First Year Tip: Don’t Miss A Lecture Or You’ll Go To Jail

It’s the second week of Semester One, and first-years all across the university are just beginning the process of coming to grips with university life.

Coffee orders are being settled upon (double-shot soy flat white), wallets are being bankrupted courtesy of a Boost juice every day, and some truly roguish first-years are even partaking in a beer.

At 2pm! What?

But here at The Obiter, we don’t want any first-years to be walking through university life without understanding a few important rules. One of the most crucial relates to education. It’s simple. Don’t miss a lecture! Lectures are an important part of understanding the substantive component of your course, before exploring that content in your tutorials.

And also, if you miss a lecture, you’ll go to jail.

It’s a fascinating quirk of the University of Queensland that any first-year found to be skipping a lecture will immediately be sentenced to a term of imprisonment, with Vice-Chancellor Peter Hoj often donning his Warden cap as the Chief Administrator of ‘The First-Years Who Missed Lectures Penitentiary & Rehabilitation Facility,’ located just below the Red Room.

Thinking that SOCY1060’s Week 4 lecture on environmental sociology isn’t worth it? We know what’s truly not worth it, and that’s six months in a dank, moist prison, filled with the drippings of spilt jugs of Iron Jack from above.

Reckon that you’re on top of CHEM1100? Doesn’t matter, champ. Want to sleep through your 9am lecture? Well, get ready to sleep on concrete floors whilst you’re literally serving a custodial sentence for the crime of skipping a lecture.

Obviously, the university has an appeals process, but you’d only learn about said process if you attended the lecture you missed, so there goes that chance.

To every new first-year (as opposed to every old-first year), university is about having fun, enjoying new experiences, and making new friends.

But unless you want ‘fun’ to be the half-hour of recreation time you get each day, ‘new experiences’ to be trying to kill the prison rats so you can have something meaty to go with your bread-and-soup daily meal, and your ‘new friends’ to be scary third-years who have been charged with academic misconduct, then attend your lectures.

Because once you’re in, it’s hard to get out.

Hopefully, no more to come.

‘Why Is Sydney So Vibrant And Colourful This Weekend?’ Asks Grandma

The well-meaning but misguided Grandmother of Dan Evans (23), and Sarah Evans (25), Edith Evans, has today asked her grandchildren exactly why Sydney is looking just so ‘colourful, bold, and vivacious’ this weekend.

The Evans children, hailing from Brisbane’s northern suburbs, have been pressured by their parents recently to take their Grandmother on a holiday. This is because, as bluntly put by Roger Evans (58), ‘she’s got fuck-all time left.’

So Dan and Sarah settled on a weekend away in Sydney. Bondi, cafes, and a nightlife which is perfect for a 79-year-old grandmother were all major drawcards.

And yet another drawcard was Mardi Gras, the annual celebration of LGBT culture which brings an enormous amount of colour and excitement to Sydney each year, culminating in Sunday’s Mardi Gras parade.

But for Edith, whose cultural awareness extends about as far as the front door of her Nundah home, the rainbow flags and pounding tunes of Village People’s brilliant ‘Go West,’ are simply an indicator of Sydney ‘really turning it on this weekend.’

‘I had to ask my grandkids just why little old Sydney is really exploding this weekend! So much colour, so much life,’ Edith told The Obiter.

‘And so many nice young men in good, sold leather clothing as well. Lots of police officers, tradies, and Native Americans around too!’

Unfortunately, her grandkids don’t have the heart to explain to the error of her ways. So Edith will seemingly continue this weekend, in blissful ignorance.

‘I asked a nice young chap how to Go West, because I just wanted to head to Newtown, and he started singing and dancing straightaway - what a whimsical city this has become!’

‘Still need directions though.’

More to come, queen!

It's Frickin' Beer O'Clock! Beer Time, Everyone!

God, we like the look of that. Two beers, two mates, and what appears to be some good times safely underway. Nicely done! It’s frickin’ beer time, Brisbane!

Don’t mind if I do, this man thinks to himself. Nothing more beer o’clock than knocking the froth off a frothy-frothster (just a fun little nickname for beer)! Drink on, it’s beer time.

Group of friends with a group of beers. Exciting, refreshing, everything you’d want from the best time of day - beer time! Froth away, comrades. Yew!

