Man Killed, Entrails Searched At Splendour Alcohol Checkpoint

Splendour organisers have yet again shown a brazen disregard for both the spirit of music festivals and basic tenets of natural law, slaughtering a music fan suspected of carrying alcohol into the camping ground.

A search, carried out post-mortem, revealed no traces of drugs or alcohol throughout the entirety of Kyle Hughes’ viscera. Hughes, a seventh year exercise physiology student, was reportedly asked by authorities to submit to a painfully thorough search, involving anaesthesia-free open heart surgery. 

When he refused, on-sight doctors administered a lethal injection and the autopsy began.

An onlooker, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that it was ‘the most barbaric and awful act [they] had ever seen, until Russ’ set that afternoon.’

Officials have come under fire for committing the murder, with an Amnesty International statement labelling the act as ‘pretty dog.’

However, Splendour chief Julia Truman has defended the actions of her staff. 

In a press release, Ms Truman stated that ‘Our number one priority at Splendour is always the safety of our patrons. While harvesting someone’s organs may be seen as a drastic step to achieve this goal, we believe it is absolutely necessary to ensure an enjoyable festival environment for all, especially the good folks at Smirnoff, whose hard earned would have been at risk if the young man’s ventricle did in fact contain a bottle of rum. 

‘Luckily, thanks to the quick thinking of our security staff, it never came to that.’

Truman’s approach has been lauded by NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian, who was seen drinking what is believed to be Hughes’ blood outside the public hospital where his autopsy took place. Berejiklia  sold the hospital to Chinese investors later in the day.

A tough day for Kyle Hughes. Tame Impala should be pretty good though.

No more to chum.

Last Minute Rush To Sell Splendour Tickets Following Removal Of ‘Likes’ On Instagram

Someone call the plumber, the validation tap is broken! 

Hot girls and boys from around the country are coming to the shocking realisation that their social media posts are no longer obtaining the social approval to which they have grown accustomed. This comes after a radical change on Instagram that prevents users from seeing how many likes another account’s photo has received.

Reactions to the change have been drastic and the timing couldn’t be worse with popular music festival Splendour in The Grass this weekend in the North Byron Parklands (read: Not Byron at all). 

Clout from photos posted attending the festival is the draw card for many young people who know one of the headliners, maybe? This has meant that hundreds of young people are attempting to resell their tickets after coming to the realisation that they will now have to spend a weekend in Yelgun for no reason. 

‘How to sell ticket without buyer?’ has become the most Googled question of July with enquiries for a refund to Moshtix being directed to the terms and conditions that clearly state ‘No Backsies.’

‘I objectively do not like music, I like drugs and validation. And I can get drugs in the normal Valley, not this one in bumfuck Mullumbimby,’ exclaimed local influencer, Annabel Belford.

Scientists believe a chemical reaction in the brain when receiving hundreds of likes is able to ward off hypothermia. In a dramatic twist, the removal of these likes has meant that these same festival goers are now at the risk of death in their climate-inappropriate outfits.

‘This is so irresponsible I’m getting dad to sell our Facebook shares when I get home. If I get home, may as well lay on the road this is fucked. Also, I have a bone to pick with Secret Sounds or whoever the fuck runs this festival, how can they say it’s in Byron Bay? It’s nowhere near Byron Bay there are cows everywhere!’ rambled BAFE boy Tom Garten, clearly suffering the early effects of the hypothermic conditions.

Mark Zuckerberg, we now speak directly to you, these changes are highly irresponsible, please change it back. I want everyone to know I just cracked 200 likes for the first time. Please.

No more to come.

‘3 Weeks In Europe Changed My Life,’ Says Local Man With Rare Case Of ‘Super-Chlamydia’

Oohf! Things aren’t looking too crash-hot for local Subway sandwich artist, and part-time graphic design student, Aaron Woods (21), as his ‘life-changing’ trip to Europe has ensured he’s brought home more than just treasured memories of being passed out in the streets of Budapesht.

While Aaron will tell anyone who listens that his three week holiday in Europe ‘completely, utterly, and undoubtedly’ changed his life, sources close to the pathetic unwashed gremlin of a man have revealed that he’s most likely referring to the incredibly rare case of ‘super-chlamydia’ that he is bringing to Australia’s shores.

The STI, miraculously contracted by a man who has the sexual potency and attractiveness of a bunch of unwashed, seedless grapes, came across Aaron’s bloodstream after a midnight hostel dalliance with a woman who bore more than a passing resemblance to Avril Lavigne’s lesser-known sister, Celine Lavigne.

But the drug-resistant infection, doomed to rot away at Aaron’s genitals, is at the very least a proud reminder of a crazy three weeks abroad, which will be the main happy memory he holds onto for his next few years in his soul-crushing graphic design career.

At least he has a creative outlet, as a post-modern Subway sandwich artist, but only time will tell whether the bigwigs up at Big Subway have a problem with an infection-ridden enfant terrible being responsible for the production of a yummy veggie delight roll. 

