Online Recipe Includes Chef’s Life Story Before Listing Any Ingredients

A local Camp Hill man is struggling today in the kitchen, and not just because he doesn’t know the difference between broil and fan forced.

Kieran Walker was invited around to dinner on Tuesday with his girlfriend’s parents and was keen to impress them by making a red velvet cake.

However, he has now learned that the best place to find cake recipes is, and always will be, the Woman’s Weekly Cake Book, for Kieran fell into a classic trap for young players: thinking you’ll be able to find any actual recipes online.

Don’t get us wrong! It’s easy to google ‘red velvet cake in under 1 hour’ and find results. However, Kieran realised quickly that to find anything of actual culinary relevance, he must first trawl through a 3500-word autobiography from the chef.

Kieran reports that a recipe from RecipeTinEats.com contained a recipe submitted by chef, Katherine Jones. Katherine wrote firstly of her passion for the colour red, then her passion for velvet textures, then which flour was appropriate, then why you should only source said flower from Bhutan, then why she hates travelling to Bhutan because she honeymooned there, then why her last marriage disintegrated, THEN why baking this cake will assist you in avoiding marital problem and FINALLY the ingredients.

“Honestly, finding the actual recipe on a website should become one of the challenges in Dante’s Inferno,” said Kieran. “I did eventually bake the cake though. It’s pretty sick aye.”

Good luck for next week, Kieran!

Stack of Old Bibles Prop Up Pope's Monitor

While Pope Francis may be God’s top man on the ground, he is still fallible to the pains of a creaky computer neck.

Like millions of office workers the world over, the Pope has attempted to protect his neck by stacking a few books underneath his monitor. Fortunately, the Vatican is absolutely packed with a bunch of outdated bibles which can’t be put to good use anyway.

Sources say the Pope asked the Vatican’s chief librarian if he could borrow the books, who replied ‘Oh yeah for sure, those bad boys were superseded when King James dropped a new bible 10 years back’.

Congratulations Pope Francis, and we hope you enjoy watching the next season of Bojack Horseman on your appropriately placed monitor.

Bloke Who Refers to His 'Current Girlfriend' Not Even Pretending Anymore

By all accounts, Rob Jones and Ellie Hart are the perfect couple. By all accounts except Rob’s, that is.

While the serial monogamist has no particular qualms with his girlfriend as a person, he is well aware that their relationship is purely circumstantial - the circumstance being that Rob is horny as fuck. Knowing that the relationship will be short-lived, Mr Jones has refused to bestow the title of ‘girlfriend’ upon Ms Hart, opting instead to refer to her as his ‘current girlfriend’ or, occasionally, his ‘current squeeze’.

‘I know it’s not really going anywhere, but I still care about her though, in a way’ reasoned Mr Jones to a crowded room of journalists, who all proceeded to simultaneously inhale through their teeth.

‘Look, if there’s one thing I pride myself on, it’s honesty’ said Mr Jones.

‘And so I don’t want to mislead people into thinking she’s the one or anything’

When asked whether he had told Ms Hart of his understanding of their relationship, Mr Copley declined to comment.

No more to come.

Marketing Team at Billion-dollar Company Confuses International Women’s Day for April Fools Day

On the morning of International Women’s Day earlier this week, many brands and companies logged onto Twitter to partake in their single act of performative feminism for the year, showcasing their ‘support’ for women. However this year, one brand decided to take a unique approach that boldly stood out from the rest.

With the misplaced yet resounding confidence of a man trying to man-splain literally anything, the burger fast-food franchise tweeted that ‘women belong in the kitchen.’ After receiving a veritable ‘grilling’ online, the company stated that it was one of their unpaid social media interns who was to blame.

When asked to explain the thought process behind the controversial tweet, the intern admitted that they believed the tweet was to be for April Fool’s Day, not International Women’s Day.

“All I was told was that today was a special day and so the tweet has to be special too, how was I meant to know that international women’s day qualified as special?’ No more to come.

Women In Legal Profession Somehow Still The Only Ones Being Held Accountable For Their Actions

Another day, another dollar for A-G Christian Porter who continues to enjoy paid leave following reports of rape.

Porter is still yet to face the music as it was revealed he would not be stepping down and there would be no inquiry into his actions to confirm whether he is, in fact, a massive crook.

Australia’s female lawyers on the other hand have not fared quite so well. Despite statistics confirming at least 1-5 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime, Australia has decided now is NOT the time to hold men accountable.

This follows after it was revealed that the CEO of Shminter Shmellison, Shannette Shkimmitt, will leave the firm after her position was “untenable”. The Obiter have interpreted the email Shkimmitt reportedly sent to staff as saying “what the fuck you scummy bastards? I honestly expected better from the lot of you than to do this man a favour and represent him!”

In a shocking turn of events, Porter and Minister Reynolds, who are directly accountable to the public, are not being forced to step down and will continue to enjoy their leave. Who would have thought that it would be lawyers at big bad corporate firms who would be held to a higher standard of accountability than our elected officials?

Please dear god, no more to come.

Man Who Uses Bamboo Charcoal Face Cleanser Still Ugly

Local 26 year old Jamie Simpson was left devastated this morning after realising that his newfound beauty routine has not yet made a dent in his ugly visage.

The seventh year Arts student had recently ventured into the self-care arena with his purchase of an enriched detoxifying bamboo charcoal face cleansing wash from the Body Shop.

Unfortunately for Simpson however, the product appears to be a flop.

‘It was a big step for me to buy this cleanser. It kind of made me feel like Patrick Bateman at the start of American Psycho, except if he only had one product and it didn’t do anything’ said a clearly distraught and unquestionably hideous Simpson at press time.