Um, not to get geopolitical here, but don’t mind if I do follow your instructions, Mr Putin. Yum yum! Beer me!

Now hang on one minute. That’s not a beer. That’s not even a beer in his hand, I think it’s a walkie-talkie. By all accounts, instead of a man enjoying a brew (or two), that’s a man running for his life from a genuinely dangerous hippopotamus. This is almost the polar opposite of having a beer. Someone help him!

Jesus CHRIST, the hippo is seriously giving chase. Truly afraid here. The memories of beer o’clock are long gone, this is actually terrifying. Run, man, run! The hippo will kill you! GET OUT!

Phew, back on home turf here! Draught beer, a sunny afternoon. What could be better? Hope that man with the hippo is fine though, it’s possibly worth checking back—

I’m sorry, WHAT?!?! The hippo was only after a Furphy Refreshing Ale this whole time? Well drink up, you hungry, thirsty, hippo. No one can begrudge you a humble Furphy addiction!

Ben Shapiro Charged With Possession Of Lethal Weapon: His Brain

Right-wing commentator, and thirty-five-year-old human male, Ben Shapiro, is in custody this evening after a team of heavily armed DEA agents arrested him for the unlawful possession of a deadly weapon.

A weapon deadlier than any other. His brain.

That little ball of grey matter has been known to assault liberals with facts and logic, destroy libtards with its frightening rationality, and defraud the intellectually dishonest.

In fact, the DEA’s attention was most recently caught by Shapiro’s terrifying brain being used to straight-up murder Beto O’Rourke.

Detained at his Los Angeles home, the 172cm meter tall Harvard Law School graduate, whose wife is a doctor, was charged with the possession of a dangerous weapon and remanded in custody, with bail set by a local court at $2million.

Insiders with firsthand knowledge of the case reported that the weapon, Mr. Shapiro’s particularly large, dense, throbbing brain, was especially destructive when used to obliterate and destroy idiotic, delusional left-wing opponents.

His superior command of the English language, his vast repository of knowledge in the fields of history, politics, and philosophy that can be recalled on command, and ability to use large words at a frightening, epic speed were all cited as threats when discussing the danger his brain posed to snowflake fucktards concerned more for feelings than facts, logic and reason.

‘Mr. Shapiro’s IQ score is high enough alone to obliterate a small to medium sized town or village,’ confirmed our anonymous source.

As Mr Shapiro was taken into custody, he was last heard screaming ‘facts don’t care about your feelings,’ which is a pretty deranged claim considering facts don’t care about anything. They’re facts. They’re an abstract concept. They do not possess the capacity to care about anything.

More to come in this breaking story.

Confused Anthony Cassimatis Says He’s Been PIL Testing For Years

Fierce debate over proposals to install pill testing facilities at music festivals has consumed political commentary and discourse in recent weeks, following drug-related incidents at major music festivals across the summer.

However, UQ professor and former course coordinator of Public International Law Anthony Cassimatis has expressed his confusion over the incensed reaction the issue has sparked.

‘I PIL tested students for years,’ Professor Cassimatis told The Obiter when we met in his TCB office earlier this week.

‘How else was I going to know whether to pass the students who took PIL as a course in their penultimate or final year of study?’

While State Governments and music festivals have reached an apparent impasse on the proposal, Professor Cassimatis is frankly bewildered the issue is even controversial at all.

‘It’s not an overly contentious process. I teach the content, I write an exam and the students are given the chance to demonstrate their knowledge in the field and grasp on key concepts of  Private International Law. Yes, it’s PIL testing and it can be stressful but I don’t honestly see how it’s going to lead to any more deaths than it currently does.’

Professor Cassimatis seemed truly baffled when we asked him if it was distracting having students in his lectures ‘gurning away, with pupils like dinner plates.’

‘I honestly don’t know why a healthy understanding of the operation of public international law in Australia would lead a student to, what did you say, chew their gums?’

‘Yes, the comedown can be bad after Swotvac, but just take some time to relax. Outlawing any form of testing is simply extreme.’

At press time, Professor Cassimatis was seen looking over practice exam answers outside a portaloo at Laneway.