With two cookies thanks!

The only question we have left to ask is: given the form he’s in, should Ash Taylor be anywhere $800k/season? You let us know via carrier pigeon.

No more to come.

‘Plenty More Fish in The Sea,’ Says Grandma, Completely Oblivious To Overfishing Epidemic

In an attempt to make 23-year-old single woman, Anna Starke, feel better about her crippling loneliness, her geriatric grandmother has revealed that she is pretty ignorant to the plight of our oceans. 

The age-old saying that ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ may have run its course, now that human greed has ruined an ecosystem covering 70% of the planet.

‘Don’t worry dear, I’m sure there’s one out there for you, there are eight billion people in the world, after all!’ reassured Grandma Starke, despite funding her retirement with dividends from large investments in unsustainable fisheries.

Estimates show that between 970 - 2700 billion fish are caught around the globe annually. If only Patricia Starke realized that with every fish oil tablet she took there was a dramatic decrease in the likelihood of her daughter finding love. In fact, some scientists argue that the oceans will run out of fish by 2048 which spells disaster for an entire generation of singles.

‘It’s pretty cooked,’ stated Anna, insightfully.

‘When you take out all of the fish, you’re just left with whales and prawns.’ 

And that’s not to mention the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, which lies halfway between Hawaii and California. 

This veritable island of trash, not to be confused with Ipswich (bazingolator), is estimated to be the size of North America, and is a lasting reminder of humanity’s filth. The Obiter was unable to fund an investigative trip to determine whether suitable fish could be found underneath trash island, although we did go to Retro’s and the answer is no.

‘I don’t really want to go fishing anymore’, decided Anna.

‘My friend Connor went out fishing every weekend but only ever caught crabs.’

Like the STI! Got him. More to come.

'It's A Bit Cold Today!' Reports Everyone

In what seemed to be taken as an unequivocal invitation to have a go at being a fucking weatherman, the temperature of Brisbane turned it up today - or should we say down! 

The weather's downward spiral into the lower degrees would've gone completely unnoticed if not for the brave whistleblowers of every office workplace notifying the colleagues upon arrival that the rumours were indeed true: it's a bit cold. 

Thank fuck for these almighty weather aficionados taking time out of their Monday to provide wall-to-wall coverage on the fact that Brisbane was chillier than usual. 

The colder temp is indisputable evidence that climate change is a hoax by the Chinese and that our Prime Minister was right on the money when he said 'I ain't afraid of no ghosts.'*

*In complete and utter hindsight, that quote was probably more accurately traced to the time he was asked to quote his favourite line from Ghostbusters. The male remake, of course.

No more to come.

Mid-Year Graduate Looking Forward To 6 Months Of Doing… Something

Yes! She’s graduated! Six-and-a-half years later, and Lizzy Drysdale said goodbye to the hallowed halls of UQ like an aged sailor tipping their hat to their sinking vessel. 

’Goodbye, sweet friend,’ whispered Lizzy before throwing her graduation hat into the air and posing for photos of her throwing her graduation hat into the air. Her Instagram page may show all smiles and happiness, but much like watching Game of Thrones or The Rugrats Do 9/11, the finale leaves a sour taste in one’s mouth. 

‘I’m honestly so excited not to do assignments or exams,’ says Lizzy, ignoring the fact that her future job will likely equate to doing assignments, just at a much more urgent pace, and with actual, real-world, million-dollar consequences.

‘So yeah, got six months off... and after that... I guess just another 12 months of applying for things.. and after that... hmm dunno.’

Lizzy briefly sips on a schooner of Furphy Pale Ale, the beer they drink in heaven.

‘It’ll be nice to have the time to be able to think about what else I should be doing with this time,’ she utters between sips.

‘Maybe I’ll travel. Or get really into like, Premier League soccer.’

With the schooner literally finished and her glass metaphorically half full, Lizzy is sure to be fine. But in the meantime, she has a lot of TV shows to catch up on, followed by ... dunno, something. Podcasts are really good these days. Who knows?!

More to come.

Monday Morning: Bitterly Hungover Sunday Sesh Victim Claims He Was 'Up Late For The Wimbledon’

Stumbling into work forty-eight minutes late, with uncharacteristic sunglasses resting on his face and a piping-hot triple-shot flat white resting in his clammy, sweaty hands, local finance grad Dominic Henson (24) has had to rapidly come up with an excuse that will surely take its deserved place in the ‘Bullshit Artist Hall of Fame.’

The victim of a few Sunday beers that escalated into something far greater, Dominic’s head was thumping with the hazy memories of a few too many pale ales, as well as some questionable choices of words to a female acquaintance who described him as ‘a prick.’

Dismal looks from other colleagues confirmed to Dominic that he couldn’t simply coast through the day, assuming no-one would notice him. The unmistakable stench of sweat, rum, and shame would make sure of that.

