Straight White Male Obiter Editors Wonder If Their Hot Takes On ‘Green Book’ And ‘Black Panther’ Are Needed

Without doubt, the diversity of nominees and winners in this year’s Academy Awards is a triumphant display of the diversity present in quality filmmaking, and provides a glimmer of hope that the Academy is moving away from their conservative image.

But there’s one problem with a field of winners that includes the first black superhero (Black Panther), a film dominated by three female leads (The Favourite), a film which grapples with race relations in 1960s America (Green Book), a Spike Lee joint (BlackkKlansman), and a Netflix original, directed by Mexico’s Alfonso Cuaron, which focuses on a working-class, indigenous woman (Roma).

And that problem is simple. Straight white male Obiter editors are beginning to wonder whether their scorching hot takes are needed.

Speaking anonymously to The Obiter, which is weirdly like talking to yourself, editor Joe Dwyer wondered out loud whether his article idea, ‘Gee, Black Panther Is A Weird Remake Of The Pink Panther,’ quite captured the vibe of the zeitgeist.

‘For whatever reason, I feel a little less happy to comment on some of this year’s nominees. Hm. Honestly can’t put my finger on why the BlackkKlansman ideas have been flowing less readily than our thoughts on La La Land.’

On a similar note, leaked messages from The Obiter’s WhatsApp group give some insight into the challenges facing satirical writers who are slowly realising that maybe some of this year’s nominees weren’t exactly ‘for’ them.

‘So what you’re saying is we shouldn’t do a live video where we ask Peter Hoj if he believes in Wakanda Forever?’ was one such message.

‘Tbh, I wonder if we need to actually watch Roma before we start paying it out,’ was another.

But the true nail in the coffin was the question we’ve all been asking.

‘Why is this a WhatsApp group? You’ve never heard of Facebook Messenger?’

However, the fleeting uneasiness was immediately put aside in favour of an onslaught of articles that some might describe as in ‘poor taste,’ including ‘The Favourite Wins Best Thing To Bring When You’re Told Not To Bring A Thing,’ and ‘Green Book? More Like Meme Book.’

At press time, Samantha Haran was heard asking the other writers if they were ‘fucking kidding themselves.’

Hopefully, no more to come.

New Oscars Category Revealed! ‘Best Movie People Tell You To Watch But You Never Will’

Ever since the Academy first got together in 1921 on a Friday night at Chris' house to watch films, it's been surrounded by controversy and upset.

No host? Too many hosts? Not enough people in suits and dresses? Too many speeches? Where were the entrees? Melissa McCarthy arrived late! These are all things my Grandmother said to me about her 91st birthday, but it applies here as well.

What has been met with resounding affirmation, however, unmarked with the controversies that have plagued films like ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and ‘Green Book,’ has been the unveiling of a new category of film by the geniuses at the Academy.

For 2019, the Academy will finally award the ever-important ‘Best Movie People Tell You To Watch But You Never Will.’

It fits that perfect niche of films that you know are good, but watching them are such an effort and it's just easier to watch a whole season of Brooklyn 99 instead.

This year, contenders for the award include Green Book, Roma, BlackkKlansman, The Favourite, and, to be honest, pretty much anything that isn’t Black Panther (superhero movies are fucking sick).

But the little gold man trophy ultimately went to Green Book, which I might get round to seeing at some point if I have a free Sunday afternoon.

Although, apparently The Good Place is worth a watch.

Hm. More to come.

‘They Just Want To Hire Good Blokes, I’ll Be Sweet,’ Says Final-Year Student Probably Not Getting A Grad Offer

Jim Saxon (22), a final-year Law student, is quietly confident that he will be offered a graduate job at prestigious Brisbane firm, Nicholson Hewitt & West, this Wednesday.

Despite his dreadful academic performance, and an unimpressive effort at his single clerkship, Mr Saxon’s bold assuredness stems from his belief that firms aren’t interested in the law, but rather, focus on ‘getting around the boys.’

‘To be honest, these big corporate joints just want quality blokes. And that’s me in a nutshell! I’ll be right, mate, the grad offer is on its way.’

Jim’s dazzling GPA of 4.5 was not enough to secure his clerkship without a strong word from his uncle - a move said uncle now bitterly regrets.

Jim’s colourful clerkship involved a few too many drinks at the Christmas party, and an unsuccessful pass at a senior associate.

‘Look we are used to overlooking light misogyny, but he couldn’t even work the fucking printer,’ explained Human & Culture Director, Bryan Martin.

Jim’s individual belief reflects a number of recent studies, which conclusively demonstrate that the more you excessively assure yourself that you’re a good bloke, the less likely that is the truth.

Jim’s aforementioned uncle, who is known as ‘Jimbo,’ has been overheard during a partner morning tea telling colleagues ‘I’ve taken my fair share of bad graduates but he is just a straight up fuckwit.

