BREAKING: ~Alleged~ Rapist Cabinet Minister Started Out As ~Alleged~ Rapist Student Politician

Developing Story: The nation has been rocked today by revelations that a rapist Cabinet Minister in the Morrison government started out as a rapist student politician decades ago. In shocking news that will be sure to stop hearts across the nation, that bloke in the Ministry who was already the subject of numerous sexual harassment allegations has today been forced to deny sickening historic crimes that occurred during his days as a private school boy.

‘’I didn’t do it, it couldn’t have been me,’’ he said, between thick gasps and crocodile tears. ‘’Didn’t any of you cunts read The Crucible in Grade 12?’’

Unsure whether to accept his strident denials, a shaken nation has now been forced to reckon with the fact that this psycho cabinet minister very likely started out as a rapist student politician years ago, and has really been a psycho rapist this entire time. The implications for Australia could be absolutely enormous: could it be that the stolid, closed off, hierarchical power system in charge of this country attracts sociopaths with no sense of human morality whatsoever, like moths to flame? Could it be that the next generation of psycho rapist cabinet ministers are being bred in student politics right now? Could a political system responsible for refugee kids on Nauru setting themselves on fire in despair really be run by cruel, vicious, evil pricks who have spent their entire lives getting kicks out of inflicting pain and suffering on other people?

Some weren’t willing to have this national conversation, of course. Before the night was up, Andrew Bolt was already frothing at the mouth on Sky News after dark, decrying the threat of the mob that was after this great bloke in the cabinet. ‘’Western civilisation is hanging by a thread. If this great rapist bloke has to resign from cabinet, the rule of law will collapse, Western civilisation falls. What’s next, we’re going to force a bloke from resigning from a position of power and influence for raping kids?’’ Looking like he’d aged more than 20 years over night, Bolt’s hands shook while he spoke, a product of the intense adrenochrome withdrawals ravaging his system.

‘’He’s one of the boys. That’s what is so shocking about the loony left’s attacks on this man - he’s one of the boys. And that means when they attack him, they are really attacking you. They’re after you. The rapist cabinet minister is just standing in the way.’’

At press time, reports were trickling in that Port-Arthur Massacre gunman Martin Bryant was mulling a Senate run in Victoria on a platform of putting morality back into politics. Given the state of our political class, we can only say he’s in with a shot.

Hopefully no more to come.

Man Beginning to Worry About Number of Targeted Ads He Receives for Therapy

An apparently happy local man has been thrown into a deep bout of introspection this morning after receiving a number of targeted advertisements on his social media feeds for therapy services.

Nick Murray (22) was subjected to advertisements from Beyond Blue, Healthline, Talkspace, Headspace, and Queensland Health in what the fifth year Arts/Law student described as a ‘barrage’.

Questioning why such advertisements would be relentlessly targeted at his online profile, Murray began reflecting on his online habits as of late.

‘I guess I have been unironically listening to Amy Shark lately, but hey, can’t we have a guilty pleasure once in a while?’, said Murray at press time, still in denial.

‘and I suppose I have been commenting on Reddit a lot more’ acknowledged Murray, his brow beginning to furrow.

‘Actually, now that I think about it, I have been watching a hell of a lot of BattleBots lately’ uttered Murray solemnly, the realisation dawning on home.

‘Jesus Christ, I’m depressed’

Best of luck, Nick. Get help.

‘What An Education,’ Says Graduate Who Took Six Years To Do An Arts Degree

‘Wow, signing off. Thanks so much for the well-rounded educational experience!’

For many recent graduates, and those who have to scroll through Instagram, captions like the above have become all too familiar. Particularly with a glut of recent graduation ceremonies being rushed through due to COVID-19, many students who technically graduated fourteen months ago have been able to celebrate.

But no-one has been happier than Brett Birkenstock (27), a lightly-bearded, thin man who has successfully knocked off his three-year Bachelor of Arts program.

And who cares that it took Brett six years? It’s still a great education!

‘I learnt so much from my time at UQ,’ said Brett, refusing to clarify any further on this point when pushed.

‘You can defer exams way more than you think. There’s basically no rules.’

Unfortunately for Brett, there definitely are rules, and they’re rules that have led to the young man pursuing ‘Intro To Economics’ subjects in his fifth-year at uni, at the point at which his advanced age led younger classmates to complain that he was a ‘bit of a creep.’

‘He kept inviting us to places we’d never heard of, like Oh Hello. More like oh go fuck yourself, old man?’

Brett is taking it in his stride, however, and doesn’t seem too bothered by the intense, immense criticism describing him as a failure.

‘Mum still loves me,’ he winked to no-one in particular.

No more to come.