So the poor lad has had to come up with an excuse on the fly for the absolute state he’s in. And that’s when Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic come into play. The 2019 Men’s Singles Final at Wimbledon is the centrepiece of the tennis calendar, but for Dominic, it was simply a background distraction on the TV at the pub, a sorry reminder of a life outside of near-alcoholism.

But today, Federer and Djokovic may be this young man’s saviour. Charging into his superior’s office, he decided to get on the front foot, opening his dehydrated mouth for the first time that morning to say ‘Fuck me, it’s incredible Federer didn’t break him in that first set.’

‘The game could have been decided there,’ he continued, slowly beginning to believe his own lie, like all good bullshit merchants do. ‘But Novak just kept the baseline game going, deep ground strokes, and that powerful serve return that characterises his game.’

Dominic’s stunned superior, the barely-older Andrew Bond (26), realised that his junior didn’t notice he was on the phone with the Sydney office, in the midst of an incredibly important conversation. 

What was initially a masterstroke from Dominic, has rapidly turned into a stroke of sheer idiocy. And it’s particularly shocking considering Dominic is Pat Cash’s nephew (backstory!)

Absolutely no more to come on this half-baked mess (a description that applies both to this rambling article, and its central protagonist).

Incomprehensible Idiot Tags Friends In Comments Of UQ StalkerSpace’s One Millionth Ibis Post

Excitedly stomping his feet while ejaculating and defecating in his pants, local drooling village idiot, Kyle Cocks, was in stitches Saturday morning, after UQ StalkerSpace’s forty-year-old, ninth-year admins approved the group’s one millionth post about ibises.

The ibis is a wading bird, present across most of Australia, but inexplicably the focus of disproportionate attention by the students of the University of Queensland.

Tagging eighteen friends in the comments of the apolitical, university-administration-approved post that had already received four thousand likes in thirty minutes, Kyle was heard shrieking ‘Ahahahahaha!!! I’ve seen ibis before. Me love ibis hahaha!’

Five minutes later, the foaming-at-the-mouth idiot was whooping in delight as UQ’s focus-grouped Twitter account posted a bland meme about bush turkeys on campus, in order to distract from the increasing atomisation and alienation of student life and the growing corporatisation of higher education in this country.

At press time, Kyle was reportedly aimlessly scrolling through his feed when he obtained such a state of transcendent bliss upon encountering the ten thousandth ‘I just want milk that tastes like real milk’ post on StalkerSpace, that he obtained the state described in Theravada Buddhism as Arhat, where one has gained insight into the true nature of existence and achieved nirvana, being liberated from the endless cycle of rebirths in saṃsāra.

More to come.

Facebook Caters To Twinks By Adding New ‘Bottom Fan’ Badge

In a win for inclusion and diversity, Facebook has announced that they will be adding a ‘Bottom Fan’ badge for more submissive users. 

While the more dominant ‘Top Fans’ have been able to publicly display their status for some time now, the twinks and otters on the platform have felt marginalized.

Local twink Charlie McGuthrie (24) told The Obiter that this was ‘a win for the LGBTQIA+ community,’ however, he would not rest until Zuckerberg added a ‘Power Bottom Fan’ badge/

‘Facebook themselves have been open to suggestions for quite some time however the changes haven’t been well received by Baby Boomer focus groups,’ said McGuthrie.

This was confirmed in a comment made to us by a Facebook spokesperson who stated that the response by over 50s  has been ‘if you want a power bottom fan just go to K-Mart.’

‘To be honest it’s not that bad that the oldies don’t understand, I haven’t come out to my god fearing grandmother yet and I’d hate for her to find out through a comment I made on a Carly Rae Jepsen video,’ continued Charlie. 

We at The Obiter support this progress and hope for more badges to come. However, given that our company policy is to stan vers queens, we think the ignorance of a ‘Vers’ badge is a heinous mistake on the part of the bigwigs at Facebook.

No more to come.

New App Is The Uber of Ub…Oh Wait, It’s Just Uber

Technology: it’s the pottery of the internet. Everywhere you look, there’s a new gadget, ginzo or gimmick. And that’s just in the bathroom! 

Yep, the world sure has gone #viral and here at The Obiter we hashtag love it! Yeet!

And just announced today, there’s a new iPhone app that’s going to rock the tech world! It’s also available in Android, for all the poors!

While it is yet to be released, the app has already been hailed by experts (or techxperts HAHA got ‘em cunt) as ‘the Uber of transport.’

Yep, look out taxis and Uber and Lyft and Ola and your Mum – this is the future of ride sharing!

The app, which has already been described as this generation’s answer to Uber, harnesses modern technology like phones and screens to allow users to order a car that will come pick them up and take them wherever they want to go – like the bar! Who needs a drink, am I right or am I right?! Beer.

This app is essentially the Uber of Ub… oh wait, false alarm it’s just Uber. 

As you were.