Brave White Guy In POLS Tute Courageously Offers To Play 'Devil's Advocate'

Wow. You talk about courage, you think of the ANZACs, single mothers, and the producers of Green Book. But in an act of unprecedented bravery and self-sacrifice, a straight, white, male second-year Arts/Commerce student has just offered to ‘play Devil’s Advocate’ in his Indigenous Politics & Policy tute.

Jeremy Foxwood (19) was excited to attend his first tute for POLS2101 Indigenous Politics & Policy, relishing the opportunity to share in other’s ideas, learn, and foster intellectual development through listening to peers.

But disaster struck just five minutes into the tute. Amidst a preliminary discussion of the issues facing Indigenous Australians in rural communities, Jeremy rapidly realised that a key part of the debate was missing.

A Devil’s Advocate.

The tute room was filled to the brim with the rising din of voices agreeing that the dispossession of Indigenous Australians from their native lands has contributed greatly to the issues faced today. And as Jeremy’s ears filled with people agreeing with each other, he felt sick to the stomach.

For it seemed as if no-one else would do the unthinkable. No-one else had the moral fibre, the courage, the conviction, the calm temperament, to fulfil the role that everyone so desperately needed, but no-one was willing to do.

So, voice trembling, revealing a nervousness that was only quelled by Jeremy muttering to himself ‘clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose,’ Jeremy raised his hand, and hurled himself onto the grenade.

‘Look, if I could just play Devil’s Advocate for a moment…’

Those eleven words, in a flash, had rescued an entire tute from the dark grips of going seven minutes without having a private-educated white chap play Devil’s Advocate. As Jeremy channelled the advocate for the Devil, proposing that a ‘lack of personal responsibility,’ and ‘biologically-lower IQs’ were responsible for the plight of Indigenous Australians, his fortunate classmates breathed an enormous sigh of relief.

The fields of Villers-Bretonneux are littered with the fallen, who gave their lives in noble self-sacrifice. And the carpet of Michie Building Room 209 is now forever infused with Jeremy’s bravery. As the SJWs rapidly turned on him, in their ‘screeching, hysterical manner’ (as was later reported in Jeremy’s final letter to his loved ones), he accepted his fate, knowing that he had fulfiled his duty.

The time has come to salute a legend.

So, to every noble white guy in a POLS tute who volunteers to play Devil’s Advocate, thank you. Thank you a million times over.

So much more to come from these impressive young men.

‘Plain Vanilla Sexual Penetration Case’ Found To Be Unpopular New Cold Rock Ice-Cream Flavour

A bold marketing tactic has failed to pay off for Cold Rock Ice Creamery today, as their attempt to cash in on a national scandal left customers confused and angered.

Following Cardinal George Pell’s conviction earlier this week on child molestation charges, his barrister described one of Pell’s offences as a ‘plain vanilla sexual penetration case where the child is not actively participating.’ This was in a bold attempt to diminish the gravity of the Cardinal’s crimes, by comparing them to a delicious flavour made of the vanilla bean.

Apparently smelling opportunity, Cold Rock CEO Stan Gordon leapt into action, commissioning the production of a new flavour aimed to perfectly capture the indescribable sense of this ‘plain vanilla sexual penetration.’

‘Here at Cold Rock Ice Creameries, we search for flavour wherever it can be found,’ wrote Gordon in a statement to the media. ‘That’s the promise we make to our yummy customers, and we hope to Cold-Rockin’ stand by that promise.’

‘That’s why, with the help of our scientists in the Creamatorium, we have, for the first time in history, produced a flavour that tastes of a terrible, terrible crime.’

Unfortunately for Gordon and Cold Rock, the flavour has proved unpopular, even in the blazing summer heat, with customers describing it as ‘bizarre,’ ‘offensive,’ and ‘it was a bit weird that the Creamery Artists said they had to watch me lick it.’

Polls showed that only six people nationwide have tried the flavour in its first twenty-four hours, with that number expected to dramatically decrease (although Andrew Bolt has reportedly ordered ten kilos of the concoction for his #FreePell Sunday soiree).

Those who actually tried the flavour were also left unimpressed.

‘The bitter taste of the intergenerational trauma inflicted by child sexual abusers does not make for a good ice cream flavour,’ said local ice cream aficionado, Matthew Cook (20).