‘Lucky he’s not my kid so I don’t have to give him a job.’

At the time of publication Jim is blissfully unaware of the antipathy held by his former workplace, and is actually sort of keen to bump into some of them Jàde Buddha on Friday.

‘As long as I’m good around the group, I’m laughing. You know I didn’t even write an email the whole time I was there? Just was a good team man.’

More to come from this tragic man.

It's The Last Weekend Of Uni Holidays: Is It Time To Try Ice?

That time of year has arrived once again. The last weekend of holidays. Suddenly, three months of saying you’ll go to the beach at some point feel like they’ve flown by like a condom wrapper in the wind. From here on in, it’s essays and KeepCups.

The anxiety sets in - did I do enough? Did I make the most of this comically long break? Was it worth it?

Well, good news! There’s still one weekend left to tick off that final box on your Uni Break Bucket List! And, yes, we all know what that means.

It’s time to try ice!

All holidays, you’ve been flirting with trying crystal meth, but you’ve just never had the time! Well you better get hopping – it’s your last chance! Being a student is about experimenting, and what better way to do so than poisoning your body with the stimulant born of dangerous experiments themselves! It’ll be Breaking Rad!

Engaing in the pure, incredible high of high-quality ice is something that’s all the rage in country Queensland, but something that you’ve managed to avoid since late November (fuck, uni holidays are long). So, why wouldn’t you? Dip your toe into the powerful, orgasmic ocean of strong, delicious methamphetamines.

All your friends are already doing it! Don’t be that sad loser who has to trudge into their first lecture on Monday morning, head bowed in embarrassment as their friends recount wholesome summer stories filled with sunny days and ice-cream, which of course is the term for when you shove meth into a tub of Peter’s vanilla before injecting that shit into your tanned arm!

Cowabunga!

Yep, summer is the best time of year. And what’s the one thing to make these golden years even more memorable? That’s right, the first steps of crippling, all-encompassing addiction! Trainspotting was a comedy, yo!

So, in the words of Rihanna, ‘cheers to the friggin weekend... now, where’s my ice at?!?’

So much more to come after we get our hands on some more ice, we’re crashing really hard here, send help.

BoM: Cyclone Oma May Be Sweet, But Be Assured She Is A Psycho

The Bureau of Meteorology has this morning issued a statement explaining that Cyclone Oma has been downgraded to a Category 1 storm and is unlikely to impact the Queensland coast to the extent the department initially believed.

However, the collective sigh of relief came with a caveat: this bitch cray.

’Yes, Cyclone Oma has led us to believe she is not going to cause a scene,’ meteorologist Susan Rain told The Obiter.

‘But keep in mind, she loves this shit. It’s very on-brand for Oma to act all cool and then turn up and just go fucking bananas.’

The manipulative games of Oma are something BoM feared from the outset.

‘Oooh, Category 1, she’s sweet – no. She is still completely pyscho and could turn at any minute.’

Oma has been described by weather experts across the nation as ‘high maintenance’ and ‘an attention-seeker.’

One weather-woman, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of windy retribution, disclosed to The Obiter that Oma, ‘will probably head to the beach and get heaps of photos taken of her before heading back to town and just making an absolute fucking mess of my weekend.’

’Bitch.’

BoM have advised Queenslanders to avoid the crazy eye of the storm this weekend.

More to come.

Suspicious! Mitchell Johnson Enrols As UQ Law Student Day Before Suri Ratnapala Cup

In a move that can only be described as ‘suspicious,’ and ‘borderline dangerous,’ ex-Australian fast bowler, Mitchell Johnson, has enrolled in UQ Law mere days before the Suri Ratnapala Cup.

Johnson has described the decision to enrol as ‘academic enrichment,’ whereas the staff who will be taking the field to play the students in Sunday’s Suri Cup match have used the phrase ‘fucking terrifying.’

One of Australia’s premier quicks, Johnson retired from competitive cricket in May 2018, and has since focused on his burgeoning business career. At his best, Johnson could sling down left-arm thunderbolts, causing batsmen to be afraid for their lives as well as their wickets.

And as he is now technically a Law student, looks like he’ll be taking the field for the student team on Sunday! Nice, Mitch!

Middle-order batsman and medium-pacer for the Student XI, Lachlan Glaves, was reached for comment. He indicated that the team was ‘excited, but confused’ about Johnson’s willingness to play in a friendly match between students and professionals.

‘Obviously great that Mitch is getting around the team, but we all feel like there are better things he could be doing. He has a child. Why is he walking around UQ, muttering that Graham Orr better get ready for a broken fucking arm? I’m pretty sure that Graeme Orr is umpiring.’

In the nets, Johnson has been cranking it up in preparation for Sunday, already injuring two student batsman, before declaring them ‘weak,’ and deciding he will open the batting. Some strange aggression coming from a ‘fellow student.’