‘I guess I’ll just have to try some new products and keep tinkering’ resolved the young Frankenstein.

BREAKING: Nana and Pop Might Be a Bit Racist

“I’m stunned. Pretty speechless I’ve got to say”.

No, these aren’t the words of some C-grade celebrity/game-show host giving an acceptance speech at the Logies, these are the words racing through the minds of every right-thinking person on the planet after Meghan Markle has given us the unbelievable scoop that a bunch of stupidly rich old white folk that have servants and live in a palace are probably racist.

In an EXPLOSIVE, SHOCKING, TELL-A-LITLLE-BIT interview with Oprah Winfrey, Meghan Markle has exposed how there were “conversations and conversation about how dark [her son Archie’s] skin might be” between Prince Harry and an unnamed member of the royal family.

While Nana and Pop have both denied that they were the one’s who raised these concerns, I’ll eat my shoe if they even remember what day of the fucking week it is. Christian Porter has already released a statement categorically denying involvement. Reports are that the Royals have planned to send in the charming, non-sweaty, defs non-pedo Prince Andrew to defend these allegations.

No more to come.

Scomo Forgets to Consult Jenny Before Work, Promptly Murders Woman

Prime Minister Scott Morrison surprised many in Parliament House this morning when he whipped out a Smith & Wesson revolver and fired three shots straight to the dome of a passing woman. Police say the woman was not known to Morrison.

Morrison has come under fire recently for being seemingly incapable of even referring to a woman without invoking his wife or daughters. However, with the blood spatter still fresh in Parliament’s disgusting green carpet, it appears that Mr Morrison, and the Australian public, truly need Jenny’s input.

While Jenny had previously been able to reach into the cold, dim heart of Mr Morrison and ‘clarify’ to him that rape bad, she was unable to ask him this morning how he would feel if his daughters were murdered. It appears that Mr Morrison’s disturbingly business-like murder of the woman was a direct result of this derelection of duty. God Damn you, Jenny.

Allowed one phone call from his cell at Canberra jail, Morrison chose to ring Jenny rather than his lawyer.

‘I’ve since consulted my daughters, and I have decided that I am indeed sorry for having intentionally caused the death of my colleague’ said an emotional Morrison in his subsequent police interview.

“I absolutely abhor death, Jenny tells me.”

Please god no more to come.

BREAKING: ~Alleged~ Rapist Cabinet Minister Started Out As ~Alleged~ Rapist Student Politician

Developing Story: The nation has been rocked today by revelations that a rapist Cabinet Minister in the Morrison government started out as a rapist student politician decades ago. In shocking news that will be sure to stop hearts across the nation, that bloke in the Ministry who was already the subject of numerous sexual harassment allegations has today been forced to deny sickening historic crimes that occurred during his days as a private school boy.

‘’I didn’t do it, it couldn’t have been me,’’ he said, between thick gasps and crocodile tears. ‘’Didn’t any of you cunts read The Crucible in Grade 12?’’

Unsure whether to accept his strident denials, a shaken nation has now been forced to reckon with the fact that this psycho cabinet minister very likely started out as a rapist student politician years ago, and has really been a psycho rapist this entire time. The implications for Australia could be absolutely enormous: could it be that the stolid, closed off, hierarchical power system in charge of this country attracts sociopaths with no sense of human morality whatsoever, like moths to flame? Could it be that the next generation of psycho rapist cabinet ministers are being bred in student politics right now? Could a political system responsible for refugee kids on Nauru setting themselves on fire in despair really be run by cruel, vicious, evil pricks who have spent their entire lives getting kicks out of inflicting pain and suffering on other people?

Some weren’t willing to have this national conversation, of course. Before the night was up, Andrew Bolt was already frothing at the mouth on Sky News after dark, decrying the threat of the mob that was after this great bloke in the cabinet. ‘’Western civilisation is hanging by a thread. If this great rapist bloke has to resign from cabinet, the rule of law will collapse, Western civilisation falls. What’s next, we’re going to force a bloke from resigning from a position of power and influence for raping kids?’’ Looking like he’d aged more than 20 years over night, Bolt’s hands shook while he spoke, a product of the intense adrenochrome withdrawals ravaging his system.

‘’He’s one of the boys. That’s what is so shocking about the loony left’s attacks on this man - he’s one of the boys. And that means when they attack him, they are really attacking you. They’re after you. The rapist cabinet minister is just standing in the way.’’

At press time, reports were trickling in that Port-Arthur Massacre gunman Martin Bryant was mulling a Senate run in Victoria on a platform of putting morality back into politics. Given the state of our political class, we can only say he’s in with a shot.

Hopefully no more to come.

Man Beginning to Worry About Number of Targeted Ads He Receives for Therapy

An apparently happy local man has been thrown into a deep bout of introspection this morning after receiving a number of targeted advertisements on his social media feeds for therapy services.

Nick Murray (22) was subjected to advertisements from Beyond Blue, Healthline, Talkspace, Headspace, and Queensland Health in what the fifth year Arts/Law student described as a ‘barrage’.

Questioning why such advertisements would be relentlessly targeted at his online profile, Murray began reflecting on his online habits as of late.

‘I guess I have been unironically listening to Amy Shark lately, but hey, can’t we have a guilty pleasure once in a while?’, said Murray at press time, still in denial.

‘and I suppose I have been commenting on Reddit a lot more’ acknowledged Murray, his brow beginning to furrow.

‘Actually, now that I think about it, I have been watching a hell of a lot of BattleBots lately’ uttered Murray solemnly, the realisation dawning on home.

‘Jesus Christ, I’m depressed’

Best of luck, Nick. Get help.