seed, Rafael Nadal, in the first round of the Australian Open.

When the cinematic tale of British rock icons Queen, and their iconic singer Freddie Mercury, first graced screens across the world, fans were raving about its performances, engaging narrative, and a parade of Queen’s classic hits.

But now, as ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ marches into the second round, having defeated Nadal 6-4, 3-6, 7-5 (7-3), 6-2, fans are raving about its powerful forehand, booming second serve, and ability to deftly balance entertainment and real human emotion.

Down a break in the third set, looking at 2-4 after the sixth game, commentators began to doubt whether a flashy first-set performance could be sustained by the blockbuster deep into the match.

Indeed, after initially appearing unsettled playing against a literal movie, Nadal had found some composure, stringing together some truly vintage Rafa shots.

Yet, digging deep, and perhaps summoning the memories of being an outright underdog at the Golden Globes, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ fought back, breaking the Spaniard and holding serve until a tiebreak at 6-5, won with class and composure by the brilliant biopic some have criticised for glossing over Mercury’s sexuality.

In the second round, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ will face Australian Matthew Ebden, but with one eye on ‘A Star Is Born’ lurking in the fourth.

With bated breath, there’s every chance ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ could be taking on ‘If Beale St Could Talk’ in the final, with both participants drawn on opposite sides of the draw. However, a tough semi-final against Federer would loom should ‘That Movie About Queen That Your Parents Loved’ make it that far.

Plenty more incoming.

Whoops! Dorky Dad Texts Family Group Chat Asking ‘Who Fucking Tonight?’

What a blunder! A local dorky dad, in an awkward little moment, has just sent the family group chat a text which reads ‘So… who fucking tonight?’

Dad! That’s so frickin’ embarrassing, seriously!

Craig Bronson (51) is your classic dorky dad. At his 50th, he sung ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads,’ with his brother on acoustic guitar, and had the audacity to follow that up with a verse of Daryl Braithwaite’s ‘The Horses.’

Craig is so dorky, he used to stand at the school gates and yell ‘I love you!’ to his two loving, but embarrassed, children, Kristy and Mark. Dorky Craig even stood on the sidelines during his son’s cricket matches, yelling out dorky comments like ‘Move your feet to the pitch of the ball!’ and ‘Don’t worry if you get out, there’s still meatloaf for dinner, kiddo!’

But dorkiness has been taken to a new level with this silly little blunder. Um, Craig, ever heard of a facepalm? Might want to try one right about now!

‘Didn’t realise it wasn’t ‘kosher’ to ask who’s fucking tonight anymore,’ said Craig, sheepishly.

‘When did my kids suddenly decide they were too old for Dad to ask them if they were fucking tonight? I sure as shit still text my Dad every time I’m about to let my wife sex me up. And yeah - he sends me a winky emoji back!’

‘And yeah, sometimes he asks for pictures. But that’s classic Dad and child stuff! Anyway, I know my kids are embarrassed about the text. But the question still stands - who’s fucking tonight?’

As Craig continued to ask us if we were fucking tonight, we slowly left the interview (the answer also being an obvious no - we’re an online satirical magazine, we don’t have functioning genitals).

Redfaced Kristy and Mark couldn’t be reached for comment, but we reckon it might be scrambled eggs in the Bronson household tomorrow morning, made from the egg on Craig’s face!

What a goose! Who’s fucking tonight, Craig? You’re fucking up your chances of a normal text to the family group chat. Dads, am I right?

More to cum.

Hip New West End Cafe Turns Out To Be Confused Italian Grandmother’s Kitchen

In a disappointing turn of events, a groovy new cafe which opened in Brisbane’s West End last week has been revealed as the kitchen of a confused, generous Italian grandmother.

Valentina Alfonsi (71) has lived in West End since arriving on Australia’s shores at the tender age of 11. Like many European immigrants to Brisbane, she infused her own culture and heritage with that of Australia’s, making dishes for her extended family which deftly blend fresh, local ingredients, and traditional Italian methods.

However, those dishes have recently proved an enormous hit with West End’s yuppy, hipster crowd, who have found themselves on Sunday mornings sitting in Alfonsi’s kitchen, enjoying her hospitality.

Steven Davies (23), an Architecture student and owner of mildly famous left-wing Twitter account ‘Sorry For Flexing On Peter Dutton,’ wandered into Alfonsi’s kitchen one day, and noting the decor and the dishes bubbling away on the stove, assumed it was a niche new breakfast hotspot.

After immediately texting his breakfast group chat, ‘thank u, next (breakfast place pls),’ he took a seat in Alfonsi’s dining room, and waited for the menu that never came.

Instead, the befuddled Alfonsi assumed Steven must’ve been one of her grandson’s friends, and whipped him up a feast fit for a king. When seven friends rocked up, Alfonsi kept cooking. And cooking. And cooking.

For the last three months.

We spoke with Steven about how he could make such a genuinely absurd mistake.

‘I don’t know, I just saw the eclectic mix of steel water cups, stovetop coffee, and a quirky, yet homely interior, and I just assumed it was a great place for an hungover yet hip breakfast.’

‘Which wasn’t technically wrong. Nonna Alfonsi makes a mean smashed avo on foccacia with cracked black pepper and garlic-roasted tomatoes.’

Seemingly unfazed by the lack of physical payment options, customers of the affectionately-named ‘Brown Door Cafe,’ as they have started to call it, have all assumed the payment method is planting a tree in Alfonsi’s front-yard.

‘Yeah, it’s pretty common for these breakfast collective places to forgo physical payment and promote the planting of trees in local hotspots,’ said Steven’s friend and one-time lover, Sara Groff (22), referring to a practice we’re pretty fucking certain doesn’t exist.

Hopefully no more to come for the beleaguered Nonna Alfonsi. Although, we’re actually getting a bit peckish, I wonder if she’s on UberEats?

I’ll ask.

‘Hitler Used Taxpayer Money To Attend Nazi Rallies!’ Claims Defensive Fraser Anning

After confirming that he used taxpayer funds in order to attend a neo-Nazi rally in Melbourne, Queensland senator Fraser Anning has launched a defence which can only be described as bizarre, claiming that ‘Adolf Hitler used oodles of taxpayer money to attend Nazi rallies, and no-one batted an eyelid.’

‘In fact, not only did he attend these rallies, he often organised them - which must’ve cost even more taxpayer money!’

The senator, who has been exiled from both Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party and the Katter Australia Party for being an inappropriate fit with their ideologies (as neither party is overly keen on Nazis), took advantage of the generous travel entitlements afford to parliamentarians to catch a flight to St Kilda beach to be a part of the right-wing rally.

After facing substantial public criticism earlier in the year for his use of the phrase ‘the final solution’ in literally his first speech to Parliament (start with a bang, hey F-Dog), Anning refrained from any Hitler comparisons.

But the accusation of misusing taxpayer funds seems to have struck him harder than the accusation that he supports neo-Nazi views, hence leading to the imaginatively-named ‘Hitler’ defence.

In an exclusive with The Obiter, Anning revealed this was part of a carefully-constructed master plan to get the mass media off his back.

‘See, all they care about is the taxpayer money. And if I can prove other notable public figures used taxpayer money to attend neo-Nazi events, then I can’t imagine anyone will take issue.’

What a gun. Proud day to be a Queenslander.’