A member of the Staff/Professionals XI, Lewis Radford, expressed excitement about the chance to test his skills against one of Australia’s great fast bowlers.

‘Obviously, to be the best, you have to beat the best, and that’s what I’ll be doing on Sunday.’

A pause followed, as we saw glints of fear flash across Mr. Radford’s eyes.

‘Who am I kidding, I just want to live. I’m praying for Cyclone Oma to hit so I don’t have to face a ball.’

In response to these comments, Johnson declared, whilst twirling his comically long moustache that is hanging down to at least stomach-height, ‘Cyclone Oma? They’d better get ready for bloody Cyclone Johnson. Yew! I love cricket!’

Intriguing stuff from a first-year. We wonder how Johnson will do in Contracts, given Australian cricketers famously hate the seminar system of teaching, and would really appreciate a move back to tutorial-and-lecture.

Plenty more where that came from, champ.

‘Married At Last Sight’: Inside Channel 9’s Misguided Attempt To Merge Reality TV & Euthanasia

By the time you are reading this, a lot will have been written about what has already been described as ‘the single most deranged decision in the history of commercial television.’

Channel 9 are no strangers to controversy; in fact, they’ve often invited it. However, the intrigue of conflict that has so often fuelled ratings for the network dynasty has backfired spectacularly this week after their announcement of a spin-off of their hit social experiment ‘Married At First Sight.’

‘After the roaring success of MAFS,’ a statement from Channel 9 read, ‘we have decided to expand the scope of the experiment. It is in that spirit that we are excited to announce ‘Married At Last Sight.’

Inviting applicants aged between 87 – 104, Channel 9 explained that the show would revolve around the final weeks of contestants’ lives.

The contestants would be coerced by Channel 9 into deciding to discontinue life support before being introduced to their spouse. Reportedly, the spouses will be local celebrities who will sign 45-minute contracts for their involvement. At press time, Nick Kyrgios, Julia Morris and Joel Creasey had already jumped on board.

‘The idea is basically that they meet the love of their life at the end of their life,’ producer Gareth Peen told The Obiter.

‘To be honest, I don’t really have a justification but we just reckon old people getting married is a bit funny. We hope viewers agree!’

Viewers did not.

In the hours following the release, QLD Health and aged care facilities across the nation announced their livid disapproval of the proposed program.

‘So, what, they just consent to euthanasia, and then Channel 9 rush a spouse in and marrying them off just in time?’ asked Federal Health Minister Greg Hunt in a press conference, where he seemed less angry about the concept than he was genuinely baffled about the logistics.

‘It’s just so fucked.’

Channel 9 have not backed down and will push ahead with the idea. Initial ratings predictions have forecasted an average nightly audience of 2.01 million.

So, so much more to come.

UQU Expresses Concern Over Hiring Ja Rule To Manage Market Day

Market Day is the biggest day of the UQ Union calendar. With thousands of new students flooding the St Lucia campus, the student body is tasked with the mammoth effort of coordinating the stalls, entertainment and logistics of the iconic orientation event.

This year, in an effort to reduce the strain on UQU executives, Union President Georgia Milroy decided to hire an external project manager to externally manage the project.

However, on the eve of Market Day, the Union has expressed concern about their decision to hire rapper Ja Rule as their point man.

‘I’m going to be one hundred percent down the line with you here: when he signed him up, I genuinely hadn’t seen the Fyre Festival documentaries,’ President Milroy told The Obiter in an exclusive interview at Subway.

‘In hindsight, I did think it was weird that a world famous rapper had reached out to us to express his interest in helping out with Market Day. But I just thought he was an over-zealous first year; he’s studying an Event Management Single Major part time this year.’

Milroy admits that as Market Day drew closer , her team of advisers became anxious about Mr Rule’s event management experience.

‘Throughout the planning stage, Ja would hang out at Pizza Café for hours on end and kept claiming to anyone who’d listen that he had secured Blink-182 to perform in the Great Court on Market Day. We saw no emails or confirmation or anything from Blink-182’s management, and were suspicious because in previous years we hadn’t even been able to lock down The Steele Syndicate’s jazzy rhythms, but Ja assured us he was all over it.’

The Union’s concerns were only amplified in January when a pair of documentaries were released, unpacking Ja Rule’s disastrous previous event ‘Fyre Festival.’ ‘We split the our Exec into two,’ Milroy explained.

‘Half watched the Netflix doco, half watched the Hulu (a notably more difficult task because they had to torrent it off Euduroam).’

‘We became quickly aware that Ja was not the master event organiser he proclaimed to be.’

As early as Monday, Mr Rule was contacting the State Emergency Services to source stalls and supplies that they often reserve for flood and cyclone affected areas.