‘It’s admittedly impressive they distilled the fear and mental torture inflicted on those who are victims of child sexual abuse into a single flavour, even though it was both disgusting, and went terribly with a Caramello Koala mix-in.’

‘Still better than Liquorice though.’

We hope there’s precious little more to come.

Law Student Blames Inability To Get Clerkship On ‘Mercury Being In Retrograde’

Ah, clerkship season.

The time of year that has law students everywhere on edge, wishing they had the perfect GPA, a killer resume, and/or wealthy white parents with good connections (always a safe bet in life if you can get your hand on the third one!)

One student, Justine Chivers (22), recently came to us with an awful recount of her own experiences with the battle for a clerkship. This in and of itself was intriguing, as students rarely want to talk to us, and we instead have to battle for face time with literally everyone.

Justine Chivers is a fourth-year Law/Arts (Astrology Major) student at QUT. It is safe to say she does not really understand the law, and neither does she have an overly strong grasp on reality.

Admittedly, her Instagram bio of ‘Chiver Me Timbers!’ is a pretty funny pirating reference, but immediately ruined by the following description of herself as ‘22. Gemini. Legal student. Queen. Universe reader.’

But that understanding of the universe has reportedly provided her some  does, however, understand the universe, so she knows her failure to secure a clerkship this year is far from her own fault. It certainly has nothing do with her 3.8 GPA, her appalling academic record, her dull performance at clerkship drinks, or her insistence on calling a Freehills partner her ‘spiritual angel child.’

Instead, Mercury is at fault, yet again. The bitch is in retrograde.

‘I don’t really have a resume at the moment, so I handed in my birth chart instead,’ she notes.

On this point, something tells us her pesky Taurus Moon was the key factor in her failure to secure the clerkship.

More to come, angel dust.

Pell Doesn't Get Off

Cardinal Pell, in a change, has not gotten off today.

As the gag order (don’t) was lifted on the court proceedings, the world has learned about the filthy crimes of the cardinal once tipped (don’t) as a potential Pope.

‘Unlike numerous occasions in the past, Cardinal Pell has not managed to get off,” Judge Peter Kidd (seriously don’t) has announced today.

‘Guess the average age in the courtroom was mainly over 15 years old, so makes sense.’

More to come (don’t).

Q&A Ruined! Jordan Peterson Unable To Comprehend The Liberal Party Is Right-Wing

The highly controversial, hotly-anticipated appearance of Jordan Peterson on Q&A has almost been ruined after he failed to grasp the notion of Australia’s Liberal Party actually representing conservative politics and ideologies.

Although there is conjecture over his standing as a political commentator, Professor Peterson is an eminently qualified psychologist, making it all the annoying that Tony Jones had to spend the first thirty minutes of the program translating questions to the desperately confused Canadian.

The panel show had already had a rocky start, with Peterson yelling ‘That’s not what I said! You’re misrepresenting me!’ before any questions had actually been asked, and it pretty much spiralled downhill from there.

‘Negative gearing is just not something that we traditionally associate with liberal ideologies, I’m really surprised that a liberal party is going with that fairly capitalist, conservative economic policy,’ said JBP, as Terri Butler shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

As Dr Peterson continued marvel at just how conservative Australia’s liberal party was, the young white men in the audience shifted rapidly from bemused to disheartened, as they realised their hero was not coping with a simple shift in vocabulary.

‘It’s so fucked how Australia uses different words from other countries,’ said Jai Mackenzie, an avid JBP fan, wearing a United Patriots Front t-shirt. Or maybe it was the Patriots United Front? Or the Front of United Patriots? Actually, we believe it was the People’s Front of Patriotic United Citizens.

Hard to keep track of every deranged alt-right group these days.

That was not the only surprise of the evening. Van Badham, after listening to Jordan’s condemnation of the Liberal Party, argued for the immediate installation of Peter Dutton as Prime Minister.

‘I don’t know what came over me,’ she said.

‘I was so committed to disagreeing with Peterson that I ended up tweeting an endorsement for the Voldemort of the Liberal Party.’

The shitshow ended with Tony Jones’ head in his hands, and JBP screaming at the audience, beginning to know ‘why a party called KAP exclusively wears broad brim hats.’

Not much more to come.