Incoming First Year Economics Student Under the Impression He Will Have a Lot of Sex this Year

Unfortunately for David Humprey (17), his expectation that he will begin attending biweekly orgies in the proceeding months will not come to fruition, with his Velcro wallet and Logitech corded mouse set to earn him little female attention.

As a keen debater and member of the Doctor Who Club at an all-boys GPS private school, David, regrettably, hasn’t been able to hold a conversation with a female since his Year 5 Graduation at St Blues Primary School (excluding the excruciating 3 hours he spent with his formal date – the daughter of his Mum’s Book Club friend). Despite this, David, a proud and frequent user of the word ‘yeet’, is truly convinced that his inner Chad will rise to the foreground in 2021.

‘Lock up your daughters!’ he cheered to himself as he profusely sprayed Lynx Africa onto his nether region before heading to his first tute of the year, earnestly believing that he would transform into a sexual deviant in his first year at uni.

But it has to be said that things haven’t gotten off to a great start for David as, to his shock and confusion, not a single female at Max’s 18th became aroused at the fact that he packed Messi on FIFA Ultimate Team earlier that day. Although slightly thrown by this bizarre turn of events, David soon recovered from this stumble by whipping out Cards Against Humanity from his old school PE bag and showing off his Avocado socks to all the ladies.

None to cum

Nailbiter! Australia Waits With Bated Breath For Triple M's 'Ozzest 100'

It’s here. It’s almost upon us. The momentous day of the year. The day where the Australian passion for music, our tribal desire to drink in groups, and our multicultural enthusiasm for artists of different genres and backgrounds finally comes together in one piece.

The Ozzest 100. By Triple M. The greatest musical countdown in the world.

The Ozzest 100 is the greatest musical democracy in the world, with over eight blokes from Woollongong and South Woolloongong voting every year to determine whether Jimmy Barnes, Cold Chisel, or Ian Moss will take out the top gong.

Australia hotly anticipates each Ozzest 100 countdown with an energy that only rivals a Tina Arena arena spectacular at her peak.

And for fans of beers and Australian rock playlists on Spotify, the mid-week timing of the Ozzest 100 is a welcome surprise.

‘It’s really the most nailbiting, suspenseful day on the calendar,’ said a local man who didn’t make much eye contact.

No further comment could be reached from John Farnham.

More to cum.

Girl Who Already Posted Graduation Photos 'Might Just Frank Abagnale It'

On November 12, following the completion of what she thought would be her last exam, 6th year Arts/Law student Grace Wilkinson took to the Great Court in a freshly purchased academic cap to celebrate the end of her uni career with some objectively good photos.

Unfortunately for Ms Wilkinson, her hubris was exposed yesterday morning when a fateful, not-so-flirty text from UQ revealed that she had failed two of her subjects. Tragically, this means she will be unable to graduate this year as planned, and will instead have to commit to at least one more semester at the fabled institution.

Or that’s what a chump would do, says Ms Wilkinson.

“Look, I don’t know if I’m a massive coward or incredibly brave, but there is no fucking way I’m showing my face at uni again” hurried a wild-eyed Ms Wilkinson at press time.

“I think I’ll just have to go full Leo in Catch Me if You Can , Fred Argabale or whatever his name is. Fake it til you make it baby. Nobody asks for official transcripts anyway.”

“If anyone with a garbled Boston accent asks me “how’d ya do it Grace? How’d ya pass da bah in Queensland?” I’ll just say that I studied and passed. Simple as.”

Ms Wilkinson read the following prepared statement at press time: “Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.”

God speed Grace.

Rampant Misogynist Not Sure Who To Support For UQLS President

In an enthralling twist, all three nominees for the hallowed role of the UQLS Presidency in 2021 are women. Whilst evidently a major step forward from last year’s shitshow of an all-male panel of nominees, it hasn’t pleased everyone. Local misogynist, Arts/Law student, and all-round ‘BBC College Captain,’ Brett Hackney (22), has expressed his clear displeasure at the slate of nominees.

‘I honestly don’t know who to vote for when they’re all just so hysterical,’ claimed Brett, despite clearly never having met any of the talented and capable nominees in his life.

As the election reaches its final day of campaigning, culminating in a bloodthirsty, violent AGM this evening, the candidates are staring down the barrel of two paths. For the winner of the Presidency, they might follow in the footsteps of those before them and reach the lofty heights of StuPol with a Young LNP membership. For the loser of the Presidency, they might follow in the footsteps of those before them and become a good bloke named ‘Fergus.’

But no matter what happens over the next two days between Zoe, Kat, and Mia, the vitriolic sexists among us are absolutely spitting chips.

Brett immediately messaged his group chat ‘Squad rules/BBC kingz’ upon learning of the nominees, proclaiming ‘how can this be?’

Whilst being met with a number of ‘seen’ reacts, with absolutely no-one replying to his sexist, baiting message, that hasn’t shaken his belief in his willingness to shake up the system.