‘In what world did Ja Rule think the SES would stock L Card posters?’ asked bewildered officer Mark Silver.

With students set to arrive at UQ tomorrow morning, the Union is now planning for the worst case scenario.

‘We’re getting Merlos to do up some cheese sandwiches for everyone just in case this goes tits up early,’ Milroy said whilst clutching a long black and a brown paper bag.

We’ll see how this goes. Certainly more to come.

Aspiring Motivational Speaker Really Wishing He Could Just Lose A Limb Already

From the day he graduated BBC, Adam Watson (19) never doubted his dream career. He’d spent his schooldays participating in public speaking (but weirdly never made the transition to debating). He was the young man that the prestigious Lions Youth of the Year Competition once described as ‘successfully enrolled.’

He was, frankly, a prodigy.

Adam Watson wanted to be a motivational speaker. No other prospective career quite compared to his daydreams of passionately advocating the value of daily reflection and rock climbing to an assembly hall of fidgeting 14-year olds.

His one true goal was to travel the inner-West of Brisbane, pacing amongst rows of pre-teens, explaining the formative value of setting goals (and writing them down).

However, in recent months, Adam has realised that achieving his goals may not be as simple as waking up and whispering ‘I can and I must’ three times.

In a cruel twist, nobody appears to want the advice or guidance of a 19-year old who only leaves Brisbane when his Coolum apartment isn’t being rented out and he can get a weekend away.

Adam Watson has realised he needs a life-altering shake up in his life if he is ever to incorporate ‘Adam Watson’s Dream Mechanics Inc.’

To that end, he has a new wish: that he could just hurry up and lose a limb already.

Nothing too major; just a humble arm amputation would really re-energise his motivational speaking career. Going the full 127 Hours is not out of the question for Adam: such is the dogged nature of his determination.

Adam knows that if he could just walk out onto an assembly and soak in the audible gasps when his weird claw leg scrapes across the stage, then his future would be set in stone. If he could just tear up when he gets to the part about not being able to teach is 8-year old Darcy to catch a rugby ball because his claw thing couldn’t pass. That would be more than he could ever ask for.

For now, Adam must settle for the benefits of planning your week ahead on a Sunday evening. But one day soon, he hopes to hear the pitter patter of that weird claw.

Hopefully, more to come, Adam. You brave, brave man.

‘I Might Just Smokebomb,’ Says Girl No One Noticed Arrive

Saturday nights are famously when a little city named Brisbane comes the fuck alive.

For the fun-loving, low-earning student, the glitz and glam of Mr Percival’s takes as big a toll on the bank account as it does on the self-confidence. Thus, the humble house party, without views of the river and people immeasurably more attractive than yourself, is where it’s at.

Yet, for 22-year old marketing grad Lucy Dyson, Saturday’s venture to a work friend’s housewarming did not deliver the vibe she was so desperately seeking after a brutally long week of contacting influencers on behalf of Verge Girl.

The party was full of people Lucy ‘doesn’t even fucking know’ (as revealed in a covert message to her best friend from school, Samantha Murphy) and the tub of hummus was large enough to ensure that the dismal supply of crackers was efficiently decimated, leaving a big, fuck-off tub of hummus on the table with no means of transporting the chickpea gel into one’s mouth.

She couldn’t just grab a spoon and go gangbusters on that shit.

This was dire.

The hummus thing had agitated Lucy more than it perhaps should have and she quickly decided that the gathering wasn’t her cup of tea, namely because Lucy likes to put a teaspoon of hummus into her Earl Grey, which is admittedly deranged but we’ll push on. You know, now that I’m sitting down to write this out I’m realising that Lucy’s hummus thing played a way larger part in this than I originally thought. Hummus in tea is weird, right? It’s not just me?

Regardless, Lucy was set to bail. However, she knew that if she told the host she was heading off, that would add a minimum of 30 minutes to her departure time.

‘You can’t go,’ ‘I never see you!’ ‘But it’s so early!’ These words of peer pressure would ring across the Paddington living room filled with twentysomethings trying to forget their work week. Fuck that shit.

Lucy whispered to her sole ally in the weed-infused lounge room that she was going to ‘smokebomb.’ However, the declaration raised a vexing anthropological question: can one smokebomb if no one noticed, reacted, or even cared when they arrived?

Both sides of the conundrum have plausible merit. Lucy did make a beeline for the door and order the Uber from around the corner to avoid spiking the interest of any witnesses, a low risk as she is genuinely so boring.

However, the smokebomb is traditionally followed by notice and discussion of the elusive getaway. Again, these supposed post-conditions did not occur on Saturday because no one gave a single fuck whether or not Lucy was there to give her spiel about how much she loved ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and how it has to be seen on the big screen. Yeah, cool, Lucy.

Regardless of where you stand on the smokebomb quandary, we can all agree that Lucy is a certified piece of toast.

More to come.