‘Ah, well,’ he said to The Obiter in an exclusive interview.

‘As long as I can still vote for Mike Fielding. He represents all my views.’

No more to come.

Law Students Growing Suspiciously Nice To Each Other As UQLS Elections Draw Closer

In utterly unsurprising news emerging from the TCB (Too Cool, Bitches) School of Law this morning, it appears that law students have now entered that strange two-week period where they are actually nice to each other. For a degree dominated by dogged competitiveness and passive-aggression to rival your boyfriend’s dumb mates, there can only be one reason for this deranged spate of kindness out of the blue.

Elections.

The second-most important ‘E’ to a law student.

As anticipation grows over who will nominate for President, students are growing increasingly suspicious of any kind words they hear across the course of a typical day. And even for those involved with the governance of the Law Society, it is notable that a tyrannical VP who rules with an iron fist over their portfolio can all of a sudden be ‘checking in to see how your mental health is going on.’

Here’s one for you - it was going better when you weren’t telling me every minute that I ‘wasn’t doing enough for the society!’

Zoom seminars are now colosseums of condescending politeness, as students trip over each other to say ‘great answer, Josh,’ and ‘nailing it again, Becky,’ in a colossally deranged attempt to win three extra votes.

This is despite the fact that the only true power in the Law School is held by Mike Fielding, who has been pulling strings behind the scenes this entire time.

Ever wonder why you’ve never actually met Patrick Parkinson?

Wonder no more to come.

Student Shocked As Law Hack Becomes StuPol Hack

Jaws hit the floor across UQ this evening as the Annual ‘Change Your Profile Picture To Your StuPol Ticket’ Event began, revealing to the stunned voting public that, somehow, it is entirely possible to transition from being a law hack to a StuPol hack. As Steven Evans (21), a Churchie Old Boy, Hamilton resident, and Law student announced his candidacy for Treasurer of the UQ Union, his peers in the Law School have reacted with utter disbelief.

‘I just don’t understand how some nerd who has had his sights on power and influence commensurate with Daddy’s since first-year Contracts could have run for the position of Treasurer in the Union,’ shared one shocked classmate, Sara Watson (23).

‘I remember overhearing him talking him about his OP before Russell Hinchy told him to shut the fuck up in Foundations,’ an anonymous source informed The Obiter, before filling up their S’well with black coffee in an attempt to finish Advanced Research in time.

Whilst critics have stated that it is entirely unsurprising that the pursuit of power in the classroom, social circles, and student societies could ultimately result in pursuing higher office among students, others have responded with derision.

‘No-one could actually want to do StuPol. This must be the work of a pretty full-on Imperius curse,’ said one nerd who needs to read another book.

Steven Evans’ comments on his fresh Facebook profile picture are littered with the words of fellow Law, Commerce, and BAFE students, ready to secure further electoral victories for the forces of capital, a trend since time immemorial.

When Steven himself was asked for comment, all he could sum up was ‘Wow. I can’t wait to see what you do for the University, king!’ When pressed, he seemed to be saying this about himself.

It’s unsurprising that so many Law students have followed in the footsteps of the ‘Reverse Hack’ Katie Andersson, who started with a career in StuPol before returning to Law.

Cool chick!

Nevertheless, as election season heats up, and Law students start being a lot nicer to each other on Zoom calls, one question remains etched in the minds of a concerned public.

Why is this the thing you most want to do with your time?

No more to come.

Man Who Hasn't Looked At The News In 2 Hours Misses Everything

Michael Jones (24), a sixth-year Politics student who has taken longer to complete his degree than the fifth level of Bioshock (I don’t play video games), rates himself as being pretty aware of current events. Whether it’s US politics, COVID news, or the endless stream of pop culture developments that fills the gaping existential void of emptiness, he’s pretty on the ball.

But poor Michael has forgotten that this is 2020, where each hour draws headlines about JK Rowling’s latest transphobic rant, the cost of the PS5, the Oxford vaccine trials resuming, and something about the Broncos winning the wooden spoon.

And Michael has just committed the cardinal sin of being an engaged young person: he stopped paying attention to the news for two hours.

Fucking idiot.

As he put his plane on Airplane Mode to soak up two lectures that are stupidly attached as audio files to PowerPoint slides so students can’t speed them up, Michael got thoroughly stuck into his work, assuming that the world would keep turning.

A cretin. A sickening cretin.

As he turned off Airplane Mode, group chats were aflame with fresh takes, exhausting sharing of headlines, and fresh tales of Trump’s latest act of hypocrisy - ‘this’ll be the one that finally gets him!’

For Michael, this mistake will never be repeated. Because we’ve just hired a team to assassinate him.

No more to come.